Imagine Mohammad Day Big Success

FROM THE EDITOR - Our first Imagine Mohammad Day was a solid win, with thousands of readers from around the world quietly envisioning what the Prophet looks like. Our famed Hollywood psychics, who prefer to remain anonymous, had quite a chore choosing winners, who also preferred remaining anonymous. Using rigorous subjective guidelines, the psychics selected three. See if they match up to your thoughts.

3. A man in Lutefisk, Norway saw the Prophet as John Goodman in Raising Arizona only dressed like someone from a Vegas floor show version of Scheherazade.

2. A former twin in Limpopo, Congo imagined Mohammad as a cute baby hippo eating 40 to 50 melons.

1. An active member of New York City's Revolution Muslim website pictured the Prophet Mohammad dressed as a Girl Scout (with a Computer Fun badge) on a flying horse, dispensing chocolate mint cookies from a box inscribed with the crescent moon and sword.

Second and third place winners receive a year's subscription to the Interesting News Items print edition, currently in the conceptual stage. First place winner receives an all-expense paid imagined trip for seven to Quito, Ecuador. Thanks to all who engaged in anonymous imaginings. Start thinking for 2011 when we'll add a special challenge!

Ling Carter - Editor-in-Chief

Iran Vows Support for Love Your Body Day

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Following its election to the UN Commission on the Status of Women, Iran has promised to promote an international Love Your Body Day. Based on the National Organization for Women's program, the campaign fights unrealistic female body images as promoted by fashion, beauty, and diet industries. "Unrealistic body images lower a woman's self-esteem," said Mullah Bahman Okhovat, head of the Iranian delegation to the commission. "We want women and girls everywhere to know it is 'okay' to be you...provided you cover your whore face and don't ever read." Mullah Okhovat hopes to shift world focus away from what he terms 'feminist side issues.' "What's the point of decrying female genital mutilation, honor killings, and tossing acid in the face of schoolgirls when cosmetic manufacturers grow wealthy selling women on dissatisfaction?" With plans to fund a film on how-to-spot beauty stereotypes, Mullah Okhovat believes the commission is finally on the right track. "Let's create strong, diverse, active women who like themselves. Then let's create strong, diverse women who like serving men. And if they don't like that, they can be quiet and serve men. And if they don't like that, we can hang the sluts from a crane. So you see, there's a lot of work ahead in the field of women's issues."

San Francisco Bans Travel to Arizona by Feces Art Troupe

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Angry over Arizona's new immigration law, Mayor Gavin Newsom banned all travel to the state by a city-sponsored troupe specializing in feces art. "If they want to keep their grant, they'll stay away from Arizona," said city spokesman Dabney Overton. The New Crap Players, who act the works of Harold Pinter on a stage littered with dung, have been performing The Caretaker to sold-out houses in the Bay Area, but had no immediate plans to tour. "I don't know why he [Mayor Newsom] said that. We weren't planning on visiting Arizona or anywhere else," said Crap director Jay Helian. "Besides, we're not really into travel. We'd have to pack all our shit." According to Overton, Mayor Newsom is determined to starve Arizona of the Bay Area's finest city-sponsored art. "If Arizona doesn't repeal their immigration law, they can forget ever seeing Bearded Men in Blue Eye Shadow Dancing While Dressed as Nuns. No way. Too bad. They'll only have themselves to blame."

Ft. Hood Report Blames 'Easy-Accesibility of Firearms'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A revised Department of Defense report on the November shooting of 14 people at Fort Hood has centered blame on the ready availability of firearms at U.S. Army bases. The report concluded: "While Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a radical Muslim, may have pulled the trigger while screaming 'Allahu akbar,' the greater fault lies with those who filled Ft. Hood with guns, turning it into an armed camp." The report's recommendations included a Tanks for Running Shoes buy back program and a "pledge to be taken by all soldiers, renouncing violence and embracing a smart, common sense approach to conflict resolution that sees all sides as friends who haven't bonded yet."

Friday is Everybody Imagine Mohammed Day

FROM THE EDITOR - For anyone skittish about the upcoming Everybody Draw Mohammed Day on May 20, INI will be instituting a safe alternative. This Friday, April 30, we invite everyone to imagine what the Prophet Mohammed looks like. Do you see him as a bear of a man with hair on his triceps? Or is he a little fellow, fierce in battle, but with tiny hands and feet? Are his trousers flowing and voluminous, large enough to hide a lamb shank? Might his turban be cocked at a rakish angle like Bob Crane's hat in Hogan's Heroes? You decide. After all, its your imagination. For those still worried about possible offense, we have consulted a Koranic scholar who has assured us of three things:

1. There are many violent threats in the Koran.
2. None of them involves imagining what Mohammed looks like.
3. There is a Koranic verse that says, "Hast thou not seen how thy Lord dealt with the owners of the elephant?" Our scholar isn't sure what that means, but he is fairly certain the owners of the elephant weren't imaging what Mohammed looked like.

So set aside some time Friday, sit back, and mentally craft the Mohammed you've always wanted to view. No rush, but stop by 8:00 PM Pacific Time. We are contacting a number of Hollywood psychics who will surf the sea of mental images and select the top three.

So good luck and happy imagining!

--Ling Carter, Editor-in-Chief

Hawking Warns Aliens May Be Like Larry King

CAMBRIDGE, UK - Professor Stephen Hawking believes in extra-terrestrial life, but warns it may consist of larger, more powerful versions of Larry King. "In an infinite universe there are infinite possibilities as to how life may develop," said the noted astrophysicist. Hawking suspects sending probes and radio signals into space searching for aliens could lead to trouble for Earth. "Why risk the possibility that aliens developed into gabby, aging cable hosts with advanced technology? What if they started droning on, pandering to celebrities and powerful Democrats, sonorous gab without end? Gab that we were powerless to stop?" Hawking felt it would be wiser if Earth launched probes, but used the address of another planet. "That way we could observe whoever, or whatever, showed up. But who answers an invitation to visit a stranger's home? Larry King would. That's why we must be careful."

Armenian Genocide Labeled 'Historical Slip'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a speech at the White House, President Obama labeled the 1915 massacre of Armenian citizens by the Ottoman Turks a 'historical slip.' "There are times when nations, like problem drinkers, fall off the wagon. Such an event happened to Turkey," said the President. "They stumbled briefly and killed hundreds of thousands of Armenians, but now they've stopped." Despite pulling back from a campaign promise to label the killings 'genocide,' the President's statement irritated the Turkish Foreign Minister. "It is a well-known fact the Armenians overdosed on sleeping pills in the Syrian Desert. Tragic, but is Turkey to be blamed forever? My government was going to present President Obama with a special fez. The tassel featured alternating strands of orange and blue, the colors of the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. But he wants to point fingers so forget it. Nothing. May he slip on a putting green and fall in a sand trap." Obama concluded his remarks by applauding "the indomitable courage of the Armenian people who almost smoke as much as I do."

Obama: 'More Porn' Key to Financial Regulation

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Citing a report on porn addiction by SEC employees, the President called for 'unfettered access' to internet pornography sites as the key to financial regulation. In a speech to a maritime college not far from Wall Street, President Obama stated Security and Exchange Commission regulators were forced to spend so much time bypassing porn filters on work computers they couldn't catch Bernie Madoff or stop economic meltdown. "'For want of a nail, the shoe was lost,'"said Obama. "By hindering our first-line of financial defense from easy access to bigbrazilianjugs.com we denied them a simple pleasure, forcing them to work around, instead of with, the system." The President proposed giving the SEC larger, faster computers, more Flash drives, and office doors with deadbolts. "These tools will allow our regulatory sheriffs to relax, regroup then catch those who think the system exists for their own selfish benefit."

City Celebrates Earth Day with Wind-Powered Traffic Signals

COSTA LUNA, CA - Determined to lead the way in sustainability, Costa Luna has become the first U.S. city to feature wind-powered traffic lights. "We use clean energy with zero greenhouse gas emissions," said Mayor Andrea Neeper-Klon. "Our turbines turn 24/7...or would if the wind were always blowing." According to critics, that's been a major problem as frequent high pressure conditions leave Costa Luna hot and windless, stranding motorists at traffic signals for hours at a time. "You've got people climbing 70-foot wind towers, trying to spin big blades," said Cam Delore of Citizens For Normal Traffic Signals. "Someone's gonna fall and hurt themselves." Even with wind, vehicles are in danger of being struck by falling birds, killed by the whirling turbines. Neeper-Klon acknowledged the problems and promised to install gas generators to spin the blades on windless days. As for dead birds, children collect them as part of the city's Green Awareness Program. "Kids drop the birds off at homeless shelters were they're incorporated into nutritious, healthy suppers. Later, the homeless people make paint scrapers out of the beaks and claws, which they sell for cigarette money. Isn't that green?"

'South Park' Offices Moved to Mountain Fortress

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the wake of death threats to the creators of South Park, Comedy Central has moved the show's offices to a mountain fortress in the Sierra Nevadas. "This relocation was scheduled some time ago," said Comedy Central spokesman Baxter Loren. "And has nothing to do with a recent episode depicting a certain religious figure in a bear costume. A figure whom, I might add, founded a religion of peace." Purchased from the Air Force in the late 90s, the mountain fortress has been used to store computer tapes and old puppets. Now it will house South Park as part of corporate cost-cutting measures. Said Loren, "Office space is very expensive in Los Angeles. And while employees may incur some out-of-pocket cost commuting several hundred miles a day, Comedy Central owns the fortress so we don't have to amortize rent. Also, the move has nothing to do with a recent episode involving the founder of a peaceful faith and some vague threats by his followers to behead Trey Parker and Matt Stone [South Park creators]. I stand behind Trey and Matt a thousand percent even though I hardly know them, don't agree with their humor, and certainly don't condone anything that might incite a man-caused disaster."

Olbermann Ratings Top Volcano Cam

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Delighted MSNBC executives celebrated as talker Keith Olbermann's Countdown show outdrew a video camera showing images of the Iceland volcano. "Viewers wanted something hotter and that was Keith," crowed MSNBC assistant VP David Tinnear. The volcano video is being aired on rival CNN. Still smarting from a recent beat-down at the hands of the Circus News Channel, CNN has been described by insiders as 'free-falling' as they scramble for shrinking audience share. Said one anonymous source, "At this point, putting up a volcano 24/7 wasn't hurting us. In fact, we picked up Lava Soap as an advertiser. Hopefully, viewers will return to CNN now that we're willing to try anything." As for MSNBC, Tinnear says they may expand Countdown to 4 hours a night, Monday through Friday. "You reinforce success. Clearly, people are choosing Keith over other non-Fox cable options."

All Dolled Up

A man, strong drink and a Barbie car via The New York Times.

Task Force Adds Congress to Childhood Obesity Initiative

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A task force set up to facilitate Michelle Obama's Childhood Obesity Initiative has expanded to include members of Congress. Said Parker Ney, spokesman for the 'Let's Move' campaign: "We realized our plan had forgotten the pudgiest toddlers on the planet - members of the House and Senate." The First Lady was not pleased with the inclusion of Congress but the task force persisted. Explained Ney, "They [Congress] are so very porcine. At the same time, its difficult to think of them as adults." Citing a fattening diet of pork and special sweets snatched from the palms of lobbyist friends, Ney hoped to reduce the congressmen within two election cycles through actions such as vigorous exercise incorporating long walks away from public office. "It'll be tough. Some haven't had their great, fleshy heads out of the federal trough in decades. But with the public's help plus counseling, support and a newsletter, we can watch our Congress go from Michelin-obese to a smaller size. Maybe just big and fat."

NCAA Approves 4x400 Tax Code Relay

PALO ALTO, CA - Hoping to fan interest in track and field, the NCAA gave colleges the Okay to add a relay event using the income tax code. "Relay teams are used to handing off a light baton," said NCAA spokesman Jesse Momgwer. "Now a runner must circle the track until he's stacked all 20 volumes of Title 26 Code of Federal Regulations behind a teammate. Then a simple tap on the shoulder signals the next runner to grab a handful of books and fly." In a demonstration race held at Stanford, the Cardinal Men's 4x400-meter relay team squared off against the Oregon Ducks. Each team employed a different strategy. For the first leg, Standford's Garret grabbed two volumes under each arm and took off like a man stealing small pigs. But Oregon's Gillman stacked four volumes under his chin, then ran like a nerd in a library. Garret finished first, grabbed two more volumes and sprinted down the lane, eventually taking ten laps to deposit almost 17,000 pages behind the Cardinal second-leg runner. However the Duck's Gillman finished in eight laps, despite dropping a stack and badly bruising his foot. Eventually, Oregon edged out Standford, when Duck anchor man D'Quan James staggered across the finish line with the last volumes in just over 171 minutes and 16 seconds. Said Momgwer: "A normal 4x400 relay takes around 3 minutes and ten seconds so this event shouldn't lead-off a meet. But once the athletes stop dropping volumes and kicking them in frustration, we'll cut that time considerably. Overall, I think the combination of speed, strength, and strategy will make the 4x400 tax code relay a crowd favorite. And just wait until they add the health care stuff." (Photo: labelmaster.com)

Ahmadinejad Letter to Obama: 'Where is My Bow?'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a cross letter to Barack Obama, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded to know when the President would bow to him. "You are like one of those novelty drinking birds that dips perpetually into a glass of water...except when I show up. I am embarrassed. Every world leader gets a bow except me." Ahmadiejad hoped the President would consider a video conference where Obama might perform his signature bow of deference. "I will incline my head in amusement like everyone else," said the Iranian President. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated the Presidential bow was not for everyone. Explained Gibbs: "[The President] bows only to nations he wishes to sponge money from. Since we don't, as yet, want to borrow money from Iran, the issue is a non-starter." The letter also made reference to Iran's nuclear program which Ahmadinejad described as "only for civilian purposes or incinerating Israel. Nothing more."

SEIU Assumes Control of NASA

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a major reshuffling of the space program, the Service Employees International Union has assumed management and direction of NASA. "Space industry employees will finally get meaningful work," said union spokesman Dominic Manchili. Along with canceling the booster-rocket Constellation program, unionizing is just another piece of President Obama's space exploration vision known as, 'All Slow Ahead' "It's about the proper use of people," said Manchili. "You got a lot of physicists and scientists wasting their time looking up at the sky when they could be working phone banks for Democratic candidates." Manchili says SEIU hopes to re-orientate NASA toward a community activist model by the 2010 midterm elections. "These space people need to be paying union dues, registering voters and smacking teabaggers over the head with pipes. After November, they can call in sick for all of 2011. Now that's a future worth fighting for."

Blind Lust

Via Drudge: Porn magazine for the blind relies on feelings.

'Prince of Persia' Plus Remake Will Be Released Together

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Disney has announced it will release feature film Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time along with its 3-D remake this Memorial Day. The unusual idea is the first attempt by a studio to simultaneously release a remake of a film no one has yet seen. Said Disney feature spokesman James A. Hardy, "We're so confident audiences will love 'Prince,' we've gone ahead and remade it, positive the new spin will enchant viewers. Plus its 3-D." Based on the video game developed by Ubisoft, 'Prince' follows young royalty teaming up to stop an evil ruler from unleashing a world-destroying sandstorm. Prince of Persia: Against the Grain, is the comedy remake set in Southern California where the young royals are now 21st century, detective-surf bums hired by a Saudi prince to find out who stole his kingdom's sand. Hardy was excited about the May 28 opening. "It won't be two-for-the-price-of-one because we want people to see 'Prince' then pay for a second ticket to see 'Grain.' But it is the fastest remake in industry history. Plus its in 3-D."

Past Beheadings No Excuse for Holding Gitmo Suspect

WASHINGTON, D. C. - A Judge has ruled the U.S. may not hold a Guantanamo Bay, Cuba detainee over fears he will return to beheading people for Al-Qaeda. "He must be released," said U.S. District Court Judge Aaron Goodstool, "and his big sword returned to him." After lopping off the heads of four Western aid workers in Afghanistan, Hasid Salmeh was captured in 2002. Judge Goodstool has ruled the government's evidence is insufficient and that Salmeh must be released if religious worship is to mean anything. "We have no right to judge," remarked Goodstool. "Because a man pursues his faith aggressively is no reason to deny him the company of fellow worshipers. Let's not make a mockery of the law."

Downsizing Disasters

Cracked considers cases of criminal understaffing.

INI Interviewed

At this place.

Farmville Gold Coins Rescue Social Security

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Spending more than it takes in, the Social Security Administration was heartened by a Congressional Budget Office report showing the administration could be solvent this year if all future payments are made in Farmville gold coins. "We asked the CBO what would happen if all the gold coins in Farmville could be taxed per player transaction," said social security spokesman Harold Munchen. "Then what would happen if the administration issued checks redeemable in these coins. The CBO, I'm delighted to say, replied that under those conditions Social Security would be solvent by the fourth quarter of 2010 and running a surplus." When pointed out that Farmville coins are a cyber currency good only for purchasing cyber objects on an Internet game, Munchen grew defense. "Look, I didn't make up these figures. They're from the non-partisan CBO. But if people are worried, they can visit our website, use a credit card, and purchase their own disability or retirement benefits on a monthly basis. In turn, we'll send them a check they can spend anywhere and not just on Facebook." Munchen went on to say this latter method is preferred by the government since it avoids the need to print more money or borrow it from the Chinese. "If you can afford to buy monthly benefits, then be a good American and do so. But everyone will be eligible for a Farmville-backed check. That's why the U.S. will never end up like Greece. We're too smart."

Tea Party Devours Minorities, Litters

PASADENA, CA - Credible reports have surfaced that Tea Party members have cooked and eaten minorities, then thrown their bones across a public park in defiance of anti-littering ordinances. Sources close to MSNBC state the incidents took place at a recent Tea Party gathering at Brookside Park. Minorities were taken from cages, then roasted on spits or boiled in big pots. Said a close friend of Keith Olbermann, "Keith saw it all in a dream. It was horrible. The cook was dressed up like Glenn Beck. Keith clearly heard him say, 'Man, do I lust after the flesh of those most-at-risk.' According to the source, the victims' bones were later tossed on the grass despite the presence of clearly marked trash containers as well as posted signs forbidding litter. State Democratic Party spokesman Bailey Mullhouse promised an investigation. "We suspected things like this were happening at tea bagger parties. But to have it confirmed by a hard-nosed, sceptical media outlet just goes to prove you can't make this stuff up."

Warners Jumps On 3-D 'Night of the Lepus'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Warner Bros. announced plans to remake sci-fi bomb, Night of the Lepus. The 1972 story of giant rabbits attacking humans in the Arizona desert will be done over in 3-D. "You'll think big, flesh-eating bunnies just jumped in your popcorn," laughed Warner marketing spokesman Dori Ross. Using an expensive 3-D process to rejuvenate a bad film seems risky, but Ross was confident new 'Lepus' will soar. "We're going all-in with the environmental message. Instead of old school fears like overpopulation, we're breaking new ground by attacking soft drink manufacturers. Sodas are the new tobacco." In the 2010 version, the only people killed by giant rabbits are those drinking cans, bottles, and liters of soda. Often, soda-drinking characters escape by hiding, but a carbonated belch gives them away and they're slain by rabbits. Characters drinking spring water or natural fruit juices always escape, no matter how desperate their straits. Said Ross, "We think there's action galore for the teen male demographic and subtle nuanced politics for older female audiences. Still, we need to sneak in a message that sodas are Okay provided you're watching this movie."

Young Urban Drivers Dig Backhoes

SEATTLE, WA - Worried over sticking gas pedals, 20-something urban drivers are ditching Toyotas in favor of the John Deere backhoe. These mobile excavators, sporting a digging bucket and a two-part articulated arm, now dot parking lots of universities, law offices, and software design firms from San Francisco to Boston. "I had safety concerns with my Prius," said University of Washington law student Patricia Newman. "But my backhoe is super dependable and you can carry books and groceries in the bucket so its green too." Backhoe owner Gary Bruno, a video game developer at Bungie, enjoys helping out at construction sites. "Sometimes heading home from work I'll pull over and assist a county road crew digging up pipe. They don't always appreciate it, but it gives me an awesome feeling." John Deere officials, delighted with the upswing in sales, are puzzled over the backhoe's popularity. Said company spokesperson Howell Gorman, "This isn't something I'd take out to get a latte macchiato, but whatever." Responding to customer demand, John Deere has issued its first teal backhoe. Gorman states they have additional models coming out in peach and coral. "Too bad the kids didn't take a shine to harvesters. We make a great one with a shredding straw system. But they'd have a hell of a time getting into office parking spaces and malls, so there's that." (Photo: Public Equipment)

Liberal Alzheimer's: When You Forget to Call Someone 'Racist'

BALTIMORE, MD - There was a time when progressive Gale Harrington couldn't discuss tax cuts with libertarian neighbor Dave without calling the man a 'heartless, greedy racist thug.' But those days are gone as 72-year-old Gale slips into the twilight of liberal Alzheimer's. "It's so sad," sobbed Joya Harrington, Gale's wife of 42 years. "Gale and Dave always argued politics. After a few minutes, Gale would call him an 'ignorant racist hatemonger,' or a 'racist-sexist-homophobe-tea bagger.' But now days, Dave says the healthcare bill will crush small business and Gale replies with weird stuff like, 'I guess we'll just have to disagree.' That's not the man I married." A form of dementia, liberal Alzheimer's is the result of chemical and structural brain changes that destroy the ability to employ caustic labels designed to stifle contrary opinions and reshape the terms of debate. Like many liberal spouses, Joya is at a loss. "We used to sit together watching Keith Olbermann. Gale would jot down down phrases to use like 'evolutionary regressive.' Now he just sighs and says, 'Dave should watch this. Then we could chat about the issues.'" Joya believes the disease is advancing. Recently, she made Gale listen to 3 hours of Rush Limbaugh, but her husband's only response was, 'That fella is wrong. I sure wish I could enlighten him.' In her struggle, Joya takes comfort from one fact: "It's a progressive disease. So it must be good."

Graft Upgrade for Windy City

CHICAGO, IL - Mayor Daley rues outdated corruption distribution system courtesy of The Onion.

Full-Body Scanners Aid TSA Sexual Fantasies

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Able to see through clothing, full-body imaging machines have improved the sexual fantasies of TSA employees. Said TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett, "This vital piece of technology eliminates wondering what a woman might look like underneath her garments. Crucial time is no longer at lost at airport security stations pondering whether breasts were round and firm or pendulous like ripe guava." Whiskett pointed out that improved sexual fantasies come with a cost. "More employees are taking extended restroom breaks. But this is a small price to pay for national security." There are 46 machines in place at 23 airports with more on the way. Whiskett would like passengers disturbed by full-body scanners to remember the "TSA is America's first line of defense against privacy and large bottles of lotion."

Scientology Sea Org to Battle Somali Pirates

CLEARWATER, FL - A spokesperson for the Church of Scientology International announced its Sea Organization is en route to Africa to fight Somali pirates. Departing from Curacao in the Netherlands Antilles, the elite church members sailed aboard the Freewinds, a former cruise ship sporting 3-inch navy surplus guns and a cargo hold filled with L. Ron Hubbard books and Dianetics literature. Said spokesperson Lyle Divoton, "The church is eager to keep the seaways safe as well as offer any captured pirates a free personality test."

Crewed by OT VIII (Operating Thetans Level 8), Scientology's highest level, the Freewinds hoped to reach the Indian Ocean by mid-April and commence naval operations, consisting of patrols and broadcasting the soundtrack from Battlefield Earth. "Hopefully, we can lure pirates aboard with the promise of meeting Tom Cruise, then convince them to undertake auditing that will expose personality flaws and traumas." Divot added, "This auditing can be very expensive, so we may allow the pirates to keep raiding until they finally pay for enough courses to be clear of all engrams. Then they can paint the smokestack while they work through their OT levels. Between us, they'll never see Tom Cruise except on YouTube, but keep mum on that."