Wal-Mart Offers Pre-Trampled Employee

BABYLON, LONG ISLAND - Wal-Mart announced they have trampled an employee to death prior to opening for post-Christmas sales. "We didn't want shoppers bursting in and killing someone, then getting delayed by investigations and crime scene tape," said Wal-Mart spokesperson Gail Angeletta. Chosen via in-store lottery, the employee, whose name was not released, was pre-killed by tramps who were paid in cartons of stew.