Strange Old Men Hurt by Recession

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man dressed like this.
h/t: Retriever

McDonald's Offers Greek Islands with Happy Meal

OAK BROOK, IL - Taking advantage of financial turmoil in Greece, McDonald's has announced that, for a limited time only, they will be giving away a Greek island with every Happy Meal purchased. Corporate officials announced that customers throughout the United States could find themselves owners of one or more of over 2,000 Greek islands and islets, including volcanic mountaintops. Mrs. Sharon Hutlichen of Dover, Delaware opened her daughter's Happy Meal and found, along with nuggets, fries and a cheap plastic toy, the deed to the island of Milos, a part of the Cyclades in the Aegean Sea. "At first, we were excited," said Mrs. Hutlichen. "But then, my husband wanted to know if we'd be responsible for the island's water, power, and gas. That's how he thinks. I thought it would be a nice place to vacation, but then I heard you can't drive to Milos, so now I don't know." Other island-owners were more practical. Bill Ficoli of Wedge, Massachusetts now possesses Kasos in the Dodecanese chain near Turkey. "I'm gonna be king of Kasos. People will have to bring me fruit and girls and silver hats or I'll kick 'em off the island, just like Survivor only no voting. And if I catch anyone getting weird with the goats, they're gone too."

Financial Analysts Unable to Employ Jargon

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a crisis within a crisis, many of the nation's money analysts no longer understand what they're saying when they use financial jargon. "Basis points, ascending tops, EOM dating all sound like Finnish to me," said former Bloomberg analyst Tito Dryer. "You get tired of saying this stuff over and over, then one day you lose your jargon completely." Psychiatrists claim jargon-loss is different from losing one's 'mojo.' "People who lose their jargon often remain confident," said Dr. Kleeve Meter, "but they no longer sound professional or interesting to other jargon-users or those outside the profession." Asked to describe the current economy, Dryer replied, "It stinks. It's really bad. Buy gold and bury it." Questioned as to why his view is correct when jargon-rich government officials and media have stated that economic recovery is underway, Dryer said, "Think of it all as word-xanax. Then buy gold and bury it."

Biden Rescued From Animal Cage

TAMPA, FL - While promoting the Stimulus Package at the Tampa Zoo, Vice-President Joe Biden climbed a fence, leaped a moat, and waded through chest-deep water to reach Monkey Island. "Hey, how are ya?" called the vice-president, attempting to shake hands with frightened gibbons and langur monkeys. Secret Service and zoo personal eventually coaxed Biden out of the enclosure with candy and the promise of a train ride. "He's very excited about the Stimulus Package anniversary," said one of the the vice-president's handlers. "Maybe he got a little stimulated. I don't know. This job's a lot harder than I thought. I may quit and become a White House tour guide."

Obama Budget Threatens Sasquatch Breeders

CHRISTMAS VALLEY, OR - Federal subsides to sasquatch breeders are on the cutting table in the 2011 budget, frightening small ranchers throughout the region. "They [sasquatch] aren't easy to find, let alone capture and breed," said breeder Jean Peter Torvol. "My family has been trying for over 39 years and we haven't even seen a footprint. If the government ends our 180,000 dollar-a-year subsidy I don't see how we'll ever locate a sasquatch, let alone two that we can marry up." The complaint is a familiar one in southern Oregon: end the subsidy and destroy any chance of ever capturing large, furtive, humanoid apes to mate. "Why doesn't the government go after big bankers and corporations?" said breeder Dee Elfhead. "My little old 167,000 dollars-a-year isn't going to amount to much in Washington, D.C. But it's a pre-fab house, a Chevy Tahoe, and four nights a week at an Indian casino for me and my family." Democratic congressman Onslow Keating has vowed to battle for the subsidies. "These people got nothing but their government checks and the same dream as their fathers and grandfathers: to one-day discover enough sasquatch to breed." Keating was unsure as to the ultimate purpose of mating giant, hairy humanoids. "You could put tags on 'em so that you know where the population is at all times, then hunt 'em from a helicopter with a grenade launcher. Heck, it beats me. No one's ever found one yet." Torvol was more direct. "The thing is, if you breed enough sasquatch the government will pay you extra to kill 'em off so you don't flood the market; big upside potential in the sasquatch-breeding business." (Image: News Blaze)

Saab Closure Hurts Bumper Sticker Industry

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN - GM's decision to shut Swedish subsidiary Saab will severely effect the progressive bumper sticker industry. Said Jesse Clunder-Torman of Forward Thinking Bumper Stickers, "Saabs were big favorites among college professors, government workers, mid-level Hollywood execs, the U.S. State Department and other professional activists. These were people who wouldn't back out of a drive-way without a fender full of liberal slogans. On average, a Saab displayed 3 to 4 more bumper stickers than a VW or Yugo." Clunder-Torman smiled, recalling the days when 'Tax Wealth, Not Work,' and 'Sorry We Can't Provide Universal Healthcare but Iraq Ate Our Budget' were mailed out by the gross. "There's still Volvos and the Prius, but Saabs were the Cadillac of activism. They said to everyone, 'I Care More Than You.' And they had the bumper stickers to back it up." Rumors have surfaced that GM is working on a domestic version of the former East German Trabant. "One can only dream," sighed Clunder-Torman. "And I dream of a better tomorrow that waits for me so we may dream as one. Hey, I think I'll make that into a bumper sticker." (Photo: cafepress.com)

Democrats Use Cloaking Device to Hide Debt Ceiling

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Fearing voter backlash over raising the debt ceiling to 1.8 trillion dollars, Democrats have purchased a Romulan cloaking device to hide the numbers. "It [national debt] will still be there," said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, "but the cloaking device renders it invisible to large portions of the electromagnetic spectrum." "Out of sight, out of mind," added Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad. "By issuing a series of can-do promises to get a handle on spending, but bending light around the actual size of the deficit, we'll be able to raise the limit perpetually while chairing meetings on fiscal restraint." By practicing stealth economics, the Democrats hope to dodge 2010 voter outrage at the historic debt levels accumulated "The Mk 2 cloaking device cost far more than we'd thought," said Hoyer. "Plus the Romulans squeezed us on parts and labor, but it should get us through next year's elections. Unless the Republicans bombard the debt ceiling with high energy Gamma rays. Then we'll have to jump to the Mk 3 cloaking device with gravity distortion. Not cheap, I'll tell you that." (Photo: memory-alpha.org)

Unemployment Drops After Jobless Renamed 'Leisure Americans'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At his upcoming Jobs Summit, President Obama will announce a major fall in unemployment from 10.2 to 1 percent, brought about by renaming the jobless 'Leisure Americans.' "This is a huge step forward in solving the unemployment crisis," said White House spokesperson Miller Allen. "By shaping language to make it appear people have voluntarily left work so as to devote more time to personal activities, the President has met the challenge head-on." Miller also boasted that the homeless problem has been eradicated following an executive order by the president abolishing urban outdoor sleeping. "Boom. Gone. I wonder why no one thought of this before?" In related news, the State Department has renamed 10 new Iranian enrichment plants as 'tanning salons.' (Photo: money.aol.com)

U.S. To Supply Workers for Chinese Railroads

BEIJING, CHINA - In talks with President Hu, Barack Obama has promised the Chinese government a steady supply of Americans to perform manual labor on the Chinese railroad system. Initial reports state the work force will be drawn from the unemployed and opponents of the President's healthcare initiative. While details have not been finalized, the Americans will be paid substandard wages, housed in shanties, worked like dogs, and, periodically, killed by drunken Chinese citizens. And while the workers will be supervised by Chinese, a portion of their meager pay goes directly to the Service Employees International Union who will help the Yanks fill out absentee ballots. "Instead of beating our chests, we listened thoughtfully with respect and the results are overseas jobs for Americans," said White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs. "Not only will the Chinese continue to underwrite our debt, but they're throwing in straw coolie hats free-of-charge. Now that's smart diplomacy." (Photo: lssu.edu)

Stimulus Funds Jihad, Counts as 'Jobs Created'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice-President Joe Biden announced the Stimulus Package will fund domestic jihad operations conducted by Islamic terrorists, counting them as 'jobs created.' Biden explained, "Suppose you loath the Great Satan America, but can't afford guns, ammunition, or C4 to kill infidels and martyr yourself. By using stimulus money to purchase such items, you've got a seat on the Jihad Express. I'd call that a 'job created.'" In addition, the vice president noted that additional jobs are created or saved among gun shop retail clerks, police and emergency medical personal, funeral directors, CAIR spokesmen and media anchors who use the word 'backlash.'" Biden was dismissive of critics who felt underwriting terrorists was 'bad policy.' "That hateful attitude could insult the Saudis who lend us the money in the first place. Besides, this is government. How do you not spend billions?" (Photo: proudatheists.wordpress.com)

Predatory Lenders Kill Livestock

CASPER, WY - Ranchers reported a pack of predatory lenders have pulled down and killed several head of cattle. "They [lenders] had suits on," said rancher Burrell Jefferson. "One put a contract over a cow's eyes with loan fees in excess of five percent. Then the others jumped on the cow and ate it down to the hoofs." With the housing slump continuing, predatory lenders have turned feral, roaming farms and ranches, carrying abusive prepayment penalties and preying on older, subprime cattle. "We're fighting back," said Cliff Willis, another rancher. "I've got bait boxes out with poisoned phone numbers of home owners interested in loan flipping. Then we've got steel traps baited with lists of borrowers who prefer mandatory arbitration." Willis hopes to cull predatory lenders before spring. "Otherwise, they'll get after the calves with teaser loans." None of the ranchers know how long their livestock will be at risk, but Willis aims to turn lemons into lemonade. "I just hope to bag enough lenders to make my wife a muff." (Photo: stltoday.com)

Fourth Quarter Carnival Stabbings Projected Downward

CASPER, WY - Economists report carnival stabbings will continue their 2009 downward trend, on course for the worst year since the Great Depression. "All the data points in the same direction," said Conrad Steckler, economics PhD from the University of Chicago. "Stabbings are off eight percent from last year and thirty-four percent from the third quarter of 2006. Numbers haven't been this low since knives were invented." Deke Butler, owner of the Rocky Mountain Carnival of Fun, sees it the same. "Crowds are the key. They love the excitement of a wild-eyed crazy man fleeing a stabbing with a bloody knife, bumping into people, spilling popcorn. But without crowds there's nowhere for a stabber to run to. Our carnies would catch him and force him to bite heads off cats, or give midgets free horsey back rides. Stabbers don't like that much so they hold back." Government spending has failed to stimulate sawdust mayhem, leaving owners like Butler to wonder: "You look at the news and even circus stabbings are in the tank. What hope does a small guy like me have? Get a crowd, get a stabbing. But broke people don't need the carnival. So you got a vicious Ferris Wheel going here." (Photo: sacrag.com)

Museum of Postal Rampage Gets Stimulus Bucks

TERRE HAUTE, IN - Local grump Larry Cousins received a welcome surprise in the form of a twenty-five thousand dollar stimulus grant, saving his job as senior docent at the Museum of Postal Rampage. The museum chronicles the bloody history of postal employee mayhem throughout the ages. As Cousins gave me a tour, we passed a senior group, staring at a diorama of the Great Pyramids. In the foreground, dummies depicted ancient Egyptian customers, attempting to mail papyrus scrolls, fleeing an enraged postal worker who stabbed wildly with a long spear.

In the galleries, clusters of school kids drifted between displays and artwork. A thick crowd formed around a video montage devoted to feminist pioneer Gale Pilsen. A Hartford, Connecticut window clerk, Pilsen smashed the gender barrier, becoming the first female postal worker to snap and go feral. In 1978, Pilsen shot seven customers and a supervisor before falling under a storm of bullets fired by police and co-workers.

Cousins stopped in the great hall of weapons. "Every weapon here was found at the scene of a post office rampage," he said morosely, sipping from a pint of Canadian Club. Cousins pointed to a pair of English crossbows. "Back in 1352, the Royal Collector of Post left Windsor Castle and walked into the courtyard on his break. He removed those two crossbows, hidden in the bottom of a cart. Reentering the castle, the Royal Collector shot the first person he saw, pinning a groom to the wall like a butterfly specimen. While reloading, the man was hacked to death by guards and children using swords and axes." Cousins huffed. "He probably wasn't appreciated. Nope, not one bit."

Next, Cousins pointed to a pair of flintlock pistols, a musket, and a tomahawk, taken from the body of Hansel Vonderhyde, the first American postal worker to flip out. Cousins explained: "In 1775, Ben Franklin hired Vonderhyde as a postal clerk in Bale, Pennsylvania. Two months later, a customer entered the post office with a poorly wrapped parcel. Vonderhyde went berserk and scalped him. He then charged into the street and wiped out half of Bale until the militia shot off his torso with a cannon."

Cousins knew them all - the Lugars and Uzis and AR-15s. But one question stumped him: "Why do they 'go postal?' Maybe it's the musty smell of mail that draws out the brute in a man." Cousins finished his pint and threw the whiskey bottle down, shattering glass across the floor. "Maybe they got tired of being passed over for promotion." Cousins removed a Thompson .45 caliber submachine gun from the wall. "Or else some sissy coward wrote them up for having a 'bad attitude.'" He released the bolt, sending a bumblebee-sized round into the chamber. "Maybe they got fed up with stupid questions."

With a roaring stutter, the Thompson spoke as Cousins opened fire on the senior group. But his burst was high, clipping off ball caps. By the time he lowered the muzzle, the seniors had scattered and gone to cover like quail. "Maybe someone is just having a day," yelled Cousins, smashing a window with the wooden butt. He fired a long burst, stitching a line of holes in the side of a passing UPS truck. "MAYBE SOMEONE IS JUST HAVING A REAL DAY AND A HALF!!"

Sirens whooped in the distance as I crawled out of the museum, grateful that the stimulus package continued to save jobs and change lives. (Photo: progressillinois.com & fairfieldmint.com)

California Slashes Department of Puppetry

SACRAMENTO, CA - As part of a deal to close the state's 26.3 billion dollar deficit, Governor Schwarzenegger and legislative leaders agreed to deep cuts in the state's Department of Puppetry. "Naturally, this will hurt children, the poor and members of the Puppetry Local," said Assembly Speaker democrat Karen Bass. Responsible for quality puppet shows at libraries, freeway on-ramps, and prisons, the department has issued orders downsizing marionettes and eliminating entirely the popular sock puppet division. "Losing sock puppets is like losing an old friend," said puppetry worker Adolph Tyne. "Not necessarily a friend who was old in years, but one whom you liked and saw on a regular, non-sexual basis. Maybe even a friend with button eyes, if there is such a thing. I'm so sad I want to sob like an old weepy crone." (Photo: www.buycostumes.com)

Feds Control Hasbro, Mandate Cement Checker Game

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After acquiring control of the Hasbro Corporation, the federal government ordered the toy giant to construct cement checker boards and pieces. "This new mandate states that a standard board will be the size of a pavement square," said Hasbro spokesperson Hughie Daniels. "In fact, it will be a pavement square, painted black and red, with cement checkers the size of plates." Daniels stated Hasbro's line of classic toys will also be affected in the coming months by new federal rules. "Because of government changes, some old games will be getting new names," said Daniels, mentioning the Not-So-Easy-Bake Oven with OSHA Compliance Manual, Scrabble with forty percent Arabic words, and Mr. Tuber Head, a pumpkin-sized, iron head with a non-removable iron hat. "I'm not sure on the marketing angle for the new toys," said Daniels. "We're trying out the slogan: 'If It's From the Government, You Know It's Big.' Maybe consumers will think there's value-added stuff here. I guess." (Photo: ourgreenwich.com)

Geithner Stand-Up Wows Chinese

BEIJING, PRC - Tim Geithner took his stand-up act on the road, thrilling a crowd at Peking University. "Let's hope Chinese don't pay their taxes like I do," quipped the Treasury Secretary. "You'll be so broke you'll have to sell the 'chop' in 'chop suey.'" In a set light on math, but heavy on laughs, Geithner fired off lines such as:

"Joe Biden is the Cadillac of vice-presidents: a clunky, expensive luxury that operates on gas."

"The only difference between the U.S. dollar and Monopoly money is that Parker Brothers stands behind Monopoly money. Thank you. Glad you're paying attention."

"The U.S. believes in a strong dollar. We also believe the Philadelphia Eagles will win a Super Bowl - SOMEDAY! What? No Eagle's fans? Hey, you, the guy laughing...can you run around the room and make it look like I'm going over?"

"Chinese assets invested in America are very safe. Just as safe as a Tibetan Monk at a Chinese baseball bat convention. Whoa! Hey, a little sense of humor here! Gotta run! Buy billions in bonds. We do. Later!" (Photo: yellowserv.ftphost.net)

California Plays Guitar Outside Congress

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The State of California has departed the west coast of the United States, relocating outside the Capitol Building where it is playing the guitar in hopes of picking up some money. According to a security guard, the State has played a Joan Baez medley that included "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down," as well as individual songs by Wilco and the Kingston Trio. Tourists have left an amount equal to fourteen dollars in California's immense guitar case. So far, members of Congress have moved quickly past the State without making eye contact. (Photo: uacoe.arizona.edu)   

Taxi Riders Subsidize Cabless Americans

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama announced a bill requiring all Americans to subsidize car service for those who can't afford it. Said the President, "A just society is measured by how many free taxi rides its least capable citizens receive." The "Hey, Cab!" Bill would require anyone approached by a "forgotten American" to hail a cab, or in certain rural areas, a town car, and prepay the fare. Added the President, "In some cases, an airport shuttle may be substituted for a cab. We're not inflexible." In order to weed out those taking advantage of the program, Obama suggested forgotten Americans be required to wear identifying garments. "Perhaps something that says, oh, SEIU or ACORN or UAW," mused the President. The bill could be presented to Congress as early as next week, piggybacked with the "Expensive Chinese Vase Act," which requires all Americans to purchase Ming Dynasty pottery for those least able to afford it. (Photo: www.yellowcabofsavannah.com)

Zoo Releases Tigers in Cost-Cutting Move

LOS ANGELES, CA - Faced with budget cuts, the LA Zoo has downsized their animal population, releasing two Bengal tigers into Griffith Park. "Unfortunately, tigers eat too much, especially the pregnant one," said zoo official Cesar Sonora. "Our cost analysis revealed we could lay-off the cats, then transfer resources to the monkey house, which badly needs new Plexiglas." When asked about the danger of freeing large predators into the country's busiest park, Sonora was sympathetic, "We realize our move could inconvenience the public, but transferring the animals would have been so costly as to be fiscally irresponsible." Sonora thought briefly, then smiled, "On the upside, this could really help solve the park's homeless problem." (Photo: www.www.blisstree.com)

TARP Dollars Bolster Bottled Urine Industry

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Proclaimed "too big to fail" by Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, the bottled urine industry will receive 41 billion dollars in TARP funds. Adrian Zimmer agrees with the decision. "It's all about jobs," said Zimmer, chief lobbyist for the Bottled Urine Industry of America. "People in this field have families." The number of employees working in urine shops and distributorships isn't known precisely, but Zimmer states "it's a lot." And while insiders claimed TARP money was pay-back for the BUIA's enthusiastic support of Barack Obama, Zimmer laughed: "Detractors always say the president's in the pocket of big urine. But that's not true to my knowledge." The BUIA hopes to use TARP dollars to restructure debt and hire a pr firm to improve their image. Zimmer explained: "When people see our product, they think 'piss.' We'd like them not to think that." (Photo: www.herbal-howto-guide.com)