Cap and Trade Promises New Fun Dark Age

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With congressional passage of Cap and Trade, hermits, old hippies and weirdos are standing tall after years of ridicule. "Subsistence living rocks," said Miles Gallipto, who resides in a yurt in the New Mexican desert. "With new taxes coming, people will be forced to conserve energy by not using any. Then he who owns a yurt will be king." In Springfield, Mo., Jubal Munch has endured laughter for living in a dog-hide shack and eating crows. Munch looks forward to seeing fellow Americans stumble in the blackness. "They won't think to cover their shins with old magazines. But I'll hear 'em yelping, then throw Coke bottles at the sound." Congressman Henry Waxman was proud of the bill's passage. "What a gift we've given the American people: the gift of summer camp, every night for the rest of their coal-deprived lives." (Photo: blogs.earthlink.net)

Sanford Questioned in Michael Jackson Death

COLUMBIA, SC - Disgraced Governor Mark Sanford met with FBI agents regarding his whereabouts at the time of Michael Jackson's death.   (Photo: www.cnn.com&www.gossipcheck.com)

Iran Says CIA Funding "Riots," Agency Leaks Denial

LANGLEY, VA - Iran's interior minister accused the CIA of funding pro-democracy demonstrators, leading the agency to leak a report denying the charge. Interior Minister Sadeq Mahsouli stated the CIA funneled money to "rioters" and loomed behind unrest in Tehran. But the report, dated today, stated no agents were in Iran and if they were, they wouldn't be "looming." In addition, the report stated all cash for funding unrest had been taken away by presidential order and given to the State Department, who purchased millions of dollars of hot dog buns and condiments for a July 4 barbecue with Iranian diplomats. The report concluded by calling Iran's interior minister "a big homo" and included a poorly Photo Shopped image of Minister Mahsouli kissing Perez Hilton. All calls to the agency were answered by a machine that denied there was a Central Intelligence Agency.  
(Photo: blogs.earthlink.net)

CBS News Airs Aquarium Footage

NEW YORK CITY, NY - After evening news ratings fell to their lowest ever, CBS announced anchor Katie Couric would be replaced with footage of an aquarium. "This is a temporary measure," said network executive Schyler Benning. "We're examining how CBS presents the news and looking for an upside." The aquarium footage is from YouTube and shows a teenager feeding his piranhas live mice dressed as scuba divers. "Kinda cute, kinda sick," said Benning. "But our key demographic - what's left - really digs it." ABC News also suffered historic low ratings, but have stated they support anchor Charles Gibson. Benning was sceptical. "They're doubling down on 15. I have a friend [at ABC] who said they're replacing Gibson with YouTube clips of a huge wolf spider eating a rat. For now, the only way Gibson will ever see airtime again is if he's killed and eaten by a giant anaconda. And I heard the network wants to film it so they have ancillary rights. But that could be a rumor." (Photo: www.tvgasm.com)

FTC Requests Firearms Training

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As regulation looms on blogger affiliate marketing, the Federal Trade Commission petitioned Congress to allow its agents to carry weapons. "Our new regulations will be called WAAM, the War Against Affiliate Marketing," said Jerry Armbruster, FTC division of advertising oversight. "And we're gonna need all the tools we can get." Armbruster drew a grim picture of what lay ahead for the FTC: "Let's be frank: we're dealing with bloggers who often make up to four dollars a month on an Amazon Associates Link. Or else they get coupons for things and don't tell consumers. With all that at stake, you can bet our staff won't take any chances." If approved, FTC personnel would be trained on the Glock. 40 caliber pistol and the Heckler-Koch HK G36 assault rifle with dual sight system and 40 mm underbarrel grenade launcher. Armbruster looked forward to firing weapons, "Guns make me hard as a parking lot." In closing, Armbruster mentioned a legal point. "The home, apartment, condo, etc. of any blogger in violation of WAAM will be designated a 'compound.' Now you know." (Photo: world.guns.ru)

Obama Bewildered by Iranian Outrage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following a tainted Iranian election, President Obama expressed confusion over massive demonstrations protesting the outcome. Citing Chicago politics, Obama remarked, "They actually rioted over voter fraud? Seriously? If they didn't want voter fraud, why hold an election?" ACORN workers hired by current Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad engineered a landslide "victory" over his rival Mir Hossein Mousavi. Said ACORN spokesperson Duane Wilson, "We learned our lesson in Lebanon. This time we went all out: hit the cemeteries, register the dead, pass around a little "street money," erase bad votes, create good ones and the next thing you know, the people have spoken." When told of Wilson's statement, Obama blinked several times, "And the problem was...?" (Photo: weblogs.newsday.com)

Steve Jobs Liver Sent to Cupertino

CUPERTINO, CA - Doctors who recently transplanted Steve Jobs' liver report they were forced to send the organ to Apple headquarters for repair. "There was some kind of legal requirement," said Doctor Mason Harris. "We had to remove the old liver, place it in a special box, then send it from here in Tennessee all the way to Cupertino." After ten days, Apple responded by sending a new liver and an Apple stick-on decal." Jobs' was reportedly in good shape, though Dr. Harris had reservations. "He's fine now, but he'll need a new liver every two years for the rest of his life." (Photo: www.social42.com)

Combat Death 9th Highest Form of Patriotism

BERKELEY, CA - With the election of Barack Obama, would dissent remain the highest form of patriotism? Not surprisingly, a survey conducted in the Protest Capitol of America found that, yes, dissent was still the number one manifestation of patriotism. Sixty-nine percent of respondents felt disagreement with certain government policies expressed the most love of country. Thirty percent cited more specific forms, ala anti-war dissent, as demonstrating superior patriotism. One percent listed non-traditional actions such as serving in the military. 

In descending order, here are the other highest forms of patriotism :

2.  Constructing a giant papier mache head of George W. Bush complete with devil horns and Hitler moustache and placing it on the roof of your home.

3.  Riding a bicycle naked for peace with hundreds of other unappealing naked people and blocking traffic so people with jobs can't get home.

4.  Screaming at the TV for the war to stop so violently that the police show up and Taser you.

5.  Placing a bumper sticker on your Prius that says, "War Hurts a Lot and Makes Me Full of Sad Beans." 

6.  Hanging a blow-up photo of a hundred, fat, middle-aged, naked women forming a peace sign up in your cubicle at work.

7.  Volunteering as a human shield at an anti-war craft fair.

8.  Attending an anti-war film so mawkish and clunky even the enemy won't go see it.

9.  Dying in combat by friendly fire or a self-inflicted wound.

10. Faking military service in order to tell the media about the time you and your squad made Hot Pockets out of kidnapped Iraqi children.  (Photo: www.nogw.coma)

Tattooed Garofolo Knows Naval History

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Sporting more tattoos than a Chief Petty Officer, actress Janeane Garofolo, to the surprise of many, features naval-themed body paintings that would warm the heart of any bluejacket. Among her inkings, the outspoken liberal activist has a "tramp stamp" of the cruiser U.S.S. Vincennes sinking in flames off Savo Island. On her left buttocks is the exploding battle cruiser H.M.S. Hood, with a perspective inking of the Bismarck's stern, giving the impression that the German battleship is sailing away into bun cleavage.  On her tummy, the diminutive funny woman features the General Belgrano. Garofolo's belly button is positioned on the cruiser's hull exactly where the British torpedo struck that sunk the Argentine warship. But Garofolo's prize is the Battle of Manilla Bay. Admiral Dewey's squadron, led by cruiser U.S.S. Olympia, is depicted firing on the Spanish flotilla, inflicting devastating damage on a canvas stretching along the spinal column and between the shoulder blades, as well as including a portion of the neck where there is an astoundingly accurate rendering of the port city of Cavite as it appeared in 1898. Outspoken on political matters, Garofolo won't discuss her devotion to naval art. Said one source, "Janeane may've been worried the navy stuff would cost her the job at Air America. But that's not a worry anymore, so I don't know."   (Photo: newsbusters.org & Wikipedia)

President Vows Aggressive Silence on Iran

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a dramatic speech, President Obama vowed an increase in soaring silence on Iranian pro-democracy demonstrations. "Shhhhh is our sword; quietness our shield. By our thunderous non-committal stance, America will show the world the importance of bold word-parsing in a time of crisis." The speech was met by cheers and weeping from the White House Press Corps, selected staff members, and Sacramento Mayor Kevin Johnson. President Obama went on to state that brutality against pro-democracy Iranians would not distract him from key issues. "We face a health care crisis, as well as a crisis brought on by senile Inspector Generals. These confused chatterboxes keep finding corruption at a time when the course of this administration is firmly set on silence. So be quiet, Okay?" (Photo: www.payvand.com)

Jews Confirm Rev. Wright Being Kept From Obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a shadowy basement corner of the White House smelling of corn beef, Jews confirmed accusations by Reverend Jeremiah Wright that he is blocked from the President. One Jew stated, "Oye, that Wright is clever. We need him wising up Obama like we need a hole in the head." The Jews acknowledged Reverend Wright has been on to them for many years. A Jew complained, "Gaza genocide, AIDS in the ghetto, Zionist world conquest, are there any of our schemes Wright doesn't know?" Baffled by Wright's keen insight and political savvy, the Jews vented frustration at being foiled time and again by the elderly clergyman. "Like a Sherlock Holmes this one, spilling our plots," shouted a Jew. "Naturally, he is like a father to the President so we cannot touch him. The best we can do is erase his calls." The Jews were relieved their plan to destroy American private enterprise through emergency regulations hadn't been discovered. "But give Wright time," said a Jew. "Old Mr. Smarty Pants will figure that one out too. Then he'll tell the media. The whole government take-over of private business will be investigated by disinterested reporters, dedicated to their watchdog function as guardians of the republic. Oye gevalt, can you say 'trouble?'" (Photo: www.salem-news.com & www.ushmm.org)

Monaco Refuses Gitmo Detainees

PRINCIPALITY OF MONACO - The State Department attempted to leave seventeen al-Qaeda trained Chinese Uighurs inside a casino dressed as gamblers. Wearing tuxedo jackets, orange detainee jumpsuits and cumber buns, the Chinese arrived by train from the Nice airport in the custody of State Department special assistant Mark Hagen. Hagen transported the Chinese to the casino where he introduced them to a croupier as "wealthy shoe salesmen from Hong Kong" then tried to quickly walk out. Casino security returned the Chinese to Hagen who stated he'd "forgot." Monaco's ruler, Prince Albert II, has lodged a formal complaint with the Secretary of State. Mrs. Clinton vowed to investigate Mark Hagen as soon as he finishes escorting seventeen wealthy restaurant owners to Liechtenstein. (Photo: www.tripadvisor.com)

Myers Claims Yacht Caused Espionage

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Suspected State Department spy Walter Myers and wife Gwendolyn intend blaming their yacht for 30 years of espionage on behalf of Cuba. According to a source close to the couple, having a boat reminded Walter Myers of the sea, and the sea reminded him of Cuba, and Cuba reminded him that sometimes communists worked in the American government. The next thing Myers knew, he had dragged his wife into espionage and couldn't get out. "It's a little rough right now," said the source, "and the time line needs a lot of work. But Walt's got good lawyers and this should be a honey of a defense. Think Adam and Eve if Adam came home with a forbidden yacht." In related news, the FBI discovered Cuban medals awarded to the Myers. Decorations included the Order of the Shot Dissident, Second Class, and the coveted Everything's Broken Medal. Other evidence indicates the Myers spent an evening with Castro in 1995 and were allowed to search his beard for hidden candies. (Photo: www.slooporion.com)

Hezbollah Shoots ACORN Workers

BEIRUT, LEBANON - Following defeat in parliamentary elections, terrorist organization Hezbollah shot 34 ACORN employees for failure to turn-out the vote. "They're supposed to be the pros at this," said a masked Hezbollah spokesperson. "They went to the cemeteries and got voters. But they didn't get enough. This is last time we pay in advance." The deceased were from the Chicago and Philadelphia ACORN offices and were due to depart Lebanon for voter turn-out efforts in Iran. Former President Jimmy Carter, serving as an election monitor, had no comment other than to ask where he was and if food had fallen out of his mouth again. (Photo:www.doglegs.net)

After Vacation, Cartel Killers Return to Work Refreshed

CIUDAD JUAREZ, MEXICO - Wearing a glow-in-the-dark Empire State Building tie, gunman Jesus Villa pulled a kidnapped businessman from a trunk and shot him to death. "Honestly, before visiting New York, I couldn't have spit at this man, let alone grease him. I feel fit and firm as a whore's flank." A killer for one of two warring cartels, Villa is just one of many murderers rejuvenated after a two-month hiatus. Speaking anonymously, a cartel spokesperson stated, "Before the break, men were sending rivals insulting Tweets instead of giving them a 9mm third eye. Really, it was fatigue from overwork." For a time, Villa didn't believe the vacation would help. "Even in New York I was run-down, then I went to see Wicked at the Gershwin Theatre. The actor playing Fiyero was just going through the motions, collecting a pay check. This annoyed me. So after the show, I shot him in both knees and dumped him in a sewer where I hope he was eaten by rats. Afterwards, I couldn't stop humming 'Popular.' That's when I knew I'd be fine." (Photo:www.www.latimes.com)

Obama Apologizes to D-Day Beaches

NORMANDY, FRANCE - In a stirring speech, President Barack Obama apologized to Utah and Omaha beaches for Americans landing on them sixty-five years ago. "It must have hurt your sand a great deal," said the President. "I know that when I golf, I always have someone rake my traps. I can only imagine the discomfort of millions of men tramping across you and not cleaning up behind." Pausing for effect, the President continued: "But those days are gone. We are just a nation among nations, friend to sand everywhere. And should the sand have oil underneath it, well, what's wrong with that?" The President refused comment on whether British and Canadian representatives would apologize to Gold, Juno and Sword beaches. "I would hope that sand everywhere is respected. Much of my policy is built upon this substance and I know its worth." (Photo:www.francemonthly.com/.../ images/omaha-beach.jpg)

Armless Latina Judge Wiser than Sotomayor

EL PASO, TX - An armless Latina judge has petitioned the President for a Supreme Court appointment, arguing she is wiser than Sonia Sotomayor. "Sotomayor hasn't seen life through my eyes," said Maria Lucinda Perez. "After years of exercise, my feet can grip things like a chimp. I can smack a gavel and flip through legal documents. When things are slow, I can deal a deck of cards and play gin with the baliff. And no one overturns my legal opinions." Perez' appointment faces stiff competition from Sotomayor and a lesbian Latina judge from Florida who communicates through clicks and whistles, and can exhale poisonous gas. Even Perez was impressed, "Damn. Now that's a life experience." (Photo:www.windows.ucar.edu)

Feds Control Hasbro, Mandate Cement Checker Game

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After acquiring control of the Hasbro Corporation, the federal government ordered the toy giant to construct cement checker boards and pieces. "This new mandate states that a standard board will be the size of a pavement square," said Hasbro spokesperson Hughie Daniels. "In fact, it will be a pavement square, painted black and red, with cement checkers the size of plates." Daniels stated Hasbro's line of classic toys will also be affected in the coming months by new federal rules. "Because of government changes, some old games will be getting new names," said Daniels, mentioning the Not-So-Easy-Bake Oven with OSHA Compliance Manual, Scrabble with forty percent Arabic words, and Mr. Tuber Head, a pumpkin-sized, iron head with a non-removable iron hat. "I'm not sure on the marketing angle for the new toys," said Daniels. "We're trying out the slogan: 'If It's From the Government, You Know It's Big.' Maybe consumers will think there's value-added stuff here. I guess." (Photo: ourgreenwich.com)

Geithner Stand-Up Wows Chinese

BEIJING, PRC - Tim Geithner took his stand-up act on the road, thrilling a crowd at Peking University. "Let's hope Chinese don't pay their taxes like I do," quipped the Treasury Secretary. "You'll be so broke you'll have to sell the 'chop' in 'chop suey.'" In a set light on math, but heavy on laughs, Geithner fired off lines such as:

"Joe Biden is the Cadillac of vice-presidents: a clunky, expensive luxury that operates on gas."

"The only difference between the U.S. dollar and Monopoly money is that Parker Brothers stands behind Monopoly money. Thank you. Glad you're paying attention."

"The U.S. believes in a strong dollar. We also believe the Philadelphia Eagles will win a Super Bowl - SOMEDAY! What? No Eagle's fans? Hey, you, the guy laughing...can you run around the room and make it look like I'm going over?"

"Chinese assets invested in America are very safe. Just as safe as a Tibetan Monk at a Chinese baseball bat convention. Whoa! Hey, a little sense of humor here! Gotta run! Buy billions in bonds. We do. Later!" (Photo: yellowserv.ftphost.net)