Kennedy Seat Covered in Old Dip, Mai Tai Stains

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As newly elected Senator Scott Brown celebrated in Massachusetts, janitorial staff were hard at work cleaning former Senator Ted Kennedy's seat. "There's some kind of ranch dip embedded in the grain," said federal maintenance worker John Soo. "And Mai Tai spills have badly stained a chair leg. And there are animal bones. Many different kinds." Temporary Senator Paul G. Kirk, Jr. had refused to allow Soo to clean around the chair and desk. Said Kirk, "It's Ted Kennedy's seat. You don't Endust away history." Soo disagreed and hoped Brown would keep a clean work area. "Maybe he could bring crackers, but no animals. Ted Kennedy once brought a hot plate and tried to cook some kind of gull in a pot. It didn't go right."