Monday, August 31, 2009

Fourth Quarter Carnival Stabbings Projected Downward

CASPER, WY - Economists report carnival stabbings will continue their 2009 downward trend, on course for the worst year since the Great Depression. "All the data points in the same direction," said Conrad Steckler, economics PhD from the University of Chicago. "Stabbings are off eight percent from last year and thirty-four percent from the third quarter of 2006. Numbers haven't been this low since knives were invented." Deke Butler, owner of the Rocky Mountain Carnival of Fun, sees it the same. "Crowds are the key. They love the excitement of a wild-eyed crazy man fleeing a stabbing with a bloody knife, bumping into people, spilling popcorn. But without crowds there's nowhere for a stabber to run to. Our carnies would catch him and force him to bite heads off cats, or give midgets free horsey back rides. Stabbers don't like that much so they hold back." Government spending has failed to stimulate sawdust mayhem, leaving owners like Butler to wonder: "You look at the news and even circus stabbings are in the tank. What hope does a small guy like me have? Get a crowd, get a stabbing. But broke people don't need the carnival. So you got a vicious Ferris Wheel going here." (Photo:

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