Sunday, January 17, 2010

Letter From the Earth to Danny Glover

Dear Mr. Glover,
I have big underground plates that rub together. The big plate rubbing causes earthquakes. Not global warming and not some dorky meeting in Copenhagen.

Do I talk about the acting moments you missed in Bat 21? Do I talk about how Mel Gibson carried you on his back through the whole Lethal Weapon series? (You should kiss that man's hand for extending your career. )

Anyway, stop blaming things on global warming. It's not a threat to me, really. Relax, get out more, kiss a woman. I wish I could.

The Earth


Anonymous said...

Danny Glover blamed the earthquake in Haiti on global warming.

Pat Robertson blamed the earthquake in Haiti on a centuries-old pact made between Haitians and the devil.

They're both wrong.

The earthquake in Haiti should be blamed on the real culprit: the Carnival Cruise line. Here's what happened. Tourists climb on board those floating smorgasbords, eat and drink till they can no longer move, then once their cruise ship has docked in Haiti, the tourists relieve themselves into the ship's plumbing, and the cruise line dumps the contents of its septic tanks into the harbor. This concoction of human waste sinks to the ocean floor, where its toxic ingredients seep into the earth crust and afflicts the continent plates with a dreadful case of diarrhea. Boom! Earthquake city!

I'm pretty sure this is what happened.

Either that, or the earthquake came about because Haiti is actually God's "Etch-A-Sketch."

If so, toy manufacturer Ohio Arts should be held accountable.

BTW, the Earth writes a good letter.

Ling Carter said...

It's difficult to get the Earth to deliver copy on time.

Plus it doesn't like notes.

I corrected its grammar once and the next day my car was swallowed by a split in the street that opened and closed.

I had to take the bus home.

Now I print all earth notes as-is.

I just hope it doesn't curse or use bigoted language.