Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Air Force Pagans Demand Christian Sacrifice

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO - Furious over a cross left in their new outdoor worship area, Air Force Academy Wiccans have demanded a Christian minister be handed over to them for sacrifice. Said Wiccan spokesperson, Cadet Bel Patterson, "This desecration has soiled our worship of the Horned God, tarnished our Imbolc celebrations and jeopardized our upcoming Beltane festivities. If we are to run naked under the moon screaming the name of the Holly King, then Christian blood must be spilt." Air Force spokesperson Major Dennis Palumbo was conciliatory, but vague. "We're certainly upset by this intolerant act. Hopefully, our Wiccan cadets will continue to worship in their new outdoor grove, complete with wicker baskets." Patterson, however, remained firm. "We require a Christian minister be burned alive before dawn on April 30. Ideally, the selected minister will be plump so we can collect his melted fat and use it for magic." Major Palumbo refused to acknowledge the request. "I would hope all our cadets are aware of the Academy's fire safety rules as well as state and local prohibitions against religious, or secular, human incinerations. In addition, I would point out to all cadets that any immolations will be part of their permanent record and could effect future promotions." (Image: Wickipedia)

3 comments:

Elisheva Hannah Levin said...

This has to be from the Onion.
Enjoy Arizona--I hope you are going to the warm part.

Ralph said...

WHY IS IT AUTOMATICALLY ASSUMED THAT CHRISTIANS WERE INVOLVED IN THIS?!??!

ROMAN CATHOLICS ALSO USE THE CROSS AS A SYMBOL!!!!

Anonymous said...

to ralph:

um.... roman catholics are christians. 'christian' is any abrahamic religion that claims jesus was the son of god... which includes roman catholics, greek orthodox, baptist, anglican, calvenist, hugenots, mormons (technicly, but i dont know if they consider themselves christian) evangelicals... and more than i can list here.

although you raise a good point. it could be anyone who left the cross, be them christian or not. but i must point out that the witch burnings were mostly done by protestants, not buddists. there is a longstanding tension between european monotheists and european polytheists. so the culprit is probably going to be european monotheist.

furthermore, this is a satire blog. while the basic facts are true, i havent heard of any demand for a human sacrifice and it was probably fabricated to indicate the authors apathy towards the action, and his opinion that the cross being left is not a big deal.

 
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