Obama Healthcare Draws on 'Soylent Green'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In his speech to the nation last night, President Obama introduced the idea of community suicide centers modeled after those in the film, Soylent Green. "What a compassionate, cost-effective way to assist our nation's elderly and at-risk populations," said White House spokesperson Adrian Heemer. The centers, or CSS, would be mandatory for citizens with conditions deemed too expensive to treat as determined by a special CSS board. Staffed by teenagers whose parents are major campaign donors, Heemer said the board would teach these youngsters social responsibility and valuable work place skills such as being on-time. Patients selected for CSS may expect a final drink of cocoa, the right to transmit a brief YouTube message, and the musical stylings of The Cranberrys. Termination choices may include lethal injection, defenestration, or beating. Heemer hopes most people will choose defenestration or beating. "Why not go out thinking of the community, in a manner that holds down costs?" (Photo: www.sitepoint.com)