Monday, August 31, 2009

Fourth Quarter Carnival Stabbings Projected Downward

CASPER, WY - Economists report carnival stabbings will continue their 2009 downward trend, on course for the worst year since the Great Depression. "All the data points in the same direction," said Conrad Steckler, economics PhD from the University of Chicago. "Stabbings are off eight percent from last year and thirty-four percent from the third quarter of 2006. Numbers haven't been this low since knives were invented." Deke Butler, owner of the Rocky Mountain Carnival of Fun, sees it the same. "Crowds are the key. They love the excitement of a wild-eyed crazy man fleeing a stabbing with a bloody knife, bumping into people, spilling popcorn. But without crowds there's nowhere for a stabber to run to. Our carnies would catch him and force him to bite heads off cats, or give midgets free horsey back rides. Stabbers don't like that much so they hold back." Government spending has failed to stimulate sawdust mayhem, leaving owners like Butler to wonder: "You look at the news and even circus stabbings are in the tank. What hope does a small guy like me have? Get a crowd, get a stabbing. But broke people don't need the carnival. So you got a vicious Ferris Wheel going here." (Photo:

Friday, August 28, 2009

Bill Gives Obama Power to 'De-Friend' On Facebook

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A new senate bill would give President Obama sweeping powers over cyberspace, including authority to 'de-friend' anyone on Facebook. An aide to Senator Jay Rockefeller, whose office is crafting the legislation, stated the 'de-friending' provision would allow Obama to bring equality to the social network. "Is it fair that Adrian Lane has 275 friends and Jackie Cunningham only 136? Shouldn't Jackie have a larger pool when it comes to games like Mafia Wars?" Rockefeller's provision would grant Obama power to 'friend' and 'de-friend' as well as insert pro-healthcare statements into any message thread. In addition, the President would have the ability to eliminate: 'What Caddyshack character are you?' for reasons of exclusion and possible racism.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Kennedy, Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Senator Kennedy

EVERYWHERE - Kennedy, Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, Kennedy, Senator Ted Kennedy, veteran senator Ted Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, forty-seven years, healthcare, Kennedy, Kennedycare, Kennedy, pass healthcare for Teddy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Liberal Lion, Kennedy, Senator Kennedy, liked watering holes, Kennedy, Ted Kennedy, life-long battle with fleas, Kennedy, Kennedy, ate an antelope in the senate, Ted Kennedy, wanted universal healthcare, just not for him, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, oh.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Kennedy's Body Sold for Healthcare Tour

WASHINGTON, D.C. - SEIU President Andy Stern has purchased the corpse of Ted Kennedy for an undisclosed sum. "He's not going anywhere," laughed Stern. The late senator will be stuffed and mounted on the front of a 'healthcare bus,' that will tour America, rallying people behind universal coverage. "We got a taxidermist that used to work on elephant seals. He'll make Senator Kennedy look just fine - except for the black marble eyes." Stern and the SEIU intend standing behind the deceased senator all across the nation, at scenic overlooks and interstate coffee shops. "We want what Ted Kennedy wanted," added Stern. "Girls, booze and power without accountability. Oh yeah, and health care for all outside government. And girls." (Photo:

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Jimmy Cartier: Incompetent Jewelry

PARIS, FRANCE - Renowned jeweler Cartier and former president Jimmy Carter have partnered to create a new gift line of expensive, ineffective jewelry. The Jimmy Cartier line will feature necklaces with expensive stones designed to plop out in public; gold-plated, Art Deco pens weighing four pounds; and a special Baignoire women's watch equipped with an electronic voice that smoothly tells the incorrect time and blames the wearer. The Jimmy Cartier line will not be carried in stores, but my be purchased on-line at Hezbollah's website. Just click under 'Gift Store.' (Photo:

Monday, August 24, 2009

Gang Violence Escalates Over Pluto Debate

LOS ANGELES, CA - Inez Rivera recalls the last words of her cousin, Hector 'Lil Dog' Herrera. "He said that downgrading Pluto to a dwarf planet was 'punk-ass.'" For that, Herrera - a member of the 18th St. Gang - was cut down by members of the Florencia 13 Gang in a parking lot near the Staples Center. According to Rivera and other witnesses, Herrera 'ate more rounds than Sonny Corleone,' becoming the latest victim in the continuing violence over the status of Pluto.

Three years ago, the International Astronomical Union demoted Pluto from full to dwarf planet catching the LAPD completely off-guard. "Normally, we're given advance notice on any celestial changes," said Sgt. George Haskell. "But this time, the IAU fouled up. If it were just naming a new asteroid, that would be one thing. But Pluto is an original Big Nine solar system planet." The IAU apologized, but, according to Haskell, word was already spreading on the street.

Inez Rivera remembers 'Lil Dog growing upset. "He said Pluto orbited the sun and that gravity had crushed it into a nearly round shape. What more did the IAU bitches want?" But rival Florencia 13 didn't agree. A member identifying himself as "Raul," stated that with the upgrading of asteroid Ceres to dwarf planet status, Pluto had proved itself 'weak' and anyone who defended it was a 'sissy.' And Florencia didn't care who knew.

They should have. Within a week, the remains of a Florencia 13 gang member were found scattered around an empty lot on Western Avenue. Sgt. Haskell recalls the case: "Forensics indicated the victim died from a package containing seven hand-grenades and a highway flare inserted in his rectum."

Inez Rivera says that after the first killing, there was no turning back. "You were either down with Pluto as a planet, or you thought it was a suck-ass ball-of-ice. There was no other way. Still isn't." Since 2006, eighty-seven people have died or disappeared - mostly gang members - but the toll includes two Astronomers for Peace who attempted to mediate the conflict and were never seen again.

Haskell walked the parking lot near Staples, glancing at the numbered cards indicating the location of spent rounds. "Herrera was so full of lead we had to pick him up with a magnet." The veteran cop sighed, "It's a big universe, with room for heavenly bodies of all kinds. Maybe one day people will learn that." (Photos: &

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Robbery Suspect Employs Concealed Lobster

PLATTEVILLE, WI - Two banks and a grocery store were robbed by a man who produced a large lobster from inside his clothing and threatened employees. "Jeez, it was big," said First Bank of Platteville manager Jeff Alba. "Everyone was afraid of being pinched so we cooperated." The unidentified suspect next robbed Mound City Savings, then the A&P supermarket. Said supermarket employee Brandy Munchen, "It was weird. All he took were picnic supplies and tarter sauce." Local police are continuing the search, but fear the suspect may have destroyed evidence. (Photo: Ross Levitt/CNN)

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Terrorists Choose Scotland for Convention

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - The Terrorists International Guild has selected Scotland as the site for its 2009 convention. "Great country, great people," said an unidentified guild spokesperson. "And don't get me started on the golf." Originally slated to be held aboard a tramp steamer in an undisclosed location, the convention site was switched following the release of the Lockerbie bomber. "Some of our guys are a little high strung," said the spokesperson. "But if one should, say, mow down the hotel staff, a compassionate Scottish government will cut him loose in a decade or so." Terrorists plan on using the convention to network, improve branding, and plot mass murder. "Think of it as Comic-Con with suitcase nukes." (Photo:

Friday, August 21, 2009

Windows 7 Will Ship Pre-Hacked

REDMOND, WA - Microsoft announced that operating system Windows 7 will arrive in stores already hacked and infected with virus codes and worms. "This is a service to our busy users," said Microsoft spokesperson Gareth Parsons. "Pre-corruption skips the time-consuming steps of using a computer freely while waiting to catch the latest trojan horse. With Windows 7, just install and immediately get on the phone to India." Due out this October, Windows 7 has been engineered to crash and restart, delete thumb drives, and flash an error message in Estonian. Parsons added that a Windows 7 Deluxe version should be on the shelves by Christmas. "In addition to everything 7 does, Deluxe will pulse a small laser beam that can sear a hole in your forehead in under four minutes if not blocked." Parsons mused, "I'm not sure what the upside is, but Microsoft wouldn't add it for no reason. You know how we hate bloatware." (Photo:

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Iran Releases 'Medal of Honor Killing'

COLOGNE, GERMANY - Iranian reps at Gamescom unveiled a new video game that puts players in the shoes of a mullah trying to catch women reading. Designed by Tall Crane Enterprises, Medal of Honor Killing is a clash of wits as a religious police mullah must catch and convict crafty women for crimes such as glancing at men, reading Family Circle, or smiling. "The stakes are quite high," said chief designer Amir Shakiba. "If the mullah fails, he and all male family members face shame." Players choose the punishment for convicted women who may be stoned, shot, hung, or run over with heavy construction vehicles. "This game drops you on the front lines of a happening theocracy," said Shakiba, who is trying to attract the attention of retailers. Tall Crane plans exhibiting at next year's E3 Expo in Los Angeles where they'll roll out Resident Basij. This first-person shooter follows a militia member who must blast his way out of an underground city full of dissent mooks. (Photo:

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Footwear Czar Wants Crocs Mandatory

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Zaha Caputo, President Obama's Footwear Czar, has declared her intention to make Crocs the national shoe: "Americans would wear boards on their feet without common-sense government guidelines." In an interview with Odd Shoe Quarterly, Caputo stated clog-shaped Crocs go with practically everything, adding, "Givenchy and Tory Burch are coming out with Croc versions including a strappy sandal and a chunky high-heel. There's no longer any reason not to be wearing them - other than stylistic racism." Made of recycled PVC pipe and dyed frog skin, Crocs are environmentally sustainable, according to Caputo, and would help contribute to a national purpose. "Imagine a nation wearing Crocs? Imagine Donald Trump and Joy Behar and the Navy Seals all wearing the same fun, inexpensive footwear? That is why I became Footwear Czar. That is why I dream." (Photo:

Monday, August 17, 2009

Yale University Press Removes 'Three Little Pigs'

NEW HAVEN, CT - Fearful of offending Muslims, Yale University Press has removed all references to the Three Little Pigs from a new scholarly work examining the popular fairy tale. According to a Yale University Press spokesperson, "We consulted with Muslims at the U.N. and were informed that printing a book with pigs would result in Turkey invading Bulgaria. Also there would be violent Muslim riots in Nigeria different from the normal violent Muslim riots in Nigeria." Brandeis University Professor Amy Weskit, author of The Three Little Pigs: Values and Norms, reluctantly agreed to excising all pig references. "Now it appears the fairy tale is about ghosts who build houses of straw, stick and brick and that the Big Bad Wolf likes property damage." In related news, Universal Picture's 1995 film Babe will be changed to avoid offending Muslims. Insiders state the Babe character will be digitally removed and a new voice track added, changing the storyline to a tale about a small ghost that likes sheep herding. (Photo:

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Hamas Confronts Radical Islam: World Puzzled

RAFAH, GAZA - On Friday, Hamas failed in an attempt to arrest the leader of Jund Ansar Allah, or Soldiers of God's Best Friend. This radical Islamic group is considered too radical for terrorist organization Hamas. Baffled world leaders sought clarification from Cairo University's Doctor Hassam Abu Fayyad. Doctor Fayyad explained, "Hamas wishes to see Israel destroyed and the Palestinian people returned to the land. Jund Ansar Allah (JAA) also wishes to see Israel destroyed, but they want the land destroyed too, especially the dirt. In fact, JAA wants new dirt standing by in trucks so no one will have to wait around once Israel and the old dirt are destroyed. Don't laugh. You'll be killed." Other demands of JAA include a return to 7th century Islam, and a non-negotiable demand that everyone in the world smoke and talk loudly. Doctor Fayyad shrugged, "I would advise the world to go to the movies. This stuff will hurt your head." (Photo:

Woodstock a Government Hoax

BETHEL, NY - Drawing on thousands of pages of unclassified documents, a new book claims the United States Government fabricated the entire Woodstock Festival. Three Days of Lies and Music: The Faking of Woodstock, written by Professor Burt Kornman, states the CIA's MK ULTRA project, an army division in hippie garb, and a colossol tarp that, from the air, appeared to be hundreds of thousands of people, were used to deceive media and public from August 15 to 17, 1969. Kornman stated, "There were no bands. There wasn't any 450,00 people. There were 12,000 soldiers working the tarp and a few thousand real hippies who saw this dog-and-pony act on TV and decided to drop in. That was it."According to Kornman, free acid was given to anyone arriving to hear the "music" - state-of-the-art tapes from the top bands of the day. In addition, the government employed trick photography and mass hypnosis involving an immense watch swinging back and forth. Professor Kornman, Rosie O'Donnell Engineering Chair at San Francisco State, added, "A few thousand people went home convinced they'd seen a really cool rock concert. Word-of-mouth took over and pretty soon everyone and their uncle claimed to have been at Woodstock." Kornman grew evasive when pressed about the reason the government would stage a rock concert. He referred all questions to another of his books, Lo Siento, Paraguay in which Kornman claimed the United States accidentally H-bombed Asuncion during the time of the "alleged" Woodstock Festival. "Oh, and Max Yasgur was a Mason," blurted Kornman. "I'll bet no one ever told you that." (Photos: Google &

Friday, August 14, 2009

Nevada Recruits Arnold as Governor

RENO, NV - After luring away many California businesses, the Nevada Development Authority has upped the ante and recruited Arnold Schwarzenegger to be governor of Nevada. "He'll like it here," said NDA spokesperson Anne Kiley. "No long commute, no IOUs, and he can smoke at work." The California Governor's office had no-comment. However Kiley stated Schwarzenegger would continue to oversee California's decline, gradually passing authority to Lieutenant Governor John Garamendi as he eases into his new position. "Nevada likes its politicians drunk or chasing kino girls," said Kiley. "Arnold will be a great fit. As we like to say, 'What happens in Reno, stays in Reno, unless it goes out over the Web.'" (Photo:

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Bergman's Home Sold to Depression Clinic

FAAROE, BALTIC SEA - Situated on a bleak, windy island, the late Ingmar Bergman's home has been sold to a controversial mental health facility. Sunny Mind Clinic out of San Jose, California has converted the four dwellings into a rest center dedicated to the treatment of depression. "We felt the home of a famous movie director would be an awesome place for people to brighten up and learn to love life," said Doctor Lester Heinkrieter. Open only five months, the facility has been plagued by over forty suicides. "Pretty rocky start," said Doctor Heinkrieter. "It all started after a film festival we threw to welcome everybody. We showed The Seventh Seal and Scenes from a Marriage. Afterwards, two patients hung themselves from a tower. I said, 'Whoa, slow down here, people." Island resident Per Bjorklund has contacted the Swedish government about problems with the clinic. "You cannot drive a kilometer without someone trying to throw themselves under your car. This is not the way to enjoy motoring." Other residents have complained about finding patients hanging from fruit trees, or bobbing lifelessly in the sea and fouling fishing nets. Doctor Heinkrieter acknowledges problems but believes the answer is increased medication. "A Prozac the size of a golf ball oughta chill 'em out. Heck, I may try one. This island can be a real bummer." (Photo:

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Post Office to Run Like Obamacare

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Losing three billion dollars a year, the U.S. Post Office is changing operations to more closely match the President's healthcare plan. "We're getting rid of mail routes," said Postmaster General John E. Potter. "Instead, people will now visit regional postal exchanges. There they can drop off and pick-up mail, purchase stamps, and receive end-of-life delivery counseling." In addition, the exchanges will offer consumers a choice between UPS, Federal Express and the postal service."The post office will be using Air Force C-130s and charging a nickel to deliver packages anywhere in the world," said Potter. "We'll be paying for that by taxing the wealthiest Americans or just printing a canyon full of money." Potter added that all Americans will be expected to take part in 'preventive posting.' "If you have something to mail, we're gonna ask that you damage, tear or pilfer the material yourself. This will save valuable time in the mailing process and allow our employees to work uninterrupted on their second jobs." All USPO changes must first be approved by the Postal Board of Governors, who are expected to issue a ruling after they return from break sometime in late 2014.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

'Obamacare: Death Ward' Released to PC

BELLINGHAM, WA - Alt Entertainment has released a PC 3D video game based on President Obama's healthcare plan. 'Obamacare: Death Ward' is a first-person shooter set in the year 2020. As a member of an elite Special Forces Unit - the Viper Dogs - you must infiltrate a massive, government-run hospital and rescue old people who are about to be terminated as a cost-saving measure. AI, graphics and game play initially seem pretty standard as you battle your way past security guards, union janitors, and health care bureaucrats, all depicted as subhuman gnomes. One interesting switch on traditional FSP gameplay is that whenever you attempt to recover from damage via a first-aid power-up, the game stops while your character fills out yards of paperwork. Sounds include rustling papers, pen scratching, and constant, muttered swearing. Deep under the hospital, as you battle toward the termination ward, the danger ratchets up. First there are massive SEIU Goons that absorb a lot of battle damage. Then there are shadowy Chicago People, slippery and difficult to hit. Be wary when you blast one as they splatter into a foul muck while denying they've been hit, or else, claiming they always wanted to be shot. Finally, you face a giant, gaudy actuary called Pelosid who speaks in an harsh, scolding voice: "Don't touch my old people, you Nazi-astroturf-insurance lackey." But defeating Pelosid and rescuing the old people is only the start. You and the surviving Viper Dogs must now fight your way into Big Pharmacy and recover the old folks' medicine. 'Obamacare: Death Ward' offers rich, detailed maps, several play modes, and a visually stunning gamescape, all of which deteriorate over five years into a single room with poor sound quality and slow response times. Best played immediately. (Photo:

Monday, August 10, 2009

'Cove' Documents Dolphin Motels

TAIJI, JAPAN - A new documentary on the slaughter of dolphins captured hidden footage of sinister dolphin motels. 'The Cove' followed a team of environmental activists to the town of Taiji where they obtained footage of a garishly-lit underwater structure. Heavily made-up female dolphins lounged near the entrance under a sign that read, 'Come in and rest your flippers, big boy.' Dolphins eagerly crowded the door, swimming in but never swimming out. Later, when the traps were full, they were hauled onto land and dynamited. "This is wrong," said activist Karl Mandolon. "The U.N. forbids using sexual traps to capture most aquatic mammals. For some reason, narwhal traps are permitted." Japanese interviewed in the film claimed dolphins flocked to the cove at Taiji for the express purpose of eating Japanese fisherman. "Every year, three, four fisherman, get eat up by dolphin," said Taiji Mayor Hiro Takamura. "We find hats floating on water. Everyone upset." The film concluded with a plea to allow dolphins to discover themselves sexually without human interference. "Dolphins are no different than activists," said Mandolon. "They smile, love the water, and make high-pitched sounds of unknown meaning." (Photo:

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Parasite Study Links SEIU to Tapeworms

ATLANTA, GA - While investigating parasites at the Center for Disease Control, researchers have discovered a strong resemblance between the Service Employees International Union and tapeworms. "We're seeing too many similarities to ignore," said Doctor Ramesh Panjandray. "They [SEIU] are transmitted via the Democratic Party, attach with suckers to local and state government jobs, feed off taxpayers, and will grow to immense size unless removed." With the study still underway, Panjandray expressed caution. "These are only initial findings. We must not draw too many comparisons between tapeworms and the second largest public sector union. For example, tapeworms don't attack if you disagree with them." (Photos: &

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Mimes Explain Obamacare

WASHINGTON, DC - Fearful of angry constituent questions, Democratic congressmen have hired mimes to attend townhall meetings and "act out" the healthcare bill. Said Democratic Party spokesperson Tara Pung: "By using gestures and cuteness, the mimes will hopefully diffuse anger and cause people to laugh at their own foibles, rather than focus on a giant, unread plan to take-over the nation's health care." Results have so far been mixed. In Fayetteville, Arkansas, a mime appeared at a townhall instead of the local congressman. Rubbing his tummy, the mime frowned as if suffering a stomach ache. Next, the mime 'swallowed' a copy of the 1,000 page healthcare bill, acting like a python eating a pig. Once the bill was 'down,' the mime brightened and hugged himself. Constituents beat the mime with a folding chair. In Fudge, New York, a congressmen introduced a mime to a crowd at the library, then quickly left. The mime pretended to walk against the wind until he 'found' a copy of the healthcare bill. At that point, the mime straightened as if the wind had ceased and smiled in wonder. He was struck with the card catalog. Despite such incidents, Pung remained confident. "Speaker Pelosi assures me we have sufficient mimes to get through August. I want to say 'mime over matter,' but I won't." Photos: (Google &

Friday, August 7, 2009

Museum of Postal Rampage Gets Stimulus Bucks

TERRE HAUTE, IN - Local grump Larry Cousins received a welcome surprise in the form of a twenty-five thousand dollar stimulus grant, saving his job as senior docent at the Museum of Postal Rampage. The museum chronicles the bloody history of postal employee mayhem throughout the ages. As Cousins gave me a tour, we passed a senior group, staring at a diorama of the Great Pyramids. In the foreground, dummies depicted ancient Egyptian customers, attempting to mail papyrus scrolls, fleeing an enraged postal worker who stabbed wildly with a long spear.

In the galleries, clusters of school kids drifted between displays and artwork. A thick crowd formed around a video montage devoted to feminist pioneer Gale Pilsen. A Hartford, Connecticut window clerk, Pilsen smashed the gender barrier, becoming the first female postal worker to snap and go feral. In 1978, Pilsen shot seven customers and a supervisor before falling under a storm of bullets fired by police and co-workers.

Cousins stopped in the great hall of weapons. "Every weapon here was found at the scene of a post office rampage," he said morosely, sipping from a pint of Canadian Club. Cousins pointed to a pair of English crossbows. "Back in 1352, the Royal Collector of Post left Windsor Castle and walked into the courtyard on his break. He removed those two crossbows, hidden in the bottom of a cart. Reentering the castle, the Royal Collector shot the first person he saw, pinning a groom to the wall like a butterfly specimen. While reloading, the man was hacked to death by guards and children using swords and axes." Cousins huffed. "He probably wasn't appreciated. Nope, not one bit."

Next, Cousins pointed to a pair of flintlock pistols, a musket, and a tomahawk, taken from the body of Hansel Vonderhyde, the first American postal worker to flip out. Cousins explained: "In 1775, Ben Franklin hired Vonderhyde as a postal clerk in Bale, Pennsylvania. Two months later, a customer entered the post office with a poorly wrapped parcel. Vonderhyde went berserk and scalped him. He then charged into the street and wiped out half of Bale until the militia shot off his torso with a cannon."

Cousins knew them all - the Lugars and Uzis and AR-15s. But one question stumped him: "Why do they 'go postal?' Maybe it's the musty smell of mail that draws out the brute in a man." Cousins finished his pint and threw the whiskey bottle down, shattering glass across the floor. "Maybe they got tired of being passed over for promotion." Cousins removed a Thompson .45 caliber submachine gun from the wall. "Or else some sissy coward wrote them up for having a 'bad attitude.'" He released the bolt, sending a bumblebee-sized round into the chamber. "Maybe they got fed up with stupid questions."

With a roaring stutter, the Thompson spoke as Cousins opened fire on the senior group. But his burst was high, clipping off ball caps. By the time he lowered the muzzle, the seniors had scattered and gone to cover like quail. "Maybe someone is just having a day," yelled Cousins, smashing a window with the wooden butt. He fired a long burst, stitching a line of holes in the side of a passing UPS truck. "MAYBE SOMEONE IS JUST HAVING A REAL DAY AND A HALF!!"

Sirens whooped in the distance as I crawled out of the museum, grateful that the stimulus package continued to save jobs and change lives. (Photo: &

Thursday, August 6, 2009

World Court Hires Paula Abdul

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS - The International Court of Justice has hired former American Idol judge Paula Abdul to rule on cases pending before the body. Said ICJ spokesperson Claude Abney: "No one pays attention to us or our rulings. Perhaps the presence of Ms Abdul will change all that."Abney said that for now, Abdul would be confined to deliberation on matters involving 'movement.' He explained: "Because of her dancing background, you see, we are hoping Ms Abdul has a sense, a flair, for the intricacies of international law involving motion." A choreographer, jewelry maker, and star of Bravo's Hey, Paula!, Abdul's inaugural case will involve a maritime dispute over navigational rights between Peru and Chile. "Will this be difficult? Can't say," said Abdul. "But it beats working with a limey snot like Simon Cowell." (Photo:

Young Informants Club Snags Obama Speeches

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Whispering, sending furtive texts, the Landstowne, Maryland Young Informants Club was ushered into the White House as a reward for turning in forty-two parents, coaches and other adults who made critical or "fishy" comments about the President's Healthcare Initiative. Linda Douglass, communications director for the White House's America Salutes Snitches program, met with the youngsters, presenting a dozen tweens with a URL where they may download eighteen of the President's most famous speeches. In addition, the kids received DVDs that included John Ford's The Informer and Prince of the City. "These children have nothing to be ashamed of," said Douglass proudly, "provided they don't rat out communists or Chicago corruption. That would be creepy and contribute to a climate of fear." All forty-two adults will be required to attend Healthcare Disinformation Correction Sessions conducted by Senator Al Franken. "Hopefully, they'll learn the truth," said Douglass. "If not, we'll put an RFD chip up their butt and track them like tagged bears the rest of their lives. I'm thinking they'll go with 'truth.'"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Halo 3 Filled with Indecipherable Gibberish

KIRKLAND, WA - Bungie Studio's new stand-alone expansion for the popular Halo series will be released by Xbox with a soundtrack containing music, sound effects and indecipherable military gibberish. "We aren't sure what any characters are saying," said Bungie spokesperson Chip Jintry. "But it sounds kinda recon, kinda real, like the science on CSI." Jintry said Halo 3: ODST contains random number sequences, requests for 'sit-reps,' and meaningless math combos that sound like grid coordinates or targeting data. "I bought it," said Jintry. "But then, all my military experience comes from watching NATO air strikes on Live Leak. To be honest, in the gaming business, that practically makes me General Petraeus." Jintry states future editions - Halo 5: Tijuana R&R - will feature actual voices of ODST recon members ordering exotic drinks, laughing raucously and, later, talking in line outside a VD clinic. "We taped last year's Christmas party and got releases," said Jintry. "So that should work out pretty well." (Photo:

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Joker Outraged Over Obama Poster

GOTHAM CITY - Clown Prince of Crime, The Joker is furious over a poster using his features to portray President Obama above the word 'socialism.' Busy supervising the construction of a giant puppet that would spray poison gas into a children's hospital, the arch criminal explained: "I'm hounded by the cops and Batman and now my trademarked characteristics are used to belittle a man whose political style I respect. This is too mean spirited." The Joker hopes to learn the identity of the unknown artist and kill him in a bizarre, very public manner. "I thought of filling him up with helium and floating him over the White House until he pops in a messy way, but I already did that in Detective Comics, #102. Something else then, something snappy and cute."(Photo: &

Monday, August 3, 2009

New Smart Fortwo Equipped With Will

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Smart USA has announced the 2010 ultracompact Smart Fortwo will roll off the assembly line complete with a Last Will and Testament. "These little things have 70 HP and a three cylinder engine," said company spokesperson Artie Teaserman. "Research shows that collisions with anything larger than a cat usually results in occupant fatality." Determined to prove Smart Fortwo is paying attention, the company now includes a generic last will and testament sealed in a fire-proof compartment. "Our attorneys guarantee the will is a bona fide legal document and will stand up in court," said Teaserman. "Which is more than you can say for the driver." In addition to the will, 2010 Smart Fortwo models will include improved dome light, glove compartment and a new sport coin holder. (Photo:

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Obamacare & NASA Agree: Explore Space with Fat People

KENNEDY SPACE CENTER, FL - In a bold move, NASA and Congressional aides writing healthcare reform have agreed to explore the solar system with overweight Americans. "This innovative approach will eliminate a growing at-risk population from the healthcare system, while allowing NASA to save thinner, more photogenic personal for important missions," said Congressional spokesperson Meme Brown. The plan envisions the formation of a Bureau of Heft that determines who is overweight. Those designated 'encumbered' will be bused to the Space Center, shown a Presidential video thanking them for their service, then shot into the solar system to examine asteroids or Martian moons. "Computers and sensors perform all the work, so they won't have much to do." said Brown. "We're hoping a lot of the encumbered like to read, though there won't be room for actual books." Brown hopes the program will grow in popularity, thereby increasing funding. "That way, in time, maybe NASA can figure out how to bring them back...provided they weigh less." (Photo: