Sunday, December 21, 2008

Anti 8 Protesters Disrupt Temple of Dagon

ROWLEY, MA - Activists angered over California's Prop 8, crashed a ceremony of the Esoteric Order of Dagon. "We had a bunch of Jello shots, then figured we'd mess with some Mormons," said surviving activist Perry Stater. "So we drove over to Innsmouth and charged into the first thing that looked like a Mormon temple." Stater gazed out the window from his bed in the Rowley Insane Asylum. "Then things got weird." Along with four other activists, Stater entered the Order's building during a Saturday night service. A non-traditional faith, the Esoteric Order worships a Philistine fish god named Dagon. Interrupting the congregation's chants, the activists rushed around a seaweed-covered, red-stained alter. "The place smelled like rotten sushi," recalled Stater. "And torches burned on the walls, you know, like a Goth club? Suddenly all these squat, fish-frog monsters scuttled out of a hole near the alter and grabbed the others, dragging them into the darkness. I ran outside screaming like a crazy person and passed out. When I came to, I found myself strapped into a bed with my hair turned white - which I'm totally cool with." Police investigated the temple, interviewing High Priest Obed Marsh, but a search revealed no sign of the missing activists. "In dreams, I saw what happened," said Stater. "They were sacrificed by the Deep Ones, who live in the sea off Innsmouth. They'll come for me soon. I wish we'd picked on Methodists."

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