CHICAGO, IL- President Obama's stimulus package is eagerly awaited by an activist group that registers dead voters. "We're a voice to the voiceless," said Saul Pachinsky, chairman of the League of Zombie Voters. "The millions of federal dollars we'll receive will allow us [LZV] to expand the franchise to those previously denied because of life status." Pachinsky admits to a friendly rivalry with other community activist groups such as ACORN. "Sometimes we fight over the same dead person. But it's all in good fun." When questioned about the legality of his work, Pachinsky grew philosophic. "Whenever a person dies, they automatically become a Democrat and help the party out. Think of them as organ donors." (Photo: www.coolchaser.com)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - The wise, funny gay stereotype from countless TV series, films and plays has refused to act in protest over Proposition 8. "He worked all the time," said producer Gill McKay, creator of the sit-com, Witty Hip Urban People. "Without that stereotype, we'll have to create complicated gay characters who might even have some bad element." McKay worried over the immediate future. "We're in the middle of a production run. I know this fat gay guy in the blue eye-shadow who dresses like a nun and flashes people. We could get him cheap, but it's not gonna be the same." (Photo: jack.dyksen.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congress has been approached by an alien race, hoping for cash from the proposed stimulus package. Bzzort, a spokesalien for the Milky Way's Honn Empire, stated, "They [U.S. congress] are like a great money-throwing machine, famous throughout the galaxy. We'll use funding to complete our war against the hated Krem and purchase psychic wave shields for our oblong fighter craft. And maybe a few cases of sipping ammonia." However Treasury Secretary Timothey Geithner was quick to state, "This is no give-away. The Honn Empire will be closely regulated. I'll ensure the money is properly spent on disintegrating Krem and fighter craft upgrades, not wasted on sipping ammonia. That would be cheating." (Photo: www.internetbaypartneringevent.com)
SANTA BARBARA, CA - In a downtown courtroom, lawyers for the Bogeyman filed suit against the University of California Santa Barbara for libel and defamation of character. The suit specifically named the Political Science Department and Professor Clough Van Geiss, who was quoted in an L.A. Times article stating the War on Terror was nothing more than a bogeyman. "My client is sick and tired of having his name and occupation drug through the mud of partisan politics," stated attorney Gray Carrington. "And while he [Bogeyman] may inspire terror, it is purely personal, non-political and protected under Freedom of Expression." Professor Van Geiss refused all comment and, according to a university spokesperson, is "hiding under the covers with all the lights on until this thing blows over." (Photo: profile.myspace.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Secret Service agents have officially cautioned Hardball host Chris Matthews to stop stalking the president. "He's been doing creepy things," said an unofficial White House source. "Obama will get text messages from Matthews saying, 'What are you thinking of right now? If it's me, I'll die.'" In addition, the Secret Service confiscated a diary from Matthews in which the MSNBC star had written "Barack Obama" over and over in flowery purple script, as well as scribbling "Chris Obama" on a slip of paper hidden in a secret compartment. Lately, Matthews has begun showing up at the White House gate, claiming he left a book during a press conference, and wondering if the president was busy after work."He'd better back off," said the source. "Otherwise, he'll be hugging his pillow down in Gitmo." (Photo: nymag.com)
ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE - A fleet of Air Force C-17 Globemaster cargo planes stand ready to distribute President Obama's stimulus package. "We have our orders," said Air Force spokesperson Capt. Erin Andrus. "As soon as a trillion dollars are printed or borrowed, we'll load up the aircraft and deliver the money to America." In a unique plan conceived by President Obama himself, the C-17s will crisscross the United States, with crewmen kicking out bales of cash. "Money will fall from the sky, just like the Commander-in-Chief wants," said Capt. Andrus. "And then everything will be better." (Photo: Google)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Members of the media delivered a signed petition to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, demanding they be allowed to double the number of complimentary stories about President Obama. "We all could be doing so much more," said Time editor Paul Fisco, age 36. "So we really came down hard." After handing the petition to a Gibbs' aide, Fisco and other reporters, editors and anchor persons began crafting dozens of new stories placing the President, his family and pets, as well as his every decision and that of his administration in a warm, glowing light. "Gibbs better realize that we're serious," said Fisco. "These stories are coming out. He just better get used to it." (Photo: upload.wikimedia.org)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A teenage mugger who attempted robbing Henry Waxman died of fear when the congressman turned around on a dark street. "He [Waxman] looked like a hairless, alien brain-sucker," stated the mugger's companion, Jefferson Lane, age 22. Police responding to Waxman's 9-11 call, apprehended Lane, whose hair had turned pure white. Lane stated, "I thought, 'Man, we're jacking something from the X-Files.'" Waxman acknowledged his appearance in low light conditions had caused other deaths. "A couple of times I've zapped cleaning staff while working late on important issues." However, the veteran congressman and chairman of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce remained unshaken by the event. "Frankly, I find Nancy Pelosi's eating habits a lot scarier than my head." (Photo: Drudge Report)
CHICAGO, IL - Ending an inaugural benediction with a goofy rhyme stating all whites were embracing wrong has earned the Reverend Joseph E. Lowery an invitation to join S.O.C. The Society of Odd Clergy are some of President Obama's staunchest supporters, loudly voicing obtuse opinions with an emphasis on race baiting. Rev. Lowery, who believes the United States has no money for poor people despite trillions spent over 60 years, is said to be honored by the invitation. He will be joining S.O.C. stalwarts such as Fr. Michael Pflegler, who once channeled Hillary Clinton's thoughts, stating she was a peevish bigot. And, of course, S.O.C. superstar Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who believes that a U.S. government that can't order pizza without leaking the toppings to the press somehow developed an unknown virus (AIDS), transported this virus throughout the country without spilling it, and released it into Afro-American neighborhoods in order to kill blacks but not any other races in adjoining neighborhoods. (Photo: Ron Edmonds / AP Photo)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A man with ears like lemonade pitchers, whose favorite word is "uh," and who claims to have visited 57 states, was inaugurated the 44th president of the United States. With a record of past accomplishments that would impress a child of 8, Barack Obama will spend his first day in office at a $170-million dollar party before tackling serious economic problems. New vice-president Joe Biden and his wife will spend the day overcoming the effects of a powerful bison tranquilizer, injected to keep them from speaking to the media or anyone with a cell phone camera. " (Photo: JAE C. HONG/Associated Press.)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A wave of media saliva caused by Barack Obama's inaugeration was responsible for undermining a parking structure, causing it to topple. Reporters from CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, and PBS were conducting an informal interview with Hollywood celebrities at a multi-story parking tower. Among the stars were Matt Damon, Jennifer Anniston, Stephen Colbert, and John Cusack, all in town for the inaugural celebration. Tyros Manniket, age 37, a parking attendant, witnessed what happened next: "They were all excited about Obama, saying how wonderful, and wise, and great he would make as the president. On they talked, for minute after minute. Then someone, maybe Scarlett Johansson, called Obama a 'Stud Man King.' That is what started the drool. It flooded out of their mouths in foamy waves like a river with bubbles and everything." According to investigators, enzymes within the huge volume of saliva were thought sufficient to erode reinforced steel and concrete, bringing down the structure. While all media and celebrities were evacuated safely, Manniket believes a homeless man may have drowned. "This bum sleeps in the stairway every night. I think the drool wave maybe get him. Anyway, he's not around." (Photo courtesy of www.www.ci.fort-collins.co.us)
NEW YORK CITY, NY - United Nations officials have banned the use of Port-o-Potties by UN peacekeeping forces. "Mobile toilets are a vile offense to humanity, " said spokesperson Gert Foogler. "People make foul in the wrong place by missing a hole the size of a cheese wheel. Plus there is never any paper and they tip over during mortar fire, polluting the environment." Peacekeepers will have several replacement options including large coffee cans and mailing the waste free-of-charge to any of the major United States television or cable networks for immediate airing. (Photo courtesy of www.www.americanwastesystems.com)
DES PLAINES, IL - McDonald's now offers Thai food with its regular breakfast menu. New entrees include seafood curry and an Egg McMuffin; spicy sour soup with hash browns; and chicken and coconut milk poured over McGriddles. "Customers can combine a fast, hot breakfast with the fun of eating Thai," said spokesperson Gary Edeem, age 29. "We hope they go from car to car in the parking lot, sampling each others orders." (Photo courtesy of www.geocities.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Timothy Geithner appeared before a senate committee today missing his head from the neck up. "My bad," responded the nominee for Treasury Secretary after an aide rushed off and retrieved the missing body part. "I take it off at night because it's easier to remove my tie. After dinner, and talking with the family, I keep it in a glass vat next to the bed. Today, whoosh, I ran out the door without it. Maybe I should get one that ties on." In recent days, Geithner, who will head the IRS, forgot to pay $42,000 in back taxes, forgot that his maid was in the country illegally, and forgot that he was in charge of the New York Federal Reserve while Citicorp regulations were loosened and Wall Street tanked historically. "I'm not sure why I can't remember jack," said Geithner. "Maybe it's a pot flashback or something. Oh, I forgot to mention: I did me a little drugs in college." (Photo courtesy of www.cartoonstock.com)
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President-elect Barack Obama has hired a Basque shepherd to manage and guide the White House press corps. Andoni Lorda, age 61, will be responsible for keeping reporters assembled during and after press conferences. "They be just fine," said Lorda, who will work closely with incoming White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "They [the press] very quiet and peaceful. Mr. Barack know who is asking a question because he tell them who is to ask question. So no trouble there. I put big bell on Helen Thomas and when she leave, other reporters leave too. Me and dog just there to keep them out of traffic." (Photo courtesy of www.nabasque.org.)
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Sporting a fashionable Che cap, Dustin Claus made his presence felt at last Saturday's anti-Israel rally. "Ho, ho, ho, Zionist oppression of Gaza has to go," said the older Claus sibling in a single breath. "It's funny. I say, 'ho, ho, ho' all the time and yet it fits right in with so many protest chants." Living off a considerable allowance from his famous, hard-working brother, Dustin Claus has always championed the interests of the oppressed. "Santa is all about good and bad. But that archaic notion has been transcended by revolutionary morality. I tried teaching it to the elves, but the little fascists laughed at me. One day they'll be kneeling at the lip of a mass grave and we'll see who's jolly then?" In the meantime, Dustin is very much for peace. "Ho, ho, ho, hell yes I'd like to see a just settlement that considers the historic rights of the Palestinian people." After signing several autographs, Dustin cell-phoned his limo. There was a ride back to Nob Hill and dinner that evening at the Top of Mark. "Not everyone can afford to be a communist," said Dustin thoughtfully. "But that just means all of us committed activists must continue battling for the downtrodden. Ho, ho, ho." He looked around suddenly. "Was Tim Robbins here? I wanted to get his autograph."
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Penguin Publishers announced the upcoming release of This Land is Urine: The Poetry of Bill Ayers. The former radical Weatherman has penned a collection of original verse that captures the heady spirit of past revolution, while promoting a modern, nuanced patriotism. "We're excited to issue another of Bill's books," said Penguin spokesperson Mandy Kupperman. "Though he is a rather exacting author." Ayers' manuscript came in at several thousand pages and he refused all editing. Penguin stood ready to scrub the deal, but publication became financially feasible thanks to a grant from the National Endowment of the Arts. Ayers' three-pound book of poems includes such selections as "America is Satan's Colon," "Lazy Days of Rage," and "I Wish I Could Explode Things With My Eyes." Penguin wants the book in stores by Valentine's Day. Says Kupperman, "There are several very touching love poems, especially to Ho Chi Minh and Castro." Ayers' ode to Castro runs one-hundred forty-seven pages and features a pop-up effigy of the famed dictator shooting a dissident in the back of the head.
BURBANK, CA - As the networks gear up for sweeps, NBC will debut a hot new reality show, So You Want to be a Security Guard? The series places six contestants as guards in a large office building in downtown Los Angeles. Working swing and midnight shifts, contestants compete to accumulate the largest paycheck with the least actual work. Each episode focuses on acquiring a necessary guard skill, such as showing up drunk, lying to the dispatcher, sleeping in your car, pilfering office supplies, and practicing your fast draw in a plate glass window with a loaded .38. "This has sizzle," said NBC TV exec Artie Smelm. "Crackling hot, big-hit sizzle." Should the show prove successful, Smelm states spin-offs are ready to roll, including, So You Want to be a UN Delegate? and So You Want to be Artie Smelm?
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Following an emergency meeting, the nations' top nuts have stated they want no comparisons or affiliation with Illinois Governor Ron Blagojevich. "He's too extreme," said noted madman Roland Bingershef, age 42. "I walk around with a hat made of sausage and believe the Masons poison my gold fish out of spite. But this Blagojevich with all the sick people at the press conference, then ending with a poem, wow. He just gives us all a bad name." Bingershef and other nuts attempted drafting a statement to the press, but ended up using all the paper to make triangular hats.
FLORRISANT, MO - A city worker announced that the face of Barack Obama had appeared to him in a Cobb salad. Travis Mitchell, age 52, reported the incident while dining at a local IHOP restaurant. "Romaine lettuce formed the ears, while baby corn and egg slices shaped themselves into a nose and mouth." Mitchell called over other diners who were sceptical. "He had balsamic vinaigrette all over his fingers," said IHOP regular Karen Nye, age 33. "I think he made that face to get on MSNBC." However Mitchell was quick to mention that Nye voted for John McCain. "Clearly, she had an agenda." Mitchell said Obama's face "whispered a message telepathically." According to Mitchell, Obama said that anyone who disagreed with Mitchell on any subject was filled with hate and that it was Okay to scream at them until his face turned beet red and spittle flew out his mouth. "So that's what I did," said Mitchell in a recent interview with Chris Matthews. "I screamed at Nye, then walked out of that IHOP and, oh, I forget to mention, Obama also said I didn't have to pay for Cobb salad with faces in it. So I got a freebie there."
CAMBRIDGE, MA - A Harvard University survey of the nation's foremost economists revealed that eighty-nine percent found economics dreadful and boring. "We conducted a long term study, using a large population sample," said sociology professor Gary Miskaleer, age 37. "The results are pretty conclusive. For example, fifty-eight percent of those surveyed can't listen to a recording of themselves discussing economics without falling into rem sleep and awakening with drool on their chin. A further sixty-six percent admitted walking through libraries and spitting into economics books." Not surprisingly, Professor Miskaleer's survey showed most economists would rather be doing something else, with dream jobs ranging from power line repairman to cook on a tramp steamer somewhere off the island of Tonga. "Right now, the economy is in terrible shape," said Professor Miskaleer. "And the only people who have any idea what it all means hate their jobs. So, you know, take anything they say with a grain of salt, 'cause they'd walk away in a heart beat if they could."
LANGLEY, VA. - Senior officials at the Central Intelligence Agency have issued a statement promising new director Leon Panetta that they will "continue aggressively collecting performance bonuses while ignoring or redefining national threats, plus hiring Chinese spies and Hezbollah operatives in the name of political correctness, plus leaking documents and blowing operations for political gain as well as furiously discrediting anyone who blames us for intelligence failures." Panetta had no comment, while the senior officials were unavailable for follow-up questions as they had departed on sensitive operations in Pebble Beach and Las Vegas.
GAZA CITY - As fighting raged outside between Israeli and Hamas forces, the Daughters of Gaza met in a U.N. school room crammed with mortar shells. A transsexual support group, the Daughters help one another make the difficult transition from male terrorist to female terrorist. "Other fighters play tricks on us," said Khadra (formerly Omar) Nemer, age 38. "Once they stole my lipstick and hid it in my ammunition. There I was, battling Zionists, when my rifle jammed because a tube of Pink in the Afternoon was stuck in the chamber." Favoring cool tones, Khadra gestured outside where a tank shell exploded. "Because of the fighting, we are unable to obtain Nair or other depilatories. Where is world opinion, I ask?" With a sigh, Khadraflipped through a well-worn issue of Cosmopolitan. "I only want to fire rockets into populated areas and be pretty. Have I requested the moon?"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the wake of Bill Richardson's withdrawal, the Obama administration has nominated a drunken sailor to serve as Secretary of Commerce. Arch Wheedon, age 49, has been thrown out of both the U.S. Navy and the Merchant Marines for chronic alcoholism. He is married to four women, fathered nine children, pays no alimony or child support, and spends every cent he gets on gin, cigarettes, and Slim Jims. "Total transparency," said future white house chief-of-staff Rahm Emmanuel. "What you see is what you get with Arch." Insiders believe Wheedon will be a better fit for the new administration's free-wheeling spending plan. "Arch couldn't hang onto a buck with two hands full of Super Glue," said Emmanuel. "That's the sort of fiscal leadership this country needs."
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Denied a seat for improper credentials by the Secretary of the Senate, Illinois appointee Roland Burris may yet enter the senate chamber provided he crouches. According to congressional historian Kelly Horner, "There are a number of obscure rules that Burris could use. For example, he could crouch next to his seat and put papers or a briefcase on top. Or he could squat. There's also a provision for Burris to sit on the floor yoga-style, provided his knees don't stick up in the air like duck wings." Burris is said to be considering these and other options such as offering the Secretary of the Senate a sack of cash.
CHICAGO, IL- President Obama's stimulus package is eagerly awaited by an activist group that registers dead voters. "We're a voice to the voiceless," said Saul Pachinsky, chairman of the League of Zombie Voters. "The millions of federal dollars we'll receive will allow us [LZV] to expand the franchise to those previously denied because of life status." Pachinsky admits to a friendly rivalry with other community activist groups such as ACORN. "Sometimes we fight over the same dead person. But it's all in good fun." When questioned about the legality of his work, Pachinsky grew philosophic. "Whenever a person dies, they automatically become a Democrat and help the party out. Think of them as organ donors."
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