Conde Nast Debuts 'Depression Magazine, Baby'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a sign of the times, publishing giant Conde Nast has rolled out Depression Magazine, Baby. Printed on glossy paper, this monthly hopes to cash in on what-is-being-called '30s Chic.' "Our magazine says the economy stinks, but keep that sassy attitude," said 'Depression' editor-in-chief Virginia Crater-Leek. "Our first issue showcases the latest fashions woven from a potato sack, includes tips on how to decorate a boxcar or storage facility, and offers recipes for cooking cats garnished with grass from a median strip." Crater-Leek admitted that people without jobs or money probably aren't going to purchase a magazine about people without jobs or money. "Our target audience is aimed at young, single media and government employees in Manhattan and Washington, D.C. who want to empathize with the unemployed without feeling guilty. So we're giving them Depression Magazine, Baby. Honestly, we're all in this together."

Tragedy in FarmVille

The Daily Discord reports that light aircraft and pretend worlds don't mix.

Mind Numbed Robot: Chile Chooses Earthquake Over Clinton Visit

Mind Numbed Robot: Chile Chooses Earthquake Over Clinton Visit

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Financial Analysts Unable to Employ Jargon

NEW YORK CITY, NY - In a crisis within a crisis, many of the nation's money analysts no longer understand what they're saying when they use financial jargon. "Basis points, ascending tops, EOM dating all sound like Finnish to me," said former Bloomberg analyst Tito Dryer. "You get tired of saying this stuff over and over, then one day you lose your jargon completely." Psychiatrists claim jargon-loss is different from losing one's 'mojo.' "People who lose their jargon often remain confident," said Dr. Kleeve Meter, "but they no longer sound professional or interesting to other jargon-users or those outside the profession." Asked to describe the current economy, Dryer replied, "It stinks. It's really bad. Buy gold and bury it." Questioned as to why his view is correct when jargon-rich government officials and media have stated that economic recovery is underway, Dryer said, "Think of it all as word-xanax. Then buy gold and bury it."

Shooting Monkeys in a Pit Reopens After Lawsuit

BURGER, WA - In the shadow of Mt. Rainer, Shooting Monkeys in a Pit once again welcomed customers, giving families a chance to fire rifles down into a pit full of foaming, rabid monkeys. "This business was my dad's idea," said owner Granger Hopt. "He was eating frozen waffles when two old sayings clashed in his head: 'More Fun Than a Barrel of Monkeys' and 'Shooting Fish in a Barrel.' Well, dad thought, 'What if you shot monkeys in a barrel? And what if those monkeys were stuffed full of plague or madness? You don't get that at Six Flags.' The rest is history, except for the lawsuit and some other stuff."

In 2006, a family sued, claiming they were misled by Hopt's sign and subsequently shocked at seeing patrons firing military surplus M-14 rifles - M1 carbines for youngsters under 8 - into a pit filled with howling, vicious monkeys and apes. The suit spawned an injunction closing Hopt's business while the case dragged through court. In late 2009, a judge ruled for Hopt, stating there was no deceit in his sign. "The opposing lawyer claimed our sign could be thought of as a metaphor, thus misleading. But the judge said our advertised activity was explicit and not implied. So everything was cool, except for some federal stuff involving rabid animal importation."

Business was slow the day I attended, with only a scattering of shots, monkey snarls, and excited kids' voices. Hopt pointed out the bullet-pocked Lucite sheets ringing the 14-foot deep pit. "That was my idea," he said proudly. "Before, it was just sandbags and plywood. Monkeys would escape all the time. People would be wheeling around, cranking off shots, trying to pop Jocko before he reached the tree line and spread his ape madness all down the Cascades. But a lot of stray rounds hit the gift shop and concession stand. Once I put in Lucite, none of 'em got out unless it was in a pine box filled with bananas. Just kidding. We don't bury nothing. We burn the bodies over at our other business, Burning Rabid Monkeys in a Pit. People who visit there are a special breed. Pretty tight. They got their own Facebook page." (Photo: Israelly Cool)

Sean Penn to Interrogate Taliban Prisoners

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn takes on a new role for the U.S. Army, interrogating high-value Taliban prisoners who have been dressed as paparazzi. "Penn is just one more tool in our conflict against man-caused disasters," said Colonel Elias Trunker of army intelligence. "Draping cameras on the Taliban, along with Member's Only windbreakers, will trigger Penn's attack instincts. Once he's done kicking the cartilage out of their legs, they'll yap like an actress on a talk show." In addition to physical violence, Col. Trunker stated Penn will be employed in psychological warfare, reading to the prisoners from a collection of poems he wrote in praise of Hugo Chavez. "Legally, the Chavez poems are right on the edge of war crimes, but we're gonna take that risk. We test-read a Penn poem to several volunteers and they threw up things they hadn't even eaten yet."

Lockerbie Bomber Plagued by Gout, Polo Injuries

TRIPOLI, LIBYA - The man who blew up Pan Am Flight 103 has contracted gout from a rich diet, causing swelling to his left big toe which, in turn, has prevented him from wearing proper boots while playing polo, resulting in further injuries. Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi was released last year from a Scottish prison on compassionate grounds that had nothing to do with Libyan oil contracts. "Purely a medical decision," said one government insider. "Al-Megrahi was dying of prostrate cancer and we wanted him with his family as opposed to being blown to pieces in mid-air." Now living with his wife and grown children in a swank, two-story villa in a wealthy Tripoli suburb, Al-Megrahi's polo game has suffered because of the gout, leading to a fall off his horse last week that left bruises and a final chukker unplayed. "He suffers so much," said the insider. "Last week, he could barely sip Tomato Florentine, and his Salmon Alfredo went untouched. The public should know that Al-Megrahi is paying for the murder of 253 people and that oil has nothing to do with any of this. Did I say that already? Then it must be doubly so." (Photo: Wickipedia.)

Polanski Wins at Berlin for 'Ghost Molester'

BERLIN, GERMANY - Roman Polanski has won best director at the Berlin Film Festival for his film, Ghost Molester, a saga about a filmmaker who discovers he has the power to sexually molest young female spirits. "I don't know what made me think of the subject matter," said Polanski by phone from Switzerland. In the film, the protagonist is harassed by supernatural entities who object to his predatory actions. Forced to flee his home in Los Angeles, the protagonist takes refuge in a haunted Swiss chalet. Showered with rewards for his work throughout Europe, the filmmaker spends his days forcibly sodomizing a teenage girl spirit. "I suppose it is a bit autobiographical," laughed Polanski. "But the beauty of my idea is that there is no law against raping a ghost. In fact, if you're a successful filmmaker, there's no law against rape in the artistic community. Certainly no stigma. Too bad I can't return to LA and be tried by film festival judges. I'd be set free and handed a 13-year-old cheerleader. But that's show biz."

Dubai Assassination Linked to Rogue Kiwanis Club

DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - Two men who participated in the January killing of a Hamas terrorist have been identified as belonging to a splinter group of the Kiwanis Club known as 'Black Kiwanis.' Little is known about this sinister service organization, formed in 1996 by disgruntled Kiwanians who wanted a little action with their charitable work. Dubai Police stated two men caught on security cameras were known BK operatives Heave Donner and Abel Klopperheim. Both men were traveling under forged Icelandic passports listing their occupations as 'glacier wrangler' and 'cod instructor.' According to Interpol, Donner and Klopperheim have been linked to several murder-for-charitable-donation acts in Spain and Wales as well as using blackmail and extortion to raise scholarship funds for needy children. The two men departed Dubai the day after the killing on a flight to Lapland and have since been lost to authorities. Dubai Police refused to speculate if the other members of the assassination team were Black Kiwanis or just innocent people who liked to follow terrorist arms dealers. "We must remain open to all possibilities," said an anonymous source within Dubai law enforcement. "And that would include suicide and faking strangulation. To be honest, we don't get many murders in Dubai and no one wants to kill the job - so to speak." (Gif: Public Domain Photos.)

Belgium Sends Hogs, Postcards of Belgium to Afghanistan

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - Under pressure from U.S. ambassador Howard Gutman, Belgium has agreed to up the ante in Afghanistan by sending specially trained truffle hogs and a colorful post card collection to NATO headquarters in Kabul. "The Belgians didn't want to send anything," said American embassy spokesperson Cybil Gnomen. "But Ambassador Gutman really turned up the heat." NATO will introduce the four pigs (trained to locate truffles) into Helmand province, providing alternative employment to the cultivation and sale of heroin poppies. "Everyone here loves truffles," said Gnomen. "So if the Afghans find some, they can sell them to the Belgians. It's like the circle of life only with truffles." In addition, the Belgian government has included a stack of postcards showing the Antwerp city hall and a fountain in Bruges featuring a naked boy peeing on a dog. While their use in the war zone seems opaque, Gnomen was proud. "Hey, it's high quality paper. I'm sure the people there can use them as artwork in their homes. The truffles and postcards are symbols of what can be accomplished when you put aside jingoist chest-beating and rely on smart diplomacy."

Excerpt from Amy Bishop's Novel

HUNTSVILLE, AL - INI has obtained an excerpt from scientist/shooter Amy Bishop's unpublished novel Jerkville, about a scientist named Andrea Bissop who conducts important research vital to humanity while set upon by annoying jerks, maliciously denying her needs.

Chapter Four: A Hush Over Macy's

"I was wondering if you have this pattern in more of an azure?"

Andrea fidgeted in irritation as the clerk checked a pattern book. Didn't this woman know she was Professor Andrea Bissop? Finally, after several seconds that felt like hours to Andrea, that clerk closed the book. "I'm so sorry, but this line of towels only comes in one color."

Frustrated, Andrea pulled out a Glock .40 from her oversized handbag, racked the slide, and double-tapped the surprised clerk. With a pair of vertical holes in her forehead, the clerk crumbled to the floor like a dropped napkin. "I need azure," screamed Andrea. The spent brass struck the department store floor with a metallic 'ting.' "Nothing else matches the tile, you stupid slab of meat! I hope they teach you color scheme in Hell, just before they stuff your fat head in a bucket of shit forever!"

A quiet fell over Macy's. There were muffled screams and 9-11 cell phone calls as Andrea made her way to the exit, pausing only to inspect a soap dish shaped like a sleeping cat. Cute. It never ended: incompetence, annoying bug-like people, defiance. One did what one could.

Out on the sidewalk, two cops jumped from a patrol car, pistols leveled at Andrea. "Drop your handbag and eat sidewalk, bitch!" shouted the younger cop. His older partner looked carefully at Andrea, "Are you Professor Andrea Bissop?"

"That's correct. Is there a problem?"

"No, ma'am," said the older cop, motioning her partner to lower his weapon. "Someone defy you in Macy's?"

"A clerk. I handled it. Will there be anything else?"

"We're not letting her go?" said the younger man. His partner chuckled. "You got a lot to learn, kid. That's Professor Andrea Bissop. She does important scientific work, sorta like Ted Kaczynski. Plus she voted for President Obama, so you know she's not just smart, but real smart. Smart people got a different morality from regular folks. They see things from so many different angles that it's wrong to judge them by our crude, untutored lights. If they want to shoot people, even family members, then its probably for a real good reason. A smart reason."

Andrea smiled at the young cop's confusion as he lowered his pistol. He'd learned a valuable lesson today. Just as her boss at the lab would soon learn a valuable lesson about performance reviews. Smiling at the older cop, Andrea asked, "Officer? Do you know if there's a hardware store close-by? I have to buy a gross of nails and a pound of rat poison."

Biden Rescued From Animal Cage

TAMPA, FL - While promoting the Stimulus Package at the Tampa Zoo, Vice-President Joe Biden climbed a fence, leaped a moat, and waded through chest-deep water to reach Monkey Island. "Hey, how are ya?" called the vice-president, attempting to shake hands with frightened gibbons and langur monkeys. Secret Service and zoo personal eventually coaxed Biden out of the enclosure with candy and the promise of a train ride. "He's very excited about the Stimulus Package anniversary," said one of the the vice-president's handlers. "Maybe he got a little stimulated. I don't know. This job's a lot harder than I thought. I may quit and become a White House tour guide."

IRS To Tax Multiple Personalities

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A federal judge has ruled the IRS possesses statutory authority to tax any additional personalities living within schizophrenics or people diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. "Finally, these mental freeloaders will pay their fair share," said IRS spokesperson Adrian Philomon. "We hope to work closely with psychiatrists and mental health facilities to ferret out these cheaters who are burdening their fellow Americans through non-compliance." Philomon citred an example. "Suppose a man named Miller had multiple personalities named Zarkone the Terrible, Mrs. Lampley, and Little Billy Hodge. Miller would be required to list Zarkone and Mrs Lampley as either co-workers, or principle wage earners, if they were the dominant personality in the workplace. A minor such as Little Billy Hodge must be listed as a dependent, but could also be claimed as a deduction. We're not heartless." Philomon stated that cases involving demonic possession were slightly different. "If the possessed is not delivered prior to April 15, and no extension is filed by the priest, minister or rabbi, then the demonic entities would be liable to file income tax. The important thing is that everyone pay their fair share, except Treasury Secretary Geithner. He can use Turbo Tax...or not."

Top Taliban Commader Trapped Beneath Large Box

WASHINGTON, D.C. - U.S. and Pakistani intelligence forces captured the Taliban's top military commander using a very large box propped up with a stick. According to anonymous sources, Mullah Adbul Ghani Baradar was drawn to the trap by reports that there was a woman inside reading Family Circle. The enraged commander entered carrying a whip, only to inadvertently kick the support stick, dropping the box around him. "There wasn't really a woman in there," said the source. "Just an inflatable woman dressed in a burqa that we borrowed from a very lonely man in the State Department."

Biden Motorcade 'Hell Drivers' Bound for Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - Gen. Stanley McChrystal announced that Vice-President Joe Biden's motorcade will be deployed as part of Operation Moshtarak. Known unofficially as the 'Hell Drivers,' the motorcade favors an aggressive style which the army plans using as a battering ram against Taliban fighters hold up in Marja. "They'll speed past IEDs and mow down the Taliban as if they were taxpayers," said Public Affairs Officer Captain Ron King. "We [U.S. Army] used to recruit Dominos Pizza delivery kids. They motored hard and broke more land speed records than half the rocket cars at Bonneville. But they went soft. Now we look for federal employees driving SUVs. There's nothing more dangerous. They've got lifetime jobs and they're above the law, so we don't have to worry who they hit. We're hoping it's mostly the enemy." Since last November, the 'Hell Drivers' have killed a D.C. pedestrian and slightly injured skater Peggy Fleming in Vancouver. "Safest place to be is topside in a 'copter," said Captain King. "I'll have a radio in one hand and popcorn in the other watching 'em tear ass across the landscape. It'll be better than watching skateboard fails on You Tube."

Today's Headlines - February 14

Google Buzz Promises to Make Email Really Annoying

Dead Man's Family Sued Over Plagiarized Suicide Note

Palestinian Activists Dress as Blue Man Group

Global Warming Research Now Headed by SyFy Channel

New Office for Mac Features Cluttered, Over-Designed Interface

Federal Plain Speaking Law Takes Effect

Following a commercial, a man explains in song.

EMBED-Stores That Tell You Exactly What They Are - Watch more free videos
h/t: Viral Footage via Right Wing News

Army Sets Up Taliban Blind

Reporting from the Daily Discord on the war against man-caused disasters.

Drug Cheaters Break Away to Form Own Olympics

VANCOUVER, CA - Angered by the Olympic Committee's 'childish views,' 38 athletes discovered using illegal drugs have left to form their own Olympic games. "So I took some steroids," said 340-pound U.S. speed skater Brian Ellison. "It's not like you could tell." Athletes from 14 different countries are heading north to Skagway, Alaska for their own event which they are calling the 2010 Winter Olympics—Not! "It will be refreshing and a tribute to the human spirit," said 431-pound Austrian bobsledder Kurt Himmelbaum. "We can not wait to compete once we have constructed new stronger bobsleds." There has been no official word from the Olympic Committee, but there are worries the drug rebels might sell merchandise containing the word 'Olympic.' Said one committee source, "As you know, the word 'Olympic' is copy written and we will go up to Skagway and take legal action as well as tour the old gold mining camp." Ellison isn't worried. "Let 'em arrest me. It'll be like trying to cuff Barry Bonds—they don't make handcuffs that big."

Archie and Jughead Tangle with Tea Parties

MAMARONECK, NY - Archie Andrews and Jughead Jones will clash with Tea Parties in an upcoming issue of the long-running Archie comic book series. Said writer Dylan Kraw, "We wanted something that would threaten Riverdale High. And would could be more threatening than a non-union mob?" In Kraw's story, "Tea Bag For Two," a Reggie Mantle prank backfires after he suggests a Tea Party group demand Riverdale eliminate all science classes and use the money to form a rifle club. When the howling throng arrives, Mr. Weatherbee blames Archie, who is sent to detention. Meanwhile, Miss Grundy tells the crowd they are protesting against their own interests. She states that a large government with a big heart run by caring concerned politicians such as Barney Frank will, in fact, improve their lives, if they'll only stay out of the way. The mob beats Miss Grundy with a sign reading, 'Obama Marksist.' Jughead sneaks Archie out of detention. Along with Betty, Veronica, and Moose Mason, they lure the Tea Party away from the high school by telling them Sarah Palin is waiting to speak at the bottom of a nearby quarry. Quickly, the kids string barbed wire around the quarry, imprisoning the mob in an improvised 'haters camp.' Later, over sodas at the Chok'lit Shoppe, the gang listen as Archie wonders why simple people reject progressive solutions that have turned Greece and Venezuela into equitable, just, social wonderlands? Pop Tate interrupts to say, 'Remember what our president said about bitter people clinging to guns and God.' Jughead then quips, 'I'd like to cling to a couple more hot dogs with fries.' The gang all laugh in the final panel. Said Kraw, "People need to relax. We're just having a little fun here. It's not like we're mocking ACORN. That would be hurtful and wrong."

Deputy NSA Brennan Okay with Founded Fear-Mongering

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In another USA Today oped, Deputy National Security Advisor John Brennan stated it was perfectly acceptable for Americans to engage in fear-mongering founded on a rational basis. "Let's say you're sitting on an aircraft and the passenger next to you is wearing smoking underpants. At that point, the government would have no objections to you mongering your fear." Brennan, whose full title is Assistant to the President and Deputy National Security Advisor for Homeland Security and Counterterrorism, and who carries business cards the size of legal pads, also signed-off on any encounter with extremely large terrorists. "Terrorists aren't 100-feet tall. However, if you were to meet a terrorist, say, 9 feet tall or larger, it would be perfectly acceptable to fear-monger." Brennan stated fear-mongering would be unacceptable if it involved worry or criticism of a government obsessed with returning to the criminal justice approach to terrorism that worked so well in the 90s. "Dissent is patriotic," said Brennan, "but there are limits. We'll tell you what they are. In fact, we'll write them on your hand. Ha, ha, ha, do you get that? Robert Gibbs is soooo funny."

'Ethan Frome' Video Game Fails

THOUSAND OAKS, CA - Following the release of Dante's Inferno, Novacon/Deepgnome took a shot at marketing their own literature-framed, action video game. The disappointing result was Ethan Frome: Sled Ride to Hell. Based on the 1911 novel by Edith Wharton, 'Frome' follows the title character around a realistic CGI setting of Starkfield, Massachusetts as he cares for his sickly, shrewish wife, Zenobia, while battling attraction to her lively cousin, Mattie Silver.

"This wasn't a strong choice of subject matter," said syndicated game critic Dillon Overs. "'Inferno' has devils and hell. You can work with that. 'Frome' has Massachusetts. Honestly, what's the point of platforming on Xbox 360 and charging $60 to follow a repressed New Englander?" Despite the presence of multiple levels, no real action takes place until Level 9 when Frome and Mattie attempt suicide on a sled. "Who commits suicide on a sled?" asked Overs. "This game is so slow and depressing it could be a comedy on NBC."

Scathing reviews have resulted in meager retail sales. "They [Novacon/Deepgnome] got cocky because Klezmer Hero was such a surprise hit," continued the critic. "They should've waited for Sony to make something successful, then ripped off the idea. That's what everybody else does." (Image: West Bend Library)

EPA Using Green Police Ad as Viagra

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Reports have surfaced that members of the Environmental Protection Agency have begun using Audi's Green Police commercial to cure erectile dysfunction. "I've had my little problems because of work pressures, divorce," said an anonymous EPA source. "But you have no freaking idea how hot that ad made me." Aired during the Super Bowl, the commercial showed 'green' police entering homes to arrest people for crimes such as throwing batteries in the trash and not recycling. "I saw myself in that commercial," said the source, "riding a Segway with a 9mm on my hip, handcuffing planetary criminals. I became a dynamo in bed. That inflatable sea otter never knew what hit her." Later, the source stated he called other Bay area EPA employees in his erectile dysfunction support group. "Everyone who saw that commercial felt exactly the same way. Except I was the only one riding a Segway."

Medlock Converts to Islam, Government Apologizes

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Daily Call writer Sean Medlock, struck by a State Department Security Vehicle while legally crossing the street, has converted to Islam, prompting an immediate government apology. "We're mortified by our insensitivity," said State Department spokesperson Gila Yogarst. Recovering in the hospital from knee surgery, Medford received an enormous fruit basket with the State Department seal as well as a Starbucks card good for 15 years worth of lattes, and a small pony that can count up to seven. "We're not arrogant federal bullies," said Yogarst. "Hopefully, Mr. Medford realizes we're just doing our job. Sometimes that job involves mowing down pedestrians, having them issued jaywalking tickets while they lay broken on a hospital gurney, and ignoring requests for information on the driver. But please don't judge us by our actions, but by our words which are few, legalistic and indifferent to reality. That is the true measure of our character. That is the State Department way."

IPCC: Snowpocalypse Hottest Blizzard on Record

NEW YORK CITY, NY- The IPCC has released data confirming that a huge blizzard striking the U.S. east coast is not only the hottest record snowfall ever recorded, but a clear sign of the shifting face of global warming. "Climate change is cunning like a mongoose or a very sneaky man," said IPCC spokesman Sanjuk Patel. "It circles around to attack in forms you would not recognize such as vast clouds of snow." Under fire from critics for inserting unproven global warming claims into reports, as well as the use of divination, the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has conducted a rigorous internal review. According to Patel, the result is tougher standards resulting in irrefutable science. To back the claim that snow is hotter now than at anytime in earth's past, Patel cited data vetted by Nickelodeon Kids' News and the National Wildlife Federation's Ranger Rick Green Zone. "This is a molten blizzard. Period. End of story," said Patel. "And while it has the appearance of cold, you must not be confused by deniers, clearly in the pay of large corporations." Patel was emphatic as he urged the public to "throw away the evidence of your senses and trust the IPCC. I do."

China Demands Obama Beat Dalai Lama

BEIJING, CHINA - Furious over President Obama's mid-month plan to meet with the Dalai Lama, China has demanded the President strike Tibet's spiritual leader with a wooden nightstick until he [Dalai Lama] 'is contrite.' Said Chinese Foreign Ministry official Ma Wen Lee, "We know President Obama will bow to the criminal Dalai Lama. But will he beat him for his wayward attitude like we have asked? On this, much depends." The Chinese believe the Dalai Lama is seeking Tibetan independence and have threatened to stop buying American debt if Obama refuses to comply. "We want the Dalai Lama punished and we want our ambassador present as a witness and we want footage up on YouTube. Otherwise, we will no longer purchase treasury bills," vowed Lee. "Let the Americans try growing their giant, fat government on warm air and promises." The White House has not officially responded. However a source inside the State Department reports there have been contacts with the Chinese, asking whether the club must be wood and if a wiffle bat could be substituted.

Cameron to Tackle 'Children's Hour' in 3-D

HOLLYWOOD, CA - On the heels of his uber-successful film Avatar, director James Cameron plans a controversial big-budget remake of The Children's Hour using 3-D technology. "The studio was a little hesitant," said Cameron associate Dean Thomas. "I mean, 'Children's Hour' is a famous play by Lillian Hellman and not really 3-D subject matter. But let's face it, no one can 'no' to Jimmy right now." Cameron is having a huge, performance capture stage built that will serve as the all-girl boarding school. Casting is still in the works, but actresses portraying accused lesbian teachers Karen Wright and Martha Dobie will wear leotard-like motion capture suits. Said Thomas, "Jimmy wants to have stereoscopic cameras zooming in on the teachers from every angle, especially after they learn of Mary Tilford's lies." Using a mixture of CGI and live-action photography, Cameron hopes to create an illusion of depth that will heighten Martha's climatic suicide. According to Thomas, "When Martha shoots herself, the audience is gonna feel like they got a face-full of brains." No release date has been set as executives desperately hope the Cameron magic continues. "Jimmy's not stopping for anybody," mused Thomas. "In fact, if 'Children's Hour' pulls in big box office, he might try A Doll's House. But one thing at a time."

Obama Budget Threatens Sasquatch Breeders

CHRISTMAS VALLEY, OR - Federal subsides to sasquatch breeders are on the cutting table in the 2011 budget, frightening small ranchers throughout the region. "They [sasquatch] aren't easy to find, let alone capture and breed," said breeder Jean Peter Torvol. "My family has been trying for over 39 years and we haven't even seen a footprint. If the government ends our 180,000 dollar-a-year subsidy I don't see how we'll ever locate a sasquatch, let alone two that we can marry up." The complaint is a familiar one in southern Oregon: end the subsidy and destroy any chance of ever capturing large, furtive, humanoid apes to mate. "Why doesn't the government go after big bankers and corporations?" said breeder Dee Elfhead. "My little old 167,000 dollars-a-year isn't going to amount to much in Washington, D.C. But it's a pre-fab house, a Chevy Tahoe, and four nights a week at an Indian casino for me and my family." Democratic congressman Onslow Keating has vowed to battle for the subsidies. "These people got nothing but their government checks and the same dream as their fathers and grandfathers: to one-day discover enough sasquatch to breed." Keating was unsure as to the ultimate purpose of mating giant, hairy humanoids. "You could put tags on 'em so that you know where the population is at all times, then hunt 'em from a helicopter with a grenade launcher. Heck, it beats me. No one's ever found one yet." Torvol was more direct. "The thing is, if you breed enough sasquatch the government will pay you extra to kill 'em off so you don't flood the market; big upside potential in the sasquatch-breeding business." (Image: News Blaze)

Air Force Pagans Demand Christian Sacrifice

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO - Furious over a cross left in their new outdoor worship area, Air Force Academy Wiccans have demanded a Christian minister be handed over to them for sacrifice. Said Wiccan spokesperson, Cadet Bel Patterson, "This desecration has soiled our worship of the Horned God, tarnished our Imbolc celebrations and jeopardized our upcoming Beltane festivities. If we are to run naked under the moon screaming the name of the Holly King, then Christian blood must be spilt." Air Force spokesperson Major Dennis Palumbo was conciliatory, but vague. "We're certainly upset by this intolerant act. Hopefully, our Wiccan cadets will continue to worship in their new outdoor grove, complete with wicker baskets." Patterson, however, remained firm. "We require a Christian minister be burned alive before dawn on April 30. Ideally, the selected minister will be plump so we can collect his melted fat and use it for magic." Major Palumbo refused to acknowledge the request. "I would hope all our cadets are aware of the Academy's fire safety rules as well as state and local prohibitions against religious, or secular, human incinerations. In addition, I would point out to all cadets that any immolations will be part of their permanent record and could effect future promotions." (Image: Wickipedia)

Single-Payer Health Systems Allowed to Slap Patients

ST. JOHN'S, NEWFOUNDLAND & LABRADOR, CANADA - Premier Danny Williams has left Canada for heart surgery in the United States in order not to be slapped by Canadian hospital personnel. Said province spokesman Reginald Canning, "In a little known fact, Canadian hospital staff are allowed to slap a patient on a single occasion for complaining. Wishing to preserve his dignity, Mr. Williams has elected to be operated on in the United States." Different names describe the practice of health care workers striking complaining sick people in single-payer systems. In England, slapping a patient is known as 'cautioning,' while in Canada it's called a 'check.' In Cuba, it's called 'the little kiss.' In addition, Cuban hospital workers may fling patients out a window in what is termed 'airing out the bedding.' While acknowledging Premier Williams' aversion to being checked, Canning defended the system. "Is it fair that hospital staff should be badgered while doing their best? In the 90s, they could use a closed fist on any lout demanding treatment. In the 80s, they could still use blunt objects. But now it's only a little slap. I'd call that progressive."

Federal Reserve Space Program Features Stairway of Cash

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With NASA's lunar program dead, the Federal Reserve has assumed space travel responsibilities and intends printing dollars to form a cash stairway to the moon. "We're already cranking out trillions for next year's budget," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke. "Why not print out a couple of centillion more?" Working with engineers, the Fed hopes to construct a framework in the shape of a huge staircase that will be paved with cash. "People will be able to walk to the moon on five and ten dollar bills," added Bernanke. "But we still have to figure out how to keep the cash from floating off into space. Oh, and the people too, I guess." The project is estimated to take 190 years just to complete the framework. Bernanke was philosophical. "I know it's a long time, and no one alive now will ever see completion. But, on the upside, money is no object." (Image: PD Photos.com)