Wednesday, February 24, 2010
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn takes on a new role for the U.S. Army, interrogating high-value Taliban prisoners who have been dressed as paparazzi. "Penn is just one more tool in our conflict against man-caused disasters," said Colonel Elias Trunker of army intelligence. "Draping cameras on the Taliban, along with Member's Only windbreakers, will trigger Penn's attack instincts. Once he's done kicking the cartilage out of their legs, they'll yap like an actress on a talk show." In addition to physical violence, Col. Trunker stated Penn will be employed in psychological warfare, reading to the prisoners from a collection of poems he wrote in praise of Hugo Chavez. "Legally, the Chavez poems are right on the edge of war crimes, but we're gonna take that risk. We test-read a Penn poem to several volunteers and they threw up things they hadn't even eaten yet."