WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of Bill Richardson's withdrawal, the Obama administration has nominated a drunken sailor to serve as Secretary of Commerce. Arch Wheedon, age 49, has been thrown out of both the U.S. Navy and the Merchant Marines for chronic alcoholism. He is married to four women, fathered nine children, pays no alimony or child support, and spends every cent he gets on gin, cigarettes, and Slim Jims. "Total transparency," said future white house chief-of-staff Rahm Emmanuel. "What you see is what you get with Arch." Insiders believe Wheedon will be a better fit for the new administration's free-wheeling spending plan. "Arch couldn't hang onto a buck with two hands full of Super Glue," said Emmanuel. "That's the sort of fiscal leadership this country needs."