Doctors Warn of Second-Hand Tanning

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A study conducted by the American Academy of Dermatology has discovered that people in close proximity to well-tanned Americans are in danger of contracting skin cancer. "We're calling it the 'second-hand tanning' effect," said Dr. Christopher Parse, academy spokesperson. "For some complicated medical reason, melanoma will jump from individuals using tanning beds to the untanned in a heart beat. It's a fact." Dr. Parse was quick to point out that the AAD's research had nothing to do with congressional proposals to raise money for healthcare by taxing plastic surgery. "We only care about the science and innocent lives and the children," said Dr. Parse. "In that regard, we're no different from congress." (Photo: tanning-bed-guides.com)

Cthulhu Favors Public Option

R'LYEH, PACIFIC OCEAN - Great Old One Cthulhu leans toward a public option in the ongoing healthcare debate. "Though in no way human, I believe it's a basic human right for people to have good-quality, medical coverage." Pausing to crush a small vessel filled with screaming sailors, the colossal entity continued, "And to make that happen, you need a large entity like the government to wade in. Of course, there will be many new taxes, plus rationing to hold down costs." Cthulhu paused, staring off into the distance, sending out thought waves that would drive artists and sensitive folk mad on a half-dozen continents. "But that's the price a civilized nation pays for universal care." Leaning back against the wall of a strange, titanic temple constructed using non-Euclidean geometry, Cthulhu tugged thoughtfully at his facial tentacles. "But without getting all high and mighty, the healthcare argument doesn't really interest me. Once the stars align and we [Great Old Ones] return to rule earth, we're gonna crush everything and eat everybody, so get the government involved...or not. I roll either way." (Photo: roberthood.net)

Robber Blames Spree on 'Band of Brothers' PTSD

PALMYRA, NJ - A man arrested for robbing four stores in a mini-mall blamed his actions on PTSD, acquired after seeing Band of Brothers. Dillon Malone told police that after viewing the last episode of the popular World War II mini-series, he felt tense and anxious. Malone's attorney, Victor Angeletti stated, "Let's face it: watching several hours of combat in the European Theater is no picnic. Malone's symptoms are classic post-traumatic-stress-disorder such as you only observe in combat veterans." Malone has numerous convictions for armed robbery, burglary, and theft, as well as an expensive meth amphetamine habit. He was overheard telling tavern patrons that when he needed money he just took it at gunpoint. However, Angeletti cautioned against a rush to judgement. "There's no way we'll ever know what triggered my client's outburst. But clearly PTSD was in the mix, accelerated by an inadequate health care system that ignores the needs of our nation's second-hand veterans." (Photo: gracefellowshipchurch.com)

H1N1 Vaccine Available in Vending Machines

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Concerned about paying for universal healthcare and determined to make swine flue vaccine available to all, Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius discovered a compromise: place the vaccine in vending machines. "H1N1 swine flue vaccine will be loaded into refrigerated vending machines located in subways, airports, and bus stations," said Sebelius. "It's like buying a Coke. Put in ninety-four cents, press a button and obtain a disposable syringe. Inject yourself and have a wonderful day." Sebelius stated cash from the machines will be used to buy office equipment for new government agencies that will sprout up in the wake of affordable healthcare for all. "It's coming," said Sebelius. "Not for me or anyone who works for Uncle Sam, or for rich people, or unions, but it's coming for you." H1N1 vaccine vending machines will also carry Dots, red licorice vines, Mountain Dew, condoms, and stamps. Sebelius begged the public to "please not tip the machines if your syringe doesn't deploy. It's a safety hazard." (Photo: teeeph.net)

Zombies Face Brain Tax

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hidden within Speaker Pelosi's healthcare bill is a new tax on eating brains that has infuriated the undead community. "This is rank discrimination," stated attorney Charles Beamon, undead spokesperson. "My clients are deceased, voiceless except for grunts, low moans and snarls. This makes them easy targets for punitive taxation." In addition, Beamon stated the healthcare bill ignored zombie dietary needs. "They only eat one thing. Serve 'em brains and a salad and they'll eat the brains. Sure, the bill mentions 'brain co-ops,' and 'private cranial options,' but there is serious doubt the government can deliver. If zombies could talk they'd probably have a saying like: 'all shuffle and no bite.' That's what we think of this plan." Beamon added that the undead plan a march on Washington within the month, where they hope to meet Speaker Pelosi and eat her brains. "If they can find any," joked Beamon. "Just kidding. Hope that's not a hate crime." (Photo: hotwallpaper.co.cc)

Public Option Now Called 'Beer'

SUNRISE, FLA - In an attempt to pass mandatory government health care, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has announced she will call the new system, 'beer.' "We need a name with less baggage" stated Pelosi. "People like beer and we want them to like our new federal healthcare system." Inspired by the enthusiastic response to 'beer' from her staff, Pelosi referred to cap-and-trade as 'fun clown time' and card check as 'free sex.' (Photo: stuffeducatedlatinoslike...)

NEA Funds 'Urine Lake' in Support of ObamaCare

PILING, MA - Pro ObamaCare artists have filled an old quarry with thousands of gallons of urine in an NEA-funded exhibit called 'Urine Lake.' "These are my peeps," said Deputy Director Buffy Wicks of the White House Office of Public Engagement. Working with artists around the country in conjunction with the National Endowment of the Arts, Wicks hopes to energize the public in support of the President's health care initiative. "We wanted to make a bold statement right out of the gate," said Wicks about Urine Lake. "And while I can't tell you what it means exactly, it symbolizes healthcare change." Wicks and the NEA have also underwritten a ninety-foot statue of the Pope made out of bobcat dung, and the Bullwinkle balloon from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade covered in menstrual blood. "Again, this is crazy stuff the artists come up with," giggled Wicks. "But it means pro healthcare change, which means its all good. Maybe they could use modeling clay sometime. I hope so. It would sure smell nicer." (Photo: flickr.com)

Obama Appears on Venice Beach with Megaphone

VENICE BEACH, CA - Yelling through a megaphone, a shirtless President Obama harangued a large crowd, arguing for his health care plan and growing hoarse as he competed with a loud boom box and a chain-saw juggler. Despite general admiration for his pecs, the President lost a major portion of the crowd when a man roller-skated past with a parrot that squawked out curse words. The appearance was part of the President's health care offensive, with a second speech scheduled for later at an Orange Julius in Woodland Hills. "I'm very positive my message is being heard," whispered the President. "Plus I made three dollars and forty-nine cents in tips." (Photo: myoops.org)

Kennedy Ghost Appears Drunk at Obama Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C. - During President Obama's health care speech, observers saw the spectral figure of Ted Kennedy holding a large cocktail and a plastic backscratcher shaped like a hand. The Kennedy shade wandered the viewing gallery, using the backscratcher to part women's garments and peek inside. At one point, the ghost threw up a portion of ectoplasmic lobster and some ghost tangerines. After vanishing for several minutes, former senator Ted Kennedy reappeared on the chamber floor where he dry-humped colleague Barbara Boxer before disappearing. "We knew he'd come back for this," said White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs. "He wanted health care for everyone but himself while he lived. And lobster. But I don't think Barbara Boxer ever figured in his plans that way. I guess that means Ted is really dead." (Photo: blog.newsok.com)

Cannibals Back ObamaCare

THOUSAND OAKS, CA - Supporters of the President's healthcare plan expressed their displeasure by devouring a 65-year-old man who opposed a single-payer option. "He tasted like chicken," said Voracious American spokesperson Enoch Weathers. "But at least he'll no longer be shilling for the insurance companies." Weathers and other pro-healthcare cannibals back the government's plan because it eliminates prior conditions, something Weathers says the insurance companies use to discriminate against Voracious Americans. "Let an HMO find out you like eating people and they'll deny coverage. Is it any of their business?" Weathers grows angry when compared to cannibal zombies in movies such as Resident Evil and Dawn of the Dead. "We have jobs and pets and loved ones. Most of us can drive cars. We care deeply and are very passionate about healthcare. And we'll eat anyone who gets in our way. Plus we won't shop at Whole Foods." (Photo: puncturewound.blogspot.com)

Kennedy's Body Sold for Healthcare Tour

WASHINGTON, D.C. - SEIU President Andy Stern has purchased the corpse of Ted Kennedy for an undisclosed sum. "He's not going anywhere," laughed Stern. The late senator will be stuffed and mounted on the front of a 'healthcare bus,' that will tour America, rallying people behind universal coverage. "We got a taxidermist that used to work on elephant seals. He'll make Senator Kennedy look just fine - except for the black marble eyes." Stern and the SEIU intend standing behind the deceased senator all across the nation, at scenic overlooks and interstate coffee shops. "We want what Ted Kennedy wanted," added Stern. "Girls, booze and power without accountability. Oh yeah, and health care for all outside government. And girls." (Photo: autoblog.com)

Robbery Suspect Employs Concealed Lobster

PLATTEVILLE, WI - Two banks and a grocery store were robbed by a man who produced a large lobster from inside his clothing and threatened employees. "Jeez, it was big," said First Bank of Platteville manager Jeff Alba. "Everyone was afraid of being pinched so we cooperated." The unidentified suspect next robbed Mound City Savings, then the A&P supermarket. Said supermarket employee Brandy Munchen, "It was weird. All he took were picnic supplies and tarter sauce." Local police are continuing the search, but fear the suspect may have destroyed evidence. (Photo: Ross Levitt/CNN)

Post Office to Run Like Obamacare

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Losing three billion dollars a year, the U.S. Post Office is changing operations to more closely match the President's healthcare plan. "We're getting rid of mail routes," said Postmaster General John E. Potter. "Instead, people will now visit regional postal exchanges. There they can drop off and pick-up mail, purchase stamps, and receive end-of-life delivery counseling." In addition, the exchanges will offer consumers a choice between UPS, Federal Express and the postal service."The post office will be using Air Force C-130s and charging a nickel to deliver packages anywhere in the world," said Potter. "We'll be paying for that by taxing the wealthiest Americans or just printing a canyon full of money." Potter added that all Americans will be expected to take part in 'preventive posting.' "If you have something to mail, we're gonna ask that you damage, tear or pilfer the material yourself. This will save valuable time in the mailing process and allow our employees to work uninterrupted on their second jobs." All USPO changes must first be approved by the Postal Board of Governors, who are expected to issue a ruling after they return from break sometime in late 2014.

'Obamacare: Death Ward' Released to PC

BELLINGHAM, WA - Alt Entertainment has released a PC 3D video game based on President Obama's healthcare plan. 'Obamacare: Death Ward' is a first-person shooter set in the year 2020. As a member of an elite Special Forces Unit - the Viper Dogs - you must infiltrate a massive, government-run hospital and rescue old people who are about to be terminated as a cost-saving measure. AI, graphics and game play initially seem pretty standard as you battle your way past security guards, union janitors, and health care bureaucrats, all depicted as subhuman gnomes. One interesting switch on traditional FSP gameplay is that whenever you attempt to recover from damage via a first-aid power-up, the game stops while your character fills out yards of paperwork. Sounds include rustling papers, pen scratching, and constant, muttered swearing. Deep under the hospital, as you battle toward the termination ward, the danger ratchets up. First there are massive SEIU Goons that absorb a lot of battle damage. Then there are shadowy Chicago People, slippery and difficult to hit. Be wary when you blast one as they splatter into a foul muck while denying they've been hit, or else, claiming they always wanted to be shot. Finally, you face a giant, gaudy actuary called Pelosid who speaks in an harsh, scolding voice: "Don't touch my old people, you Nazi-astroturf-insurance lackey." But defeating Pelosid and rescuing the old people is only the start. You and the surviving Viper Dogs must now fight your way into Big Pharmacy and recover the old folks' medicine. 'Obamacare: Death Ward' offers rich, detailed maps, several play modes, and a visually stunning gamescape, all of which deteriorate over five years into a single room with poor sound quality and slow response times. Best played immediately. (Photo: 1990kemal.spaces.live.com)

Parasite Study Links SEIU to Tapeworms

ATLANTA, GA - While investigating parasites at the Center for Disease Control, researchers have discovered a strong resemblance between the Service Employees International Union and tapeworms. "We're seeing too many similarities to ignore," said Doctor Ramesh Panjandray. "They [SEIU] are transmitted via the Democratic Party, attach with suckers to local and state government jobs, feed off taxpayers, and will grow to immense size unless removed." With the study still underway, Panjandray expressed caution. "These are only initial findings. We must not draw too many comparisons between tapeworms and the second largest public sector union. For example, tapeworms don't attack if you disagree with them." (Photos: blogs.sfweekly.com & britishbeef.co.uk)

Mimes Explain Obamacare

WASHINGTON, DC - Fearful of angry constituent questions, Democratic congressmen have hired mimes to attend townhall meetings and "act out" the healthcare bill. Said Democratic Party spokesperson Tara Pung: "By using gestures and cuteness, the mimes will hopefully diffuse anger and cause people to laugh at their own foibles, rather than focus on a giant, unread plan to take-over the nation's health care." Results have so far been mixed. In Fayetteville, Arkansas, a mime appeared at a townhall instead of the local congressman. Rubbing his tummy, the mime frowned as if suffering a stomach ache. Next, the mime 'swallowed' a copy of the 1,000 page healthcare bill, acting like a python eating a pig. Once the bill was 'down,' the mime brightened and hugged himself. Constituents beat the mime with a folding chair. In Fudge, New York, a congressmen introduced a mime to a crowd at the library, then quickly left. The mime pretended to walk against the wind until he 'found' a copy of the healthcare bill. At that point, the mime straightened as if the wind had ceased and smiled in wonder. He was struck with the card catalog. Despite such incidents, Pung remained confident. "Speaker Pelosi assures me we have sufficient mimes to get through August. I want to say 'mime over matter,' but I won't." Photos: (Google & tundracomics.com)

Healthcare Provision Allows Chimp Killing

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Buried deep in the House version of the healthcare bill is a provision that would allow lawmakers to dress up chimpanzees in suits and little hats and shoot them. "We're not sure who put that in or why, but the language is uncommonly clear," said a source close to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. The provision would earmark funds for clothing, ammunition, pizzas, and carcass disposal through the General Services Administration. The source didn't know if the provision would remain through House and Senate reconciliation. "No one reads these bills, so anything is possible. All I can say is someone on Capitol Hill wants to cap a monkey real bad."

Obama Healthcare Draws on 'Soylent Green'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In his speech to the nation last night, President Obama introduced the idea of community suicide centers modeled after those in the film, Soylent Green. "What a compassionate, cost-effective way to assist our nation's elderly and at-risk populations," said White House spokesperson Adrian Heemer. The centers, or CSS, would be mandatory for citizens with conditions deemed too expensive to treat as determined by a special CSS board. Staffed by teenagers whose parents are major campaign donors, Heemer said the board would teach these youngsters social responsibility and valuable work place skills such as being on-time. Patients selected for CSS may expect a final drink of cocoa, the right to transmit a brief YouTube message, and the musical stylings of The Cranberrys. Termination choices may include lethal injection, defenestration, or beating. Heemer hopes most people will choose defenestration or beating. "Why not go out thinking of the community, in a manner that holds down costs?" (Photo: www.sitepoint.com)

Steve Jobs Liver Sent to Cupertino

CUPERTINO, CA - Doctors who recently transplanted Steve Jobs' liver report they were forced to send the organ to Apple headquarters for repair. "There was some kind of legal requirement," said Doctor Mason Harris. "We had to remove the old liver, place it in a special box, then send it from here in Tennessee all the way to Cupertino." After ten days, Apple responded by sending a new liver and an Apple stick-on decal." Jobs' was reportedly in good shape, though Dr. Harris had reservations. "He's fine now, but he'll need a new liver every two years for the rest of his life." (Photo: www.social42.com)

Medicare Patients Shipped to Lourdes

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Beginning in October, all sick persons receiving Medicare benefits will be transported by steamer to the Shrine of Lourdes. Located in southern France and noted for Marian apparitions, Lourdes was chosen by Health and Human Services because of the large number of miraculous cures. "What's a miracle cost per patient compared to long-term care?" asked HHS undersecretary Avery Monteith. "By transporting our elderly to Lourdes, we're able to shift costs under Medicare Parts A through C to the president's health care reforms." No provisions have been made to house the elderly, who will be stacked around a sacred grotto on army cots. "We all have to make sacrifices," said Monteith. "But they'll still receive Part D prescription drugs and a ball cap that says 'Lourdes.'" According to Monteith, in 2012 HHS will expand the program to include Medicaid recipients. "As of now, we're hoping for an eighty-nine percent miraculous cure rate. We'll need that to make room around the grotto. Anything less, and the sick may have to double bunk."
(Photo:Manuel González Olaechea y Franco)