Windows 7 Will Ship Pre-Hacked

REDMOND, WA - Microsoft announced that operating system Windows 7 will arrive in stores already hacked and infected with virus codes and worms. "This is a service to our busy users," said Microsoft spokesperson Gareth Parsons. "Pre-corruption skips the time-consuming steps of using a computer freely while waiting to catch the latest trojan horse. With Windows 7, just install and immediately get on the phone to India." Due out this October, Windows 7 has been engineered to crash and restart, delete thumb drives, and flash an error message in Estonian. Parsons added that a Windows 7 Deluxe version should be on the shelves by Christmas. "In addition to everything 7 does, Deluxe will pulse a small laser beam that can sear a hole in your forehead in under four minutes if not blocked." Parsons mused, "I'm not sure what the upside is, but Microsoft wouldn't add it for no reason. You know how we hate bloatware." (Photo: gottabemobile.com)