Tuesday, February 16, 2010
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal judge has ruled the IRS possesses statutory authority to tax any additional personalities living within schizophrenics or people diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. "Finally, these mental freeloaders will pay their fair share," said IRS spokesperson Adrian Philomon. "We hope to work closely with psychiatrists and mental health facilities to ferret out these cheaters who are burdening their fellow Americans through non-compliance." Philomon citred an example. "Suppose a man named Miller had multiple personalities named Zarkone the Terrible, Mrs. Lampley, and Little Billy Hodge. Miller would be required to list Zarkone and Mrs Lampley as either co-workers, or principle wage earners, if they were the dominant personality in the workplace. A minor such as Little Billy Hodge must be listed as a dependent, but could also be claimed as a deduction. We're not heartless." Philomon stated that cases involving demonic possession were slightly different. "If the possessed is not delivered prior to April 15, and no extension is filed by the priest, minister or rabbi, then the demonic entities would be liable to file income tax. The important thing is that everyone pay their fair share, except Treasury Secretary Geithner. He can use Turbo Tax...or not."