Biden Keeps Pre-Election Pledge: Attends Puppet Show

READING, PA - Vice-President Joe Biden fulfilled a campaign promise to himself. "I said that if we won the election, I'd take myself to a puppet show. So here I am." Biden attended a performance of Peter and the Wolf at the Reading Marionette Theater. Said director Roland Tracy, "He really enjoyed himself. He was clapping and hooting along with the rest of the kids. Afterwards, the Vice-President asked to meet the cast, but grew angry when he learned that adults operated the puppets. I thought he knew going in." (Photo: blogs.creativeloafing.com)

Prostitutes Like Harry Reid

LAS VEGAS, NV - In town for a gala fundraiser that included Hollywood celebs and the President, Senator Harry Reid received an endorsement from Sin City's Prostitute's Union. "Harry Reid speaks our language," said Union Vice-President Tina Lottabox. "He is an authentic voice for those who believe actions speak louder than words." Lottabox promised the union would be out in force for the senator's reelection. "Our members are skilled in phone work and we're on the streets all the time anyway." When asked if the senate majority leader made any promises for union support, Lottabox scoffed, "He doesn't have to. We know he's one of us. Honestly, we just can't get enough Harry Reid." (Photo: www.zimbio.com)

America Deploys Values Shield

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In response to North Korea's nuclear detonation and medium-range missile test, President Obama has deployed the world's first Values Shield. According to White House spokesperson Adrian Flanagan, "The shield consists of weather balloons, each one prominently displaying an important value such as 'No Torture,' or 'Inclusiveness.' This proud display will shame anyone attempting to attack our nation." A North Korean spokesperson declared the Values Shield 'provacative.' "In North Korea we have only two values: Build Big Bombs and Go Starve To Death. To deploy a line of unknown values is to spit in our soup - if we had any." Flanagan remains confident the Values Shield will deter any Taepodong-2 carrying a nuclear warhead. "Balloons and values are our strongest defense. Plus Six-Party Talks; plus not wanting anything bad to happen. Together they spell a safer America." (Photo: www.learnersonline.com)

U.S. Offers Free Pen to Countries Accepting Terrorists

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a savvy bid to empty the Guantanamo Bay detention center, the U.S. government is offering a free pen to every country that accepts a terrorist. Said Defense Department spokesperson Bill Haskitt, "These are blue, medium point, uni-ball pens made of durable plastic. Every nation that takes a terrorist will get one. Accept two, get two pens, that's how win-win it is." There have been no takers, though Mauritania inquired if any pens were in black or red. (Photo: Staples online catalog)

Government Czars Form Czars Union

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following a closed-door meeting, the nation's czars announced they are unionizing. Said Border Czar Alan Bersin, "As technocrats, we have banded together for security in the workplace." Responsible for administering everything in the country from infotech to health care to stimulus accountability, the czars have threatened a work slow-down if they are not given an additional paid holiday. "We want a Czar's Day," said Urban Czar Adolfo Carrion, Jr. "A day when Americans can relax and know that people earning six-figures, with staffs larger than the population of Billings, Montana, are micromanaging society for the good of ourselves." The union has already been sanctioned by the Labor Czar and has vowed to work for the reelection of President Obama in 2012. Said Bersin, "I think we can all agree: he's a friend to the czars."  (Photo: trcs.wikispaces.com)   

California Plays Guitar Outside Congress

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The State of California has departed the west coast of the United States, relocating outside the Capitol Building where it is playing the guitar in hopes of picking up some money. According to a security guard, the State has played a Joan Baez medley that included "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down," as well as individual songs by Wilco and the Kingston Trio. Tourists have left an amount equal to fourteen dollars in California's immense guitar case. So far, members of Congress have moved quickly past the State without making eye contact. (Photo: uacoe.arizona.edu)   

Biden Wounded by Hessian Cannon Ball

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA - In a discussion with Bosnian leaders over the violence their nation has experienced, Vice-President Joe Biden recalled the time his arm was blown off by a Hessian cannon ball at the Battle of Trenton. "There was this loud boom and I looked and, sure enough, my right arm was gone at the shoulder. You could say it hurt." Fought in 1776, the Trenton engagement between American and Hessian forces contains no record that Biden was present or even alive. In addition, Biden's right arm is intact and used frequently to scratch his hair plugs. Nevertheless, the Vice-President continued to insist his limb had been severed. "Tough luck," said Biden. "Did I mention they also shot down my helicopter with musket fire?" (Photo: www.minutemantreasures.com)

Taxi Riders Subsidize Cabless Americans

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama announced a bill requiring all Americans to subsidize car service for those who can't afford it. Said the President, "A just society is measured by how many free taxi rides its least capable citizens receive." The "Hey, Cab!" Bill would require anyone approached by a "forgotten American" to hail a cab, or in certain rural areas, a town car, and prepay the fare. Added the President, "In some cases, an airport shuttle may be substituted for a cab. We're not inflexible." In order to weed out those taking advantage of the program, Obama suggested forgotten Americans be required to wear identifying garments. "Perhaps something that says, oh, SEIU or ACORN or UAW," mused the President. The bill could be presented to Congress as early as next week, piggybacked with the "Expensive Chinese Vase Act," which requires all Americans to purchase Ming Dynasty pottery for those least able to afford it. (Photo: www.yellowcabofsavannah.com)

Man to Wear Costume at Comic-Con

SAN DIEGO, CA -  A thirty-eight year old fan of comic books and animation has announced he plans wearing a homemade Batman costume to this year's Comic-Con International. " I want to be the Dark Knight and I don't care who knows," said Trey Pfhenning. Pfhenning's bold move surprised even die-hard comic fans like Gale Krespot. "I don't know, dude. It's one thing to spend all your money on back-issues and boot-leg DVDs, its another to actually dress up as a character. I mean, in public...during the day...in a crowded place." There was no official word from Comic-Con, but an insider close to the festival expressed concern. "I'm just worried this could frighten off serious collectors and turn our festival into a circus. Then what?" (Photo: www.geekalerts.com)

New Series Stars Michelle Obama's Arms

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Executives at Sony announced a new TV series starring the buff, feminine arms of the First Lady. Titled Totally Amazing Arms, the storyline revolves around an accident suffered by Michelle Obama while touring a secret government lab. The accident caused her powerful, sleek arms to develop a life of their own. Every night, Michelle's strong, well-defined, womanly arms sneak away to pummel greedy bond holders or hug community activists. "For this show, we want a young demographic," said producer Sandor Glim. "We want kids who like Obama, kids who like disembodied arms, kids who like disembodied arm hero shows. We're gonna run a few test clips at Comicon and tune it up from there." Glim is already working on a companion piece called Power Pecs. (Photo: womensissues.about.com)

Sykes Delivers Wrong Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Comedienne Wanda Sykes admitted giving the wrong speech at last night's White House Correspondent's Dinner. Said Sykes, "I was gonna blast President Obama for hiring lobbyists, keeping rendition, and not supporting gay marriage, but instead I forgot and delivered my Democratic Party fund-raising speech." Sykes thought for a moment. "I'm glad it happened. The President was right there and his eyes were big and brown and soft as a cow's. What if I'd used wounding words and hurt him? I'd have felt terrible. I guess it comes from having too much compassion for others." Sykes must now craft a new fund-raising speech. "I burned all my material. I mean, lose Glenn Beck and Todd Palin and it's the same crowd." (Photo: www.movieweb.com)

Medicare Patients Shipped to Lourdes

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Beginning in October, all sick persons receiving Medicare benefits will be transported by steamer to the Shrine of Lourdes. Located in southern France and noted for Marian apparitions, Lourdes was chosen by Health and Human Services because of the large number of miraculous cures. "What's a miracle cost per patient compared to long-term care?" asked HHS undersecretary Avery Monteith. "By transporting our elderly to Lourdes, we're able to shift costs under Medicare Parts A through C to the president's health care reforms." No provisions have been made to house the elderly, who will be stacked around a sacred grotto on army cots. "We all have to make sacrifices," said Monteith. "But they'll still receive Part D prescription drugs and a ball cap that says 'Lourdes.'" According to Monteith, in 2012 HHS will expand the program to include Medicaid recipients. "As of now, we're hoping for an eighty-nine percent miraculous cure rate. We'll need that to make room around the grotto. Anything less, and the sick may have to double bunk."
(Photo:Manuel González Olaechea y Franco)

Government Takes Over Umbrella Corporation

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama announced he'd fired CEO Albert Wesker and that the federal government would now run Umbrella Corporation, creators of the zombie-making T-Virus and other Bio-Organic Weapons (BOWS). "There is a new future for Umbrella and that future is clean, green zombies," said the President. In a speech to shareholders, Obama announced that Umbrella's extensive ownership of high-tech, underground laboratories would be utilized in the fight against global warming. "Environmentally aware zombies use far less resources than most Americans and all fat people."

Wesker blamed the take-over on a decision by Umbrella's board (known as the Committee) to accept TARP funds last fall. "I told them we had our hands full covering up zombie outbreaks and tracking down Project Alice. But I was overruled." Insiders say Wesker brought the problem on himself when he nominated the White Queen to the board. This powerful artificial intelligence urged the company to accept billions from the federal government. "Based on her calculations, the White Queen felt the T-Virus was spreading so fast we wouldn't have to repay. Never trust anyone who doesn't need a severance package."

Obama inherits a company rich in labs, and well-stocked with heavily-armed security forces, black helicopters, a satellite network, and a host of murderous mutant beings such as Nemesis. In addition, and this could be trouble, Umbrella remains the target of Project Alice. Once a security operative, Alice Abernathy has morphed into a highly-efficient killing machine, determined to destroy the corporation. She is believed to be aided by several hundred clones. Obama expressed little concern for Project Alice, and felt the clones could be persuaded to work for ACORN.

In closing, the President stated, "We hope to use the Hive and other facilities to efficiently finish what Umbrella began: and that's the creation of a zombieized America that needs very little to live on - except for human flesh and we're working on that."
(Photo: www.best-horror-movies.com & famous-wallpapers.blogspot.com)

John Candy Reincarnated as Michigan Senator

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Democrat Debbie Stabenow has denied rumors she is the avatar of deceased comic John Candy. "Nonsense," chuckled Stabenow, holding a cigarette and a drink. "That's just crazy talk, heh, heh, heh." However sources close to the senator report she's been hauling around a large trunk and has sold shower curtain rings to Henry Waxman. "Senator Stabenow said these rings were forged by green elves from a magic forest and could stop global warming," said Waxman. "I bought fifty. Who cares if she's a reincarnated actor? These are damn fine rings."
(Photo: Newsbusted)

DOH Updates Threat Lexicon

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In addition to the Salvation Army, the Department of Homeland Security has issued an updated domestic extremism lexicon. Among groups needing law enforcement surveillance:

1. SHRINERS
This anarchist band may have ties to Turkish unltranationalists as indicated by a preference for the red fez. Once seen at conventions in great numbers, their size has shrunk but not their dedication to disruptive tactics. Fond of dropping water bags from hotel rooms onto pedestrians. This may be crude bombing practice. Airports should be especially vigilant for drunken, middle-aged, Caucasian men in red fezzes, carrying large numbers of paper bags.

2. MARY KAY COSMETICS
Right-wing, extremist women whose goal is to force all women (and weak men) to purchase their cosmetics. Operate in cells and recruit by offering "free facials." They have been known to dress nicely and utter right-wing, extremist Christian prayers to a deity known as "God." Law enforcement should monitor mail boxes for tell-tale signs such as large, pink boxes containing cosmetics.

3. KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
A fanatical wing of the Catholic Church. According to DOH consultant Dan Brown, the Knights hide in plain sight, frequenting bowling alleys and church banquets. All the while, they plot to eradicate science, force children to speak Latin, and bake all smart people in a big pie and gobble them up. Many carry swords and wear hats resembling 17th-century naval head gear. Ports and coastlines should be closely watched, as the Knights believe the Pope will walk out of the sea and breath fire and/or shoot a ray from his head.
(Photo: www.retrothing.com)