When Protest Was Cool

Evan Coyne Maloney archives the days of dissent when words were calm, rational and designed to facilitate dialogue, leaving the MSM nothing to report on.

brain terminal via Ace of Spades

Circus News Channel Outdraws CNN

LAS VEGAS, NV - Prime-time CNN hosts continue to shed viewers as they lost audience to the Circus News Channel for the first time in network history. Even with healthcare expansion and Haiti coverage, CNN was solidly outdrawn, despite CNC's narrow focus on events of interest to the circus community. Larry King took the biggest hit, plummeting 52 percent in March from 2009, losing in the ratings 26 times to Big Top Headlines at 9 with Walleye the Clown. Even powerhouse CNN anchor Anderson Cooper sustained a beating, losing 46 percent of the key 25 -to-54-year-old demographic to Around the Ring, a panel show of ringmasters, lion tamers and acrobats discussing recent changes in circus law. Said one CNN executive, "There's nothing wrong with our model. We're not changing a thing." However CNN sources confirm that Campbell Brown's 8 p.m. slot has been given to CNC's Hot-Mouth Mike, current host of All Things Sideshow and a noted fire eater capable of projecting flame over 18 feet. Mike's agent wouldn't confirm the move, but did report that CNC's Harney the Geek had been rejected as a host by CNN as being "too similar to Rick Sanchez."

Scientists Toss Mice Into Hadron Collider

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - An experiment at the Hadron Collider involving proton beams smashing together at the speed of light was disrupted when scientists tossed mice into the beams to 'see what happened.' "I'm afraid it wasn't very professional," remarked Ernesto Bailar spokesperson for the Large Hadron Collider or LHC. "They'd [scientists] been working very hard on this experiment and got a little silly. It's a shame. The data might've given us clues into the creation of the universe. Now we'll never know." Bailar stated the mice vanished, but was unsure whether they disintegrated or got transported to another dimension. "They're gone for good, that we know for certain."

Angry Atheist Harris Founds O.A.F.

LONG BEACH, CA - Fed up with religion distracting people from important world problems, neuroscientist and author Sam Harris has created the Offended Atheists Foundation. By funding books and films by grumpy atheists, O.A.F. aims to alert the public to religion's diversion of attention from human suffering. "Science can determine morality with the same rigor used to prove global cooling and the danger of Alar on apples," said Harris in a recent interview at the TED Conference. "Meanwhile, religion wastes time with blood drives, food drives, clothing drives, aid to the homeless, and visiting the elderly." O.A.F. has already concluded deals with several offended atheists, including biologist Richard Dawkins and comic Bill Maher. Dawkins will write a book on secular grief counseling entitled, Your Mom is Dead: Let's Get Pizza, while Maher is producing a comedy called Hay You! in which the acerbic funnyman showcases his wit as he tricks and belittles the Amish.

North Korea Borrows Electric Light for Earth Hour

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Anxious to show Earth Hour solidarity with other nations, an embarrassed North Korea was forced to borrow a table lamp from South Korea in order to have electricity to turn off. "The whole country is darker than the eyes of an ox," said Dak-ho Kim, a South Korean soldier. "They have nothing, except a large nuclear bomb." North Korean officials refused to answer queries, but sources inside the government indicated that participating in Earth Hour was a signal to the U.S. that the North was interested in talks as a precondition to more serious talks that could lead to a nice conference somewhere. Earth Hour is in its fourth year, organized by the World Wildlife Fund as a gesture to increase environmental awareness. (The WWF is also noted for creating pretend climate change data and having it placed into IPCC reports.) At the end of Earth Hour, Kim reported North Korea refused to return the lamp, instead eating it with grass and pond water.

Cameron Threatens To Beat Deniers With Sack of Money

MALIBU, CA - James Cameron has threatened to bludgeon global warming deniers with a sack of cash. "I'll use stacks of tightly-bound hundreds in a tough canvas bag," said the environmental activist director. "I carry that much around as tip money for my gardeners and servants, so it's no big deal." Calling his critics 'boneheads' for accepting evidence that global warming data has been cooked, Cameron believes all Americans need to lower their carbon footprint and accept a much lower standard of living if the earth is to be saved from anthropogenic climate change. At his double mansion in the Malibu hills, neighbor to Mel Gibson and Olivia Newton-John, Cameron boldly challenged deniers. "Come on up here and I'll hold your head underwater in one of my two swimming pools. Or I'll slam my huge front gate on your hand. Or smash you over the head with a painting that costs more than your pathetic Toyota RAV. I'll do whatever it takes to fight for the earth and bring about sustainable living standards in others."

Netanyahu Locked in White House Room with Rev. Wright

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Angry with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, President Obama engaged in a series of petty snubs during a White House meeting, including locking the Israeli leader in a room with Reverend Jeremiah Wright. "Not pretty," said one source under condition of anonymity. Unaware of who Netanyahu was, Rev. Wright regaled him with stories about 'Jew tricks,' and 'Jewey plots' to keep Rev. Wright from speaking with the president. Said the source, "Netanyahu's aides finally rescued him, but not before Rev. Wright called the new healthcare bill 'jew-riffic.'"White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the incident was blown out of proportion. "Our relation with Israel is stronger than ever." Gibbs then mentioned the President's recent appointment of new Israeli ambassador, Louis Farrakhan.

Zucchinicide

HONG KONG, PRC - A man attempted to end his life "the old-fashioned way" by jamming a zucchini up his butt.
h/t: American Digest

What Price, Penn?

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Daily Discord reports actor Sean Penn lacks Price control.

New Moth Found in Vice-President's Head

BALTIMORE, MD - John Hopkins University entomologist Greg Eddy announced that a Banded Tussock Moth had been discovered inside Joe Biden's head. According to Eddy, he received a copy of the vice-president's weekly brain MRI and spotted the insect nesting in pile of decayed vegetation. "Haven't seen that one before," said Eddy. "But the yellowish-orange coloration made it stand out among the other moths." Normally ranging from Canada to Texas, the moth may have entered Biden's head during a speaking tour. According to Eddy, "The adult Tussock Moth is attracted to decaying leaves that have alkaloids. Moths regurgitate on the plants, then drink the fluids to acquire defensive chemicals." File footage shows Joe Biden engaged in similar behavior at outdoor press conferences.

Furious President Learns He is Exempt From Obamacare

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having just signed into law a massive new healthcare bill, President Obama was stunned to learn he is exempt from its provisions. "You've gotta be kidding me," cried the President in shock and outrage. "Let me be perfectly clear, this is a terrible outrage." Thousands of congressional staffers are also exempt, despite having worked on and written the bill. "It's so unfair," stated Kari Beedle, a house staffer. "I wish I knew how this happened. We sweated to pass wondrous, caring legislation and now we're stuck with some lousy old health care that gives us choices." The President was firm. "Congress must act to close the loophole denying myself and thousands of others in government this symbol of change. But they must not be hasty. I say to congress, 'Take your time, do it right.' I'll wait. Let me know in a couple of years. My family and I will get by somehow."

Public Housing Chosen as Healthcare Template

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Basking in victory, triumphant Democrats have vowed that the new American healthcare system will rival the glory of urban renewal public housing. "Think of medicine; now think of Chicago's Robert Taylor Homes," said Darrin Foaf, spokesperson for the Health and Human Services Department. "The same planning and foresight that went into creating thoughtful, esthetically-pleasing, safe public dwellings will now be trained on health care." Foaf believes Americans will be pleased with their new government-run program. "Remember the quiet peace and contentment that surrounded public housing? That was no accident. Caring, forward-thinking government workers built it into the system." Foaf dismissed any concerns over bureacratic ineptitude. "People just need to relax. Whatever happened to the Robert Taylor Homes will happen to American medicine. Health and Human Services guarantees it."

Face of Moon New Model for U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the passage of healthcare and its many new entitlements, experts believe the U.S. economy will most closely resemble the lunar surface within five years. Said University of Chicago economist Lisa Chin, "Already weak, the economy faces numerous new fees, taxes and mandates which will leach out vitality and render markets similar to our celestial neighbor: rocky, airless, cratered, with half in total darkness." However, the comparison is not 100 percent. Chin posits that since non-resident aliens are exempt from healthcare taxes, many will arrive in the U.S. for a service American citizens will subsidize. "Think of a dry, dusty place but very crowded, with beings from far away galaxies showing up for 'free' healthcare administered by over 500 new bureaucracies, 50,000 new bureaucrats with 16,000 of those working for the IRS. In such a place, economic hustle will be like frozen water at the bottom of a deep crater - something desirable, but impossibly expensive. However, new growth industries may emerge. Examples might include selling 'Procedure Denied' rubber stamps, and teaching Spanish. Psychologically, Chin felt it important that Americans not remember their old economy. "Pretend it was always just like the moon. That may be best." (Photo: Wickipedia)

Stupak Reclassified as Invertebrate

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Biologists have downgraded former anti-abortion congressman Bart Stupak from the Chordate subphylum Vertebrata, or creatures with backbones, to invertebrate status. Stupak once opposed the health care bill because it funded abortions, but switched to 'yes' in exchange for an executive order exploring the abortion issue and written on good bond paper. Said Dr. Sonia Riley of Scripps Institute: "By trading his vote for a legally meaningless eo [executive order], Mr. Stupak chose to jettison his spine. Scientifically, we must now classify him somewhere between comb jellies and the sea sponge." House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has promised Stupak a salt-water tank for the remainder of the congressional session where the Michigan democrat may float like a starfish, feasting on algae. "His life span is much shorter now," added Riley. "As an organless ball of jelly, he'll need flowing water in order to operate his excretory system." A spokesperson for Speaker Pelosi stated there were no plans to add anything more to Stupak's tank. "He should've taken an aquarium pump over an executive order. At least a pump does something."

Student on Field Trip Discovers Alien Death Ray

HIBBING, MN - While accompanying his class on a nature walk, 11-year-old Alan Heckling discovered an alien death ray that implodes matter, leaving the debris highly radioactive. "I saw the butt sticking out of the snow. It works just like an air pistol,"said Heckling, pointing the weapon at a parked beer truck. Seconds later, the truck vanished in a silent, lavender flash. "My teacher, Mrs. Comstock, tried to take the ray gun away. She's gone now. So is Charles Fina, who pantsed me last year at a school assembly. And Genna Potter, who called me 'Snotflake' in the cafeteria and got the whole class saying it. Genna is now 10-7 Earth." Heckling was unsure about the weapon's power source or how many 'shots' it might have left. "I guess the right thing would be to give it to my parents or the army. But then I'll never see it again." Sirens sounded in the distance and a helicopter swooped low overhead. Heckling was thoughtful. "Right now, I never have to go to school again. Or eat kidney beans. Or wash my sister's stump. 'Cause I got a ray gun. Sweet."

Pelosi Offers Pork to St. Joseph

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After using St. Joseph's name in an attempt to sway Catholics toward the healthcare bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered the saint a high-paying position in the Department of Labor. A Pelosi spokesperson, Laura Shapen, denied this was a bribe. "Hiring St. Joseph has been on the table for some time." Pelosi stated the saint would probably support the bill which, among other things, requires Catholics to pay for abortions. Ms Shapen saw no contradiction in the Speaker's remarks. "Speaker Pelosi is a devout Catholic and something of an authority on church teaching. And when she says that St. Joseph is the patron saint of workers who like to see babies dead, and is often pictured standing atop a mound of aborted children because that's what working families want, we should take her word."

Conference Okays Polar Bear Chimichangas

DOHA, QATAR - Food lovers rejoiced as a UN conference on endangered wildlife upheld the trade in polar bear chimichangas. "This is a victory for anyone who loves deep-fried, flour tortillas stuffed with polar bear meat," said Canadian chef Jacques Bidet. Americans at the 175-nation conference argued that polar bear populations are threatened by potential global warming as well Eskimo hunting, and murder by other disgruntled polar bears. Often accompanied by salsa, guacamole, sour cream and cheese, polar bear chimichangas have been exempt from most international conferences under the 1976 Odd Foods Treaty. However, members of the US Fish and Wildlife Commission had hoped to end the trade as well as prohibit all harvesting and sale of polar bear organs, particularly the rib cage which is prized by the Chinese who use it as a xylophone. "We're disappointed by the vote," said Fish and Wildlife under secretary Haymon Loquat. "But we'll keep trying to save them [bears], even if their population is growing. We love polar bears almost as much as international conferences. Maybe less. Yes, less. I have a big hotel room."

Nixon's Ghost Delighted by Obama

YORBA LINDA, CA - Pacing outside his library, the ghost of former president Richard M. Nixon expressed delight with the Obama administration. "Those #@$%^&* will end up making me look like Kennedy." In particular, the former president, dead since 1994, mentioned catastrophic problems ahead from trillions in mounting debt and the health care bill. "Moody's says the U.S. could lose its Triple A Rating. And this @#$% ^&* health care bill has pissed off more people than Vietnam times three. I'll give you odds that within the year both political parties will hire a @#$%^&* necromancer to raise my corpse and have me take over the country. People will say, 'Thank God for Dick Nixon. Even dead, he's better than some annoying, red @#$of a *&^%$ from Chicago.' The public will be so grateful they'll put my name back on a couple of freeways and a bridge. I got screwed out of those by Watergate." As the former president returned to the grave, he pointed to his presidential library, "Keep an eye on the front desk. Make sure the @#$%^&* staff doesn't let their friends in for free."

Hollywood Encourages Universal to Make More Bad Films

HOLLYWOOD, CA - An ad hoc committee of studio executives, producers, directors, and agents has approached Universal Studios and thanked them for turning out so many rotten films over the last few years. "Green Zone was beautiful," said committee spokesperson, Benjamin Ritchie. "A 100 million to make and you need a diving bell to find last week's box office. Truth is, they're taking a lot of pressure off other people in this town whose own bombs never seem so bad when compared to Universal. We just want to encourage them to keep cranking out the horse pies." Universal executives refused comment on the committee, instead issuing a press release trumpeting their upcoming film, Land of the Lost II: Jurassic Snark."

New Documentary Shows Fish Eating Each Other

HONOLULU, HI - A new Discovery Channel program probes beneath the waves, revealing the non-intricacies of undersea life. "Yum Yum Ocean basically shows how fish eat each other 24/7," said Discovery executive Sandra Timms. Narrated by Morgan Freeman and using beautiful underwater cinematography, 'Ocean' is a ten-hour series built around fish and aquatic mammals eating each other, having sex, then eating the new-born. The young that escape eventually grow up to eat other fish or be eaten themselves. "Few things in nature die of old age," said Timms. "Maybe that's what we're trying to say in ten hours."

Apple Debuts iMower

CUPERTINO, CA - Apple has developed a new iPad built into a Snapper 54-inch Yardmaster riding mower. Executives unveiled the computer/mower on the 18th fairway of the Deep Cliff Golf Course, uploading ebook pages from a swivel screen on the right arm rest while trimming back the rough. "The iMower is a response to critics who said the iPad couldn't multitask," said Apple spokesperson Julian Billet. "Now you can surf the web and cut the grass of any golf course or cemetery. I'd call that doing two things at once." Weighing over a thousand pounds, the iMower comes equipped with a 1024 x 768 screen, iPhone OS 3.2, electric blade engagement, and a 6-galleon fuel tank. Said Billet, "I'm thinking the next generation iMower will have a removable iPad, so you can take it inside upon completion of your lawn care needs. But one thing at a time."

Rare Irish Dish Combines Corned Beef and Resentment

LOS ANGELES, CA - With St. Patrick's Day around the corner, families may wish to celebrate with these authentic dishes from the Emerald Isle via the Kwabler family. These rare recipes aren't found in any cookbook, but have been passed down over generations by my Irish relatives. So give one a try and savor the Celtic experience.

1. Corned beef and Resentment - Traditional corned beef prepared with a simmering side dish of antagonism over a past wrong, real or imagined, heated to a furious boil in the mind's crock pot.

2. Jameson and Air - Irish whiskey poured into a jelly tumbler and gulped at the dinner table while the rest of the family nervously eats something boiled.

3. Soda Bread and Shunning - Cooked for 70 minutes in a 9x5 loaf pan, the bread is served warm only to yourself since no one else at the table exists anymore.

4. Potatoes and Potatoes - Fine white, boiled potatoes, mashed up and presented on a bed of starchy tubers. For authentic flavoring, eat with a salted wooden spoon.

5. Cabbage and Violence - A boiled head of cabbage thrown across the table and followed up by a punch. Traditionally served during after-dinner card games and political discussions.

FarmVille Acquires Agricultural Subsidies

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Popular Facebook simulation game FarmVille has added federal farm subsidies, driving smaller plots into bankruptcy and favoring large agribusinesses. "We've tried to model our sim after USDA programs," said Albie Peck of Zynga, creators of FarmVille. "With that in mind, handouts are available to growers of wheat, cotton, corn, rice and Teddy Bears. Largess is also dished out to farmers who join Facebook's Conservation Reserve Program. By allowing your plots to go fallow, you receive a subsidy in farm dollars while driving up the price of your neighbors crops." Bigger is better in the new FarmVille, adds Peck. Players may pursue the traditional path of acquiring more neighbors, experience points, and gifts in order to purchase additional land or else donate real money to the FarmVille Growers Association. FGA members are automatically elevated to agribusiness level, enrolled in a political action committee, and given farm dollar subsides which lower prices, encouraging bucolic avatars to plant even more crops, driving down the price and increasing subsidies. In addition, Peck encouraged gamers to divide their plots into shell farms incorporated under the names of their children and apply for individual subsidies. "Like the USDA, we don't really check," says Peck. "And if we did, we wouldn't find anything wrong." Peck states Zynga is considering subsidizing herds of elephants. "There's been push back within the company. Some people are afraid we'll turn subsidies into a joke."

'Law and Order: SUV' Highlights Auto Showroom Crime

HOLLYWOOD, CA - NBC is promoting a new series that will expand the successful Law and Order franchise into the world of auto dealerships with the hard-hitting, Law and Order: SUV. Ripped from today's headlines, the series follows an NYPD detective unit charged with investigating crimes in and around auto showrooms as well as the prosecution of such crimes. Driving specially-equipped GMC Yukons, the unit does double duty, investigating minor crimes at Chrysler lots such as change-pilfering mechanics and customers who pocket coffee creamer, then tackling felonies at Ford lots. According to an insider, the show is being funded with stimulus dollars and will be sponsored by GMC. "All the ugly stuff like rape, child-molestation, and incest take place at Ford dealerships. Also, everyone driving a Ford vehicle is overweight, bald, and smokes. Everyone driving a GMC is young, fit, well-dressed, concerned about the environment and favors common sense gun-control. Other than that, it's just a regular crime show."

Suicide Barrier Uses High-Voltage Grid, Lasers

SEATTLE, WA - In a bid to halt suicide jumpers leaping off the Aurora Bridge, Seattle has constructed a high-voltage suicide barrier protected by lasers and patrolled by thugs. "State-of-the-art," said Beal King, a city attorney. An eight-foot chain link fence along the Aurora pedestrian walkway is connected to the city's electrical grid. "Anyone tries climbing that barrier to jump will be cooked like a French Fry. And if some joker puts on thick rubber gloves and boots to beat the fence, they'll be cut in half by laser beams." According to King, the recession has allowed the city to assemble a cadre of unemployed, armed with ax handles. "A pedestrian on that walk-way who even looks like he's going to jump will get the beating of his life. I already checked the law. We're cool." Seattle's aggressive attempt to end suicide jumpers will be closely watched by San Francisco, home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the nation's most popular suicide spot. "'Frisco should take a page out of our book," said King. "People want to check out of life, fine. But they can't use the Aurora Bridge. And if they try, bad things will happen. So, that's bad compounded. Who wants that noise?"

Slab of Pork Chosen to Fill Murtha's Seat

HARRISBURG, PA - Pennsylvania Democrats have chosen a large slab of greasy pork to fill the congressional seat of the late John Murtha. "We could've gone with a human being," said Democratic political operative Vincent Weaseling, "but we wanted to remind voters what they could lose if they vote for someone else." Murtha's district features an extraordinary number of facilities built with federal funds including an airport, office buildings, a seven-story aquarium and casino, and a mortuary for pigeons. Weaseling was optimistic about the May election, "People like free things that other people pay for. John [Murtha] sure did. In return, he'd vote any way you told him to. Too bad this isn't Chicago. He'd still be voting."

Buddha Found Dead in Road

SANTA MONICA, CA - Police are investigating the murder of Gautama Buddha, also known as the "enlightened one," who was found beaten and strangled outside a meditation center on Ocean Park Boulevard. "We're thinking this was a crime of opportunity," said Detective Phil Gomez. "Maybe even a hate crime. Someone met the Buddha on Ocean Park, maybe didn't like his long ear lobes, or thought his beads were faggy or disliked pudgy people, whatever." Fourteen members of Divine Awakening Temple and Pilates are being detained for questioning. "They all claim to have been meditating at the time of the crime. We'll see," said Gomez. In addition, Gomez reported finding evidence that the victim may have brought the violence onto himself. "I came across a saying of his, 'If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.' Not to speak ill of the dead, but you shouldn't talk smack unless you can back it up. He couldn't. Now he's a dead, fat guy in a robe. Maybe he was born to suffer? Maybe we all are. Maybe he was born to run? I hope not. With all that weight he would've run flat into a heart attack. Then it wouldn't be murder and I could go home. But that's life for you." (Photo: raisengrrl)

Print Media Fail Threatens Recluse Americans

Our underserved, overcluttered citizens face radical change.

How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
h/t: The Onion via Viral Footage

New Reasons Surface Why Soviets Lost Cold War

A video highlights key fails including shoddy pop entertainment and anti-lip syncing.
h/t: Daley Gator

Strange Old Men Hurt by Recession

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man dressed like this.
h/t: Retriever

McDonald's Offers Greek Islands with Happy Meal

OAK BROOK, IL - Taking advantage of financial turmoil in Greece, McDonald's has announced that, for a limited time only, they will be giving away a Greek island with every Happy Meal purchased. Corporate officials announced that customers throughout the United States could find themselves owners of one or more of over 2,000 Greek islands and islets, including volcanic mountaintops. Mrs. Sharon Hutlichen of Dover, Delaware opened her daughter's Happy Meal and found, along with nuggets, fries and a cheap plastic toy, the deed to the island of Milos, a part of the Cyclades in the Aegean Sea. "At first, we were excited," said Mrs. Hutlichen. "But then, my husband wanted to know if we'd be responsible for the island's water, power, and gas. That's how he thinks. I thought it would be a nice place to vacation, but then I heard you can't drive to Milos, so now I don't know." Other island-owners were more practical. Bill Ficoli of Wedge, Massachusetts now possesses Kasos in the Dodecanese chain near Turkey. "I'm gonna be king of Kasos. People will have to bring me fruit and girls and silver hats or I'll kick 'em off the island, just like Survivor only no voting. And if I catch anyone getting weird with the goats, they're gone too."

Post Office Cutting Back On Saturday Delivery, Drinking, Theft, Shoot Outs

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having lost 3.8 billion dollars last year, the Post Office will consider ending Saturday deliveries, as well as asking employees to stop drinking on the clock, stealing packages, and shooting fellow workers and patrons in blind rages. According to Postmaster General John Potter, "These are common sense decisions that will help save money and improve service, especially the whole 'not-shooting anyone' part." Potter must obtain congressional approval to end Saturday service, while the other requests are directed toward employees. "They don't really listen to me," said Potter. "I can only ask them not to finish their route early and hang out in a bar, or swipe cool stuff from the parcel post bin, or spit lead because they got written up for cutting across lawns. Maybe we could hire a lot of pretty girls to deliver the mail and work as clerks. I'd like that. Write me c/0 the Postmaster General, Washington, D.C. if you think that's a good idea."

City of Tel Aviv Added as Suspect in Dubai Killing

DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - Dubai's law enforcement has added the population of Tel Aviv to the list of suspects in the death of Hamas terrorist Mahmoud al-Mabhouh. "We have formally added an additional 393,900 suspects based on credit cards, passports, and a phone interview with John Walsh of America's Most Wanted," said the police chief. "Mr. Walsh was most helpful," stated Lt. Gen. Dahi Khalfan Tamim. "He said if we suspected Israelis, the suspects were probably from Israel. Until proven otherwise, we are listing all Tel Aviv as suspects. In addition, Ashdod and parts of Bat-Yam are right on the cusp of suspicion." Tamim has asked the Tel Aviv mayor to list the whereabouts of the population on the day of al-Mabhouh's killing back in January. "If they've done nothing wrong, they have nothing to fear," said the general, who hopes to clear everyone by 2017. "My men are paid by the hour, so this could take awhile."