HHS Recommends Eating More Fish Killed by Underwater Explosions

'Dynamic Fishing' Best for Long Life

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The federal government unveiled dietary guidelines today that recommended eating more fish killed by underwater blasts. According to these latest guidelines, underwater shock waves cause fish to release healthy endorphins at the instant of death. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius reports that blasted fish bobbing to the surface are "marinated in a natural  sauce that's better for you and reduces the risk of cholesterol." Sebelius continued, "As part of the government's 'Boom Fish, Good Fish' program, Health and Human Services, in cooperation with the Army, is opening up the nation's hand grenade reserve to qualified persons. Old World War II pineapple grenades may now be flipped into oceans, lakes and freshwater rivers to create the nutritious fish that will best feed our children and elderly." Sebelius was quick to point out that 'dynamic fishing' need not be limited to grenades. "If people have the training and a proper license, than dynamite may be substituted as well as fertilizer bombs and military surplus depth charges." The Secretary elaborated that blasted fish were only part of a multi-pronged assault on obesity. "People should cut back on their salt and walk at least 3 times a week for 30 minutes, then go to the nearest dock and throw a grenade in the water. It all adds up to smart living." (Image: uvm.edu)

Egypt Blocks Facebook, Twitter; Nation Plunged into 1990s

CAIRO, EGYPT  -  As violent unrest spreads, the Egyptian government has blocked Twitter and limited access to Facebook, Yahoo and Google, hurling the troubled country back into the 1990s. "Demonstrators are having a hard time flirting and sharing jokes," said Memel Fahar of the Mid-East Institute for Social Media in Alexandria. "If this keeps up, people will be reduced to coordinating their revolt through phone calls, letters, or face-to-face." Fahar stated that rioter moral has fallen, especially with the blocking of Google's YouTube. "Demonstrators liked to relax from a day of being shot with rubber bullets by watching barely sentient American teens skateboard into park benches and hurt their nuts. Now this valuable amusement has been snatched from them."

Certain segments of the population, especially in large cities, believe a return to the 90s is not necessarily bad. Said Fahar: "In Cairo, Suez, and Alexandria sophisticated people wonder if we'll again see Moesha and The Tony Danza Show on television. But I believe not." Fahar hopes a determined Egyptian population recovers from government censorship. "Egypt is an old land. We built the pyramids and the Sphinx without texting 'u r hot' to some slut. Our people can always carve odd, two-dimensional drawings into stone. Let the government block that!" (Image: ranker.com)

Techno Remix of 'Shaddap You Face" Meets YouTube Disapproval

MONCLOUD, WI -An unemployed hockey coach uploaded a techno remix of 1980's novelty song "Shaddap You Face," sparking a round of hostile remarks in the Comments Section of his YouTube page. Under the handle of BigStick, former high school coach Hal Norman fought back against caustic posts directed at his uptempo remix of the Joe Dolce hit.

lmaddy21: Wow, this really sux!

BigStick: Pork me.

armwick: Bro, did you have to? LMAO!

BigStick: How 'bout a mouthful of meat puck?

labear: I love that part after Whatsamatta You? (hey!)/Gotta no respect? when the bass line and the drums kick in. My spinal column lit up like a giant torch. Keep going. Go further.

BigStick: Thanks, labear. Everyone else around here can pound hash up their butt with a ice scraper.

dancin4ever12987: Considering you have between 120 and 145 bpm plus short, melodic, repetitive, synthesizer phrases (especially after the lyric Why you looka so sad? when the claves seemed to continue into eternity), shouldn't you label this trance music?

BigStick: Just "Like It," Okay? Don't get all show-offy, weirdo.

lmaddy21: You're the weirdo. Why did you even pick this song? Couldn't find Don't Worry, Be Happy?

BigStick: That's my next upload, smart guy. You don't have to listen, or comment, or come around here ever again you living fart.

lmaddy21: Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

BigStick: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

labear: Any chance you'll ever remix the theme song to Maude?

BigStick: Could be...could be. Lemme think about that.

armwick: LMAO!

BigStick: Hey, armwick, you're mom puts out for the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Let's see: "Lady Godiva was a freedom rider"...start the bass. Yeah. I'm starting to feel it. "And then there's Maude"—punch in the drums. Oh, yeah. I'm feeling the driving beat. "Right on, Maude."

Stock Market Software Purchased on the Web Actually Makes You Rich

 New Millionaires Crowd Nation's Yacht Clubs

 SAN DIEGO, CA - A leaked IRS report has revealed that easy-to-install stock market software purchased over the Web and capable of executing complex trades while you nap is actually quite successful, creating a host of new millionaires. "We can't keep track of them all," said one IRS agent on condition of anonymity. "What's worse, many of our top agents have purchased the same software, grown rich, and left federal service to ski or gamble in Monaco." Relying on powerful algorithms and backed by information from former Wall Street insiders, the software is sold online at an amazing discount. Commented the agent, "These downloads are a license to print money. And yet they often only sell for $72 with a 60-day money back guarantee. Frankly, if this keep up, the whole country will be rich. Me too, I guess." (EDITOR'S NOTE: There was more to this story, but the writer purchased market-trading software online, grew rich, and moved to Paris. I'm going to open another window and visit one of these sites. Ah, there it is: "A SINGLE FOREX TRADE NETTED ME $178,964." Scroll down a bit..say, that is a reasonable price. Let me get out my credit card...okay...now for the download...got it...I'll start it up right away and let powerful algorithms scan the market for...Oh, my goodness! That was fast—I just made $89,000. I'm going to buy a turtleneck and get women. Why am I stil typ

President Celebrates Roe v. Wade by Exposing Infant on Mountain

SUGARLOAF MOUNTAIN PARK, MD - In a symbolic act, President Obama affirmed his support for reproductive rights by leaving a male infant to die on a mountain trail. "This child survived an abortion in Illinois," said the President. "In the spirit of the Illinois law which I fought for, a law which unburdens medical staff from unnecessary tasks, we are leaving this child out on a mountain like the ancient Spartans. Also we could not find a mountain in Illinois. Nevertheless, don't think for a moment we are not concerned with the life and health of infants everywhere."
TONIGHT BABY DINES IN HELL
Wearing over-sized Greek armor and carrying a nine-iron, the President delivered a brief statement:
"Today marks the 38the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision protecting women's health and reproductive freedom except in Philadelphia, and affirms a fundamental principle: that government should not intrude on private family matters except in cases of choosing your own health care provider.
I am committed to protecting reproductive freedom especially in Philadelphia. I also remain committed to policies that  help prevent unintended pregnancies especially in Philadelphia, support pregnant women and mothers except in Philadelphia...and promote adoption except in Pennsylvania and Illinois.
What time do we tee off?"
(Image: shoponline2011.com)

Thomas L. Friedman Adopted by Chinese Family

ASKS TO BE CALLED 'PENG'
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Rumors have been confirmed that Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Thomas L. Friedman—at his own request—was adopted by a Chinese family. And while the New York Times refused comment, Garrett Yao, owner of Manhattan's Jade City Restaurant, stated he signed notarized documents naming Friedman, or 'Peng' as one of his [Yao's] sons. A strong believer in Chinese authoritarianism, Friedman/Peng has already bound his feet and is attempting to grow a long pigtail. Yao stated, "I tell Peng, 'Don't tie up feet. That for woman in old days. Besides, you have big man feet. But he wants to be Chinese like in The Good Earth."

CHOP-CHOP USA
A noted Chinaphile, Peng has written several columns praising the Chinese Communist government for its ability to force thousands of people from their homes in order to build Olympic structures. Peng shared his beliefs in New York's Chinatown while pulling tourists around in a rickshaw. According to Peng, "China's liberation from cumbersome governmental restraint is the foundation for a clean green future that will see wind-powered family-planning clinics and vehicles that run on ground-up Tibetan monks." Peng ignored tourist complaints that strolling pedestrians were moving faster. "My feet are bound," he snapped at one point. "What do you know of our culture, big-nose barbarians?"
THE PRICE OF CHINANESS
At their destination, the tourists paid Peng for the rickshaw ride but withheld a gratuity.  An angry Peng cursed the couple as they walked quickly away. "How dare you stiff a Son of Heaven? I was born under the sign of the Snake, sensual and prudent, but I can be suffocating. Turn around, you Iowa fatties! If this were China, I'd have you thrown in a camp for the next 15 fifteen years, making flashlights and eating field mice." Peng exhaled in disgust, removing a wide, straw coolie hat and fanning himself. "I'd better get over to the restaurant. Dad wants me to iron napkins this afternoon. If I don't, he'll kill me...which is fantastic. That's how you run a railroad."(Image: Wickipedia)

Yard Leopard Provides Pet Owners Peace of Mind

INI ADVERTORIAL (Once again, INI has provided space to a responsible advertiser. These are different advertisers from the guys selling old mummies. We had some complaints about them. Please consider buying this important, different product. Our share of every purchase is minimal.)

How many times have you seen a telephone pole plastered with pictures of missing dogs and cats? In your heart, you know the only way they’ll ever be found is after passing through a coyote's tummy. Protected by strict laws in many states, these busy-tailed bandits have made themselves at home in our neighborhoods, chowing down on our four-legged friends. Well, if you love your little tabby or playful pooch, then fight pack by purchasing a fully-grown African leopard.

Smallest of the big cats, leopards have been hunting for thousands of years. They are fast, strong, and tree-climbing fools even with a mouthful of coyote. Let your leopard establish itself in the back yard and coyotes will soon be howling a different tune. Available in spotted or black colors; may be necessary to keep pets, children, and slow adults inside until after the leopard has sated itself. These predators are a steal at $3,998. Optional long iron gloves recommended for petting the animals.

Send a cashier's check for the above amount to: Yard Leopard c/o Niles Storage Center, Unit #201, 2447 Flaming Bum Road, Old Squaw, New Mexico, 87122. We are not the same as the guys selling mummies. Or if we are, we stopped once the leopard shipment arrived. In any case, order now and we'll throw in a free pig smeared with coyote musk just to get the ball rolling. (Image: 123rf.com)

(Video: molinarelisod)

Indian Mummies Make Great Green Gift Idea

 INI ADVERTORIAL (Occasionally, Interesting News Items contracts its space to responsible advertisers. Sometimes their fonts and spacing are odd. Don't be put off.)

Tired of buying carbon offsets for the relatives? Stay on their green side with an all-natural Indian mummy. These air-dried cadavers are over 9,000 years old and might’ve ended up in the foundation of a condo if we hadn’t stepped in. Now you can help preserve an ancient culture that believed the Earth was a holy entity created by a giant crow that spit. (Google “giant spitting crow” and learn more.) Each five-foot, three-inch mummy comes with the remains of hand-woven fabrics and part of a broken pot. They are perfect to mount in your car for those hectic days when you really need to use the Diamond Lane. Kids love ‘em, but careful as they crumble like month-old Wheat Thins. DNA tests are inconclusive so these mummies could be Paiute/Shoshone Native Americans, ancient Vikings, or aliens from beyond the Horsehead Nebula. No one is really sure, but we’re calling them Indians and so should you. A grave-robbing steal at $79.99. Note: We believe the Internet is an outdated teenage fade, already passing into the realm of painter pants and mood rings. So send a check made out to 'cash' (or cash itself) to Mummie-Dearest c/o Niles Storage Center, Unit #201, 2447 Flaming Bum Road, Old Squaw, New Mexico, 87122.  Supplies can’t last much longer. Dangerous curse optional. (Image: heritage-key.com)

Brown Appoints Linda Ronstadt Secretary of Song

SACRAMENTO, CA - Governor Jerry Brown unleashed his very own blast-from-the-past, appointing former flame Linda Ronstadt to fill a newly created cabinet position. As California's Secretary of Song, Ronstadt, the former Queen of Rock, is now responsible for encouraging the use of singing in the workplace, the home, and at the opening of wind farms. "I will lead California to a new green prosperity," said the governor at a recent press conference, "while, at the same time, Linda will lead the state to a higher consciousness through pro-active melody." Brown defined 'pro-active melody' as "happy songs that make you glad to be paying some of the highest taxes in the nation."

Current state song, "I Love You, California," was written in 1913 by Francis Bernard Silverwood and became state song by law in 1988. Sources close to Brown feel the tune is corny and outdated with verses such as:

I love your old gray Missions - love your vineyards stretching far.
I love you, California, with your Golden Gate ajar.
I love your purple sun-sets, love your skies of azure blue.
I love you, California; I just can't help loving you.

One of the new Secretary's first tasks is hauling the state anthem into the 21st century. According to a Ronstadt spokesmen, the Grammy Award-winning singer is already hard at work in the studio, laying in a new track that jazzes up the old melody while modernizing the lyrics. The Secretary released a sample passage:

I love your old gray Missions - built by meddling monks.
I love the streets of 'Frisco, overrun with hostile drunks.
I love to watch small business, regulated and annoyed.
I love you, California; home to unions and unemployed.

However all is not harmony between the Governor and his new songstress. Insiders report Ronstadt resented not being Jerry Brown's first choice. Apparently, Brown wanted Lady Ga Ga as Secretary of Song. However the controversial artist was eliminated after meeting with the governor and responding to all his questions by dry humping a mop handle. (Images: pbs.org)

Krugman Kracks

NYT columnist rages after uncovering heartland hate in American Pickers.

Unabomber Looks Forward to Meeting Loughner

FLORENCE, CO - In a cell, Ted Kaczynski reads, writes, and hopes that Tucson shooting suspect Jared Loughner gets assigned to his federal supermax. "He's an idea guy," said Kaczynski via letter. "I heard about some of his grammar arguments and they reminded me of a young Noam Chomsky." Unable to speak with other prisoners, Kaczynski is nevertheless confident he could carry on communication with Loughner. "I'd send him a kite [prison letter]," said the Unabomber. "Let's face it, the other guys around here bore me stiff. They only want to talk about Dancing with the Stars and hiding hacksaw blades up their ass. I want a conversation with a little meat on it."

Kaczynski figures that shooting a congresswoman will land Loughner into federal court. The status and number of victims have already made him a high profile prisoner. Provided the younger man ducks the death penalty, Kaczynski is certain Loughner will be shipped to the Colorado supermax. "I hear he's an atheist, pot-smoking dude who likes The Communist Manifesto. Hell, it'll be just like talking to another professor at Berkeley. I can't wait." (Images: undueinfluence.com and atlasshrugs)

Foreign News Flash

Important reasons to encourage diversity.

Ziaja237

'Climate of Hate' Transformed by Use of 'Please'

BERKLEY, CA - In the wake of the Tucson tragedy, a surprising report has surfaced demonstrating how overheated political speech could be transformed into impersonal criticism by the power of 'please.' Conducted by sociology Professor Daniel Rath, the 2010 study divided student volunteers into two 'camps' and placed them in a room. Camp A was instructed to create a climate of hate by using phrases such as 'tax cuts' and 'Obamacare.' Camp B was instructed to respond with violent speech that included the word 'please,' as in 'Will someone please shoot those hate-filled Camp A idiots?' In addition, Camp B was encouraged to invoke unpleasant natural forces as in, 'I don't want anyone shot in Camp A, but I hope they all please get cancer and die slowly.'

Said Professor Rath, "Clearly, an opposition to hate can not, by definition, be hate provided it contains politeness and an appeal to action by third parties. Thus Camp B's rhetoric becomes insightful criticism and elevates their words into a higher, more thoughtful plane." Professor Rath hoped his study would be used to further decency in discourse and quench inflammatory political rhetoric. "The only way to return civility to this country is to silence fat, drug-addict, racists like Rush Limbaugh. Will someone please give him throat cancer?"(Image: goodlookingcorgi.blogspot.com and scholastic.com) 

Discovery To Air 'Nancy Pelosi's Alaska'

SILVER SPRINGS, MD -  Discovery Communications has announced a February 15 air date for a new series entitled Nancy Pelosi's Alaska. Hoping to piggyback on the success of Sarah Palin's Alaska, the hour-long episodes will feature former Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi wandering the Denali National Forest wearing a business suit and carrying an over-sized, wooden gavel.

"It's your basic fish-out-of-water," said Tina Branton, senior executive at Discovery's Travel and Learning Channel, the series' new home. "Observe Sarah Palin and you know she's at home in the deep bush. But watch Nancy Pelosi and you guess she's never been anywhere that wasn't carpeted. We think our TLC audience will enjoy watching Nancy react to things outside her comfort zone."

Filmed last fall in an attempt to boost then-Speaker Pelosi's plummeting poll numbers, the series was delayed after Tlingit Indians kidnapped Pelosi and forced her to crouch atop a totem pole, believing the Speaker's taut, rictus-like grin was actually a wood carving.

Once matters were cleared up, Pelosi was reintroduced into the forest. Camera crews recorded her adventures, including an attempt to bribe porcupines into bringing her food by promising to place them on the Endangered Species list. According to Branton, viewers will see Pelosi struggling to navigate a glacier in high-heels and accusing polar bears of racism. In one episode, Pelosi tries to catch salmon by granting them exemptions from swimming upriver.

In the season finale, Pelosi returns to civilization by threatening the camera crew with an IRS audit if they don't drive her to Anchorage. Overall, Branton stated she was pleased with the ex-Speaker's performance but disappointed that there won't be a second series. "Beavers ate Nancy's big gavel and she grew listless and remote. Too bad. We had her lined up to crew on Deadliest Catch."
 (Image: life.com)

Koan See For Yourself

Enlightenment and loans do not mix.

Indian Casino Offers Loose Slots, Kali Worship

SANTA BARBARA, CA -A mistake in California law has allowed a New Delhi high priest to open a casino/temple featuring Pai Gow Poker and worship of the goddess Kali. "I applied for a license and said I was Indian," said owner Gopal Tilak. "Truly, there was no falsehood." Tilak's Lucky Kali Casino combines family-friendly gaming with teaching gamblers reconciliation to death and cosmic acceptance. "Some of our most generous slots are located in a special low-light section designed to look like a crematorium," explained Tilak. "Traditionally, this is the best place to show courage and face Kali but no one would go there if they couldn't win a few bucks."

Ultimately, Tilak's goal is to assist the public on their reincarnation climb. "Many of our patrons are low caste, meaning they were born in such a state because of past sins. But if they gamble at the Lucky Kali, they could become wealthy and ascend to a higher caste. If not, they will live out a brute existence of ignorance and fear." Tilak paused, peering around the busy floor with its noisy slot machines and cocktail girls wearing ornate headdresses and costumes with extra arms. "We are better than any Laughlin casino and almost better than Buffalo Bill's in Primm. I adore Kali, but there they have the car in which Bonnie and Clyde were shot. So many bullet holes. And Clyde's shirt is there too. But Clyde is not there. He has been reconciled with Kali." (Image: indhistory.com)

Michigan Hires Robert Gibbs as Head Football Coach

ANN ARBOR, MI - Michigan Athletic director Dave Brandon announced White House press secretary Robert Gibbs would coach the 2011 Wolverines. The unusual move has Gibbs arriving in Ann Arbor in early February, leaving many worried about recruiting. "High school seniors sign their letters of intent on the first Wednesday of February," said an ESPN analyst. "How is Gibbs going to wrap up a prospect if he's still spinning away behind his lectern?" Brandon waved aside such concerns. "Robert Gibbs is very intelligent and more than capable of multi-tasking. He can wrangle the press while texting some big, dumb defensive lineman."

Gibbs stated he was motivated to take the job after reading letters sent to President Obama from average American footballs fans who wondered if the president could do something about Michigan always losing to Ohio State. "Their concerns, and the concerns of other average Americans, over the direction of the Michigan program led me to accept the job. And to those Americans who wake up every day without a win over the Buckeyes, let me say that if verbal nimbleness and sarcasm can rebuild a once-proud gridiron dynasty, then you can send the 2011 BCS trophy directly to Schembechler Hall."

Brandon believes successful head coaching experience at the collegiate level is secondary to Gibbs' ability to shape an event. "Why was our Gator Bowl loss so painful? Partially it was getting crushed by Mississippi State 52 - 14. But mostly it was [fired head coach Rick] Rodriguez inability to craft a slaughter into a positive. Imagine if Robert Gibbs had been behind the podium at the post-game press conference? He'd be walking back his pre-game remarks, mocking reporters, zinging them with snark, judo-flipping questions on poor coaching or the score and placing the blame on Fox News. You lose on the field but you win the narrative. That's gotta help with recruiting." (Image: LA Times and connect.in.com)

Navy Shocked by Shipboard Profanity

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Raunchy videotapes by a naval captain shown to sailors in a combat zone have left Navy brass stunned by its use of profanity and gay slurs. "How can we expect our personal to kill this nation's enemies if they're offended?" asked Navy spokesman Commander P.C. Hawk. Capt. Owen "OP" Honers, commander of the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Enterprise, made the crude tapes several years ago while the Enterprise was deployed in support operations off Iraq and Afghanistan. "An unoffended crew is a more efficient crew," declared Commander Hawk. "If you're not wounded by harsh language and bawdy humor you're more capable of loading cluster bombs onto an F-18." Hawk believed the tapes "crossed a line." Explained the Commander, "In recent years, the Navy has set down guidelines on what constitutes approved bawdy shipboard behaviour in a battle area. Clearly, this tape transcended those guidelines. Put simply: the Navy will not tolerate intolerant behaviour while vaporizing this country's foes with two-thousand pound bombs." Hawk believes that once the Navy demonstrates its commitment to tolerance, reenlistments will skyrocket. "Everyone wants to stay in a service dedicated to diversity." As the Enterprise deploys once again to the waters off Afghanistan, it will do so without the relieved Capt. Honers. And while his career is finished, sources state  Honers has been contacted by both VH-1 and Comedy Central who want him to head up their teen programming.  (Image: Porcelain Theology) 

Patients Fondly Recall Dental Mishaps

TACOMA, WA - In a Starbucks within sight of the water three people laughed and sipped their lattes, recalling the dental mishaps that drew them together last year. "We all were patients of the same awful dentist," said Casper Piling through reddish copper teeth. "At different times, we heard each other hollering and swearing, even though we hadn't officially met." Tina Ming giggled in agreement. Though only 28 and fashionably dressed, her single remaining tooth made her appear much younger or considerably older. "I saw this nut Casper in the lobby," she joked. "He was tearing up magazines and stuffing the pages in his mouth to slow the bleeding. But then he put his big mitts on a People Magazine  I was reaching for." Eleanor Platte chimed in, scribbling on a pad as her mouth had been accidentally sealed with dental glue. "Tina and Casper started arguing, but then discovered they were both very unhappy with the quality of dental care we'd been receiving. Then I joined them, making grunting noises like The Mummy. But they welcomed me as an equal." While discussing possible legal action, the trio learned they shared interests in World of Warcraft and ham sculptures. "Now we're best friends," said Casper. "And we owe it all to bad dentistry." Tina laughed, "You'd have more luck separating Eleanor's lips than getting the three of us apart." Eleanor nodded vigorously, writing, "It's so good to meet new people and share interests. I think I'm slowly starving to death. Does it show?" (Image: Geekologie)

Coming Soon

No Country for Old Men the series.

via JonathanAndrewSmith

From Abba and I to You...

...a happy, fairly pleasant New Year!


via Brightnights