IPCC Defends Use of Divination

NEW YORK CITY, NY - A spokesman for the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has defended the panel's use of divination to forecast melting glaciers in the Andes. Said Sanjuk Patel, "We employed an Augur who watched the flight of various birds. By studying the birds' formation, he was able to predict that global warming was melting glaciers in the Andes. This man is credentialed at an important Augury school. What more do you need?" Answering his own question, Patel said the Augur's work was subjected to robust peer-review. "A Chinese sorcerer dropped a handful of magic sticks. When he picked them up, they all pointed in the direction of Chile." In addition, a man who dowses for water was asked by Patel whether the Andes' glaciers were melting. He felt it was probably so. "It's not like we pull this information out from between our hams," said Patel. "Global warming is too vital an issue to be left to chance."

SEC Demands Zombie Risk Disclosure

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a 3 - 2 vote, the Securities and Exchange Commission has ordered corporations to provide information to investors on business risks associated with the undead. "We've seen Resident Evil, said Chairman Mary L. Schapiro. "The Commission has watched all three movies as well as played Resident Evil 5 on Xbox 360. We know what happens when corporations fail to disclose the full truth—zombies appear and eat you up. That's not happening on our watch." The new ruling would require companies to disclose if their finances are affected by the undead, either killing and eating employees or tainting products with their saliva, which, in turn, could produce more undead who don't buy things. "This is a long overdue common-sense ruling that will help investors sort out the impact of zombies on a company," said Shapiro, "Here at the SEC, we like to be proactive, except for anything involving Bernie Madoff." (Photo: shockya.com)

9/11 Terror Trial to be Held in Atlantis

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Determined to find a safe spot to try terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Justice Department officials have backed away from the Big Apple in favor of The Lost City of Atlantis. "This is very forward-thinking," said Justice spokesperson Tyla Spitshaven. "And since no one's complained, I think it's a go." Reputed to have once been an island nation, Atlantis is said to have sunk beneath the waves before recorded history, and, according to legend, now rests on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. "There are logistical problems in transferring Mohammed, I won't kid you," said Spitshaven. "Plus we don't know what facilities they might have like, say, a good Greek restaurant for lunch. And do the Atlanteans even speak English or do they converse in some form of fish gibberish like in Splash? But these are minor problems." Officials have selected a spot in the center of the ocean which they claim is located directly above Atlantis. According to Spitshaven, "We're planning on exiting Mohammed from a ship into the sea with copies of the Health Care Bill tied around both ankles. He'll be instructed to report to Atlantean Marshals. And, of course, he'll be accompanied by ACLU lawyers."

iPad Presentation Overshadowed by iPad Jokes

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Apple chief executive Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad touch-screen computer at the Yerba Buena Center. The middle ground between a laptop and an iPhone, no one paid attention to Job's demonstration because the crowd was busy making tampon jokes. "Does it have a string attached to it?" quipped tech writer Angelina Meeble. "I can't wait for some chick in the next stall to ask if I've got a spare iPad." Jobs attempted to quell the humor, but finally settled for teasing Apple's next two products: a new laptop known as the iEnema and a new version of the iPhone called iCyst.

Students Participate in Global Climate Inaction Day

BEAVER FALLS, PA - Children at Joe Namath Elementary School are learning about spelling instead of recycling as part of Global Climate Inaction Day. "Most of the semester, our kids are taught about drowned polar bears and pretty island nations submerged by rising sea levels," said second grade teacher Terri Roytan. " So, on this one day, the school focuses on non-global warming subjects and just teaches math and reading, stuff like that." Roytan stated the school is under a lot of pressure from parents to make everyday climate inaction day, but dismissed the concerns. "If these kids don't go home frightened over anthropogenic global warming, we haven't done our jobs. But try and get parents to see that." Roytan believes the day of inaction may work in favor of a terrorcentric curriculum. "I'm pretty sure that after a day of history and quizzes, kids will be eager to sit back and learn how Man is destroying everything cute and good. We're telling kids Avatar is real and that they need to become blue to become green. Just not today."

Chemical Ali's Last Request: Recite Periodic Table

BAGHDAD, IRAQ - Former Saddam henchman Ali Hassan al-Majid, also known as 'Chemical Ali,' was executed by hanging shortly after requesting to name all the elements in the Periodic Table. "We said 'no,' because there are a lot of elements and it was hot," stated a government spokesman. There are currently 117 elements in the Periodic Table. Witnesses stated Ali named hydrogen, lithium, and sodium and had uttered the first syllable of potassium when the trap door sprung. "We usually give the condemed a customary last word," said the spokesman. "Cursing, weeping, threats, begging, remose, defiance, vows to haunt are all within bounds. But running through the Periodic Table was cheeky. Fortunately, we stopped him ['Chemical Ali'] at potassium. He was a dog in life and, in death, clearly violated the spirit of last words." (Photo: AFP via BBC)

Puppeteers Demand Anti-War March

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Under pressure from the National Large Puppeteers Union, A.N.S.W.E.R. will hold a march on Washington March 20 to protest the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. "People have been thrown out of work by the absence of anti-war marches," said NLPU spokesperson Andrew Frawn. "Many of our members have tried street advertising and children's television, but there's little call outside the anti-war market for devilish Uncle Sams or huge figures of Cheney in striped convict garb ." A fierce debate has broken out over whether to portray President Obama with a Hitler moustache . "Tough call," says Frawn. "If it's a 'yes,' someone may just alter a large head of Condoleezza Rice, add big ears, and paint on a moustache. But in all probability, we'll go with Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld puppets since we've got so stinkin' many." Frawn hopes the March 20 event kick-starts a dormant industry. "Our people need to be outdoors working huge puppets. That's our thing. That's how we roll." (Poster: A.N.S.W.E.R.)

Bye, Bye Death Panel Pie

The President comments on the recent Massachusetts' election.

h/t: 01armychick

Newest Ellie Light Posting

HONEST EARTHLING PRESIDENT FACES UNREASONABLE CRITICISM

Crab Nebula Post-Gazette

"A year ago, if we'd read that the Zron had ceased disintegrating our elderly, that the Ammonia Sea was drying up, or that outer space was warm and toasty we'd have known we were being lied to. We knew the problems this Earthling Obama inherited wouldn't go away in a single solar turn.

Earthling Candidate Obama clearly said an economy that took eight years to break couldn't be fixed in a year, anymore than you could repair an Omnaricon hyperdrive once the fusion core baffle had melted.

And Earthling Candidate Obama didn't feed us happy talk similar to the gurgling of an infant munching on rayon ore. He talked of hard choices, much like the choices faced by the Krondile when a red giant exploded and irradiated their system so it glowed like a small sun.

Today, Earthling President Obama is being attacked as if he'd promised Earth problems would depart just like dwarf oxygen pirates during perihelion. It's time for Earth Americans to realize that a president can't just wave a magic wand and fix everything. Though he could if he lived here."

Ellie Light,
Home Owner
Orion Star System

President Supports Malaria

ATLANTA, GA - In an attempt to eradicate new more deadly strains of malaria, the Center for Disease Control has asked President Obama to come out in support of the disease. "I guess you could say it's sort of reverse psychology," said Doctor Aiden Knead. "Everything the President backs ends up losing like Coakley, health care, you name it. So why not put his talent, if you will, to good use." In a series of PSAs taped at the White House, President Obama has urged the people of Africa, Asia and South America to plant mosquito larva in every mud puddle and damp spot they can find or create. 'Make no mistake," said the President in one PSA, 'there are those who say malaria will kill you. But I say catching the disease will be a memorable, enriching experience akin to your first kiss or finding a golden shoe.' Dr. Knead was philosophical, "Hopefully, malaria withers under the President's support. Sad to say, but the man has a Midas Touch: everything he handles turns into a car muffler."(Art: PD Photos)

Job Swap: Rice and Bernanke

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the face of senate opposition to the reappointment of Ben Bernanke as Federal Reserve Chairman, the President intends replacing Bernanke with UN Ambassador Susan Rice. "She's in Washington most of the time anyway," said an anonymous White House source. "Plus there's little chance she'll be involved in back-room deals or scandal, because she'll treat it [Fed Chair] like a part-time job and only show up for her paycheck." As for Ben Bernanke, he would assume Rice's post as UN Ambassador. "This is even better," said the source. "The UN is so screwed up, there'd be nothing for Bernanke to wreck. He might even accidentally get some of the public's money back. Problem is, he'd hand it over to AIG." The source stated the swap will be made soon, shortly after Joe Biden is exchanged for a lovable sea lion.

Salt the New Vitamin C

PALO ALTO, CA- A study using computer models indicates that an increase in salt is good for you. Conducted by Dr. Neil Fingler of Stanford Community College, the study recommends people increase levels by carrying around a bar of salt. "Lick it like a Popsicle while you're in line at the grocery store," said Fingler. "That's what I do. More salt you have the better your skin will preserve." Dr. Fingler is a fanatic about salt intake. "It's good tasting, and it comes in shakers and packets. It's like vitamin C only salty." While the Food and Drug Administration haven't responded to Fingler's study, the scientist is hopeful the FDA will take the lead and make public salt licks mandatory. "Imagine having a salt wheel on every other light pole in a big city? Some see what is and say why? I see what's never been and say, 'Let's add salt.'"

Brown Win Derails Collectivization of Agriculture

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Stung by Massachusetts Republican Scott Brown's senate victory, congressional Democrats are having second thoughts about pushing a plan to collective American agriculture. "We really missed our chance to turn the Midwest into a giant people's food factory," said Armand Bukharin-Perry spokesperson for the Congressional Progressive Caucus. "The House Agriculture Committee had already approved parts of our bill to put barbed wire around Utah and fill it full of 'kulaks.' But now everyone is worried about reelection instead of what's good for the nation." HR 2955, the '2010 Fun, Food-Making Act,' would have created 'farm cooperatives' to compete with private farms which would be heavily taxed, all crops and animals confiscated, males shot or imprisoned, and women and children left to beg or eat each other. "CBO estimated that total collectivization would've cost around 7 million dead," said Bukharin-Perry. "A small price to pay to remove corporate fat cats from the food business. Oh, well. There's always reconciliation."

Kennedy Seat Covered in Old Dip, Mai Tai Stains

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As newly elected Senator Scott Brown celebrated in Massachusetts, janitorial staff were hard at work cleaning former Senator Ted Kennedy's seat. "There's some kind of ranch dip embedded in the grain," said federal maintenance worker John Soo. "And Mai Tai spills have badly stained a chair leg. And there are animal bones. Many different kinds." Temporary Senator Paul G. Kirk, Jr. had refused to allow Soo to clean around the chair and desk. Said Kirk, "It's Ted Kennedy's seat. You don't Endust away history." Soo disagreed and hoped Brown would keep a clean work area. "Maybe he could bring crackers, but no animals. Ted Kennedy once brought a hot plate and tried to cook some kind of gull in a pot. It didn't go right."

Chinese Police Attack Internet with Clubs

BEIJING, CHINA - Chinese police armed with clubs have begun beating computers and high-speed cable lines in an attempt to punish Google. "Incorrect information, from a person or a search engine, must be met with sternness," said Chinese government spokesmen Wen Ma. Foreign observers living in China have suggested the attack is symbolic, a threat to students who seek unfettered Internet access. But Wen Man quickly disagreed, "We are striking physical objects with other physical objects because the police are trying to drive out the demon of political non-conformity. Also they really like hitting things with clubs like computers and Falun Gong and anyone with a zip code from Tibet." (Image: PD Photos)

Letter From the Earth to Danny Glover

Dear Mr. Glover,
I have big underground plates that rub together. The big plate rubbing causes earthquakes. Not global warming and not some dorky meeting in Copenhagen.

Do I talk about the acting moments you missed in Bat 21? Do I talk about how Mel Gibson carried you on his back through the whole Lethal Weapon series? (You should kiss that man's hand for extending your career. )

Anyway, stop blaming things on global warming. It's not a threat to me, really. Relax, get out more, kiss a woman. I wish I could.

The Earth

Headlines

• CNN Artist Draws Pat Robertson as Devil.
• No Artists Draw Danny Glover as Global Warming Goof.
• Conan to CBS; Will Host 'Survivor.'
• Mr. Gay China Beats Up Mr. Gay Tibet.
• 'Avatar' Audience Consists of Emos and State Workers on the Clock.
• Lane Kiffin Leaves USC for the University of Phoenix.
• Democrats Fly In People for Martha Coakley to Insult.
• New Bin Laden Photo Reveals a Mullet.
• Skin Diver Sits in Ted Kennedy's Old Seat.
  

Jeff Zucker to Run Coakley Campaign

BURBANK, CA - In the wake of managing NBC Universal, particularly the transitions of late-night hosts Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien, Chief Executive Jeff Zucker is bound for chilly Massachusetts to manage the flagging Martha Coakley senate campaign. "Jeff loves a challenge," said NBC Universal spokesperson Ale Penterwill. "He excels in subtle changes that have a big impact down the road." Rumors that Comcast Corporation, in the process of acquiring NBC Universal, ordered Zucker to 'take a break' are denied by Penterwill. "Why extend someones contract three years, then send them away from the entertainment world to run a political campaign? That would be like taking a number one show, giving it to someone else, and taking the host of your successful show and...oh, you get the point." Zucker is said to be urging Coakley to talk to more pharmaceutical lobbyists and Democratic insiders. "Voters like powerful people hanging out together," said Penterwill. "Maybe that's why Dynasty was so successful. Just a guess."

Inspired by 'Avatar,' Al Qaeda Dons Blue Paint

TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN - Energized by the alien slaughter of American troops in Avatar, Al Qaeda fighters plan painting themselves blue. "What a fantastic ending to a movie," said Al Qaeda spokesperson Abdul-Ghani Naser. "All those marines butchered. I went back to my cave floating on a cloud, like a nine-year-old girl on her wedding night." Eager to emulate the alien Na'vi in battle, AQ fighters, according to Naser, are having trouble finding the right blue. "All the men wanted the same shade, which they are calling 'Pandora Blue.' And they are willing to make stylistic concessions so the blue matches their ammunition belts. But in Pakistan, they only sold Periwinkle and this greenish crap called Tiffany Blue. We needed something more Azure." A fashion consultant from Paris attempted to reach Al Qaeda headquarters but was blown up in a Predator strike. "Some of his color patches survived," said Naser. "Hopefully, we can start coordinating uniforms until someone finds enough Pandora Blue to go around." Naser appreciated the work of Avatar director James Cameron. "Dead U.S. marines boost our morale like a beheading on a bright spring morning. If Cameron needs help blinding any women, he should just 'give a holler' as you Americans say. We owe him a solid." (Photo: commons.wikimedia.org)

Scientists Tag Martha Coakley

BOSTON, MA - Boston College scientists have succeeded in attaching a radio transmitter and a small camera to Massachusetts Attorney General Martha Coakley. "This will allow members of the press to safely follow her [Coakley's] movements," said zoologist Gale West, "Coakley travels in a pack surrounded by aggressive males. If anyone approaches too close, especially reporters, the males instinctively react to protect her from embarrassing questions such as her assertion that terrorists have left Afghanistan." West admitted difficulty in affixing the transmitter/camera. "We dropped bundles of cash from Merck and Pifzer in the backroom of an expensive restaurant, but Coakley was wary and stayed just out of reach. Finally we lured her close by dropping a huge bundle from the DSCC. That did the trick." (Photo: Public Domain Exploit)

Anti-War Video Game Features First Person Puppets

EVERETT, WA - See through the eyes of a giant puppet as Novacon/Deepgnome publishes Call of Protest, the first anti-war video game. Players assume the roles of protesters, organizers, and goofs in Uncle Sam hats as they march and chant, attempting to shut down a future war between the United States and the imaginary nation of Bellawania. While marching, players interact with a Washington, D.C. environment as they battle through counter-protesters, police lines, and a lack of washrooms. By kicking piles of trash dropped by other demonstrators, players can acquire the ability to walk on stilts, wear huge puppet heads with devil horns and a Hitler moustache, and carry signs with trenchant slogans such as "Screw Zionist Amerika" and "War Makes Me Sad and Weepy." Designed for PC, Play Station 3, and XBox 360, "Protest" features a special mode that allows players to cooperate in trashing a McDonald's or overturning cop cars. A time limit goads players to hurry, otherwise they risk being overtaken by the Naked Bike Ride for Peace. Call of Protest is rated Mature for scenes with naked old people and all that implies. (Photo: ESRB website)

Stone Compares Hitler to Chicken McNuggets Woman

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Working on a new documentary about dictators, Oliver Stone compared Hitler to the Ohio woman who punched through a McDonald's drive-through window because their weren't any Chicken McNuggets. Said Stone, "Hitler wanted something—Poland—it wasn't available, and he threw a fit. No one ever talks about his upside: Volkswagen's, a vigorous non-smoking campaign, and the 'life unworthy of life' program that killed the mentally ill so as not to burden the health care system. All we ever hear about is Jews, Jews, Jews, World War II." Stone also hoped to put Stalin's rule into perspective. "I see him as more a Burger King customer. In fact, I see Stalin as the Burger King himself, running out of Whoppers, forcing customers to praise the absence of food, while torturing the kid making French Fries into accepting total responsibility for the burger shortage, then killing him. Afterwards, there'd be a parade in the parking lot. I haven't worked it all out. But its important for people to know that Stalin cared deeply about tomorrow, even if it meant shooting everyone today." (Photo: Public Domain)

Scientist Trumpets Elephant Language

CENTRAL AFRICA - A researcher studying elephants has identified several key sounds that, when coupled with behaviour, translate into words. Said Ball State scientist Emily Dunklehoffer, "So far, I've identified three sentences clearly. They are:

• I have trunk worm.
• My big round feet hurt.
• Call me 'Jumbo' and you're dead.

Dunklehoffer has studied elephants for almost 20 years and hopes to one day publish an elephant thesaurus. "Other people are working on the dictionary. We hope to compile a lot of synonyms and antonyms. I think it'll help with research grants." Dunklehoffer then rolled in the mud to shield herself from biting flies, put on a tutu and ran in a circle until exhausted as the elephants watched and sadly shook their huge heads.
(Photo: http://www.hickerphoto.com/elephants-mating-205-pictures.htm)

NBC Replaces Leno with Indian Head Test Pattern

PASADENA, CA - Desperate after ending Jay Leno's 10 PM show, NBC executives have decided to fill Leno's old spot with an Indian Head Test Pattern. "Iconic," said NBC exec. Barry Shuckerman. "Once the Olympics end, we'll put up the test pattern with a variety of contemporary music playing underneath. Kinda different, kinda retro, kinda hip, you think?" With Leno, Conan O'Brien, and Jimmy Fallon facing programming chaos, the Peacock Network is desperate to quell revolt among over 200 affiliates. Shuckerman seemed upbeat. "If the test pattern works, we'll try using screen savers in place of other shows. I like the ones that show aquariums with fish and sunken treasure chests. The important thing is that, at the end of the day, I still have a job. I hope it works out well for Leno and the others. But if it doesn't, I still want my job. Or a better one. Oh, and good ratings. And a health club membership where they have free towels and stuff." (Photo: Wickipedia)

NEA Envies North Korean Poets

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jealous officials of the National Endowment for the Arts are seething over the ability of North Korean poets to align their art with political goals. "We're miles behind when it comes to supporting health care reform," said chairman Rocco Landesman. "Meanwhile, North Korean poets are ordered to write in support of light industry and agriculture. Before you know it, they've turned out verses like 'smelter's heart is seething with enthusiasm like molten iron.' Wow. And where are we? Forced to pretend we aren't socks on the administration's hands. Pretending can be so cruel. I'm going to endow myself." (Read more on Nork verse here.)
(Photo: music.umich.edu)

'Game Change': Angry Biden Voted for McCain

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Like the underside of a B-52, bombs keep falling from leaked excerpts of Game Change, including the news that in November 2008, Joe Biden voted for John McCain as president of the United States. Angered at the Obama team for sealing him inside a 55-galleon drum during conference calls, former Senator Biden, according to the book, pulled the lever for opponent John McCain in a fit of resentment and confusion. Drawing on anonymous sources, authors John Heilemann and Mark Halperin catalog the abuses Biden endured as vice-presidential candidate including having his hotel bed short-sheeted, constantly sent on photo ops with bee keepers, and forced to watch Harvey Weinstein beat an intern senseless with a bowling pin in return for a duffle bag of Hollywood cash. Furious when Team Obama chose his double for the vice-presidential debates, a frustrated Biden told one source, 'I can handle things. I'm smart, not dumb, like everybody says, I'm smart.' Game Change is due out January 11. Vice-President Joe Biden refused comment. Said Biden, "There's nothing to say. My double's actions speak for themselves." (Photo: flapsblog.com)

FDA Bans Gingerbread Men Over Cannibalism Fear

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Called a 'gateway food,' gingerbread men have been banned by the Food and Drug Administration because they may lead to cannibalism. "The science is in," said FDA spokesperson Hennesy Horner. "It stands to reason that if you eat a gingerbread man, you're practising for the day when you can dine on human flesh." Horner stated children are most at-risk, vulnerable to social pressure to devour gingerbread men and make screaming noises. "Naturally, we can expect this [FDA] decision to be called into question by those in the pay of Big Gingerbread and the Cannibal Lobby. They'll stop at nothing." The FDA insists it has no desire to go after gingerbread made in cookie sheets. "We're not zealots," said Horner. "Just a large federal bureaucracy with unsinkable jobs and piles of your money to spend." (Photo:howardcountymuseum.org)

Because They Care

h/t: Reason TV via Hot Air

President Calls for Bigger Dots

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After taking responsibility for recent intelligence failures, President Obama called upon the intelligence community to 'work with bigger dots.' "If our federal agencies can't connect the dots they have, then clearly the answer is to come up with bigger dots." Intelligence agencies refused comment on the President's remarks, stating they needed to examine all dots "in light of budgetary and security needs, whatever that means." In related news, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has admitted she is a CGI creation. "I was a work-in-progress for a commercial being done at Rythm & Hues before this job opened up. And while the lead writers gave me a ton of backstory, I've never been out on my own before. Please don't send me back. I only want to be real, 'kay?" (Photo: zimbio.com)

Brock Lesnar Slated to Fight A Building

LAS VEGAS, NV - Despite rumors he may miss all of 2010, octagon powerhouse Brock Lesnar has agreed to fight a two-story building. UFC President Dana said, "We haven't set the date yet, but Brock's style and aggression, coupled with the building's solid construction make this a must-see event." Experts believe Lesnar will employ his usual ground-and-pound tactics while the building will adopt a more passive stance, relying on falling materials. "Brock better be careful," said mixed martial arts analyst Zane Yipyani. "That building features Spanish style architecture. If he hits a supporting wall too hard, he could loosen a roof tile, and if one of those hits you, it's leaving a mark, even if you don't have a neck like Brock." According to Yipyani, Dana White intends planting a tape of Frank Mir inside the building, taunting Lesnar and calling him 'stupid' and 'a lumbering oaf,' similar to Mir's remarks prior to UFC 100. "Brock's a touchy guy," added Yipyani. "He doesn't like being disrespected, even by a structure." (Photo: bettorsedge.files.wordpress.com/2009/07)/brock.jpg)

Junkies Issue Guide on How to be New York City Mayor

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Heroin junkies across the city have issued a free guide book explaining how Michael Bloomberg could be a better mayor. Paid for with funds from the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, the guide book lists common sense tips such as 'hold press conferences,' 'ban cigarette smoking,' and 'promote heroin addiction.' A spokeperson for the mayor's office, Donald Meyerson, stated Bloomberg would read the book 'with interest.' "We like good ideas," said Meyerson. "Just because a person is addicted to heroin and committing burglaries and other crimes to support their habit, doesn't mean they lack keen political insight. After all, Stalin robbed banks and look how far he got in life." (Photo: news.santacruz.com)

TSA Requests 'Better Passengers'

NEWARK, NJ - In the wake of blunders at the Newark Airport, the Transportation Security Agency has asked congress for 'better passengers.' Said TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett: "The federal government should mandate that the only people allowed to fly are jolly, carefree people who don't have to be anywhere anytime soon. With passengers such as these, the TSA can focus like a laser on our job of security filming and keeping unauthorized people from entering certain areas." As a stop-gap measure, Whiskett suggested airlines only seat people on psychotropic medication or Brazilians. "Everyone I've ever met from Brazil is happy and upbeat and rolls with the punches. They don't mind hanging around an airport for a couple of days because TSA had a few minor glitches. From such stuff, frequent fliers are made; from such material will come passengers of the future." (Photo: charlesgoyette.com)

Kevin Jennings to CIA for Interrogations

LANGLEY, VA - Information has leaked that Safe Schools Czar Kevin Jennings has been transferred to the Central Intelligence Agency for the purpose of interrogating captured terrorists. "It's a legal end-run," stated an anonymous source within the CIA. "With water boarding off the table, the agency figured to pressure terrorists by having Jennings threaten them with various exotic sexual practices." According to the source, the off-beat sexual practices were tacitly approved by Massachusetts' educators and included by Jenings in a pamphlet issued to school children. Attorneys have agreed that they [sexual practices] would fall outside any legal definition of torture. The source admired what he termed a "brilliant move. The agency isn't even calling it 'interrogation.' They're calling it a 'diversity seminar.' We have the Safe Schools Czar instructing a terrorist in tolerance by punching him up the butt with an iron glove. Think he'll talk? Win win." (Photo: theknightshop.co.uk)

Study Confirms Chunky Men Marry Chunky Women, Not Pretty Baboons

BOSTON, MA - A new Harvard study revealed that chunky men generally marry chunky woman and not attractive baboons as had been commonly believed. The decade-long study defined "chunky men" as men under 5'3" and stocky, tending toward fat. "Chunky women" included woman under 4'11" and more hefty than fat. "Attractive baboons" were any ape that a lonely man could go for after 15 or 16 drinks. "This clears up a lot of misunderstanding, "said sociology professor Alfred Monteith. "I just gave an interview to a chunky men's website and they were delighted that finally scientific confirmation was available. Prior to our study, everyone believed chunky men automatically married baboons." Chunky women were equally glad as reflected in an editorial in their publication, Low to the Ground Quarterly. "The baboons made no rational comment," added Monteith. "They howl. They fling their feces. They return to their ape jabbering, which, I feel, bodes ill for humanity. But that's another study." (Photo:gettyimages.com)

Montana Allows Doctors to Commit Suicide

HELENA, MT - The Montana Supreme Court said nothing in state law prevents doctors from taking their own lives. "They have the medical knowledge and all," said Kyle Deever of Doctor's For Death, the group that challenged current law. "However, we're upset the court ruled doctors couldn't use drugs." According to the judges, doctors may freeze to death, shoot themselves or jump into a lake wearing steel boots. "Kind of an arbitrary ruling. I mean, the doctors would prefer using drugs," said Deever. "But with Medicaid about to expand, any kind of suicide is a good career move for an MD." (Photo: mostholyfamilymonaster...)

Coffee Cans Approved For Last Hour of Flights

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano has authorized airlines to issue coffee cans for passenger waste during the final hour of flights. "There's no need to leave your seat," said Napolitano. "Just signal the cabin crew and they'll hand you a coffee can. Do your business, hand back the can, then tear a page from the in-flight magazine to tidy up." Jubilant lobbyists from the coffee industry celebrated the news. "We worried the airlines might go with pork and bean cans or large pickle containers," said one lobbyist. "But this is great news for Big Java." Napolitano was pleased with her decision. "I suggest Americans begin using the rest room with the door open to get used to an audience. But minor drawbacks aside, everyone will now be safer somehow because I have a big, giant smart head." (Photo: ehow.com)

NEA Rejects Video

A heart-warming video was rejected for additional funding by the National Endowment of the Arts, who claimed the material too "bitter."

h/t: steveleeilikeguns

U.S. Frees Gitmo Terrorists For Future Kidnap Victims

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an unusual move, President Obama announced the U.S. would release all Gitmo terrorists in exchange for the promised release of any Westerners kidnapped in the future. "They [Islamic terrorists] weren't expecting this," smirked White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "We know that those responsible for man-caused disasters are going to kidnap someone eventually. But now, they'll have to release that person at once because we've already released all their people. One step ahead, I'd say." Al Qaeda spokesperson Abdul-Ghani Naser stated, "We agreed to the exchange, but, by the Prophet's beard, it sounds clever. If we kidnap someone new, the Americans could say, 'Look how many of yours we let go. You must free this fresh victim at once.' It will certainly make us think twice." Gibbs laughed, "Logically and morally we have them. This war business is easy." (Photo: allisonkilkenny...)