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Sunday, November 30, 2008
Space Shuttle Stops for Snacks and Lotto Tickets
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Labels:
Science
Friday, November 28, 2008
New "Nutcracker" Features Convict Cast
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Labels:
Regular News
Ford Unveils Eco-Friendly Junk Car
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Labels:
Business,
Regular News
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Rosie Live Replaces Waterboarding
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GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - CIA interrogators have dropped waterboarding in favor of showing terrorist suspects a DVD of the Rosie O'Donnell show. Rosie Live aired on NBC to scathing reviews, but this prime time program has already yielded intelligence dividends. "I couldn't talk fast enough," said Algerian IED expert Lakhdar Belkacem. "I gave up everybody." Captured in Afghanistan, Belkacem stood up to isolation, sleep deprivation and waterboarding, but cracked during Rosie's banter with Spamalot star Clay Aiken. "So cloying and trite," said Belkacem. "And her singing was like a goat trapped in the rocks." NBC considered cancelling O'Donnell, but sources hint the National Security Agency may underwrite an additional 12 episodes.
Labels:
Islamic Terror
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Astronauts Enjoy Thanksgiving Urine
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Labels:
Science
New Poll: Holiday Traffic Stinks
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Labels:
Regular News
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Castro, Chavez to Tour
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Labels:
Foreign Affairs,
Hollywood
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Whale Cult Beaches in Bizarre Mass Suicide
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Labels:
Regular News
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Face of Obama Appears in Key Lime Pie
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"I showed the waitress, but she thought I'd drawn on the pie to try and get a free slice. That made me think: 'Should I redistribute the pie to everyone here, including the staff?'" Selak's attempts to share the dessert were rebuffed by other customers and he was asked to sit down. "So I took a photo with my cell phone and ate the pie, except for the part with Barack Obama's head. I left that on the plate both as a sign and a tip."
Friday, November 21, 2008
Webcam Captures Nothing
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BUFFALO, NY - A webcam located in a city park has captured zero scenes of sex, violence, teenage stupidity or animal defecation. Authorities are meeting to consider options.
Labels:
Regular News
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Aztec Missionaries Preach Sacrifice
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"Good morning, Ma'am," said Barry, "have you accepted Quetzalcoatl as your personal savior?"
Dean added, "He is creator god, the feathered serpent. Quetzalcoatl has given us everything. Won't you give him your heart?"
Hands tightening around obsidian daggers, the young men awaited an answer. But the woman seemed puzzled, "Are you with the circus?"
Feathers swaying in a light breeze, Barry and Dean masked disappointment with long-suffering smiles. Dean said, "No Ma'am, we're Aztecs. Real Aztecs."
"Not San Diego State Aztecs," added Barry. "Though we converted through a campus outreach program."
Dean continued, "All of us owe a debt to Quetzalcoatl for life and the sun. Won't you give back by giving your heart?"
With a sharp smack, the door shut in their faces. Barry and Dean walked to the curb and sat down. Dean removed his sandals, massaging sore feet. Barry sipped from a flask of corn water. They were tired, but not discouraged.
"I guess all we want is to worship in our own way," said Barry. "Plus show others what it means to truly offer yourself to something great."
"We get a lot of bigotry and intolerance," added Dean.
Barry gazed into the distance, toward Sea World across the bay. He almost seemed to be searching for acceptance and understanding in a society that offered none. With a sigh, he said, "There's a price to be paid when your faith differs from that of the many."
Dean laughed, "Wearing these sandals should be sacrifice enough."
Barry gently corrected his friend, "There's only one sacrifice that matters, Dean. And that's a willing heart."
"Bro, I know. Lighten up."
Rising to their feet, they crossed to another house, stepping over a bicycle laying across the front walk. An elderly Asian man in a green cardigan sweater answered, standing behind a screen door.
"Good morning, sir, "said Barry. "Have you accepted Quetzalcoatl as your personal savior?"
"He is the feathered serpent. Maize and cotton and all good things come from him," said Dean. "Won't you give your heart in return?"
Staring from Barry to Dean, the old man gazed at their earnest young faces, filled with sincere concern. "I don't know," he said slowly, in halting English.
"We'll help you," said Barry quietly. "That's why we're here."
"Just say 'yes,'"urged Dean.
"'Yes,'" said Barry.
Dean's hand softly gripped the screen door handle. "'Yes,'" he whispered.
Confused, the old man's head bobbed, "Yes. But I don't understand."
Dean yanked the door open as Barry leaped forward, shoving the old man back into the house. Drawing his dagger, obsidian blade gleaming, Dean dashed inside. From the front yard, one could hear furniture crashing, the tinkle of broken glass, a muffled yell of "9-11," followed by a terrible heart-wrenching scream that seemed to linger for a month.
A moment later, Barry and Dean staggered back outside, panting heavily. Dean had lost his headdress. Barry's arms seemed painted red. Together, they raised a still-beating human heart up to the brilliant sun.
"For your light and warmth," cried Barry.
"We love you, Quetzalcoatl," sobbed Dean.
So at last, on a quiet street, two young men found just enough willingness for them to pray in their own way.
Labels:
Religion
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Post Office Dedicates Joy Behar Stamp
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Labels:
Regular News
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Beekeeper Cops Keep Watch
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"Could be a 10-104 Alpha," said junior partner Tobin.
"Don't call it in just yet," replied Jarvis. A moment later, his street-savvy hunch played out: the woman was merely dancing, not covered in bees.
"Most nights we don't even get a false alarm," said Jarvis, voice muffled by the heavy bee veil that covered his head like a floppy fencing mask.
"A lot of dead time," agreed Tobin, hands encased in thick goat-skin gloves, resting on the steering wheel, "But we're ready."
Jarvis shifted on the front seat of the squad car that he and Tobin called “Bee Ware.” "Suppose that lady wasn’t dancing,” began Jarvis. “Suppose, instead, she was covered in bees. Then suppose she was robbing that bar and got caught. How's a regular cop gonna handcuff a suspect covered in bees?"
"They can’t," broke in Tobin. "That's where we come in."
Since its formation in 2006, Houston’s bee squad has had only one incident. Tobin recalled, “A suspect had a couple of crickets in his pocket. I’m not sure why. But detectives called us anyway just to be safe.”
“We put the crickets in an envelope,” continued Jarvis. “Then we took the envelope outside and jumped on it.”
“Just to be safe,” added Tobin.
Hours passed. The car radio crackled with reports of auto theft and burglaries and arrests.
But none of them involving bees.
At least not tonight.
Labels:
Crime
From The Wire
- Pirates of the Caribbean IV to Feature Saudi Supertanker.
- Florida Woman's Email Scam Dupes Nigerian
- TARP Bailouts to Include Free Toasters
Labels:
Wire
Monday, November 17, 2008
Loser Jihadi Beheads Himself
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After viewing the tape, UCLA psychologist Gibson Howard remarked, "I believe Zahed had trouble expressing anger in a healthy way." Intercepted communications supported Howard's theory. Taliban leaders were overheard complaining that Zahed arrived late to attacks, sulked at orders, and never picked up the check at after work events.
What sort of paradise might await such a sullen jihadi? Gibson guessed that, " Zahed will probably blame all 70 virgins for his death, shun their affection, then further alienate them with promises that he'll "forget" making. In other words, he'll be quite happy. "
Labels:
Islamic Terror
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Obama to Skateboad, Sing Badly on YouTube
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A rap video of Obama singing policy proposals over quirky camera moves, digital effects, and hot chicks.
Obama constructing a banjo using a container of anti-freeze.
Policy advisers and Obama skateboarding down the ramp of a five-story parking structure, ending with Obama hitting his groin on the bumper of a Ford Explorer while the advisers laugh.
In the meantime, a three-minute pilot video showing future White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel cursing and driving a steak knife into a coffee table already has over 234,000 views.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Airlines Move to Phase Out Passengers
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"Think of it as a natural progression," said Continental spokesman Jarrod Hayes. "Reduce service, seat size, food, charge more for luggage, lose the luggage, and arrive and depart when we're good and ready. Soon there won't be any reason to fly, but we're hoping customers keep buying tickets through force of habit."
Flynn was optimistic. "Without people, we should be zipping across country in no time. Of course, passenger ticket sales will continue. But instead of flying, customers will receive chits signifying a symbolic journey. And the cool part is that these chits count toward frequent flier mileage."
Labels:
Business
Friday, November 14, 2008
World of Warcraft Hit Hard by Economic Downturn
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And at Icecrown Citadel, once the objective of a massive invasion, empty Pabst bottles and cigarette butts littered the floor around the Frozen Throne. The rune blade Frostmourne was now used to open cans of chili. And the most powerful entity in all Warcraft picked up a canvas sack full of fliers and shuffled off to work.
"Go where the money is," chuckled the Lich King ruefully. Passing through Angrathar the Wrath Gate, he stepped over used condoms and 9mm shells, plodding southwest toward the fortress of Warsong Hold. "Warsong is the only game left in Northrend," sighed the Lich King, shifting the strap of his canvas sack. The fliers he would pass out were for a goblin real estate firm, specializing in short sales. "Old Hellscream knew how to build a fortress but the goblins had all the brains. They buried their money in the ground and put rocks over it. It used to crack me up. Now I wish I'd done the same."
Crossing the bleak Borean Tundra, the Lich King pondered the recent past. "It all started when they handed out mortgages to the Scourge. I remember saying, 'WTF, they're undead. They don't care if they live in an outhouse over in Naxxramas.' Anywho, when the sub-prime bubble burst, I got burned in a margin call. Next thing you know, the bottom's fallen out of the war and conquest market. I'm lucky I paid down my Citadel. Otherwise, I'd be renting a shack from some lard-ass tuskrr."
Warsong loomed in the distance, drying laundry fluttering from the battlements like ancient flags. The Lich King shook his head. "All you can do is hang on and hope for another war, undead trolls, a plague." He smiled fondly. "You know, the good old days."
Labels:
Recession
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Helen Thomas Cast as Evil Witch
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Labels:
Hollywood
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Prop 8 Protest Foiled by Osmond Music
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Labels:
Politics
Monday, November 10, 2008
Japan Apologizes For Being Weird
TOKYO – At a televised press conference today, a Japanese government spokesmen apologized to the world for Japan being “so whacked.” “Think about it,” said Tatsuya Takaichi, “we have underwear in vending machines. I could stop there. But we sell nose stretchers and zoos hold escaped rhino drills. I haven’t even touched game shows like Human Tetris and Silent Library.” Takaichi paused to remove his clothes and change into a Sailor Moon outfit. “It finally dawned on all of us: this country is stinking odd. Aren't I a pretty girl?”
Labels:
Foreign Affairs
Mafia Adopts Baseline Budgeting
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LAS VEGAS – Amid the glitter and flash of Sin City, mob accountants meeting at the Desert Inn announced a new system of tracking illegal gain. According to spokesman Sam “Four Thumbs” Landaccio, the mob will no longer use zero-based budgeting common to most private sector enterprises. Instead, Organization number crunchers have switched over to baseline budgeting. Long used by the federal government to factor in tax increases and spending growth, Landaccio admits that prejudice blinded him for many years.
“I don’t like the feds so much. But this baseline stuff, babam! Pretty neat.”
Landaccio offered this example. “Suppose you ship 40 cartons of untaxed cigarettes every year from Mexico to Los Angeles. One year you ship 50. Cops grab 5 cartons. You deliver 45. In reality, you’ve delivered 5 more cartons. But baseline says deliveries have been “cut” by 5 .”
While Landaccio couldn’t articulate exactly how this would help a criminal operation, he freely admitted that the switch was more psychological.
“It’s a whole system designed to scramble up numbers so anyone looking in can't know squat. What’s not to like? You need a carton of smokes?”
Labels:
Business
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Whores Demand Federal Bailout
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Sanchez' concern is being echoed on street corners and in vehicles all across America as the economy tightens and consumers shelve such extras as dining out, movies, and street prostitution. While figures are inexact, illegal sex, also known as "al fresco amor," is said to be hard hit. Insiders believe the corner whore may soon go the way of the corner grocery store unless the government steps in.
"Cars are getting free money, why not us whores?" complained Kansas City prostitute "Anjelica." While still under discussion, an automotive industry bail out seems likely following federal rescues of insurance giant AIG and the banking industry. All "Anjelica" and others like her wonder is when do sex workers see their share?
"Racism, sexism and homophobia play a large part in the government's non-response," says attorney-activist Lisa Goggins-Root. Representing sex workers in Las Vegas, Googins-Root believes the new administration will take a more pro-active stance. "President Obama won't let the industry collapse. You're talking about a ripple effect, impacting drug and condom sales, rip-offs, and clinics treating sexually-transmitted diseases. We've got to prevent street sex from going down."
Labels:
Recession
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Biden Aide Leaks Thoughtful Remark
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WASHINGTON D.C. - Best known for verbal fumbles, gaffes, and crazy talk, Democratic vice president elect Joe Biden often uttered quiet, self-aware statements. An anonymous aide to the senator recalled Biden saying, "My helicopter was never forced down in Afghanistan by terrorist gunfire. I guess I wanted to appear braver and more experienced than I am. Kinda silly of me, huh?" Terri Ambrose, spokesman for Senator Biden, denied the charges. "What you see is what you get. This lie is an attempt to smear Joe's colorful personality. Senator Biden is proud of having been a coal miner, asking a man in a wheelchair to stand up, and referencing FDR's famous televised speech following the 1929 stock market crash. Whoever said this is a jerk."
Labels:
Politics
Friday, November 7, 2008
Stock Market Behaves Like Federal Worker
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WALL STREET - In a disturbing trend, the stock market has begun to call in sick, take long lunches, and behave in a surly manner previously unseen on Wall Street. "This is really creepy," said Dan Stover, senior analyst at Miller Tabak & Co. "Take Monday: bell rings at 9:00 and the market doesn't show up until 9:14, muttering something about car trouble. No one believed it. Then it went out for lunch at noon and didn't come back until 2:20. You could smell the beer a mile away. God help you if you ask what's wrong. The market'll drag its feet and go on a slow down that kills any trading momentum."
Experts speculate that large inflows of federal money into the private sector may have triggered the behaviour. "It's like spilling motor oil in a punch bowl," said specialist Lou Escalante. "It can't help but leave a taste."
Dan Stover, however, is worried about a proposed $25 billion bailout of the auto industry. "Who knows what more taxpayer dollars will do?" As if to underscore Stover's point, Bank of America has announced plans to spend the month of January 2009 on the beach in Baja as it must use up a backlog of vacation days.
Labels:
Business
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