Obama: 'More Porn' Key to Financial Regulation

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Citing a report on porn addiction by SEC employees, the President called for 'unfettered access' to internet pornography sites as the key to financial regulation. In a speech to a maritime college not far from Wall Street, President Obama stated Security and Exchange Commission regulators were forced to spend so much time bypassing porn filters on work computers they couldn't catch Bernie Madoff or stop economic meltdown. "'For want of a nail, the shoe was lost,'"said Obama. "By hindering our first-line of financial defense from easy access to bigbrazilianjugs.com we denied them a simple pleasure, forcing them to work around, instead of with, the system." The President proposed giving the SEC larger, faster computers, more Flash drives, and office doors with deadbolts. "These tools will allow our regulatory sheriffs to relax, regroup then catch those who think the system exists for their own selfish benefit."