Saturday, December 19, 2009

Clown-Bear Fights Stage Holiday Comeback

MEDFORD, OR - For the first time in 15 years, clown-bear fights are back, pitting grease-painted funny men against starving Kodiak bears. Banned for many years by Clown Rights Activists, a recent court case overturned an injunction, allowing the return of this holiday staple. "My dad always took us kids to clown-bear fights," said Eric Derking, a Medford mechanic. "I still recall the first time I saw clowns ramming a bear in a little car. Then the bear tore off the door, pulled out about seven clowns and killed them all. My sister and I talked about it for months. She still has dreams." Medford Parks and Recreation Department reported a full card of clown-bear combat is slated for Wed. Dec. 23 at the Santo Community Center. "We're bringing in plenty of sawdust to soak up all the blood and seltzer water," said Parks spokesperson Michelle Hogan. "Also, the Red Cross has put out a call for blood donors, especially AB - and B +." Hogan dismissed PETA criticism that bears were mistreated in the past. "At the last one, back in '94, this clown got off a great shot with one of those guns where the flag comes out and says 'Bang.' He nailed a bear in the eye and blinded it. Then four other clowns set the bear on fire with blow torches—which they weren't supposed to have. This flaming Kodiak crashed through a window, ran into the street and got crunched by a Peterbilt hauling sofa beds. So it was over quick." Eric Derking will bring his children. "Fathers love exposing kids to special events from their youth. And in Medford, nothing says 'Happy Holidays' like a bear with a pie mashed in its face biting a clown in the head. I still have dreams." (Photo: mystockvoice...&


Toaster 802 said...

...Cannot sleep, clowns will eat me.
...Cannot sleep, clowns will eat me.
...Cannot sleep, clowns will eat me.

Needless to say, I am rooting for the bears! It is important to remember that these bears are providing a public service, and they help keep our children safe. Support our bears today!

Steve Burri said...

PETA's objections have been assuaged in the negotiations by Proctor & Gamble who offered to donate 100 cases of Pepto Bismol to relieve the bears' post melee indigestion.