Scientology Sea Org to Battle Somali Pirates

CLEARWATER, FL - A spokesperson for the Church of Scientology International announced its Sea Organization is en route to Africa to fight Somali pirates. Departing from Curacao in the Netherlands Antilles, the elite church members sailed aboard the Freewinds, a former cruise ship sporting 3-inch navy surplus guns and a cargo hold filled with L. Ron Hubbard books and Dianetics literature. Said spokesperson Lyle Divoton, "The church is eager to keep the seaways safe as well as offer any captured pirates a free personality test."

Crewed by OT VIII (Operating Thetans Level 8), Scientology's highest level, the Freewinds hoped to reach the Indian Ocean by mid-April and commence naval operations, consisting of patrols and broadcasting the soundtrack from Battlefield Earth. "Hopefully, we can lure pirates aboard with the promise of meeting Tom Cruise, then convince them to undertake auditing that will expose personality flaws and traumas." Divot added, "This auditing can be very expensive, so we may allow the pirates to keep raiding until they finally pay for enough courses to be clear of all engrams. Then they can paint the smokestack while they work through their OT levels. Between us, they'll never see Tom Cruise except on YouTube, but keep mum on that."