Saturday, October 31, 2009

Fans Forbidden to Live in Wrigley Field

CHICAGO, IL. - New Cub's owner Tom Ricketts announced fans must take down all makeshift shelters and leave the park after the completion of every game. Said Ricketts' spokesperson Bert Saunders, "Over the years, things got a little sloppy. Wrigley Field accumulated a population who just wouldn't go - old hippies, Sterno drinkers, the chronically unemployed. For the price of a single ticket, they saw a professional baseball game and acquired a residence. After awhile, the park looked like a Brazilian slum. People from the suburbs don't want to watch a ball game next to someone washing themselves in a discarded popcorn tub." Saunders quickly added that former dwellers are welcome back any time during baseball season when the Cubs are in town. "But they've got to leave, otherwise it's barnacles-on-a-hull and they get scraped off. But they can return the next day for the price of a ticket. But then they have to leave." (Photo:

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