Waxman Frightens Mugger to Death

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A teenage mugger who attempted robbing Henry Waxman died of fear when the congressman turned around on a dark street. "He [Waxman] looked like a hairless, alien brain-sucker," stated the mugger's companion, Jefferson Lane, age 22. Police responding to Waxman's 9-11 call, apprehended Lane, whose hair had turned pure white. Lane stated, "I thought, 'Man, we're jacking something from the X-Files.'" Waxman acknowledged his appearance in low light conditions had caused other deaths. "A couple of times I've zapped cleaning staff while working late on important issues." However, the veteran congressman and chairman of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce remained unshaken by the event. "Frankly, I find Nancy Pelosi's eating habits a lot scarier than my head."
(Photo: Drudge Report)