Medlock Converts to Islam, Government Apologizes

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Daily Call writer Sean Medlock, struck by a State Department Security Vehicle while legally crossing the street, has converted to Islam, prompting an immediate government apology. "We're mortified by our insensitivity," said State Department spokesperson Gila Yogarst. Recovering in the hospital from knee surgery, Medford received an enormous fruit basket with the State Department seal as well as a Starbucks card good for 15 years worth of lattes, and a small pony that can count up to seven. "We're not arrogant federal bullies," said Yogarst. "Hopefully, Mr. Medford realizes we're just doing our job. Sometimes that job involves mowing down pedestrians, having them issued jaywalking tickets while they lay broken on a hospital gurney, and ignoring requests for information on the driver. But please don't judge us by our actions, but by our words which are few, legalistic and indifferent to reality. That is the true measure of our character. That is the State Department way."