MOSCOW, RUSSIAN FEDERATION - The State Department announced that a new U.S. car czar must first be crowned by the Orthodox Church Patriarch. "It's a way of making nice with the Russians," said State Department spokesperson Kris Hill. "We borrowed their word, so we let them crown the new czar." When asked his opinion, the Patriarch replied through an interpreter, "[The car czar] will rein through the mercy of Almighty God. He will be Holy Czar of All Cars and Supreme Ruler of Detroit." In addition to managing the bailout oversight board, the car czar will have the power to flog lazy workers, behead executives, and exile union bosses to Saginaw. "We're thinking he won't use those powers," said Hill. "It could make things tense real fast."