WASHINGTON, D.C. - Joining a star-studded cabinet, Dr. Theodore Kaczynski has been chosen to head up the Environmental Protection Agency. Educated at Harvard, with a PhD from the University of Michigan, Dr. Kaczynski taught mathematics at the University of California, Berkeley before voluntarily lowering his carbon footprint. "Ted walked the green walk," said president-elect Obama, shortly after phoning Dr. Kaczynski at his home in the Florence, Colorado Maximum Security Facility. "For years he lived in an unheated cabin without running water, making things with his hands. I'd like to see more Americans emulate that kind of sustainable use." Serving life in prison for aggressive vandalism, Dr. Kaczynski will run the EPA via type-written manifestos published in the New York Times and the Washington Post.