Robot Recommends Stop the Bleedin'

Money's no object when you print away,
Do like Wiemar or Zimbabwe,
And when the press eventually halts,
Point to Bush,
It's all his fault!

Federal Rules for Making a New Years Resolution

Nothing says 'individual effort' like Uncle Sam.
via American Digest

Exotic After-Christmas Bargains

Not everything sells. Ask the man who invented the Joy Behar sex doll. But in this post-Christmas period, let overstock be your friend. Get out and take advantage of certain rare and unusual gifts that didn't beckon to the general public but will appeal to the discriminating INI reader.

SNACKS FROM THE RACE TRACK
Popcorn, chips and Slim Jims all mixed together and cured with cigarette smoke; wrapped in an authentic racing form. Perfect for the family member who has read too much Charles Bukowski.

BABOON CRIB
Identical to a infant crib except the bars are made of tungsten steel and there's a cage top also made of steel. Inside features a water bowl and flea-ridden carpet. Good for exceptionally wild kids or a real baboon if you have one. Comes with a banana mobile.

ROBOT HEAD WITH EYE RAYS
Thank you again, Japan. This dashing conversation piece is an exact likeness of Imperial Army Col. Kiyonao Ichiki who shot himself after losing a battle to U.S. Marines on Guadalcanal. The head emanates a soft glow that makes it an excellent night light. However it periodically fires low-intensity lasers from its eyes that can ignite furniture if left on too long. There is a way to regulate the lasers but the instructions are in Japanese.

BACKYARD HOMELESS SHELTER
Inflatable shelter is similar to birthday bouncers but with folding cots, extra large coffee urn, AA literature, and sand-filled coffee cans for butts. Isn't equipped with homeless but, as the man said, if you build it they will come.

Ezra Klein's Constitutional Essay

Iowahawk has a copy.

Blizzard Hampers Anti-Smoking Program

NEW YORK CITY, NY - As finger pointing continues over the city's haphazard response to a devastating winter storm, Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg expressed concern about the fate of his no-smoking campaign. "Winter weather is natural but tobacco use is preventable," said the Mayor. "We can't allow a little snow to derail our efforts." Bloomberg triggered criticism for diverting snow plows to bodegas and convenience stores to ensure these businesses displayed posters of diseased lungs designed to frighten smokers. In addition, Bloomberg hired dozens of unemployed actors, sending them out into the storm to roam Manhattan wearing sandwich boards saying, 'Smoking is Not Permitted in New York City.' "Blizzards  make individuals tense," noted the Mayor. "And tension may be used as an excuse to reach for a cigarette. If a potential smoker sees someone wearing a no-smoking sign, it could remind them to think before acting." Many of the actors had not reported back, but Bloomberg was unconcerned. "Those sandwich boards are constructed out of durable wood. In a crisis, you could huddle down inside one tepee style. Once the  storm subsides, our people can return to work and prevent smoking. We're just going to hope for the best. Fortunately, New York City has plenty of actors. However those signs are city property." (Image: dailymail.com.uk)

Poets Inspired by 111th Congress

PITTSBURGH, PA - Awed by the output of the most productive lame-duck Congress since the 1960s, the nation's poets have responded with a variety of works praising the federal legislature. "People think we mostly write about love and trees, " said Audrey Corrigan, a local poet who sidelines as a barista. "But great deeds call forth great verse. In fact, I think those very words are from a poem, but I can't remember." While serving lattes, Corrigan recited several lines from a work-in-progress praising Harry Reid:
Ravine Face,
Desert Man,
Yes, We Can
Fund Ethanol.
Other poets felt called to celebrate the leadership of former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Garner Zane, a high school English teacher, recently penned an ode while on suspension for damaging school property with a trench shovel.  In part, Zane's work read:
Funny wide face,
Lips like ruby fish,
Old and Crazy,
But You Passed the Food Safety Modernization Act,
Now pass the gravy!
Or I'll hit you with a trench shovel!
Ha, ha, just kidding.
In a way.
Not all poems hailed legislative achievements. Poet Jules Tarponski wept bitterly when he heard Alan Grayson had lost his reelection bid in Florida. A Service Employees International Union official in Orlando, Tarponski found time to write about the former congressman in-between greyhound races:
Big and loud,
Like a thunder cloud,
How much cash,
Did we pump up your ass?
And you still lost,
Like every stinking dog I've bet on today.

U.N. Likely

Charity begins at home and so does home security, courtesy of the U.N.

Adding an 'F' to U.N.

A year's worth of astounding stuff thanks to the Daily Caller via Rightnetwork.

Bulbs Dim as Whale Lamps Light Up California

SACRAMENTO, CA - With the Golden State phasing out 100-watt incandescent light bulbs beginning Jan. 1, retailers are gearing up to sell lamps powered by whale oil. Once popular as an illuminant and a rust protector for iron bridges and dental implements, whale oil use diminished after the mid-19 century discovery of kerosene. But with incandescents being replaced by CFLs (Compact Fluorescent Lights) and CFL's having numerous drawbacks—mercury-filled, costly, odd twisty shapes—whale oil has been staging a quiet green fuel comeback.

In Cambria at Whales and Walking Sticks, owner Kadie Freeman sold another lamp and a half-barrel of fuel. "Baleen oil lasts the longest,"said Freeman, "though pilot whale oil will do in a pinch." Once a staunch member of Greenpeace, Freeman realized that drastic action was necessary to combat global warming. "All life on earth is toast if we don't immediately  reduce our energy consumption," she said, eyes alight with conviction. "Humans are giving up practical, easy-to-replace incandescent bulbs. The least whales can do is part with a little oil."

At New Lamps for Old in San Francisco, manager Billy Bitkin stated many customers liked the smell of whale oil. "It's very sea-like, very timbers-creaking-sort-of-thing." Bitkin can't wait until spring when eco tours embark on gray whale hunts. "Thar she blows," he joked. Bitkin and others sail out near the Farallon Islands, wait for gray whales to surface, then blast them with shotguns loaded with deer slugs. The carcasses are towed back to a cove near Sausalito where passengers don rubber aprons and help strip and boil down the whale for its oil. "When we're done, we each get a little keg of whale oil to take home," added Bitkin. "It's like ashes-at-a-funereal-only-practical-sort-of-thing."(Image: MSNBC.com)

Playmate Engaged to Aging Libertine

LOS ANGELES, CA - Elderly Man-Tramp Hugh Hefner announced his engagement to 24-year old Playmate Crystal Harris. The eighty-four-year-old Hefner, noted for founding a magazine dedicated to photographing naked women in leg warmers and baseball caps, presented Harris with a ring over the Christmas weekend. Younger by 3 generations, Harris, burst into tears, "We'll have so much to talk about. He can tell me about World War II and the Eisenhower administration." In a more serious vein, Harris added, "But my main task will be to make Hugh's little yacht cap spin, as well as pick up his robes from the dry cleaners." Hefner has vowed not to have sex with other women during the marriage ceremony. Harris was touched by that. "When I heard, I knew Hugh really cared. I mean, really." Harris grew philosophical,  "My marriage to Hugh is based on mutual respect and love and has nothing to do with me raking in big money through death or divorce. We were made for each other—only in completely different historical eras."(Image: SuperiorPics.com)

Merry Christmas and Zombies

Thoughtful holiday tips on dealing with the undead.

Gifts from the Hugo Chavez Catalog

Last minute items you can't just buy anywhere.

Serial Killers Hampered by Heavy Rains

SANTA ROSA, CA - Herman Belm had a body to discard but Mother Nature had other plans. "I threw this guy's husk into a drainage ditch," said Belm, who colorfully refers to bodies as 'husks.' "But the water level was so high, the husk got washed along about a mile then snagged on a bridge. Now anybody can see it." Belm's disposal dilemmas mirror those of dozens of California serial killers, forced to improvise during some of the worst rains ever to hit the Golden State. Belm has had victims escape his basement during black outs, seen his special manacle-equipped van wrecked in a flash flood, and lost his murder kit in deep mud. "I can't tell you how maddening this last week has been," moaned Belm. "I already believe everyone is against me and that I'm surrounded by numerous enemies. Then this storm rolls in and confirms every suspicion the voices have been telling me for years."

Other serial killers, though angry and frustrated, take a more philosophical approach. Gordon Zillmeiner, who kills migrant farm workers near Fresno, feels the rains are a sign. "I've been working so hard lately, plus the holidays. Maybe nature is telling me to ease off on the throttle a bit and enjoy life more." With another storm due to hit this weekend, Multiple Life Expungers like Belm and Zillmeiner must adapt as best they can. "My husk count is way down," raged Belm. "Hopefully it [incoming storm] won't last long. I'm ready to snap."(Images: associatedcontent; CNN)

Robotic Christmas

Seasonal poetry garnished with politics from Mind Numbed Robot.

Jewish Warlock Confirms Gitmo Ghost Cat

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - A Jewish warlock interrogator admitted creating an invisible cat that sexually assaulted a prisoner.  2008 detainee Walid Muhammad Hajj told Al Jazeera that an unseen cat attempted to penetrate his anus while he slept. Hajj stated the tactic was typical of those used by Jewish warlocks to break him and other Muslims. Investigating the allegation, Justice Department lawyers deposed a Jewish warlock who initially denied everything. Threatened with a grand jury, the warlock finally admitted to creating a gray tabby named 'Moshe' for use in softening up hard-case prisoners. Said the warlock, "So fine, magic is more of an art than a science. Moshe wasn't supposed to feckle Hajj; just cough up fur balls all night." Amnesty International's Ricardo Conklin was furious. "When will the United States realize that the immoral use of Jewish magicians can only blow-back on itself. Guantanamo will serve as a recruiting center for Islamic terrorists as long as there are brutal assaults on a man's rump by a ghost cat." Justice Department lawyers kept mum on what action—if any—would be taken against the warlock. An anonymous source stated, "Magic of any kind will be on hold until we've reviewed procedures. Pity. Those Jew warlocks could turn an oven mitten into a blueberry bagel that tasted great with cream cheese and French Roast. They couldn't create coffee or the cream cheese, but they ordered in." (Image: FederalJack.com)

Defiant Specter Barricaded in Senate Office, Refuses to Leave

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a bitter, peevish farewell speech, Senator Arlen Specter locked himself in his senate office, ignoring all efforts to coax him out. "I live in the United States Senate!" bawled the lame duck Pennsylvania senator through the locked door. "I am a Washington man. I am a little king." Specter aides reported hearing a bottle clink against glass leading some to speculate that Specter had been drinking heavily. A former Democrat who became a Republican before switching back to Democrat, then losing the 2010 Democratic primary to Joe Sestak, Specter's office rant was loud and non-stop, reminding many of the character of Lord Humongous from The Road Warrior. Explained one senate aide, "Arlen Specter isn't very buff but he's bald and can bellow forever like a castrated steer." Capitol Hill police eventually cleared the space in front of the office, reasoning that while Specter stayed inside he wasn't hurting anything other than the furniture. As aides and police departed, Specter switched his tirade to the Keystone State's voters. "I know what those feckless redneck, turd-kickers need, but they didn't want old Arlen. Fine. I'll run again in 2016. I'll disguise myself as an Indian squaw. That's it! I'll run as Mocking Crow, an old wise Indian squaw. None of those idiots will know." (Image: No Dhimmitude)

US Outsources Death Drugs

Our lethal injection 'cocktails' are supplied by the British, doing the jobs Americans won't.

FCC To Apply Semaphore Rules to Web

WASHINGTON, D.C.  -  In what is expected to be a ground-breaking vote today, the Federal Communications Commission has announced they will regulate the Internet using a 19th century law designed to control the improper use of semaphore flags. "We have the authority," said FCC chairman Julius Genachowski. "By law, all regulatory oversight from the Semaphore and Balloon Decency Act of 1889 reverted to the FCC upon its founding [in 1934]." Believed to have the three votes necessary for approval, Genachowski explained that the new regulations will somehow act as a brake on predatory wireless companies in a way not yet known. Observers were puzzled by the FCC inclusion of an 1889 law originally passed to curb the sending of adult messages across state lines by means of flags, rods, paddles or disks. Said Genachowski: "In the run-up to today's vote there were a lot of compromises and deals with Verizon and AT&T. We [the FCC] ended up granting various loopholes and exemptions. Frankly, I don't even understand what we're doing anymore. So when someone suggested we use the semaphore law, I said 'Is everyone onboard?' They were and so we did."

Headline Update

The Pentagon states it may take months to implement new rules replacing DADT. Until then, gay military personal are asked to follow a temporary policy entitled: Go Ahead and Ask but Don't Wear A Feathered Boa.

Winter Solstice-Eclipse Means Increase in Human Sacrifice

MONTREAL, CANADA - Experts predict Tuesday's rare full lunar eclipse, coupled with the winter solstice, will lead to a surge in human sacrifice, particularly among the homeless. "Something like this awesome eclipse means the devil is coming to eat us,"said Wiccan high priest Ember Nall. "An infant sacrifice would be best. Still, we'll probably just ritually kill a bum; it cuts down on police interest." But others refuted Nall. "The energy released by this celestial act is transformative, highly feminine and unrelated to Satan," said Marjorie Highsmith of the West Montreal Feminist Pagan Society. "Nevertheless, just to be safe, we'll ritually murder a non-female homeless person." As might be expected, astronomers take a different view. Professor Herbert Mackenzie of McGill University remarked, "December 21 begins the first day of northern winter when the full moon passes through the earth's shadow. This shadow will initially appear as a dark red section of the lunar disc. Earth's shadow or the bite of a giant space monster? Clearly, it's the earth's shadow. Nevertheless,  I intend to ritually slay a colleague who made some snarky remarks about a paper I wrote." The last time these two heavenly events occurred was in 1554 AD. During the darkness, it is believed Turkish troops ritually beheaded a tramp and several people with low-paying jobs. (Image: Drudge Report.)

Military Must Learn Show Tunes, Line Dancing

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Following yesterday's senate vote allowing gay military to serve openly, the Defense Department has ordered all active duty personal to learn show tune lyrics. Said Defense Department spokesperson Neil Feebner, "We intend to get out ahead of the ruling and be ready when DADT is officially repealed in two months." Denying rumors that "Fan Dance Cha-Cha" will replace Taps, Feebner stated troops will begin with songs such as "What About Love?" from The Color Purple and eventually train up to a Judy Garland medley that includes "This Could Be the Start of Something Big" and "Steppin' Out With My Baby." Senior officers must additionally know three Andrew Lloyd Webber tunes and one elective number from either Les Miserables or Annie.
Furthermore, a voluntary program of line dancing will be offered for service members, though proficiency will not be mandatory until 2012. "Anyone interested in promotion after next year better start learning to grapevine to 'Achy Breaky Heart,' said Feebner. "And that'll be an order." (Image: Medestino)

The Next Wave

It's enough to bum you out.

Hobosexuality in America - watch more funny videos

via Funny or Die

Polanski Denounces Assange as 'Sexual Creep'

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN - The Ministry of Justice received an open letter from Roman Polanski, supporting Sweden in its attempt to extradite Julian Assange in connection with two cases of sexual assault. The award-winning, international film director urged prosecuting Wikileaks founder Assange as a way of upholding basic morality. Wrote Polanski:
"Dearest Government of Sweden:
Please try Julian Assange without mercy for his unbridled, callous actions. Have this depraved sexual creep thrown into your dankest prison where his fey, pale looks will ensure he is used like a prostitute aboard an aircraft carrier.
We in the arts community hold ourselves to a higher moral standard than society in general. (I attribute this to our greater sensitivity and empathy for others.) Thus artists everywhere were mortified that Assange would betray two woman, using them for his own selfish ends—an act unthinkable in cinema. Sweden has the opportunity—no!—the duty to show the world that notoriety and fame are no defense when it comes to elemental standards of decency.
I stand with the victims.
Roman Polanski
PS
If it is necessary to hide the victims for their own good, I have a spare room in my Swiss villa."
(Image: Celebrity Smack!)

Meineke Car Care bowl Renamed Pumpkin-Sized Goitre Bowl

CHARLOTTE, NC - Starting next year, mid-conference finishers from the ACC and the Big East will meet in the Pumpkin-Sized Goitre Bowl thanks to The American Thyroid Institute. "We're thrilled to be a part of college football," gushed Gerald Wong, ATI spokesman. Primarily involved with the study of Class III goitres, the Institute will take over sponsorship of the annual football game held at Charlotte's Bank of America Stadium. According to Wong, 2011 events will include a pregame parade of people with pumpkin-sized goitres and a half-time show saluting iodine-131 used in the treatment of Class III goitres. In addition, Wong stated the ATI is currently recruiting attractive women between the ages of 18 and 24 to be the Goitre Girls. "They'll cheer both teams, of course, and add a dash of beauty to the spectacle." Wong said any beautiful woman with basic dance and movement skills could audition. Then he added, "But they'll have to agree to wear a large, false goitre while performing. It bolsters the ambiance." (Image: Wickipedia)

Oh, Shoot

Terrorist fail via Divine Ripples. Couldn't happen to nicer people.

Yodel Not, Good Helmut

Via Drudge Report: Know ye not the law, sir?

Harvard Halts Homophobe Hunt; Blames 'Books and Urine' Art Project

BOSTON, MA - Harvard University has called off the search for a homophobe vandal and now states that 36 LGBT library books soaked in urine were part of a new federal art project. Said Harvard librarian Amiee Lyttle-Klunder, "We should've remembered. Last week, Harvard participated in a project called "Books and Urine." Funded by a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts, the project involved local artists pouring urine from homeless people onto university books. Lyttle-Klunder continued: "The purpose was to demonstrate how universities deny [the homeless] a free higher education. We were told in advance and I guess the word didn't reach all the staff. So no harm, no foul expect for the urine smell. It's quite heady."

But Harvard's Queer Student alliance remains sceptical. "How come they didn't pee all over Christian books then jam a crucifix upside in a urine cup? That's how you know its NEA." Lyttle-Klunder hoped the misunderstanding would blow over, but defended Books and Urine. "Art is meant to be challenging; to shake you out of your comfort zone." Nevertheless she expressed reservations about a follow-up NEA project. "It's called "Books and Number 2." I hope it's not what I think it is. I really do." (Image: Shroomery)

Mixed Martial Peace Activists

Back with money in my pocket—just in time to spend it on Christmas fruitcakes. I hope all have been well or wellish. Here is some interesting news on a non-violent social experiment that ended dynamically. (Image: thenewblackmagazine.com)

Newsbusted

via Eyeblast.tv

We Are the Boat

Sincere, caring activists make a video.

Latma via Newsbusters

Fed To Use 'Cash Balls' to Plug Deepwater

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has vowed to end the Deepwater oil leak by stuffing trillions of wadded-up dollars inside the pipe. According to Fed sources, Bernanke has created huge 'cash balls' for the purpose of plugging up the oil. "Fed printing presses haven't stopped running since the Stimulus Plan," said a source close to the chairman. "We can't spend money fast enough and we're running out of storage space. Maybe the cash will do some good at the bottom of the Gulf." Bernanke plans on using visualization to improve his aim, pretending the Deepwater opening belongs to Goldman-Sachs, thus lending the operation an air of realism.

For Prophet Art

A skilled staff artist, working dozens of seconds, crafted this depiction of Mohammad. I'm not sure, but I think he's wearing a very large turban or a bean bag chair.

Away For A Time

Marie Kwabler wishes you all farewell and a pleasant blogging experience as she moves on to another division of life.

Posting shall be light as blessed paying work has intruded.

(Though I will participate in Thursday's Draw Mohammad Day.)

In the meantime, read, write and post to the best of your God-given abilities.

Be the Web.

Ling Carter - Editor-in-Chief

Peter Orszag: 'Obama Pledged Not to Raze Texas'

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Peter Orszag challenged the hearing of reporters, claiming President Obama never said a word about taxes during his 2008 campaign, instead referring to the state of Texas. "Candidate Obama was quelling an Internet rumor," said Orszag, White House Budget Director. "There was talk that, if elected, Obama would raze Texas in retaliation for the policies of George W. Bush. This would be a very costly and expensive action that might have burdened those making under $250,000 a year. To squash that rumor, the President firmly pledged not to raze Texas. Check out the You Tube campaign tapes, then go see an ear doctor. Nothing could be clearer."

Biden Tasered During Spanish Army Speech

MADRID, SPAIN - During a speech to Spanish troops delivered in English, Vice President Joe Biden was tasered by his own security detail. "This may cost me my job," said Glenn Howard, Secret Service agent. "But why would you address a foreign army in a language they don't understand? Biden does stuff like this every day. I can't stand it anymore." Once the darts were removed, Biden recovered quickly, seemed energized and alert, and finished his speech in flawless Spanish. "Howard is history," said an anonymous source in the Secret Service, "but he's given us a good idea."

Next UK Government To Be Decided by Rock-Paper-Scissors

LONDON, UK - Breaking Story - Unconfirmed reports state parliament may form a government based on a single round of rock-paper-scissors. Said one observer, "While Conservatives hold the majority of votes, they simply haven't enough to govern without the support of other parties. It's all such a confusing muddle. We need to act quickly. There's simply no time for important matters-of-state such as borrowing money we can't repay and sex scandals."

FCC Reclassifies Broadband as Telegraph Lines

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Federal Communications Chairman Julius Genachowski has reclassifed broadband providers as telegraph lines in a bid to regulate the world wide web and save it from Indian attack. "My goal is to protect consumers by making it more difficult for Indians to cut the Internet, or 'singing wire' as they call it, and deprive school children of access to Wikipedia." In a far reaching bid, Genachowski hopes to provide universal access to the web. "My model is government intervention in housing sales. Hopefully, I can leave the Internet in the same shape as the sub-prime market." In the future, the FCC intends to also regulate semaphore and anyone rapping out 'shave-and-a-haircut-two-bits.'

Haiti Tops Nashville in Disaster Derby

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a survey of 200 Hollywood and media figures conducted after last week's White House Correspondent's Dinner, Haiti topped Nashville as "Coolest Disaster" 59% to 19% with 2% undecided. A CBS reporter, who asked not to be named, said Nashville fell into a narrative gap. "I don't know. Nashville. Who cares? But Memphis would be a different story because of the Graceland angle." Justin Bieber's accountant was more direct, "Nashville lacks Third World Charm. They don't have anything sexy like voodoo or zombies, just country music." The remaining votes were split among runner-ups Venezuela, Mexico, and The Green Zone.

Newsweek Purchased by Bondage Magazine

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Struggling Newsweek has been bought by adult publication Bondage Weekly for an undisclosed sum. BW publisher Sid Shacklesworth intends taking the 70-year old news magazine in a new direction. "From now on, we'll be doing stories on people who are tied up and liking it. Maybe we'll keep some of the fruity opinion stuff for branding or something." Newsweek editor Jon Meacham blamed the magazine's demise on an accelerated newscycle, a failed redesign and a sea of red ink. "You can't lose money forever. But we sure tried." Changing the publication's name to Newsstrap, Shacklesworth asked Meacham to appear on the first cover trussed up in leather belts with a rubber ball in his mouth. "We thought it might be a fun way to transition." Meacham declined, deeply involved in his new job as editor of Farm Journal. "I wanted to put Obama on the cover, but the publisher said I had to use soy beans. That's journalism for you."

FDA Blames NY Bombing on Excess Salt

NEW YORK CITY, NY - An official with the Food and Drug Administration blamed high levels of sodium for Faisel Shahzad's attempted car bombing in Times Square. "We know salt-heavy diets threaten millions of Americans," said FDA spokesman Walt Meter. "Thus its entirely possible Shahzad, crazed by thirst from excessive salt, planted his bomb in a sodium-frenzy." Meter dismissed reports questioning sodium-intake health risks as "fiction put out by Big Salt." Meter felt blaming Shahzad's actions on Islamic jihad was "simplistic and fodder for racists," instead focusing on the need for the FDA to regulate the 600 billion dollar food and beverage market. "Do you really want to see children start the day with cracked lips because cereal manufacturers placed too much salt in their raisin bran? Do you want to see kids grow up addicted to the salt licks that will appear on every street lamp in this country if we do nothing now?" Meter called for the immediate banning of the Morton Salt Umbrella Girl, referring to the iconic image as "Joe Camel in drag."

Sleeping Giant Awakens, Visits Washroom

NEW YORK CITY, NY - A Sleeping Giant, awakened by the Arizona governor's signing of a strict immigration bill, failed to stay awake for long, visiting the washroom, then returning to slumber. Said Orth Kathunder, another giant: "Probably the scratching of the pen signing SB 1070 woke up the big guy. But he can be really grumpy pre-coffee, so maybe its not a bad thing he crashed again." Activists had hoped the Sleeping Giant's arousal would signal a move by Washington to tackle immigration issues, but Kathunder suggested otherwise. "He's called 'Sleeping Giant' for a reason. I think he's got a disorder, maybe sleep apnea, but I'm not a doctor, just an Awake Giant."

May Day Rally Calls For More Federal Funding of Rallies

LOS ANGELES, CA - Organizers fretted the low number of Mexican flags at this year's May Day Everyday Rally, which emphasized the plight of illegal immigrant rallies. "Without money how do we buy more Mexican flags, or signs painted with 'Azatlan,' and 'Reconquer the Southwest?'" asked organizer Juanita Renaldo-Melman. Participant emotions ran high this year following the recent passage of an Arizona law declaring illegal immigrants illegal. "A new law cries out for new rallies," said Renaldo-Melman in a lengthy speech, "Without other people's money our lives will be empty of marches. How will we justify college degrees in Racial Resentment and Agitprop? What will we do with stacks of turgid, hysterical fliers? How will we ever transform California into a big fun laboratory for kooky leftist ideas? Wait, scratch that last part." Leaving behind mounds of trash, the rally evertually broke up as Renaldo-Melman thoughtfully watched the crowd disperse. "By education and temperment, I'm only qualified to scream 'racist' and 'Nazi' through a bullhorn. If we don't get more federal money for rallies, I'll end up at home, bellowing at Fox News. My family's already told me to chill. I need a rally, dude."

Imagine Mohammad Day Big Success

FROM THE EDITOR - Our first Imagine Mohammad Day was a solid win, with thousands of readers from around the world quietly envisioning what the Prophet looks like. Our famed Hollywood psychics, who prefer to remain anonymous, had quite a chore choosing winners, who also preferred remaining anonymous. Using rigorous subjective guidelines, the psychics selected three. See if they match up to your thoughts.

3. A man in Lutefisk, Norway saw the Prophet as John Goodman in Raising Arizona only dressed like someone from a Vegas floor show version of Scheherazade.

2. A former twin in Limpopo, Congo imagined Mohammad as a cute baby hippo eating 40 to 50 melons.

1. An active member of New York City's Revolution Muslim website pictured the Prophet Mohammad dressed as a Girl Scout (with a Computer Fun badge) on a flying horse, dispensing chocolate mint cookies from a box inscribed with the crescent moon and sword.

Second and third place winners receive a year's subscription to the Interesting News Items print edition, currently in the conceptual stage. First place winner receives an all-expense paid imagined trip for seven to Quito, Ecuador. Thanks to all who engaged in anonymous imaginings. Start thinking for 2011 when we'll add a special challenge!

Ling Carter - Editor-in-Chief

Iran Vows Support for Love Your Body Day

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Following its election to the UN Commission on the Status of Women, Iran has promised to promote an international Love Your Body Day. Based on the National Organization for Women's program, the campaign fights unrealistic female body images as promoted by fashion, beauty, and diet industries. "Unrealistic body images lower a woman's self-esteem," said Mullah Bahman Okhovat, head of the Iranian delegation to the commission. "We want women and girls everywhere to know it is 'okay' to be you...provided you cover your whore face and don't ever read." Mullah Okhovat hopes to shift world focus away from what he terms 'feminist side issues.' "What's the point of decrying female genital mutilation, honor killings, and tossing acid in the face of schoolgirls when cosmetic manufacturers grow wealthy selling women on dissatisfaction?" With plans to fund a film on how-to-spot beauty stereotypes, Mullah Okhovat believes the commission is finally on the right track. "Let's create strong, diverse, active women who like themselves. Then let's create strong, diverse women who like serving men. And if they don't like that, they can be quiet and serve men. And if they don't like that, we can hang the sluts from a crane. So you see, there's a lot of work ahead in the field of women's issues."

San Francisco Bans Travel to Arizona by Feces Art Troupe

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Angry over Arizona's new immigration law, Mayor Gavin Newsom banned all travel to the state by a city-sponsored troupe specializing in feces art. "If they want to keep their grant, they'll stay away from Arizona," said city spokesman Dabney Overton. The New Crap Players, who act the works of Harold Pinter on a stage littered with dung, have been performing The Caretaker to sold-out houses in the Bay Area, but had no immediate plans to tour. "I don't know why he [Mayor Newsom] said that. We weren't planning on visiting Arizona or anywhere else," said Crap director Jay Helian. "Besides, we're not really into travel. We'd have to pack all our shit." According to Overton, Mayor Newsom is determined to starve Arizona of the Bay Area's finest city-sponsored art. "If Arizona doesn't repeal their immigration law, they can forget ever seeing Bearded Men in Blue Eye Shadow Dancing While Dressed as Nuns. No way. Too bad. They'll only have themselves to blame."

Ft. Hood Report Blames 'Easy-Accesibility of Firearms'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A revised Department of Defense report on the November shooting of 14 people at Fort Hood has centered blame on the ready availability of firearms at U.S. Army bases. The report concluded: "While Major Nidal Malik Hasan, a radical Muslim, may have pulled the trigger while screaming 'Allahu akbar,' the greater fault lies with those who filled Ft. Hood with guns, turning it into an armed camp." The report's recommendations included a Tanks for Running Shoes buy back program and a "pledge to be taken by all soldiers, renouncing violence and embracing a smart, common sense approach to conflict resolution that sees all sides as friends who haven't bonded yet."

Friday is Everybody Imagine Mohammed Day

FROM THE EDITOR - For anyone skittish about the upcoming Everybody Draw Mohammed Day on May 20, INI will be instituting a safe alternative. This Friday, April 30, we invite everyone to imagine what the Prophet Mohammed looks like. Do you see him as a bear of a man with hair on his triceps? Or is he a little fellow, fierce in battle, but with tiny hands and feet? Are his trousers flowing and voluminous, large enough to hide a lamb shank? Might his turban be cocked at a rakish angle like Bob Crane's hat in Hogan's Heroes? You decide. After all, its your imagination. For those still worried about possible offense, we have consulted a Koranic scholar who has assured us of three things:

1. There are many violent threats in the Koran.
2. None of them involves imagining what Mohammed looks like.
3. There is a Koranic verse that says, "Hast thou not seen how thy Lord dealt with the owners of the elephant?" Our scholar isn't sure what that means, but he is fairly certain the owners of the elephant weren't imaging what Mohammed looked like.

So set aside some time Friday, sit back, and mentally craft the Mohammed you've always wanted to view. No rush, but stop by 8:00 PM Pacific Time. We are contacting a number of Hollywood psychics who will surf the sea of mental images and select the top three.

So good luck and happy imagining!

--Ling Carter, Editor-in-Chief

Hawking Warns Aliens May Be Like Larry King

CAMBRIDGE, UK - Professor Stephen Hawking believes in extra-terrestrial life, but warns it may consist of larger, more powerful versions of Larry King. "In an infinite universe there are infinite possibilities as to how life may develop," said the noted astrophysicist. Hawking suspects sending probes and radio signals into space searching for aliens could lead to trouble for Earth. "Why risk the possibility that aliens developed into gabby, aging cable hosts with advanced technology? What if they started droning on, pandering to celebrities and powerful Democrats, sonorous gab without end? Gab that we were powerless to stop?" Hawking felt it would be wiser if Earth launched probes, but used the address of another planet. "That way we could observe whoever, or whatever, showed up. But who answers an invitation to visit a stranger's home? Larry King would. That's why we must be careful."

Armenian Genocide Labeled 'Historical Slip'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a speech at the White House, President Obama labeled the 1915 massacre of Armenian citizens by the Ottoman Turks a 'historical slip.' "There are times when nations, like problem drinkers, fall off the wagon. Such an event happened to Turkey," said the President. "They stumbled briefly and killed hundreds of thousands of Armenians, but now they've stopped." Despite pulling back from a campaign promise to label the killings 'genocide,' the President's statement irritated the Turkish Foreign Minister. "It is a well-known fact the Armenians overdosed on sleeping pills in the Syrian Desert. Tragic, but is Turkey to be blamed forever? My government was going to present President Obama with a special fez. The tassel featured alternating strands of orange and blue, the colors of the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. But he wants to point fingers so forget it. Nothing. May he slip on a putting green and fall in a sand trap." Obama concluded his remarks by applauding "the indomitable courage of the Armenian people who almost smoke as much as I do."

Obama: 'More Porn' Key to Financial Regulation

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Citing a report on porn addiction by SEC employees, the President called for 'unfettered access' to internet pornography sites as the key to financial regulation. In a speech to a maritime college not far from Wall Street, President Obama stated Security and Exchange Commission regulators were forced to spend so much time bypassing porn filters on work computers they couldn't catch Bernie Madoff or stop economic meltdown. "'For want of a nail, the shoe was lost,'"said Obama. "By hindering our first-line of financial defense from easy access to bigbrazilianjugs.com we denied them a simple pleasure, forcing them to work around, instead of with, the system." The President proposed giving the SEC larger, faster computers, more Flash drives, and office doors with deadbolts. "These tools will allow our regulatory sheriffs to relax, regroup then catch those who think the system exists for their own selfish benefit."

City Celebrates Earth Day with Wind-Powered Traffic Signals

COSTA LUNA, CA - Determined to lead the way in sustainability, Costa Luna has become the first U.S. city to feature wind-powered traffic lights. "We use clean energy with zero greenhouse gas emissions," said Mayor Andrea Neeper-Klon. "Our turbines turn 24/7...or would if the wind were always blowing." According to critics, that's been a major problem as frequent high pressure conditions leave Costa Luna hot and windless, stranding motorists at traffic signals for hours at a time. "You've got people climbing 70-foot wind towers, trying to spin big blades," said Cam Delore of Citizens For Normal Traffic Signals. "Someone's gonna fall and hurt themselves." Even with wind, vehicles are in danger of being struck by falling birds, killed by the whirling turbines. Neeper-Klon acknowledged the problems and promised to install gas generators to spin the blades on windless days. As for dead birds, children collect them as part of the city's Green Awareness Program. "Kids drop the birds off at homeless shelters were they're incorporated into nutritious, healthy suppers. Later, the homeless people make paint scrapers out of the beaks and claws, which they sell for cigarette money. Isn't that green?"

'South Park' Offices Moved to Mountain Fortress

HOLLYWOOD, CA - In the wake of death threats to the creators of South Park, Comedy Central has moved the show's offices to a mountain fortress in the Sierra Nevadas. "This relocation was scheduled some time ago," said Comedy Central spokesman Baxter Loren. "And has nothing to do with a recent episode depicting a certain religious figure in a bear costume. A figure whom, I might add, founded a religion of peace." Purchased from the Air Force in the late 90s, the mountain fortress has been used to store computer tapes and old puppets. Now it will house South Park as part of corporate cost-cutting measures. Said Loren, "Office space is very expensive in Los Angeles. And while employees may incur some out-of-pocket cost commuting several hundred miles a day, Comedy Central owns the fortress so we don't have to amortize rent. Also, the move has nothing to do with a recent episode involving the founder of a peaceful faith and some vague threats by his followers to behead Trey Parker and Matt Stone [South Park creators]. I stand behind Trey and Matt a thousand percent even though I hardly know them, don't agree with their humor, and certainly don't condone anything that might incite a man-caused disaster."

Olbermann Ratings Top Volcano Cam

NEW YORK CITY, NY - Delighted MSNBC executives celebrated as talker Keith Olbermann's Countdown show outdrew a video camera showing images of the Iceland volcano. "Viewers wanted something hotter and that was Keith," crowed MSNBC assistant VP David Tinnear. The volcano video is being aired on rival CNN. Still smarting from a recent beat-down at the hands of the Circus News Channel, CNN has been described by insiders as 'free-falling' as they scramble for shrinking audience share. Said one anonymous source, "At this point, putting up a volcano 24/7 wasn't hurting us. In fact, we picked up Lava Soap as an advertiser. Hopefully, viewers will return to CNN now that we're willing to try anything." As for MSNBC, Tinnear says they may expand Countdown to 4 hours a night, Monday through Friday. "You reinforce success. Clearly, people are choosing Keith over other non-Fox cable options."

All Dolled Up

A man, strong drink and a Barbie car via The New York Times.

Task Force Adds Congress to Childhood Obesity Initiative

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A task force set up to facilitate Michelle Obama's Childhood Obesity Initiative has expanded to include members of Congress. Said Parker Ney, spokesman for the 'Let's Move' campaign: "We realized our plan had forgotten the pudgiest toddlers on the planet - members of the House and Senate." The First Lady was not pleased with the inclusion of Congress but the task force persisted. Explained Ney, "They [Congress] are so very porcine. At the same time, its difficult to think of them as adults." Citing a fattening diet of pork and special sweets snatched from the palms of lobbyist friends, Ney hoped to reduce the congressmen within two election cycles through actions such as vigorous exercise incorporating long walks away from public office. "It'll be tough. Some haven't had their great, fleshy heads out of the federal trough in decades. But with the public's help plus counseling, support and a newsletter, we can watch our Congress go from Michelin-obese to a smaller size. Maybe just big and fat."

NCAA Approves 4x400 Tax Code Relay

PALO ALTO, CA - Hoping to fan interest in track and field, the NCAA gave colleges the Okay to add a relay event using the income tax code. "Relay teams are used to handing off a light baton," said NCAA spokesman Jesse Momgwer. "Now a runner must circle the track until he's stacked all 20 volumes of Title 26 Code of Federal Regulations behind a teammate. Then a simple tap on the shoulder signals the next runner to grab a handful of books and fly." In a demonstration race held at Stanford, the Cardinal Men's 4x400-meter relay team squared off against the Oregon Ducks. Each team employed a different strategy. For the first leg, Standford's Garret grabbed two volumes under each arm and took off like a man stealing small pigs. But Oregon's Gillman stacked four volumes under his chin, then ran like a nerd in a library. Garret finished first, grabbed two more volumes and sprinted down the lane, eventually taking ten laps to deposit almost 17,000 pages behind the Cardinal second-leg runner. However the Duck's Gillman finished in eight laps, despite dropping a stack and badly bruising his foot. Eventually, Oregon edged out Standford, when Duck anchor man D'Quan James staggered across the finish line with the last volumes in just over 171 minutes and 16 seconds. Said Momgwer: "A normal 4x400 relay takes around 3 minutes and ten seconds so this event shouldn't lead-off a meet. But once the athletes stop dropping volumes and kicking them in frustration, we'll cut that time considerably. Overall, I think the combination of speed, strength, and strategy will make the 4x400 tax code relay a crowd favorite. And just wait until they add the health care stuff." (Photo: labelmaster.com)

Ahmadinejad Letter to Obama: 'Where is My Bow?'

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a cross letter to Barack Obama, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded to know when the President would bow to him. "You are like one of those novelty drinking birds that dips perpetually into a glass of water...except when I show up. I am embarrassed. Every world leader gets a bow except me." Ahmadiejad hoped the President would consider a video conference where Obama might perform his signature bow of deference. "I will incline my head in amusement like everyone else," said the Iranian President. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs stated the Presidential bow was not for everyone. Explained Gibbs: "[The President] bows only to nations he wishes to sponge money from. Since we don't, as yet, want to borrow money from Iran, the issue is a non-starter." The letter also made reference to Iran's nuclear program which Ahmadinejad described as "only for civilian purposes or incinerating Israel. Nothing more."

SEIU Assumes Control of NASA

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a major reshuffling of the space program, the Service Employees International Union has assumed management and direction of NASA. "Space industry employees will finally get meaningful work," said union spokesman Dominic Manchili. Along with canceling the booster-rocket Constellation program, unionizing is just another piece of President Obama's space exploration vision known as, 'All Slow Ahead' "It's about the proper use of people," said Manchili. "You got a lot of physicists and scientists wasting their time looking up at the sky when they could be working phone banks for Democratic candidates." Manchili says SEIU hopes to re-orientate NASA toward a community activist model by the 2010 midterm elections. "These space people need to be paying union dues, registering voters and smacking teabaggers over the head with pipes. After November, they can call in sick for all of 2011. Now that's a future worth fighting for."

Blind Lust

Via Drudge: Porn magazine for the blind relies on feelings.

'Prince of Persia' Plus Remake Will Be Released Together

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Disney has announced it will release feature film Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time along with its 3-D remake this Memorial Day. The unusual idea is the first attempt by a studio to simultaneously release a remake of a film no one has yet seen. Said Disney feature spokesman James A. Hardy, "We're so confident audiences will love 'Prince,' we've gone ahead and remade it, positive the new spin will enchant viewers. Plus its 3-D." Based on the video game developed by Ubisoft, 'Prince' follows young royalty teaming up to stop an evil ruler from unleashing a world-destroying sandstorm. Prince of Persia: Against the Grain, is the comedy remake set in Southern California where the young royals are now 21st century, detective-surf bums hired by a Saudi prince to find out who stole his kingdom's sand. Hardy was excited about the May 28 opening. "It won't be two-for-the-price-of-one because we want people to see 'Prince' then pay for a second ticket to see 'Grain.' But it is the fastest remake in industry history. Plus its in 3-D."

Past Beheadings No Excuse for Holding Gitmo Suspect

WASHINGTON, D. C. - A Judge has ruled the U.S. may not hold a Guantanamo Bay, Cuba detainee over fears he will return to beheading people for Al-Qaeda. "He must be released," said U.S. District Court Judge Aaron Goodstool, "and his big sword returned to him." After lopping off the heads of four Western aid workers in Afghanistan, Hasid Salmeh was captured in 2002. Judge Goodstool has ruled the government's evidence is insufficient and that Salmeh must be released if religious worship is to mean anything. "We have no right to judge," remarked Goodstool. "Because a man pursues his faith aggressively is no reason to deny him the company of fellow worshipers. Let's not make a mockery of the law."

Downsizing Disasters

Cracked considers cases of criminal understaffing.

INI Interviewed

At this place.

Farmville Gold Coins Rescue Social Security

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Spending more than it takes in, the Social Security Administration was heartened by a Congressional Budget Office report showing the administration could be solvent this year if all future payments are made in Farmville gold coins. "We asked the CBO what would happen if all the gold coins in Farmville could be taxed per player transaction," said social security spokesman Harold Munchen. "Then what would happen if the administration issued checks redeemable in these coins. The CBO, I'm delighted to say, replied that under those conditions Social Security would be solvent by the fourth quarter of 2010 and running a surplus." When pointed out that Farmville coins are a cyber currency good only for purchasing cyber objects on an Internet game, Munchen grew defense. "Look, I didn't make up these figures. They're from the non-partisan CBO. But if people are worried, they can visit our website, use a credit card, and purchase their own disability or retirement benefits on a monthly basis. In turn, we'll send them a check they can spend anywhere and not just on Facebook." Munchen went on to say this latter method is preferred by the government since it avoids the need to print more money or borrow it from the Chinese. "If you can afford to buy monthly benefits, then be a good American and do so. But everyone will be eligible for a Farmville-backed check. That's why the U.S. will never end up like Greece. We're too smart."

Tea Party Devours Minorities, Litters

PASADENA, CA - Credible reports have surfaced that Tea Party members have cooked and eaten minorities, then thrown their bones across a public park in defiance of anti-littering ordinances. Sources close to MSNBC state the incidents took place at a recent Tea Party gathering at Brookside Park. Minorities were taken from cages, then roasted on spits or boiled in big pots. Said a close friend of Keith Olbermann, "Keith saw it all in a dream. It was horrible. The cook was dressed up like Glenn Beck. Keith clearly heard him say, 'Man, do I lust after the flesh of those most-at-risk.' According to the source, the victims' bones were later tossed on the grass despite the presence of clearly marked trash containers as well as posted signs forbidding litter. State Democratic Party spokesman Bailey Mullhouse promised an investigation. "We suspected things like this were happening at tea bagger parties. But to have it confirmed by a hard-nosed, sceptical media outlet just goes to prove you can't make this stuff up."

Warners Jumps On 3-D 'Night of the Lepus'

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Warner Bros. announced plans to remake sci-fi bomb, Night of the Lepus. The 1972 story of giant rabbits attacking humans in the Arizona desert will be done over in 3-D. "You'll think big, flesh-eating bunnies just jumped in your popcorn," laughed Warner marketing spokesman Dori Ross. Using an expensive 3-D process to rejuvenate a bad film seems risky, but Ross was confident new 'Lepus' will soar. "We're going all-in with the environmental message. Instead of old school fears like overpopulation, we're breaking new ground by attacking soft drink manufacturers. Sodas are the new tobacco." In the 2010 version, the only people killed by giant rabbits are those drinking cans, bottles, and liters of soda. Often, soda-drinking characters escape by hiding, but a carbonated belch gives them away and they're slain by rabbits. Characters drinking spring water or natural fruit juices always escape, no matter how desperate their straits. Said Ross, "We think there's action galore for the teen male demographic and subtle nuanced politics for older female audiences. Still, we need to sneak in a message that sodas are Okay provided you're watching this movie."

Young Urban Drivers Dig Backhoes

SEATTLE, WA - Worried over sticking gas pedals, 20-something urban drivers are ditching Toyotas in favor of the John Deere backhoe. These mobile excavators, sporting a digging bucket and a two-part articulated arm, now dot parking lots of universities, law offices, and software design firms from San Francisco to Boston. "I had safety concerns with my Prius," said University of Washington law student Patricia Newman. "But my backhoe is super dependable and you can carry books and groceries in the bucket so its green too." Backhoe owner Gary Bruno, a video game developer at Bungie, enjoys helping out at construction sites. "Sometimes heading home from work I'll pull over and assist a county road crew digging up pipe. They don't always appreciate it, but it gives me an awesome feeling." John Deere officials, delighted with the upswing in sales, are puzzled over the backhoe's popularity. Said company spokesperson Howell Gorman, "This isn't something I'd take out to get a latte macchiato, but whatever." Responding to customer demand, John Deere has issued its first teal backhoe. Gorman states they have additional models coming out in peach and coral. "Too bad the kids didn't take a shine to harvesters. We make a great one with a shredding straw system. But they'd have a hell of a time getting into office parking spaces and malls, so there's that." (Photo: Public Equipment)

Liberal Alzheimer's: When You Forget to Call Someone 'Racist'

BALTIMORE, MD - There was a time when progressive Gale Harrington couldn't discuss tax cuts with libertarian neighbor Dave without calling the man a 'heartless, greedy racist thug.' But those days are gone as 72-year-old Gale slips into the twilight of liberal Alzheimer's. "It's so sad," sobbed Joya Harrington, Gale's wife of 42 years. "Gale and Dave always argued politics. After a few minutes, Gale would call him an 'ignorant racist hatemonger,' or a 'racist-sexist-homophobe-tea bagger.' But now days, Dave says the healthcare bill will crush small business and Gale replies with weird stuff like, 'I guess we'll just have to disagree.' That's not the man I married." A form of dementia, liberal Alzheimer's is the result of chemical and structural brain changes that destroy the ability to employ caustic labels designed to stifle contrary opinions and reshape the terms of debate. Like many liberal spouses, Joya is at a loss. "We used to sit together watching Keith Olbermann. Gale would jot down down phrases to use like 'evolutionary regressive.' Now he just sighs and says, 'Dave should watch this. Then we could chat about the issues.'" Joya believes the disease is advancing. Recently, she made Gale listen to 3 hours of Rush Limbaugh, but her husband's only response was, 'That fella is wrong. I sure wish I could enlighten him.' In her struggle, Joya takes comfort from one fact: "It's a progressive disease. So it must be good."

Graft Upgrade for Windy City

CHICAGO, IL - Mayor Daley rues outdated corruption distribution system courtesy of The Onion.

Full-Body Scanners Aid TSA Sexual Fantasies

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Able to see through clothing, full-body imaging machines have improved the sexual fantasies of TSA employees. Said TSA spokesperson Larry Whiskett, "This vital piece of technology eliminates wondering what a woman might look like underneath her garments. Crucial time is no longer at lost at airport security stations pondering whether breasts were round and firm or pendulous like ripe guava." Whiskett pointed out that improved sexual fantasies come with a cost. "More employees are taking extended restroom breaks. But this is a small price to pay for national security." There are 46 machines in place at 23 airports with more on the way. Whiskett would like passengers disturbed by full-body scanners to remember the "TSA is America's first line of defense against privacy and large bottles of lotion."

Scientology Sea Org to Battle Somali Pirates

CLEARWATER, FL - A spokesperson for the Church of Scientology International announced its Sea Organization is en route to Africa to fight Somali pirates. Departing from Curacao in the Netherlands Antilles, the elite church members sailed aboard the Freewinds, a former cruise ship sporting 3-inch navy surplus guns and a cargo hold filled with L. Ron Hubbard books and Dianetics literature. Said spokesperson Lyle Divoton, "The church is eager to keep the seaways safe as well as offer any captured pirates a free personality test."

Crewed by OT VIII (Operating Thetans Level 8), Scientology's highest level, the Freewinds hoped to reach the Indian Ocean by mid-April and commence naval operations, consisting of patrols and broadcasting the soundtrack from Battlefield Earth. "Hopefully, we can lure pirates aboard with the promise of meeting Tom Cruise, then convince them to undertake auditing that will expose personality flaws and traumas." Divot added, "This auditing can be very expensive, so we may allow the pirates to keep raiding until they finally pay for enough courses to be clear of all engrams. Then they can paint the smokestack while they work through their OT levels. Between us, they'll never see Tom Cruise except on YouTube, but keep mum on that."

When Protest Was Cool

Evan Coyne Maloney archives the days of dissent when words were calm, rational and designed to facilitate dialogue, leaving the MSM nothing to report on.

brain terminal via Ace of Spades

Circus News Channel Outdraws CNN

LAS VEGAS, NV - Prime-time CNN hosts continue to shed viewers as they lost audience to the Circus News Channel for the first time in network history. Even with healthcare expansion and Haiti coverage, CNN was solidly outdrawn, despite CNC's narrow focus on events of interest to the circus community. Larry King took the biggest hit, plummeting 52 percent in March from 2009, losing in the ratings 26 times to Big Top Headlines at 9 with Walleye the Clown. Even powerhouse CNN anchor Anderson Cooper sustained a beating, losing 46 percent of the key 25 -to-54-year-old demographic to Around the Ring, a panel show of ringmasters, lion tamers and acrobats discussing recent changes in circus law. Said one CNN executive, "There's nothing wrong with our model. We're not changing a thing." However CNN sources confirm that Campbell Brown's 8 p.m. slot has been given to CNC's Hot-Mouth Mike, current host of All Things Sideshow and a noted fire eater capable of projecting flame over 18 feet. Mike's agent wouldn't confirm the move, but did report that CNC's Harney the Geek had been rejected as a host by CNN as being "too similar to Rick Sanchez."

Scientists Toss Mice Into Hadron Collider

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - An experiment at the Hadron Collider involving proton beams smashing together at the speed of light was disrupted when scientists tossed mice into the beams to 'see what happened.' "I'm afraid it wasn't very professional," remarked Ernesto Bailar spokesperson for the Large Hadron Collider or LHC. "They'd [scientists] been working very hard on this experiment and got a little silly. It's a shame. The data might've given us clues into the creation of the universe. Now we'll never know." Bailar stated the mice vanished, but was unsure whether they disintegrated or got transported to another dimension. "They're gone for good, that we know for certain."

Angry Atheist Harris Founds O.A.F.

LONG BEACH, CA - Fed up with religion distracting people from important world problems, neuroscientist and author Sam Harris has created the Offended Atheists Foundation. By funding books and films by grumpy atheists, O.A.F. aims to alert the public to religion's diversion of attention from human suffering. "Science can determine morality with the same rigor used to prove global cooling and the danger of Alar on apples," said Harris in a recent interview at the TED Conference. "Meanwhile, religion wastes time with blood drives, food drives, clothing drives, aid to the homeless, and visiting the elderly." O.A.F. has already concluded deals with several offended atheists, including biologist Richard Dawkins and comic Bill Maher. Dawkins will write a book on secular grief counseling entitled, Your Mom is Dead: Let's Get Pizza, while Maher is producing a comedy called Hay You! in which the acerbic funnyman showcases his wit as he tricks and belittles the Amish.

North Korea Borrows Electric Light for Earth Hour

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - Anxious to show Earth Hour solidarity with other nations, an embarrassed North Korea was forced to borrow a table lamp from South Korea in order to have electricity to turn off. "The whole country is darker than the eyes of an ox," said Dak-ho Kim, a South Korean soldier. "They have nothing, except a large nuclear bomb." North Korean officials refused to answer queries, but sources inside the government indicated that participating in Earth Hour was a signal to the U.S. that the North was interested in talks as a precondition to more serious talks that could lead to a nice conference somewhere. Earth Hour is in its fourth year, organized by the World Wildlife Fund as a gesture to increase environmental awareness. (The WWF is also noted for creating pretend climate change data and having it placed into IPCC reports.) At the end of Earth Hour, Kim reported North Korea refused to return the lamp, instead eating it with grass and pond water.

Cameron Threatens To Beat Deniers With Sack of Money

MALIBU, CA - James Cameron has threatened to bludgeon global warming deniers with a sack of cash. "I'll use stacks of tightly-bound hundreds in a tough canvas bag," said the environmental activist director. "I carry that much around as tip money for my gardeners and servants, so it's no big deal." Calling his critics 'boneheads' for accepting evidence that global warming data has been cooked, Cameron believes all Americans need to lower their carbon footprint and accept a much lower standard of living if the earth is to be saved from anthropogenic climate change. At his double mansion in the Malibu hills, neighbor to Mel Gibson and Olivia Newton-John, Cameron boldly challenged deniers. "Come on up here and I'll hold your head underwater in one of my two swimming pools. Or I'll slam my huge front gate on your hand. Or smash you over the head with a painting that costs more than your pathetic Toyota RAV. I'll do whatever it takes to fight for the earth and bring about sustainable living standards in others."

Netanyahu Locked in White House Room with Rev. Wright

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Angry with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, President Obama engaged in a series of petty snubs during a White House meeting, including locking the Israeli leader in a room with Reverend Jeremiah Wright. "Not pretty," said one source under condition of anonymity. Unaware of who Netanyahu was, Rev. Wright regaled him with stories about 'Jew tricks,' and 'Jewey plots' to keep Rev. Wright from speaking with the president. Said the source, "Netanyahu's aides finally rescued him, but not before Rev. Wright called the new healthcare bill 'jew-riffic.'"White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the incident was blown out of proportion. "Our relation with Israel is stronger than ever." Gibbs then mentioned the President's recent appointment of new Israeli ambassador, Louis Farrakhan.

Zucchinicide

HONG KONG, PRC - A man attempted to end his life "the old-fashioned way" by jamming a zucchini up his butt.
h/t: American Digest

What Price, Penn?

HOLLYWOOD, CA - Daily Discord reports actor Sean Penn lacks Price control.

New Moth Found in Vice-President's Head

BALTIMORE, MD - John Hopkins University entomologist Greg Eddy announced that a Banded Tussock Moth had been discovered inside Joe Biden's head. According to Eddy, he received a copy of the vice-president's weekly brain MRI and spotted the insect nesting in pile of decayed vegetation. "Haven't seen that one before," said Eddy. "But the yellowish-orange coloration made it stand out among the other moths." Normally ranging from Canada to Texas, the moth may have entered Biden's head during a speaking tour. According to Eddy, "The adult Tussock Moth is attracted to decaying leaves that have alkaloids. Moths regurgitate on the plants, then drink the fluids to acquire defensive chemicals." File footage shows Joe Biden engaged in similar behavior at outdoor press conferences.

Furious President Learns He is Exempt From Obamacare

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Having just signed into law a massive new healthcare bill, President Obama was stunned to learn he is exempt from its provisions. "You've gotta be kidding me," cried the President in shock and outrage. "Let me be perfectly clear, this is a terrible outrage." Thousands of congressional staffers are also exempt, despite having worked on and written the bill. "It's so unfair," stated Kari Beedle, a house staffer. "I wish I knew how this happened. We sweated to pass wondrous, caring legislation and now we're stuck with some lousy old health care that gives us choices." The President was firm. "Congress must act to close the loophole denying myself and thousands of others in government this symbol of change. But they must not be hasty. I say to congress, 'Take your time, do it right.' I'll wait. Let me know in a couple of years. My family and I will get by somehow."

Public Housing Chosen as Healthcare Template

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Basking in victory, triumphant Democrats have vowed that the new American healthcare system will rival the glory of urban renewal public housing. "Think of medicine; now think of Chicago's Robert Taylor Homes," said Darrin Foaf, spokesperson for the Health and Human Services Department. "The same planning and foresight that went into creating thoughtful, esthetically-pleasing, safe public dwellings will now be trained on health care." Foaf believes Americans will be pleased with their new government-run program. "Remember the quiet peace and contentment that surrounded public housing? That was no accident. Caring, forward-thinking government workers built it into the system." Foaf dismissed any concerns over bureacratic ineptitude. "People just need to relax. Whatever happened to the Robert Taylor Homes will happen to American medicine. Health and Human Services guarantees it."

Face of Moon New Model for U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With the passage of healthcare and its many new entitlements, experts believe the U.S. economy will most closely resemble the lunar surface within five years. Said University of Chicago economist Lisa Chin, "Already weak, the economy faces numerous new fees, taxes and mandates which will leach out vitality and render markets similar to our celestial neighbor: rocky, airless, cratered, with half in total darkness." However, the comparison is not 100 percent. Chin posits that since non-resident aliens are exempt from healthcare taxes, many will arrive in the U.S. for a service American citizens will subsidize. "Think of a dry, dusty place but very crowded, with beings from far away galaxies showing up for 'free' healthcare administered by over 500 new bureaucracies, 50,000 new bureaucrats with 16,000 of those working for the IRS. In such a place, economic hustle will be like frozen water at the bottom of a deep crater - something desirable, but impossibly expensive. However, new growth industries may emerge. Examples might include selling 'Procedure Denied' rubber stamps, and teaching Spanish. Psychologically, Chin felt it important that Americans not remember their old economy. "Pretend it was always just like the moon. That may be best." (Photo: Wickipedia)

Stupak Reclassified as Invertebrate

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Biologists have downgraded former anti-abortion congressman Bart Stupak from the Chordate subphylum Vertebrata, or creatures with backbones, to invertebrate status. Stupak once opposed the health care bill because it funded abortions, but switched to 'yes' in exchange for an executive order exploring the abortion issue and written on good bond paper. Said Dr. Sonia Riley of Scripps Institute: "By trading his vote for a legally meaningless eo [executive order], Mr. Stupak chose to jettison his spine. Scientifically, we must now classify him somewhere between comb jellies and the sea sponge." House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has promised Stupak a salt-water tank for the remainder of the congressional session where the Michigan democrat may float like a starfish, feasting on algae. "His life span is much shorter now," added Riley. "As an organless ball of jelly, he'll need flowing water in order to operate his excretory system." A spokesperson for Speaker Pelosi stated there were no plans to add anything more to Stupak's tank. "He should've taken an aquarium pump over an executive order. At least a pump does something."

Student on Field Trip Discovers Alien Death Ray

HIBBING, MN - While accompanying his class on a nature walk, 11-year-old Alan Heckling discovered an alien death ray that implodes matter, leaving the debris highly radioactive. "I saw the butt sticking out of the snow. It works just like an air pistol,"said Heckling, pointing the weapon at a parked beer truck. Seconds later, the truck vanished in a silent, lavender flash. "My teacher, Mrs. Comstock, tried to take the ray gun away. She's gone now. So is Charles Fina, who pantsed me last year at a school assembly. And Genna Potter, who called me 'Snotflake' in the cafeteria and got the whole class saying it. Genna is now 10-7 Earth." Heckling was unsure about the weapon's power source or how many 'shots' it might have left. "I guess the right thing would be to give it to my parents or the army. But then I'll never see it again." Sirens sounded in the distance and a helicopter swooped low overhead. Heckling was thoughtful. "Right now, I never have to go to school again. Or eat kidney beans. Or wash my sister's stump. 'Cause I got a ray gun. Sweet."

Pelosi Offers Pork to St. Joseph

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After using St. Joseph's name in an attempt to sway Catholics toward the healthcare bill, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered the saint a high-paying position in the Department of Labor. A Pelosi spokesperson, Laura Shapen, denied this was a bribe. "Hiring St. Joseph has been on the table for some time." Pelosi stated the saint would probably support the bill which, among other things, requires Catholics to pay for abortions. Ms Shapen saw no contradiction in the Speaker's remarks. "Speaker Pelosi is a devout Catholic and something of an authority on church teaching. And when she says that St. Joseph is the patron saint of workers who like to see babies dead, and is often pictured standing atop a mound of aborted children because that's what working families want, we should take her word."

Conference Okays Polar Bear Chimichangas

DOHA, QATAR - Food lovers rejoiced as a UN conference on endangered wildlife upheld the trade in polar bear chimichangas. "This is a victory for anyone who loves deep-fried, flour tortillas stuffed with polar bear meat," said Canadian chef Jacques Bidet. Americans at the 175-nation conference argued that polar bear populations are threatened by potential global warming as well Eskimo hunting, and murder by other disgruntled polar bears. Often accompanied by salsa, guacamole, sour cream and cheese, polar bear chimichangas have been exempt from most international conferences under the 1976 Odd Foods Treaty. However, members of the US Fish and Wildlife Commission had hoped to end the trade as well as prohibit all harvesting and sale of polar bear organs, particularly the rib cage which is prized by the Chinese who use it as a xylophone. "We're disappointed by the vote," said Fish and Wildlife under secretary Haymon Loquat. "But we'll keep trying to save them [bears], even if their population is growing. We love polar bears almost as much as international conferences. Maybe less. Yes, less. I have a big hotel room."

Nixon's Ghost Delighted by Obama

YORBA LINDA, CA - Pacing outside his library, the ghost of former president Richard M. Nixon expressed delight with the Obama administration. "Those #@$%^&* will end up making me look like Kennedy." In particular, the former president, dead since 1994, mentioned catastrophic problems ahead from trillions in mounting debt and the health care bill. "Moody's says the U.S. could lose its Triple A Rating. And this @#$% ^&* health care bill has pissed off more people than Vietnam times three. I'll give you odds that within the year both political parties will hire a @#$%^&* necromancer to raise my corpse and have me take over the country. People will say, 'Thank God for Dick Nixon. Even dead, he's better than some annoying, red @#$of a *&^%$ from Chicago.' The public will be so grateful they'll put my name back on a couple of freeways and a bridge. I got screwed out of those by Watergate." As the former president returned to the grave, he pointed to his presidential library, "Keep an eye on the front desk. Make sure the @#$%^&* staff doesn't let their friends in for free."

Hollywood Encourages Universal to Make More Bad Films

HOLLYWOOD, CA - An ad hoc committee of studio executives, producers, directors, and agents has approached Universal Studios and thanked them for turning out so many rotten films over the last few years. "Green Zone was beautiful," said committee spokesperson, Benjamin Ritchie. "A 100 million to make and you need a diving bell to find last week's box office. Truth is, they're taking a lot of pressure off other people in this town whose own bombs never seem so bad when compared to Universal. We just want to encourage them to keep cranking out the horse pies." Universal executives refused comment on the committee, instead issuing a press release trumpeting their upcoming film, Land of the Lost II: Jurassic Snark."

New Documentary Shows Fish Eating Each Other

HONOLULU, HI - A new Discovery Channel program probes beneath the waves, revealing the non-intricacies of undersea life. "Yum Yum Ocean basically shows how fish eat each other 24/7," said Discovery executive Sandra Timms. Narrated by Morgan Freeman and using beautiful underwater cinematography, 'Ocean' is a ten-hour series built around fish and aquatic mammals eating each other, having sex, then eating the new-born. The young that escape eventually grow up to eat other fish or be eaten themselves. "Few things in nature die of old age," said Timms. "Maybe that's what we're trying to say in ten hours."

Apple Debuts iMower

CUPERTINO, CA - Apple has developed a new iPad built into a Snapper 54-inch Yardmaster riding mower. Executives unveiled the computer/mower on the 18th fairway of the Deep Cliff Golf Course, uploading ebook pages from a swivel screen on the right arm rest while trimming back the rough. "The iMower is a response to critics who said the iPad couldn't multitask," said Apple spokesperson Julian Billet. "Now you can surf the web and cut the grass of any golf course or cemetery. I'd call that doing two things at once." Weighing over a thousand pounds, the iMower comes equipped with a 1024 x 768 screen, iPhone OS 3.2, electric blade engagement, and a 6-galleon fuel tank. Said Billet, "I'm thinking the next generation iMower will have a removable iPad, so you can take it inside upon completion of your lawn care needs. But one thing at a time."

Rare Irish Dish Combines Corned Beef and Resentment

LOS ANGELES, CA - With St. Patrick's Day around the corner, families may wish to celebrate with these authentic dishes from the Emerald Isle via the Kwabler family. These rare recipes aren't found in any cookbook, but have been passed down over generations by my Irish relatives. So give one a try and savor the Celtic experience.

1. Corned beef and Resentment - Traditional corned beef prepared with a simmering side dish of antagonism over a past wrong, real or imagined, heated to a furious boil in the mind's crock pot.

2. Jameson and Air - Irish whiskey poured into a jelly tumbler and gulped at the dinner table while the rest of the family nervously eats something boiled.

3. Soda Bread and Shunning - Cooked for 70 minutes in a 9x5 loaf pan, the bread is served warm only to yourself since no one else at the table exists anymore.

4. Potatoes and Potatoes - Fine white, boiled potatoes, mashed up and presented on a bed of starchy tubers. For authentic flavoring, eat with a salted wooden spoon.

5. Cabbage and Violence - A boiled head of cabbage thrown across the table and followed up by a punch. Traditionally served during after-dinner card games and political discussions.

FarmVille Acquires Agricultural Subsidies

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Popular Facebook simulation game FarmVille has added federal farm subsidies, driving smaller plots into bankruptcy and favoring large agribusinesses. "We've tried to model our sim after USDA programs," said Albie Peck of Zynga, creators of FarmVille. "With that in mind, handouts are available to growers of wheat, cotton, corn, rice and Teddy Bears. Largess is also dished out to farmers who join Facebook's Conservation Reserve Program. By allowing your plots to go fallow, you receive a subsidy in farm dollars while driving up the price of your neighbors crops." Bigger is better in the new FarmVille, adds Peck. Players may pursue the traditional path of acquiring more neighbors, experience points, and gifts in order to purchase additional land or else donate real money to the FarmVille Growers Association. FGA members are automatically elevated to agribusiness level, enrolled in a political action committee, and given farm dollar subsides which lower prices, encouraging bucolic avatars to plant even more crops, driving down the price and increasing subsidies. In addition, Peck encouraged gamers to divide their plots into shell farms incorporated under the names of their children and apply for individual subsidies. "Like the USDA, we don't really check," says Peck. "And if we did, we wouldn't find anything wrong." Peck states Zynga is considering subsidizing herds of elephants. "There's been push back within the company. Some people are afraid we'll turn subsidies into a joke."

'Law and Order: SUV' Highlights Auto Showroom Crime

HOLLYWOOD, CA - NBC is promoting a new series that will expand the successful Law and Order franchise into the world of auto dealerships with the hard-hitting, Law and Order: SUV. Ripped from today's headlines, the series follows an NYPD detective unit charged with investigating crimes in and around auto showrooms as well as the prosecution of such crimes. Driving specially-equipped GMC Yukons, the unit does double duty, investigating minor crimes at Chrysler lots such as change-pilfering mechanics and customers who pocket coffee creamer, then tackling felonies at Ford lots. According to an insider, the show is being funded with stimulus dollars and will be sponsored by GMC. "All the ugly stuff like rape, child-molestation, and incest take place at Ford dealerships. Also, everyone driving a Ford vehicle is overweight, bald, and smokes. Everyone driving a GMC is young, fit, well-dressed, concerned about the environment and favors common sense gun-control. Other than that, it's just a regular crime show."

Suicide Barrier Uses High-Voltage Grid, Lasers

SEATTLE, WA - In a bid to halt suicide jumpers leaping off the Aurora Bridge, Seattle has constructed a high-voltage suicide barrier protected by lasers and patrolled by thugs. "State-of-the-art," said Beal King, a city attorney. An eight-foot chain link fence along the Aurora pedestrian walkway is connected to the city's electrical grid. "Anyone tries climbing that barrier to jump will be cooked like a French Fry. And if some joker puts on thick rubber gloves and boots to beat the fence, they'll be cut in half by laser beams." According to King, the recession has allowed the city to assemble a cadre of unemployed, armed with ax handles. "A pedestrian on that walk-way who even looks like he's going to jump will get the beating of his life. I already checked the law. We're cool." Seattle's aggressive attempt to end suicide jumpers will be closely watched by San Francisco, home to the Golden Gate Bridge, the nation's most popular suicide spot. "'Frisco should take a page out of our book," said King. "People want to check out of life, fine. But they can't use the Aurora Bridge. And if they try, bad things will happen. So, that's bad compounded. Who wants that noise?"

Slab of Pork Chosen to Fill Murtha's Seat

HARRISBURG, PA - Pennsylvania Democrats have chosen a large slab of greasy pork to fill the congressional seat of the late John Murtha. "We could've gone with a human being," said Democratic political operative Vincent Weaseling, "but we wanted to remind voters what they could lose if they vote for someone else." Murtha's district features an extraordinary number of facilities built with federal funds including an airport, office buildings, a seven-story aquarium and casino, and a mortuary for pigeons. Weaseling was optimistic about the May election, "People like free things that other people pay for. John [Murtha] sure did. In return, he'd vote any way you told him to. Too bad this isn't Chicago. He'd still be voting."

Buddha Found Dead in Road

SANTA MONICA, CA - Police are investigating the murder of Gautama Buddha, also known as the "enlightened one," who was found beaten and strangled outside a meditation center on Ocean Park Boulevard. "We're thinking this was a crime of opportunity," said Detective Phil Gomez. "Maybe even a hate crime. Someone met the Buddha on Ocean Park, maybe didn't like his long ear lobes, or thought his beads were faggy or disliked pudgy people, whatever." Fourteen members of Divine Awakening Temple and Pilates are being detained for questioning. "They all claim to have been meditating at the time of the crime. We'll see," said Gomez. In addition, Gomez reported finding evidence that the victim may have brought the violence onto himself. "I came across a saying of his, 'If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.' Not to speak ill of the dead, but you shouldn't talk smack unless you can back it up. He couldn't. Now he's a dead, fat guy in a robe. Maybe he was born to suffer? Maybe we all are. Maybe he was born to run? I hope not. With all that weight he would've run flat into a heart attack. Then it wouldn't be murder and I could go home. But that's life for you." (Photo: raisengrrl)