Monday, December 21, 2009

Fruitcakes Figure in Holiday Homicides

PHILADELPHIA, PA - Police arrested a man for bludgeoning his roommate to death with a fruitcake, the latest in a string of murders featuring the popular holiday confection. "A regular fruitcake weighs about two pounds," said Philadelphia Detective Sgt. Tom Amato. "If you leave it in the decorative tin, you've got a neat tool for bashing in a skull, especially if you're drunk. Afterwards, you can eat the evidence or regift." Activists have decried the nation-wide outbreak of fruitcake killings, also known as 'fruitings,' and called for laws advocating reasonable fruitcake control. "No one wants to take anyone's fruitcake away from them," said Sylvia Hollis of The Foundation for Sane Fruitcake Ownership. "All we're asking is that anyone buying a fruitcake swear they won't use it in the commission of a felony." Fruitings have spread to Mexico and Amato stated fruitcakes are becoming the weapon of choice for Cartel killers. "Down there, they'll crush your head, then tie fruitcakes around your ankles and drop you into the Gulf of California. You'll sink like a truck axle." Hollis believes the fruitcake lobby's regulatory opposition is to blame for the outbreak of fruitings. "They have walnuts on their hands. Unlike [the fruitcake lobby] we want a better world for our children. But only our children. Adults are on their own." (Photo:

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