Thursday, October 29, 2009

Vegan Council Okays Bacon Bits

MARIN, CA - In a controversial move, the governing council of Vegans United Against Meat (VUAM) has stated bacon bits don't really constitute animal flesh, and are approved for salads. "Bacon bits are small, hard, crunchy things," said council member Aaron Pelton. "We believe they're a totally manufactured product. Meat, on the other hand, is moist, tender and succulent - that is, as far as I recall." Opponents of the decision are furious. According to member Naomi Tidalpool, "This [council ruling] has seriously compromised VUAM's ability to lecture the public on their primitive savagery." Pelton, however, remained adamant. "Our decision stands. If the zealots don't like it, let them form their own group." Pelton stated VUAM would now examine the practice of selling dispensations for Thanksgiving. He explained: "New vegans often have a tough time transitioning around the holidays. A dispensation would allow them to ease into veganism while enjoying a Butterball turkey, basted in butter, with steam rising from white meat as you slice through brown, crackly skin...or so I recall." (Photo:

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