Thursday, February 18, 2010

Excerpt from Amy Bishop's Novel

HUNTSVILLE, AL - INI has obtained an excerpt from scientist/shooter Amy Bishop's unpublished novel Jerkville, about a scientist named Andrea Bissop who conducts important research vital to humanity while set upon by annoying jerks, maliciously denying her needs.

Chapter Four: A Hush Over Macy's

"I was wondering if you have this pattern in more of an azure?"

Andrea fidgeted in irritation as the clerk checked a pattern book. Didn't this woman know she was Professor Andrea Bissop? Finally, after several seconds that felt like hours to Andrea, that clerk closed the book. "I'm so sorry, but this line of towels only comes in one color."

Frustrated, Andrea pulled out a Glock .40 from her oversized handbag, racked the slide, and double-tapped the surprised clerk. With a pair of vertical holes in her forehead, the clerk crumbled to the floor like a dropped napkin. "I need azure," screamed Andrea. The spent brass struck the department store floor with a metallic 'ting.' "Nothing else matches the tile, you stupid slab of meat! I hope they teach you color scheme in Hell, just before they stuff your fat head in a bucket of shit forever!"

A quiet fell over Macy's. There were muffled screams and 9-11 cell phone calls as Andrea made her way to the exit, pausing only to inspect a soap dish shaped like a sleeping cat. Cute. It never ended: incompetence, annoying bug-like people, defiance. One did what one could.

Out on the sidewalk, two cops jumped from a patrol car, pistols leveled at Andrea. "Drop your handbag and eat sidewalk, bitch!" shouted the younger cop. His older partner looked carefully at Andrea, "Are you Professor Andrea Bissop?"

"That's correct. Is there a problem?"

"No, ma'am," said the older cop, motioning her partner to lower his weapon. "Someone defy you in Macy's?"

"A clerk. I handled it. Will there be anything else?"

"We're not letting her go?" said the younger man. His partner chuckled. "You got a lot to learn, kid. That's Professor Andrea Bissop. She does important scientific work, sorta like Ted Kaczynski. Plus she voted for President Obama, so you know she's not just smart, but real smart. Smart people got a different morality from regular folks. They see things from so many different angles that it's wrong to judge them by our crude, untutored lights. If they want to shoot people, even family members, then its probably for a real good reason. A smart reason."

Andrea smiled at the young cop's confusion as he lowered his pistol. He'd learned a valuable lesson today. Just as her boss at the lab would soon learn a valuable lesson about performance reviews. Smiling at the older cop, Andrea asked, "Officer? Do you know if there's a hardware store close-by? I have to buy a gross of nails and a pound of rat poison."


Retriever said...

She actually wrote a novel...

Ling Carter said...

Three novels.