'Game Change': Angry Biden Voted for McCain

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Like the underside of a B-52, bombs keep falling from leaked excerpts of Game Change, including the news that in November 2008, Joe Biden voted for John McCain as president of the United States. Angered at the Obama team for sealing him inside a 55-galleon drum during conference calls, former Senator Biden, according to the book, pulled the lever for opponent John McCain in a fit of resentment and confusion. Drawing on anonymous sources, authors John Heilemann and Mark Halperin catalog the abuses Biden endured as vice-presidential candidate including having his hotel bed short-sheeted, constantly sent on photo ops with bee keepers, and forced to watch Harvey Weinstein beat an intern senseless with a bowling pin in return for a duffle bag of Hollywood cash. Furious when Team Obama chose his double for the vice-presidential debates, a frustrated Biden told one source, 'I can handle things. I'm smart, not dumb, like everybody says, I'm smart.' Game Change is due out January 11. Vice-President Joe Biden refused comment. Said Biden, "There's nothing to say. My double's actions speak for themselves." (Photo: flapsblog.com)

Gitmo Terrorists Object to Illinois Move

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - Terrorist detainees at Guantanamo Bay have objected to Justice Department plans to relocate them to Thomson, Illinois. "They are too corrupt in Illinois," said Bakir Ali, captured in Afghanistan. "We would not feel safe in such a dirty political environment." Other terrorists compare the balmy Cuban weather to Illinois' severe winters. Ali agreed, "How are you supposed to go outside and exercise in cold and snow? Besides, we would need winter outfits, something that matches basic orange." While Ali disparaged the Cubs and their century of baseball futility, he expressed interest in seeing a game. "Perhaps there will be day trips to the ball game? That would be a splendid opportunity to witness a major league contest, enjoy a soft drink, and kill infidels when we go to the washroom." (Photo: blogs.villagevoice.com)

Democrats Use Cloaking Device to Hide Debt Ceiling

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fearing voter backlash over raising the debt ceiling to 1.8 trillion dollars, Democrats have purchased a Romulan cloaking device to hide the numbers. "It [national debt] will still be there," said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, "but the cloaking device renders it invisible to large portions of the electromagnetic spectrum." "Out of sight, out of mind," added Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad. "By issuing a series of can-do promises to get a handle on spending, but bending light around the actual size of the deficit, we'll be able to raise the limit perpetually while chairing meetings on fiscal restraint." By practicing stealth economics, the Democrats hope to dodge 2010 voter outrage at the historic debt levels accumulated "The Mk 2 cloaking device cost far more than we'd thought," said Hoyer. "Plus the Romulans squeezed us on parts and labor, but it should get us through next year's elections. Unless the Republicans bombard the debt ceiling with high energy Gamma rays. Then we'll have to jump to the Mk 3 cloaking device with gravity distortion. Not cheap, I'll tell you that." (Photo: memory-alpha.org)

Terrorists Vow Not to Read TSA Manual

TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN - Al Qaeda has vowed not to read a security procedures manual accidentally posted online by the Transportation Security Administration. The standard operating procedures document lists details of airport security, including the smallest wires not detected by screening machines, what items are never checked, and short-cuts the TSA takes when there are large crowds. "This could happen to anyone," said terrorist spokesperson Abdul-Ghani Naser. "Computers are so darn tricky. I have to ask my kid everything. My son, that is. My daughter I blinded with acid for reading Nancy Drew." TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett expressed appreciation to Al Qaeda. "A bunch of real gentlemen. Let's face it, anyone could do a half-assed job redacting sensitive information before releasing it on the Web." Whiskett blamed the problem on a lack of TSA unionization. "Everyone knows how much smoother and efficient work goes when performed by union employees who can never be fired. Imagine if the United Auto Workers ran airport security, for Pete's sake. Once we get that, TSA will run like water flowing crisply downhill to a nice mill." (Photo: beloblog.com)

Unemployment Drops After Jobless Renamed 'Leisure Americans'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At his upcoming Jobs Summit, President Obama will announce a major fall in unemployment from 10.2 to 1 percent, brought about by renaming the jobless 'Leisure Americans.' "This is a huge step forward in solving the unemployment crisis," said White House spokesperson Miller Allen. "By shaping language to make it appear people have voluntarily left work so as to devote more time to personal activities, the President has met the challenge head-on." Miller also boasted that the homeless problem has been eradicated following an executive order by the president abolishing urban outdoor sleeping. "Boom. Gone. I wonder why no one thought of this before?" In related news, the State Department has renamed 10 new Iranian enrichment plants as 'tanning salons.' (Photo: money.aol.com)

White House Turkey Leaves Behind Family, Dreams

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At an undisclosed facility, the turkey chosen for dinner by President Obama spent its last hours with family and friends. At midnight Eastern Time, the turkey had all its feathers pulled off before being led down a long hall to a room where it was strapped to a gurney. With barnyard sounds being piped in, an IV line was inserted into a wing. As witnesses looked on, the turkey received an injection of a powerful barbiturate before a Secret Service Agent with an ax chopped of its head, leaving the turkey flopping lifelessly on the gurney. A doctor pronounced the turkey dead, before consigning it to portly men in tall white chef hats. According to farmers familiar with the bird, it seemed destined for fowl greatness, with a mindless attitude and a wattle second to none. Whatever dreams it once had are now as still as its big-wattled head. Later today, the carcass will be cooked, prepared and served as Thanksgiving dinner to the First Family. Dine well, Mr. President. And when you reach the wishbone, don't wish for the passage of government-run healthcare. WISH FOR A HEART!! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. (Photo: improbable.com)

Leonid Meteor Shower Brings Blindness, Carnivorous Plants

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA announced that anyone watching last night's Leonid meteor show could find themselves blind and at the mercy of man-eating plants growing from alien seeds shed by the 55/P Tempel-Tuttle comet. NASA spokesperson Jackson Perry said, "There's some element in the [Leonid] meteors that burns out the human optic nerve. We're not sure what, only that the effects are permanent. As for the alien seeds, they quickly grow to plants around 11 or 12 feet tall that can shuffle along the ground, and eat anything they catch. Unfortunately, blind people are easy prey and so they eat a lot of them." Perry stated all NASA personal were warned in advance and took adequate precautions to avoid looking at the night sky. "We're fine," said Perry. "We only wish we'd had time to warn the general public. But something came up and we didn't. Our bad." Perry advised any citizens blinded to cling to a sighted person and compel them to serve you either via threats or guilt. "Otherwise, you're plant food." (Photo: irvinehousingblog.com)

NEA Funds 'Document Show'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Chairman Rocco Landesman announced the National Endowment for the Arts would underwrite The Document Show. Set to air this winter on PBS, the new, hour-long weekly program would feature government documents flipping across the screen, underscored by rap music. "We're not your father's NEA," quipped Landesman. "Our first program showcased the 1974 Waterways and Fisheries Act, set to the music of Scarface and the Geto Boys." When asked about the entertainment or educational value of obscure documents zipping past, Landesman shrugged. "The government is alot like Brewster's Millions: spend it fast or have funding cut in the future. I didn't think it possible, but I'm running out of stuff to spend it on. Maybe it's just the pressure." Landesman mentioned several additional NEA projects including an animated series based on the popular children's book, Peter the Nearsighted Cyclops, and a six-hour environmental special describing a world in which the earth's most energetic global warming activists vanished. "Can you imagine no one talking about sustainability and carbon footprints? How scary is that?" (Photo: cdphe.state.co.us)

Wall's Fall Depresses Van Jones

OAKLAND, CA - Inside Woody's Ale House, the television showed German crowds celebrating the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall while Van Jones sobbed quietly at the bar. "That wall kept socialism pure," he sniffled. "Once it fell, goodness fell too." The former communist Green Jobs Czar bemoaned the collapse of the Soviet Union and its satellite East Germany. "Mankind drifts aimlessly now, without the hope of a better tomorrow. And what do we do? We watch as a good man named Mumia Abu-Jamal is framed for cop-killing, deprived of everything except an NPR radio career and the love of Ed Asner. And, of course, we watch George Bush destroy the Twin Towers so concrete dust would blow into New Jersey and Dick Cheney could sell them Haliburton air filters." Jones downed another Alabama Slammer, cursed the bartender for skimping on the amaretto, ordered another, then bellowed, "I wish I were dog poop in Cuba!" When his drink arrived, he chugged it, then staggered out the door, bound for Berkeley. There would be no Cuba tonight for a sad Van Jones. But with Telegraph Avenue nearby, he had something very close: dirty, hopeless people living in poverty in a one-party town. That was the dream Jones had for Mankind - excluding the revolutionary vanguard and their girlfriends. That was the dream that once lived, so long ago, in far-off place called Berlin. (Photos: idiots4obama.blogspot.com&swamppolitics.com)

Stimulus Funds Jihad, Counts as 'Jobs Created'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice-President Joe Biden announced the Stimulus Package will fund domestic jihad operations conducted by Islamic terrorists, counting them as 'jobs created.' Biden explained, "Suppose you loath the Great Satan America, but can't afford guns, ammunition, or C4 to kill infidels and martyr yourself. By using stimulus money to purchase such items, you've got a seat on the Jihad Express. I'd call that a 'job created.'" In addition, the vice president noted that additional jobs are created or saved among gun shop retail clerks, police and emergency medical personal, funeral directors, CAIR spokesmen and media anchors who use the word 'backlash.'" Biden was dismissive of critics who felt underwriting terrorists was 'bad policy.' "That hateful attitude could insult the Saudis who lend us the money in the first place. Besides, this is government. How do you not spend billions?" (Photo: proudatheists.wordpress.com)

Obama Blames Bush for Democrat Losses

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Annoyed over GOP victories in Virginia and New Jersey, President Obama blamed his party's defeats on former President George W. Bush. "Somehow Bush made mean things happen, like he usually does," said the President. "Make no mistake: he runs around and fills the air with bad juice." Asked about New Jersey where the president campaigned hard for Governor Jon Corzine, Obama responded, "Bush told us Corzine had a substantial lead. Clearly, he lied again. And we fell for it." When questioned about the Virginia governor's race, Obama laughed, "Isn't it clear? Bush filled the air with bad juice and a Democrat lost. Anyone who says different is not telling the truth." In addition, President Obama blamed Bush for the Thirty Year's War, the eruption of Krakatoa, and the last two seasons of The Sopranos. (Photo: hydarblog.wordpress.com)

H1N1 Vaccine Available in Vending Machines

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Concerned about paying for universal healthcare and determined to make swine flue vaccine available to all, Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius discovered a compromise: place the vaccine in vending machines. "H1N1 swine flue vaccine will be loaded into refrigerated vending machines located in subways, airports, and bus stations," said Sebelius. "It's like buying a Coke. Put in ninety-four cents, press a button and obtain a disposable syringe. Inject yourself and have a wonderful day." Sebelius stated cash from the machines will be used to buy office equipment for new government agencies that will sprout up in the wake of affordable healthcare for all. "It's coming," said Sebelius. "Not for me or anyone who works for Uncle Sam, or for rich people, or unions, but it's coming for you." H1N1 vaccine vending machines will also carry Dots, red licorice vines, Mountain Dew, condoms, and stamps. Sebelius begged the public to "please not tip the machines if your syringe doesn't deploy. It's a safety hazard." (Photo: teeeph.net)

Zombies Face Brain Tax

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hidden within Speaker Pelosi's healthcare bill is a new tax on eating brains that has infuriated the undead community. "This is rank discrimination," stated attorney Charles Beamon, undead spokesperson. "My clients are deceased, voiceless except for grunts, low moans and snarls. This makes them easy targets for punitive taxation." In addition, Beamon stated the healthcare bill ignored zombie dietary needs. "They only eat one thing. Serve 'em brains and a salad and they'll eat the brains. Sure, the bill mentions 'brain co-ops,' and 'private cranial options,' but there is serious doubt the government can deliver. If zombies could talk they'd probably have a saying like: 'all shuffle and no bite.' That's what we think of this plan." Beamon added that the undead plan a march on Washington within the month, where they hope to meet Speaker Pelosi and eat her brains. "If they can find any," joked Beamon. "Just kidding. Hope that's not a hate crime." (Photo: hotwallpaper.co.cc)

Jar of Beans Will Determine Afghan Strategy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Stung by European complaints of dithering on Afghanistan, President Obama announced his strategic decision will be based on what color bean he pulls from a large jar. "We're using an empty mayonnaise jar filled with beans in four colors," said White House Communications Director Anita Dunn. "Red means send more troops and win, white means leave at once, green means stay but recycle, and gray means stay, look busy, but don't really do anything." The bean jar was suggested by the Vice President, who jokingly referred to it as the 'Biden Doctrine.' Dunn stated the President will be blindfolded, then select a bean sometime in early November. "The President is confident he'll make the right decision. If not, it'll be the fault of Bush." (Photo: brewpublic.com)

Airline Denies Off-Course Pilots Played Warcraft

EAGAN, MN - Northwest Airlines has denied two off-course pilots were playing the popular World of Warcraft computer game on their laptops. "Just another crazy Internet rumor," said Northwest spokesperson Gary De Sale. "Forget about it." However information leaked from a National Transportation Safety Board hearing the pilots attended indicated otherwise. According to an unnamed source, "The first officer was an Alliance Night Elf named Treequick, and the captain was a Horde Troll named Slobbercrush. They hated each other. They would carry maces and battle axes on the flight deck. I mean, the NTSB even had an email from Slobbercrush to management asking to be paid in Warcraft cyber gold. Trippy." De Sale refused comment on the allegations. "We'll stand by the NTSB report. Unless it says anything about World of Warcraft. Then it's untrue." (Photo: criticalgamers.com)

NASA Crash Vehicle Filled with Turtles

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - A two-ton rocket stage that crashed into a moon crater contained forty-two turtles, placed there by scientists. "We don't know why or for what purpose," said NASA spokesperson, Adrian Brumar. "The scientists stated it had something to do with finding water on the moon." Instruments from a second vehicle crashing nearby indicated no sign of the turtles. "We're guessing they didn't survive," said Brumar, who believes scientists often use technical jargon to justify doing odd things. "The scientists want to try it again with frogs, but we're asking them to write out 'why.' I don't think they have a mature answer. But I'm just a spokesperson." (Photo: humbabe.arc.nasa.gov)

Michelle Fills White House with Bicep Paintings

WASHINGTON, D.C. - First Lady Michelle Obama has decorated every room in the White House with paintings of muscular, upper arms. "She knows what she likes," said art critic Giles Muskeen. "And so far, she really likes arms from the elbow up." Preferring unknown artists, the First Lady has purchased an entire collection by Cyril Penumbra, mid-century bicep painter, specializing in naval tattoos. Said Muskeen, "One entire wall of the East Wing is covered in a Penumbra oil depicting a hairy, muscular bicep with a color tattoo of the U.S.S. Houston, sinking by the bow in the Java Sea, all guns blazing. Very patriotic and it certainly fills the space." In addition, there are conceptual biceps by limb artist Flasko. "Can't tell what they are,"noted Muskeen. "But Flasko said they're upper limbs." In addition, the First Lady has commissioned thirty-one, different artists to render her own shapely, well-toned biceps in oil and chalk. "These will go out as gifts to heads-of-state and various post offices," said Muskeen. "Everyone loves a bicep painting. And anyone who doesn't is racist." (Photo: bluedevils.org)

Obama Appears on Venice Beach with Megaphone

VENICE BEACH, CA - Yelling through a megaphone, a shirtless President Obama harangued a large crowd, arguing for his health care plan and growing hoarse as he competed with a loud boom box and a chain-saw juggler. Despite general admiration for his pecs, the President lost a major portion of the crowd when a man roller-skated past with a parrot that squawked out curse words. The appearance was part of the President's health care offensive, with a second speech scheduled for later at an Orange Julius in Woodland Hills. "I'm very positive my message is being heard," whispered the President. "Plus I made three dollars and forty-nine cents in tips." (Photo: myoops.org)

Jones Leaves Behind Earth City

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Green Jobs Czar Van Jones has announced his resignation in order to devote more time to communism and 9/11 Truther work, leaving numerous green projects unfinished. Mila Paganette, a Green Jobs spokesperson, expressed a sense of loss. "Van wanted to dig a barge canal from Seattle to Utah using green technology such as wooden axes and shovels. That would've employed many people for a long, long time." In addition, there was the Deep Holes Project, in which Jones foresaw using tea party mobs to dig a series of deep holes in the Alaskan permafrost using green technology such as pots and pans. But Jones' crowning achievement was-to-have-been New Earth City - a vast metropolis constructed in southern Arizona and modeled after Karnak in Luxor. Colossal temples dedicated to the environment, activism, and community organizing were envisioned, surrounded by immense statues of Barack Obama, Robert Gibbs, and George Clooney. Only the greenest of technology would've been used in construction," sighed Paganette. "including sticks, mud, and air, filled with happy worker songs." Paganette believes New Earth City will still happen. "Van will build it as soon as he overthrows capitalism, frees Mumia and exposes the 9/11 plot. Until then, we'll just have to wait along with the rest of the country." (Photo: squidoo.com)

Van Jones Edges LaRouche in Nut Trifecta

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Green Jobs Czar Van Jones has edged perennial favorite Lyndon LaRouche in the 2009 Nut Trifecta. Sponsored by Nuts for Change, the yearly event crowns as winner the person holding three or more really crazy views for one year. Jones broke from the pack this week with the revelations that he was:
1. a communist
2. 9/11 Truther
3. a fee Mumia guy.
"Jones is surging," said Nut spokesperson Caliph Sydney. "But I think he'll fade. Lyndon is so grounded in nutism. He believes Newton's theory of gravity is a fraud and that Islam was invented by the Portuguese government. That's the low hanging fruit. And there's lots more where that came from." (Photo: newlivingexpo.com)