Unemployment Drops After Jobless Renamed 'Leisure Americans'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At his upcoming Jobs Summit, President Obama will announce a major fall in unemployment from 10.2 to 1 percent, brought about by renaming the jobless 'Leisure Americans.' "This is a huge step forward in solving the unemployment crisis," said White House spokesperson Miller Allen. "By shaping language to make it appear people have voluntarily left work so as to devote more time to personal activities, the President has met the challenge head-on." Miller also boasted that the homeless problem has been eradicated following an executive order by the president abolishing urban outdoor sleeping. "Boom. Gone. I wonder why no one thought of this before?" In related news, the State Department has renamed 10 new Iranian enrichment plants as 'tanning salons.' (Photo: money.aol.com)

Adam Lambert Guest Stars on Sesame Street

NEW YORK CITY, NY - American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert caused a sensation with his bawdy performance on a recent episode of Sesame Street, leading to thousands of parental complaints. During Murray's Word on the Street segment the gay glam rocker refused to interact and, instead, shoved Murray's face into his crotch. Later, Lambert dry humped Bert and Ernie, planted a full facial kiss on the Count, and attempted to press amyl nitrite and a hotel key into the hand of the Cookie Monster. Adam Lambert was defiant. "I'm a gay man and a gay entertainer. Anyone who doesn't like what I do is homophobic." The popular PBS educational program admitted they made a terrible mistake in casting Lambert. "We thought he'd have fun with the Muppets and sing a cute song," said a PBS spokesperson who requested anonymity. "But this was real seedy." (Photo: hollywooddame.com & mommyreporter.com)

White House Turkey Leaves Behind Family, Dreams

WASHINGTON, D.C. - At an undisclosed facility, the turkey chosen for dinner by President Obama spent its last hours with family and friends. At midnight Eastern Time, the turkey had all its feathers pulled off before being led down a long hall to a room where it was strapped to a gurney. With barnyard sounds being piped in, an IV line was inserted into a wing. As witnesses looked on, the turkey received an injection of a powerful barbiturate before a Secret Service Agent with an ax chopped of its head, leaving the turkey flopping lifelessly on the gurney. A doctor pronounced the turkey dead, before consigning it to portly men in tall white chef hats. According to farmers familiar with the bird, it seemed destined for fowl greatness, with a mindless attitude and a wattle second to none. Whatever dreams it once had are now as still as its big-wattled head. Later today, the carcass will be cooked, prepared and served as Thanksgiving dinner to the First Family. Dine well, Mr. President. And when you reach the wishbone, don't wish for the passage of government-run healthcare. WISH FOR A HEART!! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. (Photo: improbable.com)

Darwin Took Ideas from 'Evolution for Imbeciles'

LONDON, UK - New evidence has surfaced that Charles Darwin stole his idea on natural selection from an 1858 book entitled Evolution for Imbeciles. Researchers at the University of Sussex have uncovered correspondence between Darwin and 'Imbeciles' author Mayhew Tibbs. In the letters, Darwin admitted to having no clue how life progressed: "It's all so frightfully complicated. Did I tell you? I shot a turtle down in the Galapagos with a small cannon. The beggar exploded like crockery." Tibbs suggested Darwin say life evolved through luck and family connections, much like Tibbs himself. However, Darwin, under pressure to publish something, poached Tibbs' theory of natural selection and printed On the Origin of Species. He then had Tibbs framed for fondling a carriage, a serious crime back then. By the time Tibbs emerged from prison, Darwin had published a second edition of 'Orgin' and left him a note: "One day, they'll invent something called a 'telephone.' When they do, don't call me." Tibbs moved to Scotland, where he constructed a small gallows which he used to execute mice after an brief trial, much to the amusement of children and the approval of local adults. In his later years, Darwin grew remorseful. In a letter to H.G. Wells, the scientist wrote, "What a cad I am! For a theory, I totally destroyed Tibbs. I should feel miserable, if I weren't so keen to give eugenics a go. Send me any spare Irish you may have lying around the house." (Photo: americamagazine.org)

Newsweek Merges with Highlights For Children

COLUMBUS, OH - As part of a market expansion, The Washington Post Company has purchased Highlights for Children. Said Post Company spokesperson Lillian St. Francis, "We're blending the style and layout of Highlights with the impartial journalistic insight of Newsweek." St. Francis said the new publication, Newsweek Highlights, would feature fun, fact-filled pages designed to keep the old readership while reaching out to attract busy children. Editor-in-Chief Evan Thomas is reportedly working on the new layout. "We're delighted with Evan's measured approach," said St. Francis. For instance, Goofus and Gallant will teach social skills by showing George W. Bush and Barack Obama performing the same action two different ways. Headwork features simple questions for kids written by Eleanor Clift, including such teasers as: 'Is Sarah Palin evil or stupid and evil?' And, of course, the back page of every issue will showcase What's Wrong? with readers searching a picture of children at play for objects that don't fit such as free enterprise, low taxes, or signs critical of President Obama. (Photos: onceuponawin.com & samuelatgilgal...)

Hadron Collider Ready For Next Glitch

SWITZERLAND - Back in operation after a year of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider is ready to begin breaking down again. According to Director Gustav Hertzel of the European Organization for Nuclear Research, "The collider is a complicated machine that operates in a 17-mile long tunnel at a temperature of 271 degrees below zero Celisus. At an energy of 14 trillion electron volts, it generates almost a billion collisions per second between protons. I have no idea what any of that means, but it is very difficult to maintain and breaks down a lot." Hertzel frankly admitted the experimental potential of the LHC, and its ultimate value to science, was overstated. "This device was specifically designed to break down. Then it was designed to be fixed by people working lots of overtime and weekends at double time. One of them is my brother-in-law. Another is a cousin. Then there are the scientists, waiting for the LHC to operate correctly. Hapless fools. They should've learned to fix LHC's." (Photo: newsbiscuit.com)

Women, Weak Men Drawn to 'New Moon'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Breaking box office records on Friday, Twilight sequel New Moon continued to pack movie houses with an audience composed primarily of women and non assertive men. The vampire romance, starring Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart, has conducted extensive audience tracking revealing a high proportion of male weaklings. "We're seeing a lot of guys who've never asked for a raise," said theater owner Casey Gilmore, a former paratrooper. "Guys who are guilt-tripped into helping someone move every weekend." According to audience statistics, 17 percent of New Moon male attendees were regular men hoping to win girlfriend points. An additional 4 percent were gay or metrosexual, distinguished from weak men by Banana Republic clothing. The remaining 79 percent of men watched the film because they were manipulated, bullied, or simply suffered from general weakness and ended up at New Moon the way water seeks its own level. "I like weakies," said Gilmore. "You can tell 'em to clean up the theater afterwards and they will. That leaves more time for our regular employees to steal." (Photo: soundonsight.org)

Cthulhu Favors Public Option

R'LYEH, PACIFIC OCEAN - Great Old One Cthulhu leans toward a public option in the ongoing healthcare debate. "Though in no way human, I believe it's a basic human right for people to have good-quality, medical coverage." Pausing to crush a small vessel filled with screaming sailors, the colossal entity continued, "And to make that happen, you need a large entity like the government to wade in. Of course, there will be many new taxes, plus rationing to hold down costs." Cthulhu paused, staring off into the distance, sending out thought waves that would drive artists and sensitive folk mad on a half-dozen continents. "But that's the price a civilized nation pays for universal care." Leaning back against the wall of a strange, titanic temple constructed using non-Euclidean geometry, Cthulhu tugged thoughtfully at his facial tentacles. "But without getting all high and mighty, the healthcare argument doesn't really interest me. Once the stars align and we [Great Old Ones] return to rule earth, we're gonna crush everything and eat everybody, so get the government involved...or not. I roll either way." (Photo: roberthood.net)

Oprah Ends Talk Show, Starts New Talk Show

CHICAGO, IL - Megastar Oprah Winfrey's talk show will end in 2011, coinciding with the start date for her newest project: hosting a comedy talk show. Said Danby Helix of Winfrey's Harpo Productions, "This is just the latest step in the ongoing creative dynamo known as Oprah Winfrey. The new venue, Oprah's Crazy Afternoon, will showcase her lighter side, featuring puppet co-hosts, sketch comedy with midgets, a weekly pie fight, and taped remote segments with Chaz Bono." According to Helix, Winfrey has always had a zany streak. "New Age guru Eckhart Tolle was on once to promote The Power of Now. Oprah kept pressing her palms against her mouth and blowing, making this blatting fart sound. Then she'd feign shock, turn on Ekhart and call him 'gas bag' and 'stink machine.' She kept that up for 9 or 10 minutes until the studio audience became so quiet you could hear cells divide. But I laughed the whole time, and being on staff had nothing to do with it." (Photo: tornpaige.com)

Army Ignored Hasan Beheadings

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A memo leaked from Walter Reed Medical Center revealed that Nidal Hasan beheaded numerous people in different incidents ignored by Army brass. Dated March 3, 2007, the memo from Hasan's supervisor at Walter Reed was addressed to the Credentials Committee. It read: "Subject: Cpt. Nidal Hasan - The faculty has serious concerns about Cpt. Hasan's professionalism and commitment to duty in that he has twice carried a large sword into the commissary and, while screaming 'Allahu Akbar,' beheaded personal eating pork rinds or BLT sandwiches. In addition, Cpt. Hasan has used a different large sword to behead a colleague for refusing to convert to Islam. This was done during a seminar and disrupted a Powerpoint presentation on depression. Cpt. Hasan's actions demonstrate poor judgement and behaviour inappropriate to an officer. We feel he may need counseling." A Pentagon spokesman downplayed the memo, stating, "His large swords were always confiscated. And, by the way, they weren't 'swords.' They were scimitars. Somebody flubbed a few details." (Photo: elfwood.com)

U.S. To Supply Workers for Chinese Railroads

BEIJING, CHINA - In talks with President Hu, Barack Obama has promised the Chinese government a steady supply of Americans to perform manual labor on the Chinese railroad system. Initial reports state the work force will be drawn from the unemployed and opponents of the President's healthcare initiative. While details have not been finalized, the Americans will be paid substandard wages, housed in shanties, worked like dogs, and, periodically, killed by drunken Chinese citizens. And while the workers will be supervised by Chinese, a portion of their meager pay goes directly to the Service Employees International Union who will help the Yanks fill out absentee ballots. "Instead of beating our chests, we listened thoughtfully with respect and the results are overseas jobs for Americans," said White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs. "Not only will the Chinese continue to underwrite our debt, but they're throwing in straw coolie hats free-of-charge. Now that's smart diplomacy." (Photo: lssu.edu)

Leonid Meteor Shower Brings Blindness, Carnivorous Plants

WASHINGTON, D.C. - NASA announced that anyone watching last night's Leonid meteor show could find themselves blind and at the mercy of man-eating plants growing from alien seeds shed by the 55/P Tempel-Tuttle comet. NASA spokesperson Jackson Perry said, "There's some element in the [Leonid] meteors that burns out the human optic nerve. We're not sure what, only that the effects are permanent. As for the alien seeds, they quickly grow to plants around 11 or 12 feet tall that can shuffle along the ground, and eat anything they catch. Unfortunately, blind people are easy prey and so they eat a lot of them." Perry stated all NASA personal were warned in advance and took adequate precautions to avoid looking at the night sky. "We're fine," said Perry. "We only wish we'd had time to warn the general public. But something came up and we didn't. Our bad." Perry advised any citizens blinded to cling to a sighted person and compel them to serve you either via threats or guilt. "Otherwise, you're plant food." (Photo: irvinehousingblog.com)

Obama Apologizes For Nanking

BEIJING, CHINA - As a favor to Japan's Emperor Akihito, President Barack Obama assumed full responsibility for the brutal 1937 Japanese occupation of Nanking and apologized to Chinese President Hu Jintao. "America's actions were the inexcusable actions of a rogue state: aerial bombardment of a helpless city, executing civilians, sinking of the American gunboat Panay, and the mass rape and slaughter of Chinese women. For these crimes, perpetrated by past administrations, I offer my humblest and most sincere apologies." Xinhua News Agency did not state Hu's response, however their report included remarks by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "A few days back, President Obama had just finished apologizing to Akihito for Pearl Harbor. Since he was visiting China next, the President was asked by the Emperor if he'd mind apologizing for Nanking and the whole 1937 to 1945 war. In Asia, accepting another country's war crimes is considered culturally sensitive. It was the neighborly thing to do." As a gift, the Emperor presented the President an iPod containing Akihito's 18 greatest speeches, all in Japanese, and a boxed VHS set of Kurosawa films in Secam format. (Photo: democraticunderground.com)

Olympic Committee Adds Egg and Spoon Run

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND - The International Olympic Committee has approved the egg and spoon run for the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. Once relegated to company picnics and school carnivals, the event features runners covering various distances clenching a spoon in which they must balance an egg. Should the egg fall out and break, the runner is disqualified. Vim Meyers, committee spokesperson, elaborated: "If the egg falls but the runner is able to make a catch and replace it in the spoon unbroken, then it will be considered proper and legal." Though the distances have yet to be finalized, it is believed there will be a five kilometer, ten kilometer and marathon (42 kilometer) egg and spoon run. "I believe this sport will erase East African dominance and make distance running more competitive. Unless the Kenyans practice with ostrich eggs. Then they will win." Meyers vehemently denied rumors of an egg and spoon sprint triathlon. "Please, this is the Olympics. Let's not make it a joke." (Photo: middlebury.edu)

Bollywood Remakes 'Good Night, And Good Luck'

MUMBAI, INDIA - In a surprise choice, Dharma Productions has begun filming a remake of George Clooney's Good Night, And Good Luck . The 2005 Oscar-nominated story of CBS journalist Edward R. Murrow's defiance of Senator Joseph McCarthy is being helmed by veteran Bollywood ace VikramBhatt, director of such films as Ankahee and Ghulam. "Of course, my version will be in color," laughed Bhatt. "And there will be a love story with twins, lots of singing plus dance numbers mixing Bhangra folk with a little funk." Starring Aamir Khan as Murrow, Bhatt figures his film will run a little over three hours with intermission. "It's a masala film - real spicy. We've added some disapproving parents and a big martial arts fight in the Senate because the original is, perhaps, a bit talky and slow." Bhatt believes his film, due out in summer 2010, will be a commercial hit and is negotiating for the rights to remake the 1978 film, Reds. "Many famous actors, but, oh my, do they ever talk; no real music and no mix-up with twins. I'll fix that." (Photo: menumagazine.co.uk)

NEA Funds 'Document Show'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Chairman Rocco Landesman announced the National Endowment for the Arts would underwrite The Document Show. Set to air this winter on PBS, the new, hour-long weekly program would feature government documents flipping across the screen, underscored by rap music. "We're not your father's NEA," quipped Landesman. "Our first program showcased the 1974 Waterways and Fisheries Act, set to the music of Scarface and the Geto Boys." When asked about the entertainment or educational value of obscure documents zipping past, Landesman shrugged. "The government is alot like Brewster's Millions: spend it fast or have funding cut in the future. I didn't think it possible, but I'm running out of stuff to spend it on. Maybe it's just the pressure." Landesman mentioned several additional NEA projects including an animated series based on the popular children's book, Peter the Nearsighted Cyclops, and a six-hour environmental special describing a world in which the earth's most energetic global warming activists vanished. "Can you imagine no one talking about sustainability and carbon footprints? How scary is that?" (Photo: cdphe.state.co.us)

Obama Links Troop Increase to Leno Ratings

HOLLYWOOD, CA - NBC sources confirmed that President Barack Obama linked Afghan troop reinforcement to ratings of The Jay Leno Show. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source stated, "About a month ago, we started getting calls from the White House asking for Leno's overnights. Somebody here knows Kal Penn from the Harold and Kumar films. They called him in Washington and he [Penn] said the White House didn't have a clue on Afghanistan. And that, somehow, they'd tied the war to The Jay Leno Show and would reinforce if Leno broke 5 million viewers during November Sweeps." On Monday, Leno's ratings dipped to barely over 4 million, walloped by new episodes of CSI: Miami and Castle on CBS and ABC respectively. Two days later, news leaked that the President rejected all current troop options. "He's getting cold feet," said the source. "Unless Leno can pull off a miracle, we'll probably surrender to the Taliban before Christmas. If I were the military, I'd set Hugh Grant up with another prostitute. Better make it two. And one of them should be a monkey." (Photo: scrapetv.com)

Church Holds Conference on Alien Life, Bingo Discussed

VATICAN CITY, ITALY - Catholic Church officials presented the results of an astrobiology conference discussing the possibility of life on other planets and whether that life played games of chance such as bingo. Said Fr. Carlos Remy of the Vatican Observatory, "If intelligent beings exist in outer space it's entirely possible they have developed games involving randomly drawn numbers. Perhaps they use cards made out of alien metal and, instead of corn, mark their places with space diamonds." Scientist Ben Francis of the University of Arizona agreed. "Part of Mankind's hubris has been a sort of 'bingocentrism.' We automatically discount the idea that other beings might engage in soft gambling to win a new space vehicle or a family trip to the Crab Nebula." In addition, the conference also discussed alien pot-luck suppers, allowing that celestial beings might use exotic minerals and gases to create their casseroles. (Photo: mcsweeneys.net)

Supreme Court Punches, Kicks D.C. Sniper

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Slated to die this evening in Virginia, D.C. Sniper John Allen Muhammad was not only denied a final emergency appeal, but was brought before the Supreme Court and physically attacked. According to Muhammad's attorney, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg struck their client with an index to the Federal Register while Justice Clarence Thomas delivered a roundhouse kick to the face that floored the killer. Before he could rise, the other justices fell upon Muhammad, stomping him for masterminding the killing and wounding of 22 people nationwide in 2002. Justice Sonia Sotomayor attempted to cram a bacon sandwich into Muhammad's mouth but was stopped by Justice John Paul Stevens who stated it was his lunch. "Total ferocity," said a law clerk who wished to remain anonymous. "Sometimes they're sarcastic and arch, but I've never seen such an awesome beat-down. I can't wait to see what happens when they finally get Nidal Malik Hasan." (Photo: hosted.ap.org)

Wall's Fall Depresses Van Jones

OAKLAND, CA - Inside Woody's Ale House, the television showed German crowds celebrating the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall while Van Jones sobbed quietly at the bar. "That wall kept socialism pure," he sniffled. "Once it fell, goodness fell too." The former communist Green Jobs Czar bemoaned the collapse of the Soviet Union and its satellite East Germany. "Mankind drifts aimlessly now, without the hope of a better tomorrow. And what do we do? We watch as a good man named Mumia Abu-Jamal is framed for cop-killing, deprived of everything except an NPR radio career and the love of Ed Asner. And, of course, we watch George Bush destroy the Twin Towers so concrete dust would blow into New Jersey and Dick Cheney could sell them Haliburton air filters." Jones downed another Alabama Slammer, cursed the bartender for skimping on the amaretto, ordered another, then bellowed, "I wish I were dog poop in Cuba!" When his drink arrived, he chugged it, then staggered out the door, bound for Berkeley. There would be no Cuba tonight for a sad Van Jones. But with Telegraph Avenue nearby, he had something very close: dirty, hopeless people living in poverty in a one-party town. That was the dream Jones had for Mankind - excluding the revolutionary vanguard and their girlfriends. That was the dream that once lived, so long ago, in far-off place called Berlin. (Photos: idiots4obama.blogspot.com&swamppolitics.com)

Rare Giant Stingray Vulnerable to Depth Charges

TOFO, MOZAMBIQUE - Marine biologists have learned that rare smalleye stingrays are extremely vulnerable to exploding depth charges. These graceful ocean giants, two meters across, cannot handle severe detonations and will float to the surface dead. A joint U.S.-British expedition aboard a British frigate divided the sea around Manta Reef into grid squares, then dropped depth charges. Marine biologist Kevin Peterman, a researcher at Scripps Research Institute in La Jolla, CA, stated the expedition used old World War II Mark IX's loaded with 200 pounds of Torpex, setting the fuses for varying depths. "Clearly, all the rays that floated to the surface were killed by the blasts as well as some other fish, several of which were new species previously undiscovered." Peterman believed undersea explosions were the future of marine biology. "With cuts in funding, a depth charge eliminates the need to dive by blasting everything topside, right next to your boat. It's like pizza delivery, only every order has anchovies." (Video: cgoble72)

Stimulus Funds Jihad, Counts as 'Jobs Created'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Vice-President Joe Biden announced the Stimulus Package will fund domestic jihad operations conducted by Islamic terrorists, counting them as 'jobs created.' Biden explained, "Suppose you loath the Great Satan America, but can't afford guns, ammunition, or C4 to kill infidels and martyr yourself. By using stimulus money to purchase such items, you've got a seat on the Jihad Express. I'd call that a 'job created.'" In addition, the vice president noted that additional jobs are created or saved among gun shop retail clerks, police and emergency medical personal, funeral directors, CAIR spokesmen and media anchors who use the word 'backlash.'" Biden was dismissive of critics who felt underwriting terrorists was 'bad policy.' "That hateful attitude could insult the Saudis who lend us the money in the first place. Besides, this is government. How do you not spend billions?" (Photo: proudatheists.wordpress.com)

Robber Blames Spree on 'Band of Brothers' PTSD

PALMYRA, NJ - A man arrested for robbing four stores in a mini-mall blamed his actions on PTSD, acquired after seeing Band of Brothers. Dillon Malone told police that after viewing the last episode of the popular World War II mini-series, he felt tense and anxious. Malone's attorney, Victor Angeletti stated, "Let's face it: watching several hours of combat in the European Theater is no picnic. Malone's symptoms are classic post-traumatic-stress-disorder such as you only observe in combat veterans." Malone has numerous convictions for armed robbery, burglary, and theft, as well as an expensive meth amphetamine habit. He was overheard telling tavern patrons that when he needed money he just took it at gunpoint. However, Angeletti cautioned against a rush to judgement. "There's no way we'll ever know what triggered my client's outburst. But clearly PTSD was in the mix, accelerated by an inadequate health care system that ignores the needs of our nation's second-hand veterans." (Photo: gracefellowshipchurch.com)

Muslim Major Shoots Up Base, Media Target Amish

FT. HOOD, TX - A Muslim army officer who admired Islamic suicide bombers and handed out Korans is in custody for shooting fellow soldiers as the media focus on the Amish. NBC and CBS news crews descended on Lancaster, PA, hoping to unearth clues linking Major Nidal Malik Hasan to the Mennonites, an obscure Christian sect. "There was nothing noteworthy in his [Major Malik Hasan's] background," said CBS anchor Katie Couric. "Nothing points to a motive for attacking his own men." And while Malik Hasan was upset over the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and had been warned by superiors to stop proselytizing Islam, Couric felt the answers lay in the Pennsylvania Dutch country. "Horses, quilts and bonnets have been known to cause madness," she stated. "That madness can seep into hand-made furniture or various jellies. It's entirely possible Major Malik Hasan may have eaten tainted Christian jam, brought to Ft. Hood by a soldier returning from leave. That jam caused him to behave violently. Otherwise, we'll probably blame tea parties and Glenn Beck." (Photo: galenfrysinger.com)

San Francisco Rejects Hetrosexual Marriage

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - A controversial city ballot measure expanding the definition of marriage to include a man and a woman was defeated yesterday by a wide margin. Supporters were disappointed, having raised tens of thousands of dollars from companies such as Crate and Barrel and the The Pottery Barn who had hoped to cash in on new business. "Our fight has just begun,"said measure supporter Dennis Oswald. "We're taking this to the streets." Oswald vowed he and others would commit acts of civil disobedience by blowing whistles at the November Sing-A-Long Sound of Music at the Castro Theatre, and sounding air horns during the Donna Summer medley at the Mary-Go-Round Drag Show. (Photo: masonryan.wordpress.com)

Obama Blames Bush for Democrat Losses

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Annoyed over GOP victories in Virginia and New Jersey, President Obama blamed his party's defeats on former President George W. Bush. "Somehow Bush made mean things happen, like he usually does," said the President. "Make no mistake: he runs around and fills the air with bad juice." Asked about New Jersey where the president campaigned hard for Governor Jon Corzine, Obama responded, "Bush told us Corzine had a substantial lead. Clearly, he lied again. And we fell for it." When questioned about the Virginia governor's race, Obama laughed, "Isn't it clear? Bush filled the air with bad juice and a Democrat lost. Anyone who says different is not telling the truth." In addition, President Obama blamed Bush for the Thirty Year's War, the eruption of Krakatoa, and the last two seasons of The Sopranos. (Photo: hydarblog.wordpress.com)

Al Gore Promotes Waterless Toilet

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Environmental businessman Al Gore recently invested in the Log Jam Waterless Commode, a toilet relying on dung beetles to devour waste. Manufactured by Aqua Frei Corporation, the toilet is touted as savings millions of gallons lost daily to unnecessary flushes. Said Aqua Frei President Alan Millstone, "Do your business, press a button, and big beetles drop down into the bowl and eat up everything in twelve hours or less. These beetles are rigorously trained not to leave the tank, or, if they do, not venture very far." Gore invested 35 million dollars into Aqua Frei, believing passionately in the company's green approach. Congress has already taken up legislation that would mandate Log Jam Waterless Commodes in airports, national park gift shops, and the Smithsonian. When asked if he would replace his home's flush toilets with the Log Jam, the former vice-president sadly declined. "First, let the American people experience the benefits of smart, green technology. I'll suffer with the old toilet for now." (Photo:goliathus.com)

H1N1 Vaccine Available in Vending Machines

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Concerned about paying for universal healthcare and determined to make swine flue vaccine available to all, Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius discovered a compromise: place the vaccine in vending machines. "H1N1 swine flue vaccine will be loaded into refrigerated vending machines located in subways, airports, and bus stations," said Sebelius. "It's like buying a Coke. Put in ninety-four cents, press a button and obtain a disposable syringe. Inject yourself and have a wonderful day." Sebelius stated cash from the machines will be used to buy office equipment for new government agencies that will sprout up in the wake of affordable healthcare for all. "It's coming," said Sebelius. "Not for me or anyone who works for Uncle Sam, or for rich people, or unions, but it's coming for you." H1N1 vaccine vending machines will also carry Dots, red licorice vines, Mountain Dew, condoms, and stamps. Sebelius begged the public to "please not tip the machines if your syringe doesn't deploy. It's a safety hazard." (Photo: teeeph.net)

Marathon Ends Without A Heart-Warming Story

GREEK FIRE, NH - The thirty-second annual Greek Fire Marathon ended today without a single heart-warming story. Race Director Jerry Muscoggin was at a loss to explain. "Bad luck, I guess. We had a guy with a rare disease all set to run, but he got food poisoning at a pasta party last night. Then we had this woman running to raise money for insomnia, but she won big in the lottery and slept in. Then there was a father-son team who were running in honor of father and son teams everywhere, but they argued at a water station around Mile 15 and stormed off the course." Muscoggin stated no wheelchair participants enrolled and several runners with artificial legs qualified for New York City and elected to run that marathon instead of Greek Fire. "Our blind runner got married and was on his honeymoon. So all we had were a bunch of healthy runners who trained and had good races and other runners who under-trained and had a miserable time. But nothing to warm your heart about. I hate to say it, but next year we might have to hire a professionally heart-warming person. You don't want to go that route, but why chance it two years in a row?" (Photo: travellanecounty.com)