Cash For Clunkers Buys 'Green Zone'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Universal Studios has sold the unreleased Matt Damon, Paul Greenglass anti-war film, Green Zone to the Federal Government via the Cash for Clunkers program. "We got $4,500," said Universal executive Perez Tibbet. "I heard Lions for Lambs only got 3k." With anti-war films dropping more bombs than a B-52, Universal decided to cut its losses and take advantage of a federal program designed to rid highways of old vehicles. "We pressured the President to expand the program and accommodate Iraq/Afghanistan anti-war films," said Tibbet. "But it's not a total loss. I understand the government will be showing 'Green Zone' on Amtrak and at the VA." (Photo: slashfilm.com)

'Twilight' Actress Replaced by Roseanne Barr

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Summit Entertainment has replaced vampire bad girl Rachelle Lefevre with Roseanne Barr. Barr will assume the role of "Victoria" in Eclipse, third film in the Twilight series. "This was basically a creative decision," said Summit spokesperson Neil Terrace. "Roseanne, though much older than Rachelle, had an offbeat take on the character we hadn't considered. We're looking forward to the intricate subtleties she'll bring to the role. " Terrace dismissed fan angst over the new Victoria. "All anyone has to do is show up and watch the movie. What could go wrong with Roseanne Barr?"(Photo: Heeb Magazine)

Healthcare Provision Allows Chimp Killing

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Buried deep in the House version of the healthcare bill is a provision that would allow lawmakers to dress up chimpanzees in suits and little hats and shoot them. "We're not sure who put that in or why, but the language is uncommonly clear," said a source close to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. The provision would earmark funds for clothing, ammunition, pizzas, and carcass disposal through the General Services Administration. The source didn't know if the provision would remain through House and Senate reconciliation. "No one reads these bills, so anything is possible. All I can say is someone on Capitol Hill wants to cap a monkey real bad."

NBC Fall Schedule 'Shovel Ready'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Insiders are calling NBCs 2009/10 fall schedule 'shovel ready.' "This lineup needs burying," said an NBC executive. "But when 'up,' is all you have, 'down' gets redefined." Perhaps the most controversial change involves replacing news anchor Brian Williams with Beyonce. "Don't ask me," said the executive. "We're in dark, uncharted waters now." Here's a sampling of the Peacock Network's fall slate:

NBC NIGHTLY NEWS WITH BEYONCE - Pop star Beyonce Knowles interprets breaking news with hot, slinky dance moves.

LAW & ORDER: SUV - Cops and lawyers respond to crimes in a GMC Denali XLS equipped with wiper fluid that doubles as luminol.

THURSDAYS WITH JAY - Each Thursday for 24 hours, Jay Leno will host or guest star on every NBC program including soap operas.

MANILA GENERAL - Lives and loves of American hospital orderlies working in a Philippine medical center.

RUSTY GATES - Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates, Jr. stars in a sit-com about a fiery neighborhood handyman who can never correctly plane a door.
(Photo: upload.wikimedia.org)

Healthcare Impasse Blamed on Clowns

WASHINGTON, D.C. - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated failure to meet the President's legislative healthcare deadline was the fault of clowns. "Congress was set to pass a bill when healthcare clowns invaded the the chamber. They capered about, jumping into barrels, and otherwise distracting legislators who laughed and hooted instead of marking up the bill." Pelosi said the clowns carried whiskey in plastic hip flasks and shared it with members, who carry whiskey in gold and silver flasks. The Speaker sputtered in disgust, "Congress got so drunk, they left out all the pork. We had to flush the law and start over." Speaker Pelosi blamed the healthcare clowns on Republicans, but took full responsibility for the whiskey. "It's always been a problem around here. Frankly, Congress is much worse when they're completely sober. Don't even ask about the Senate." (Photo: upload.wikimedia.org)

President Writes Healthcare Fan Fiction

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With Congress dragging its feet, a frustrated President Obama has written a fan fiction healthcare bill entitled, "The Happy Good Government Healthcare Plan." In Obama's story, a willing, excited congress works merrily to craft a wonderful plan where the government provides medical service to all Americans. Not only does the plan work really well, but everyone, except the poor and unions, volunteers to pay for their plan. Said spokesperson Adrian Heemer, "The President dashed off the story in a couple of days and showed it to Rahm Emanuel. Rahm cried, and he hasn't done that since the President asked him to stop punching White House staff. " Barack Obama hopes to publish chapters on a special blog that should be up and running in two to three years. Heemer added, "Like a future MRI, it'll be worth the wait." (Photo: portraits-of-collinwood.net)

Obama Healthcare Draws on 'Soylent Green'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In his speech to the nation last night, President Obama introduced the idea of community suicide centers modeled after those in the film, Soylent Green. "What a compassionate, cost-effective way to assist our nation's elderly and at-risk populations," said White House spokesperson Adrian Heemer. The centers, or CSS, would be mandatory for citizens with conditions deemed too expensive to treat as determined by a special CSS board. Staffed by teenagers whose parents are major campaign donors, Heemer said the board would teach these youngsters social responsibility and valuable work place skills such as being on-time. Patients selected for CSS may expect a final drink of cocoa, the right to transmit a brief YouTube message, and the musical stylings of The Cranberrys. Termination choices may include lethal injection, defenestration, or beating. Heemer hopes most people will choose defenestration or beating. "Why not go out thinking of the community, in a manner that holds down costs?" (Photo: www.sitepoint.com)

Michael Vick Enters Iditarod

ANCHORAGE, AK - While speculation swirls on possible NFL reinstatement of Michael Vick, the former quarterback has taken the lead and signed up for the Iditarod Dog Sled Race. "Michael loves to compete," said Vick attorney Rich Sapperstein. "And what says competition more than a fifteen-hundred mile dog sled race across Alaska?" Convicted of dogfighting, Vick took virtual dog-sledding classes while in prison and, according to Sapperstein, will be ready to go by March 2010. "We're moving from the class room to the kennel and it's been a challenge for Michael. He keeps dropping dogs on their heads and hitting them with hammers. But other than that, he's got a real feel for the sport." (Photo: redstarcafe.wordpress.com & infidelsparadise.wordpress.com)

California Slashes Department of Puppetry

SACRAMENTO, CA - As part of a deal to close the state's 26.3 billion dollar deficit, Governor Schwarzenegger and legislative leaders agreed to deep cuts in the state's Department of Puppetry. "Naturally, this will hurt children, the poor and members of the Puppetry Local," said Assembly Speaker democrat Karen Bass. Responsible for quality puppet shows at libraries, freeway on-ramps, and prisons, the department has issued orders downsizing marionettes and eliminating entirely the popular sock puppet division. "Losing sock puppets is like losing an old friend," said puppetry worker Adolph Tyne. "Not necessarily a friend who was old in years, but one whom you liked and saw on a regular, non-sexual basis. Maybe even a friend with button eyes, if there is such a thing. I'm so sad I want to sob like an old weepy crone." (Photo: www.buycostumes.com)

Man Uses Hitler Film to Make Funny YouTube Video

AMES, IA - Ed Capeheart has used a scene from the 2004 film Downfall to underscore his love of golf. The 41-year-old salesman has written English dialogue over a scene where Adolf Hitler rages in German at his generals. However, instead of screaming at their incompetence and disloyalty, Capeheart has made the Nazi dictator furious over Lee Westwood three-putting at the British Open and missing a chance at the playoffs. "I threw in a bunch of swear words, then uploaded it to YouTube," said Capeheart. Capeheart's effort is the first British Open, golf-themed use of the German-Austrian Downfall and becomes only the 1,328th YouTube video employing the same scene. "It's catchy," added Capeheart. "Is there, like, an award for these?" (Photo: freebooksource.info)

Pope Breaks Wrist Punching Heretics

NORTHERN ITALY - A report has surfaced that Pope Benedict XVI did not break his right wrist in a fall, but, instead, shattered the bone punching out a progressive delegation from a Catholic Church in Berkeley, California. "He didn't slip," said Papal spokesman Cardinal Tosco La Vallette. "He hit people - one, two, take that." According to witnesses, the altercation erupted after the three-person delegation insisted the Pope change the Mass to incorporate the phrase, "Hey, Man, it's all good." Cardinal La Vallette said, "I thought he might cuff them across the face with one slap like 'The Three Stooges,' but no - everybody got a solid shot." La Vallette felt papal feistiness stemmed from high spirits following Brock Lesnar's recent UFC 100 victory over Frank Mir. "The Pope was pulling for Lesnar because he doesn't like trash talk," said the Cardinal. "And Mir really woofed it. But now that the heavyweight belt is unified, the pontiff is happy."

Shuttle - Space Station Picnic Fails

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION - After successfully linking up, the crews of the space shuttle Endeavour and the International Space Station were forced to cancel the first ever outer space picnic. "Endeavour forgot charcoal," said NASA spokesperson Fred Geepen. "And NASA has a policy about not cooking hog dogs over the shuttle's exhaust." Slated to take place outside, Geepen said attempts to play games such as Frisbee and a water balloon toss had to be abandoned. "Everything just floated the hell off - except the keg. They fought for that." Geepen admitted the idea wasn't totally thought out. "Apparently, gravity and oxygen play a much bigger role in picnics than we imagined. In any case, science is all about pushing boundaries. Or having a spokesman's job. I thought crews should play basketball and do all these cool zero gravity dunk shots, but I was ignored. " (Photo:www.logical-link.com)

Blood-Drenched Man Questioned in Homicides

Granite City, N.H. - Police have detained a blood-drenched man, carrying a bloody ax as a suspect in a double homicide. "The deceased were killed with an ax," said Detective Angelo Martino. "The suspect was carrying an ax with a human lung stuck on the blade. We found this suspicious." In addition, the suspect claimed to be the killer, but police wish more time to investigate. "People often confess to crimes they never committed," said Martino. "This is because certain individuals are sick or stupid. If this man is the murderer, he'll be charged. If not, we'll return his bag of heads and he can go his merry way." (Photo:thebsreport.wordpress.com)

Sotomayor On Cover of Dumpy Judge Quarterly

LANSING, MI - In the midst of confirmation hearings, Sonia Sotomayor can notch another first as she becomes the only Latina to grace the cover of Dumpy Judge Quarterly. Devoted to dumpy-looking judges, their insights, passions, and rulings, the magazine has traditionally chosen rumpled white men, jowly black men, and frumpy black and white women. "This is a first for the Hispanic community," said editor Enoch Radwin. "But she almost didn't make the cut." According to Radwin, the editorial board was split between Sotomayor and a circuit court judge whose unkempt hair stood up like Stan Laurel's. "He looked like he'd been asleep for fifteen years. Judging by his rulings, we're not overlooking the possibility, but Sotomayor is historic and "Dumpy Judge" has always been in the fore front of leaping on popular bandwagons."

Clooney Series Depicts U.S. Business as Corrupt

HOLLYWOOD, CA - HBO plans airing a new series depicting capitalism as corrupt and middle-class values as hypocritical and mean-spirited. "It's about time someone had the courage to tackle these issues," said HBO spokeperson Lana Grubner-Wise. Called Stinking Suburban Businessman, the series depicts the life of married office worker Toby White, portrayed by George Clooney. White is always seen wearing an American flag pin on his suit lapel. Episode one shows Toby on a coffee break, listening to right wing talk radio and having sex with his secretary who must call him "El Rushbo." Later, Toby and a Republican congressman sell firearms to a Mexican drug cartel. Afterwards, Toby goes home and beats his wife and children with a rubber hose, before attending Bible study where his church plans smearing decent, honest gays who oppose Prop 8. "This is hot button stuff on topics no one in Hollywood will touch," said Grubner-Wise, who added, "Hopefully, other cable channels and networks will follow suit and we can spread the truth. That's what caring artists do."(Photo: blogs.nyu.edu)

Four Horsemen of Apocalypse Order Electric Cars

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL - Noted forerunners of destruction, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be trading in stallions for electric cars. "We've ordered the 2012 Ford Focus," said Conquest. "Full electric. That's after a lot of blah blah over hybrids." Famine said the switch occurred after recent studies showed methane from horse apples harmed the environment. "Because we're destroying the world doesn't mean we ignore green issues." War agreed, though he said choosing a color was tough. "For centuries we've ridden the same color horses, now everyone wants a new shade." Conquest nodded in agreement. "I finally said, 'Everyone's getting the same thing: Sangria Red, charcoal interior, cloth seats, and Synch Voice Technology.' That way we can drive, hold onto hourglasses, and still change the radio." Death disapproved of the switch. "The end of the world is supposed to be, like, a secret? But we're ordering cars for 2012. Guess when the world's gonna end? Smart, huh?"(Photo: www.equalismactivism.com & dealerrevs.com)

Demonstrator Discovers War is the Answer

SEATTLE, WA - Sipping a Starbucks' Frappuccino near a busy intersection, Alan Frederick gazed at the traffic. "Once that whole street was filled with anti-war demonstrators. There would be giant Bush puppets with devil horns and Hitler moustaches, men on stilts dressed as Uncle Sam, signs saying, "Stop War Now," die-ins, naked bike rides for peace." Sighing deeply, Frederick explained, "Many of us changed our whole outlook once Barack Obama became president. We realized that with a smart man in charge of the war, war must be smart, too. It creates jobs, teaches valuable skills to young people, and kills people who, frankly, need killing." Frederick tossed his cup in the trash. "It's not cool anymore to demonstrate against war. And that's not a bad thing. Especially the naked bike rides for peace. You'd see things that left a mark."" (Photo: conprotantor.blogspot.com)

North Korea Names Missile After Michael Jackson

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Kim Il Sung announced that a new, medium-range missile will be named in honor of the late pop star Michael Jackson. "We are calling it the 'Pillbelly' because his belly was filled with many pills of different colors." Pillbelly tests are scheduled for mid-August at a time when experts believe media coverage of Michael Jackson will be at its peak. "We will join with the world in honoring this great man who enjoyed many colorful pills," said Kim Il Sung. "And maybe we'll incinerate Guam."" (Photo: govtfailure.com)

Angry Pedophiles Rally for Postage Stamp

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Following remarks by Al Sharpton, the nation's pedophiles held a turbulent demonstration demanding a postage stamp. "We all deserve that stamp, not just Michael Jackson," said spokesperson Edward Littlehand. "Jackson was singled out because of star power. But is that fair? If I have "kid-friendly" fun, I get the county lock-up and a thousand cons trying to shank me. Jackson does it and ends up with a Congressional moment of silence, wall-to-wall media coverage, the Staples Center, and a stamp. Maybe give Jackson the post card stamp and award the rest of us First Class letter." Littlehand praised Sharpton for raising the issue, but stated the pedophile community was keeping its distance. "Associating with Al Sharpton might make us look bad."" (Photo: johnsonmatel.com)

Alger Hiss Prize Awarded to Myers

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Under house arrest, State Department spy Walter Myers was delighted to learn he'd won the coveted Alger Hiss Prize. "You work your whole life and, finally, your peers recognize you," said Myers. "I'm speechless until such time as my attorney arrives." Presented annually to the federal employee who spies for a communist government, the winner must have engaged in espionage for ideological reasons. "If you took cash, take a hike," said award chairman Mao Braverman. "We want candidates like Ana Belen Montes (2001 winner), who ratted out four U.S. agents to Havana while working at the Defense Intelligence Agency. That's the sort of forward-thinking initiative we value." Braverman said Hiss competition was stiff this year, following the unmasking of several Chinese agents, but Myers led the pack. "He spied for Cuba, then sailed his yacht around, ragging on capitalism. With an attitude like that, he could've been mayor of San Francisco or Kevin Spacey." Along with the Hiss award — a forty-pound iron slab containing a pen holder — Myers will receive a Beria wall calender, showing the KGB chief beating dissidents with a trench shovel, and a radio made of coal. (Photo: www.authentichistory.com)

Olbermann Replaced by 'Road Warrior' Feral Kid

NEW YORK CITY, NY - MSNBC's Countdown has a new host, the Feral Kid from The Road Warrior. With former anchor Keith Olbermann unable to dent FOX ratings, executives admit they're excited over the change. "The Kid has no news background, but then neither does Keith," said MSNBC executive Karla Reeves-Wangit. "If all Feral Kid does is grunt and howl at images of Mitch McConnell, we'll be about the same ratings-wise." However Reeves-Wangit believes the Kid's youth and off-beat skill sets can draw in the key demographic and, hopefully, challenge for the time slot."The Feral Kid can kill psycho nomads with a boomerang and imitate a wolf. Right there, he's a skill ahead of Keith, who was only a sportscaster."  (Photo: xzackly.com)

Joe Jackson Clogs Sewage Treatment Plant

LOS ANGELES, CA - An attempt to remove scum from Michael Jackson's father failed after Joe Jackson damaged the primary sedimentation tank at the Silverlake Waste Management Facility. Said Jackson family spokesperson Armand Daley, "Joe caught some bad press for using Michael's death to promote his new record company. We thought we'd clean him up a little before the funeral." Plant supervisor Xavier Escoto said, "Jackson was placed in the tank, but when the skimming arm tried to scrape off the sludge, it jammed, then broke. It wasn't meant to handle that kind of load." Daley said Jackson filmed the operation and will be selling copies at Michael's funeral. "So it worked out anyhow."(Photo: www.theinsider.com)

Feds Launch Fantasy Camp

ALEXANDRIA, VA - Ever wanted to disperse billions of dollars, without consequences, while supervising a staff larger than a college football team? If so, you can still register for the U.S. Government's first annual Fed Fantasy Camp. Held in a thicket of offices across the river from Washington, D.C., and funded by the stimulus package, the camp delivers average taxpayers a chance to live like powerful federal bureacrats. "Our goal is to take two weeks and mirror the life of a Civil Service GS-20," said Bale Hapsburg, federal official-in-charge. Activities slated are buying and losing large items such as jet aircraft and multi-million dollar computer systems, losing small items such as laptops containing the SSN for all Americans living west of the Mississippi, and not showing up for camp the whole two-weeks but receiving full pay and benefits. Registration is on-line at fedfantasy.gov, whenever the website functions. Hapsburg stated unused fantasy funds will pay for government leadership seminars in Monaco and Las Vegas. "We hope every camper takes home the motto of the federal bureaucracy, 'This is sweet.'"(Photo: cgi.ebay.com.my)